Married to an Addict

Last Post..For Now

2009-06-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

I was reading a fellow blogger's account...The Junky's Wife...and saw that she decided to be done writing for now because of "other stories". I tend to agree. Not because I am copying her but because I have been leaving this blog open for months on end and not writing anything. Perhaps it would be better to close this blog out.

While I will always face constant reminders of what Chris did at the beginning of our marriage and before, I am moving on and feel the need to let this blog go. It was invaluable to me, along with all of your comments. It would be wrong for me to leave it open, only for me to come to it once in awhile.

I feel that our marriage has improved so much and I am continually working on things that are still wrong, and ways to improve it. Thank you all so much for your support through these last few years.

My email address on the left will remain in tact and I will check it more often than I have been lately. I will continue to blog as well, but about different parts of my life. If you click into my profile, you will be able to see where I am now.

Again, thank you. And I can only hope that this touched at least one person going through something similiar to what I went through.

Impotence

2009-06-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately of our first year of marriage.

I don't even recognize who I was back then. How did I get through that? I had no one...or at least, I let no one in. I don't know the person who made it through the nights where he didn't come home until the early morning hours. I don't know how I cooked him a meal every night, only to have it sit in the fridge until 3am - most nights, not even getting eaten. I don't even recognize myself from back then.

However, I see one remnant...almost daily...to remind me of that part of our lives. It's a painful one, and it rests solely on me. I'm sad to say it but our intimate life...the side that husbands and wives should cherish, the side where you express your love...it has all but left. For me.

When we were younger, when we were teenagers, all I wanted to do was to touch him. I wanted to feel his tongue in my mouth, and hold him in my hand. I could barely keep myself off of him. In fact, some days, we were like exhibitionists.

But something happened. I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know where. But I stopped feeling that way. I can't entirely blame it on him, because if you have been following this, you know I cheated on him during our engagement. I am not sure if it's because of this that left me not wanting him. Or if it's because of the crack.

It's not like I still want that other person. There is no one else. But I am closed off to him, and I am clueless as to how to re-open.

He craves me. He physically craves me. He reaches for me, he touches me, and instead of re-coiling, I'm just numb to his touch. It means nothing. When he is inside me, I am doing it solely for him. I don't care to do it at all. It is nothing I look forward to.

This really scares me. We have been through a lot and if he were to cheat on me, honestly, I couldn't blame him. I do nothing. I do it out of guilt, and enjoy none of it.

It makes me sound horrible. It makes me sound like a freak.

I was on meds for awhile while we were married. Perhaps that f-cked up my sex drive. I don't know. All I know is that I want it back.

I want to embrace him and to feel wanting for him. To feel physical desire towards him and with him and to feel that sexual passion ignite again and to never want to be away. I have tried everything. I have tried romantic things, forceful things, dominating things - nothing puts me in that place.

And it's hard to think it's just him because I feel this way towards everything. I simply have no desire to do anything sexual.

Is this salvageable? I don't know. I just know I really want it back.

Good Evening

2009-03-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Fellow Bloggers. I cannot believe it has been SO long since I have last checked in.
I have made it. I am a teacher. And I love it! It was so scary and the days are long, and some are so tough!, but it is worth it. I love all of the boys. They each have something so unique to bring to the table.

Things with Chris are going great. He has been sober now for two years. Can you believe it?? I can't. Things have changed so completely. I look back on that time of my life with amazement. I wonder often...how did I get through it? How did I ever fall asleep at night? It seems like I was such a different person - which really, I was. I remember all the little things that I did or didn't do that were so different and how I got through it. It is so ... such a lifetime ago.

I just wanted to give a quick update. I have been incredibly busy and have really forgot all about this...this time in my life that feels like a million years ago. But I will check in more frequently. I hope I can be of help to anyone who needs it. If I made it through that, and it could spring up anytime, I know anyone else can.

SVU Mates

2008-08-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

There is a man who lives across from me. I don't know who he is, what he does, or if anyone lives with him. All I know is that he only leaves his apartment once or twice a day and he is always wearing jeans. He is never dressed up...I don't know if he has a job. And he never walks to his garage for his car. He walks the opposite way.

What I know, from a random occurrence when I glanced across the divide between our homes, was that his TV was turned onto the show that I can't seem to get enough of - Law & Order: SVU. Now, whenever I am watching it, I can't seem to stop glancing over once or twice to see if he is watching too. And he usually is! However, it is not the same episode I am watching, which leads me to believe he records it...as do I. And though I have never met this strange man, I feel like we are two kindred spirits.

I mean, he may not work; he may be loaded. He may be a psycho. He may just sit in his house all day. But you know what? At least he watches SVU.

Yes

2008-08-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

Nearly three months since my last post.

I switched careers. To teaching. I was in social work, for those of you that need a refresher. I have been enjoying the transition...until today. I applied and was accepted into an accelerated teaching program and loved it, and loved the kids I worked with during summer school, but in a few SO SHORT weeks, I will be in charge of my own classroom of 9 students in special education. I will lead them through this school year and help them grow and learn.

I met the principal today. And the principal's assistant. I received mixed messages. Looks of disdain, disbelief, annoyance. I know I look young. I am young. But that does not make me incompetent. Once these people told me what I would be experiencing, like I didn't know, I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

How can this be? I have been feeling called to this - I have seen signs directing me to go in this direction. And when someone simply challenges my thoughts or makes me feel inadequate I want to give up? That is my own downfall and I cannot let it continue.

They warned me of it all. They warned me of what these 9 boys will do. I felt small and insignificant, someone who surely can't make a change in this world - in THEIR world. I will be teaching in the inner city. I am not familiar, at least, not as much, with this way of life, but I know a lot about it and I believe I can make a difference, if merely a small one. Having people doubt me just makes it worse. I want someone to encourage me and to say, even if untrue, that I WILL be able to handle it.

I took a tour of the school and saw my own classroom. Instead of a rush of excitement to decorate my own classroom and to make it my own, I felt discouraged. I don't know if I can do it. How can I demand authority? What if they don't listen, which they won't? When a student runs from the classroom, who goes after him...me or the paraprofessional? I can't leave the other 8 by themselves!

More and more questions present themselves and I am feeling continuously let down. During this small break, it didn't seem real but now that I have seen the classroom, I know it is, and I now have a limited amount of time to prepare. Lessons, classroom management, classroom decor, etc. I only have a week and a half and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know these kids! I don't know their needs, their weaknesses. What do I do the first week of school?

I just feel so surprised and so shaken up, but by what? I knew what I was getting into. It is not a shock. Maybe now that I see how much responsibility I have. Now that I see that I have so much to do in this short time, I am feeling stressed and anxious and rushed and don't know how it will be that first day. Who these kids are.

Anyways. That's been my life.

Sorry.

2008-05-18T14:35:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Please don't want to kill me or make me go through some horrible "married to an addict" life. Yeah, I don't know what that was. My pathetic attempt at some sort of joke. Anyways, it has been more than two months since I have been on here. I know I suck.

Things are going well. Yet everytime I write that here, I feel as if something will come crashing down, or like I am being incredibly naive. It IS possible for things to get well again, isn't it? They aren't always going to be horrible?

There has been maybe two times at most in the past months where his eyes looked suspicious. But he acted normal. I don't know. He is staying strong in his probation and passing all of his drug tests.

I have found new friends at work and have found joy in doing my own thing. Now that the weather is nicer, I can go out and walk when he is not there. I am kept busy by moving things to our new apartment, and studying for an exam for a career change I am embarking on. I am kept busy with my own friends' problems so I no longer focus on my own.

And the best thing is, I have started to forgive. I really have. I may have said that before. But I have been better at letting go and I am even laughing a little now-a-days. It's not easy, but I try.

I will try, TRY!, to update more, but I admit that it will not be easy. This site has now been blocked at work, and I usually forget by the time I get home.

In the meantime, can anyone tell me what happened to Cuntface McBitchfuck??

I'm back

2008-03-02T15:00:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been more than a month since I have posted. I didn't for quite some time because everything seemingly was going okay. But he was still being his stupid immature self. The thing I think about him is that he is really hung up on himself. I don't mean that he is full of himself because of his good looks or any of that crap; I mean that he only thinks of himself. Which we all knew and know was the problem, but he still doesn't understand that he needs to be responsible to other people at some points in his life.

So about a week before Valentine's, he went to the casino. However, he didn't tell me that. And for weeks he had been asking me to go and for weeks I had been saying no. And on this particular night, I was calling and calling and calling and calling and nothing. Finally, he called, saying he lost track of time and was at the casino trying to "win money" FOR US. Ridiculous, I know. A week later, the night before Valentine's, he disappeared again because he was "stuck in traffic." So I kicked him out. The night before Valentine's Day. The next time we talked, the next day, he stated that he finally realized he was "trying to be independent." I said "big deal." He said that it was a big deal for him because he had never really placed his finger on it.

I took him back (surprising right?) and since then, it has been the complete opposite. He has answered every time I called. He has been home at the time he has said he would be. He has been acting like a man - showering every day, shaving when necessary, spending time with me and not always playing video games. He has been a husband. It has been a welcome change.

We will see if he stays like that, but I certainly like what I see. Maybe I should not get too used to it or get my hopes up too high, but I am liking the new Chris. I hope that thing he "realized" really sticks with him.

Don't have to forgive...now

2008-01-24T10:21:00.000-08:00

Amazing that I would write I am going to break, because something else has happened this week. I am not fully ready to discuss it, and I am still pressing on with him, but we will see for how long.

The meeting on Tuesday went nothing as I expected. She told me to start attending Al-Anon, which I have known forever, and commiserated with me. But I did not feel as if anything was sorted out. She told me about some of her experiences with her first husband, and recommended some books. I don't know what I expected, but I know I didn't expect to just vent and complain, and then have no resolution. She didn't even teach me or tell me or anything about how to slowly resolve my never-ending anger towards him. She did tell me it is just the beginning and that I am further ahead than most, but that I don't have to forgive him right away or be done in my anger. Which whether or not she said that, it didn't matter, because I know I can't do either.

I am going read the book(s) she recommended, and look into Al-Anon, but in the meantime, I am going to start looking for fun things to do, whether it is taking classes or attending lectures or plays, or anything to get me out of the house. He needs to see that I am not just sitting around waiting for him. I have my own life.

This week has not been easy. Tough situations have came up. Thanks to everyone for your comments and support.

Peeing Crack

2008-01-17T17:19:00.000-08:00

I did it. It took a lot of deep breaths, it took a lot of trying and failing, but I finally called to talk to someone. It is for this Tuesday. We'll see what happens.

My parents believe that the drug test he took that day was wrong. He also took one yesterday for his PO. And passed. So thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks for the support. I know they are trying to be supportive and trying to look out for me. But they think he drank something to detox his system before taking a drug test. That’s a lot, even for him. He wouldn’t know I would give it to him.

Even if he would, I need to get away. I can’t have my parents breathing down my throat on this. I can’t constantly live like this. He was fine. I swear he was fine before we got there. I swear he was fine when we went out with his parents. How could it only have affected him for that short time?

I can’t play the ifs, ands, and buts games. He was clean, wasn’t he? Even so, the fact that they don’t believe, and would go so far to look up in the internet to see if he drank something and how fast it would work, is really bothersome. They have always had problems with trusting. If one of us kids messed up, it would take forever to trust us again. Literally forever.

I want them to let me live my own life. To not treat me like a fricken idiot. I know the signs. I know when he looks high. I know when he looks fucked up. I don’t need a constant reminder; I don’t need a constant question and answer session.

Now it is going to be awkward, and worst part is, I feel like a fucking idiot because I have started to believe him. He loves NA, he loves it so much. He loves having been in recovery for almost a year. He prides himself on it. And I really don’t think he would want to start all over. That’s why I find it so hard to believe that he would do fucking crack again.

Maybe I am just one of those fucking idiots I hate. Those ones who actually believe that shit because they just don’t want to know the truth. The “ignorance is bliss” people. I used to be like that.

It’s easier. It’s cleaner. But it’s a lie.

What is the truth? Should I believe him? Should I believe the drug test? I am already angry with my parents for being so untrusting. For taking time out of their precious lives to look up my fucking husband’s ways out of peeing crack.

Am I wrong to be that mad at them?

I can’t seem to get out everything I want to say. I’m easily distracted right now. The point is two drug tests came out clean. The point is that he denied it. The point is is that I can’t handle anything else! I am going to fucking break.

Eating Me Alive

2008-01-13T14:45:00.001-08:00

He went to his friend's house yesterday to play poker with his friend and his friend's dad and uncle. He was late coming home to go to my parent's for a play-off game. He looked normal. He acted normal. We got to my parent's house. He looked like a crack head. He acted like a crack head. He rubbed his eyes a lot, he barely ate, and he was literally falling asleep, like those great old days.

Of course, my dad noticed. He cornered me in the kitchen, asking me what was going on asking me where he was earlier. I lied, of course, and said he had been at home playing video games all day. I didn’t want him to know the truth, but I thought I knew the truth. Telling my dad that he had been gone, not under my supervision, would surely show my dad that he was doing drugs.

It went downhill and I bought a drug test after and he took it, and passed. It was a weird night, because he acted like a crack head there, but then we went out to dinner with his parents and he looked and acted normal.

I dreaded today because I knew my parents would take about it to me. And they did. My mom said I didn’t deserve this and I needed to talk to someone about forgiving (I had told her I couldn’t forgive him.)

I need help. This bitterness and hatred is eating me alive. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to finally tell the truth. And that truth is that I don’t think I can do it anymore. I tell myself I am doing good, I tell myself that I am taking baby steps and that each day is getting better. Some days are getting better.

But deep inside, I think I hate him. Sometimes I will look at him with such disgust. Some days I don’t even want to go home. Some days I love him, and want to hold him, and want to feel surrounded by his arms. Some days I laugh with him, and am thankful for him.

But those days are few and far between. I feel like I am drowning in my own anger. I can’t seem to get over it. Every thing he does wrong reminds me of then. Every time he is late, reminds me of then. Every time he doesn’t answer his phone I get angry all over again.

I honestly don’t want to be like this. It may be hard to believe, but I really don’t. I want to move on. I want to be strong within myself, not within my madness.

I want to embrace him, I want to look at him in love. I want to see the man I fell in love with, not the drug addict who fucked up my life.

I doubt him, I doubt everything about him. I doubt his truths, I doubt his lies. I doubt him.

I am not who I want to be. I want to be amazing. I want to be forgiving. I want to enjoy life. I don’t want this to be eating me alive. I want to love going home, not wishing that Sunday was actually a Monday.
I hate life. I hate this. I didn’t sign up for this. I thought I could do it. But maybe I can’t. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hating him, and hating myself.

I want to be close. But I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t touch him. I can’t make love to him. I can’t smile at him. I can’t even laugh at his stupid jokes.

He has become a chore. He has become a goal to conquer. A goal for me to become a better person.

Worst of all, I keep it all inside. I don’t talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have any friends I would be comfortable telling this to. I want to scream that I am not happy. I am not this person.

I need help.

The past is in the past

2007-12-30T15:56:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here tonight, thinking of those from my past. It gets like this sometimes; when Chris goes to a meeting, or out to do laundry, my mind wonders to those I left behind in order to fulfill my fantasy with Chris. I often wonder what it would be like if I had stayed on those paths.

In this world of technology, I can find out virtually anything about anyone and sometimes, my temptation gets the best of me and I check on them via their myspace or some other site. I have never been able to be friends with my exes, even if I wanted to, so sometimes this is nice, to see how their life is.

Other times, like tonight, it just depresses me. I start to wonder about my own life - if I will have as good of a friend as I had before, or if this person I am with now can ever make me so truly happy that I have no need to even glance at these people's pages.

It's wrong of me to put that on Chris, and I know it. But sometimes, the feelings of sadness and feelings of "what if" hit hard, and I fall into them and succumb to them.

I love him deeply, and I know that I would've went back to him no matter what. Whether someone made me so incredibly happy that I had never felt that way before, I believe I would have went back to Chris anyways because he holds something for me. There is something about him that I cannot resist. Maybe that is my weakness, maybe that is my strength.

I do not regret the life I have chosen, or the person I ended up with. It has taken a long time for me to say that. It is going to take longer still to change my thought process of thinking myself as higher than him because I do not suffer from this addiction. It is going to be a long road to the complete forgiveness that I wish to give him because he does not deserve to constantly be reminded of or punished for his past mistakes.

Each day is a challenge for both of us. But my desire to get through it will overcome the challenges.

Simply Late

2007-12-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been almost two weeks. I have been busy with work and family activities, husband and friend stuff.

Things are decent. I feel like anything I report is going to be too boring and lame to mention. I do have things that are going on to me, things that I feel are changing me, but that will be posted at a later date when I can finish writing it.

I am starting to distance myself from this blog, and it bothers me somewhat. I feel sometimes that things are getting better, and I don't need to blog or write anymore about my husband's addiction, but then something grand will happen and I will be sent right back into that wave of fury.

I was talking with Rae on Sunday, and something hit me. Every time he is late, every time he doesn't answer the phone, every time he calls back an hour later, will I constantly question him? Will I constantly wonder where he is, what he's doing, who he's with? Will doubts always fill my mind, for the rest of my life?

I don't want that! I don't want to always resort to the worst possible thing in my mind just because of things that happened in the past. I know I will for awhile, but I don't want to for the rest of time.

Why can't I just think that he's late? Or his phone is on vibrate? Why do I always have to jump to the worst thing? I hate that dreadful feeling I get, the one that wells up in the pit of your stomach. I hate it.

I don't always want to feel like that. I don't always want to think he went back to crack. Will I ever be able to believe him or trust him again? Or will I always turn into a monster when he is late. I don't want to always think he was arrested or is high or is doing something terrible.

Why can't I just think he is simply late. I don't want to feel nervous all the time. I want it to stop.

Sacrifice

2007-12-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

Last night we were arguing. Nothing new, nothing surprising. Rae called and asked if we would go on a double date with a guy that she previously dated. I'm all for it, because lately it is the only way I can see Rae at all. But Chris - not so much. He is not a fan of the double dates.

The fight escalated into so many thing that it shouldn't have been. All I really wanted was for him to say okay. He doesn't have to enjoy it. But I just wanted him to sacrifice for me. Sacrifice a few hours of his life, and make me happy. We are going to dinner. There is food involved. It was turning into a huge deal and it was really hurting me. We have had this discussion so many times.

I know he doesn't enjoy the same things I do. I know he doesn't particularly want to go. But I don't really want him to be gone at NA's all the time.

The thing is, I don't think he really realizes how much I have sacrificed and lost for him. I know he does things around the house and he tries to be a good husband now, but that's it. It's now. It's not then. I know I probably need to forgive but that is way too easy to say. I just want him to realize what he put me through. I just want him to realize that for the first 7 months of our marriage, he was married to crack. He was never around. I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I lived alone. And when he "decided" through his arrest that he would become "clean", I lost him again to 3 nights of NA.

I don't want to sound like a complaining bitch who is not happy that he doing what he should be doing. I am glad that he is doing this - to get support, to have friends, to be involved with something greater than himself and greater than drugs. But at the same time, when he tells me I never do what HE wants, I believe in essence I am doing what HE wants every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, when I sit at home and veg in front of the tv. It is not my choice to be alone so often. I would love to go do something. I would love to do something every week, just the two of us.

There is a church thing. Every Wednesday. I would like to do that with my husband. But when I said that last night in the heat of the argument, he said "I'm sorry...but Wednesday's are my home group." Oh, your HOME group! Well, I'm sorry. I'm only your wife. Have never been the priority. but I would like to be.

I want him to get his priorities straight. I want him to WANT to put my first, not only do it because I tell him to.

It's not only about the fricken' double date. It's about compromise; it's about sacrifice. It's about doing things that you may not want to because you love that person. Apparently, I am way too far ahead of him for him to even try to grasp onto that knowledge.

It Never Ends

2007-11-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who wrote to me on my last post. It meant so much.

This week has been better. For those who asked, nothing happened this last Monday. At least, nothing I know of. He was home "on time" and was looking and acting normal. It was quite weird, this Monday. Nothing like the past two.

I have been stressed beyond normal this week. Remember the car things I would write? That my car was going down hill fast? This last week it took a turn for the worst. It can't get up hills, even small hills, at more than 15mph. It really worried me because winter is coming.

My dad let me take his car - they have an extra car - and I have been feeling lucky and spoiled and safe, driving around in this luxury car, full of everything I could ever want. But last week I had to switch back for a day, and though I felt at home and less in need of responsibility in my own car, a huge dose of reality hit me. I would never make it through the winter. I probably wouldn't even make it through the next few weeks.

I started looking hardcore for a car, all the while knowing that the chances of getting one without anyone's help was slim. I can make the car payments. I can do it all. I just have bad credit. And why? And that's another dose of reality that hit me this week.

I was turned down at one after another credit loaning companies, though I would have a car as collateral. I felt so hopeless. Though my parents would help me, my dad couldn't resist the temptation for a lecture. And I just sat there, nodding, though the anger rose inside me quickly. "It's not my fault, Dad!"

"I would have asked for help."

"No, you wouldn't have. You can't say that."

"I would have asked my parents for help."

Silence. Staring. Fine. You would've asked. In your mind you would've. But when you are in the situation, you don't know. When you are newly married, struggling in your mind to wonder if you've made the right decision as it is, you don't want to ask for help because your husband is wasting away your money at only God knows what.

Today, as we stood in the lobby of a bank, waiting for someone to call me in, me and my co-signer, he leaned over and said "I know it's not your fault. You can be happy."

My eyes filled with tears. I had to quickly blink them away - I turned to the window.

I got a new car. But the depth of what Chris has done still shocks me and amazes me every day with it's hidden surprises and fun. Credit card debt, not getting a loan, still struggling to catch up on everything we are behind in. All the credit cards, student loans. And because of our hectic and frantic catch-up game, and the fact that we still have to survive, I haven't concentrated on paying on time. We have been late, we have been on time, we have paid too little, we have paid too much. And now here we are. Struggling for a fricken' car loan.

But I got a car. And I can be happy. My daddy, my protector, the man I have looked up to for my life span - he says I can.

Another Monday night

2007-11-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

He came home on Monday night after his class, looking cracked up. Looking like he did at the beginning of this. Looking fucked up. I confronted him on it immediately. He denied it all. He said he was at his meeting. He said he was not lying anymore and why would he risk it? He didn't want to lose me. I said, I don't care. You're a fucking crackhead. You're an addict. Maybe you relapsed. Just tell the truth.

Still denial.

I sent him to Walgreen's to get a drug test. Yes, I did. He called while he was there, asking which test to buy. The one for only crack? Or the one that covers it all. I wanted the one that covers it all, but it is 30 bucks and we are running too low this month. This week. And I was on the phone with Rae, telling her it all. She said to buy the one that covers it all. But by the time I called him back, he had already bought the crack one. The coke one. The one I had originally said. And he had left. I told him to go back; I told him to return it. I would not feel completely secure in the knowledge of sobriety if he didn't test for everything. He didn't go back.

He took the test. He was clean. It didn't mean what it should have. It didn't mean anything. Rae said it was good because that was the main problem.

It was the same "class" as last week, when he wasn't back until 12:30am. Monday nights. He showed me the signature he had gotten from the teacher that he went, for his PO, but that meant shit, as we all know. What's really going on.

What the fuck is going on. I just want the truth. I can be okay, I can be fine, I can be great BY MYSELF. But I cannot be any of those things without knowing the truth.

I will not live in a marriage of lies. I told him that if that happens, I won't even mess around with the talk. He will leave. He will call his father to come pick his revoked license ass up - fuck that, he can drive himself for all I care.

It is unsettling. But I am fine. I'm better than fine. I will be fine whether or not he is a liar. He does not define me. I do not need him. So bring it on. I'm ready.

No change

2007-10-31T18:01:00.001-07:00

Wow. Eternity, I know. I have been so unmotivated and so busy with work, I just come home and do nothing. Chris and I had a monster of an argument on Monday night. He went to his NA meeting and didn't come home until after midnight. Midnight!! You bloggers are only the second people I am telling about this. Of course, I called my best friend and she walked me through things. What the fuck was he doing?

It was horrible. I was catapulted back to 9 months ago. Exactly nine months on Monday. I was panicky, I was scared, I was terrified, I was fucking pissed the fuck off. No answer, no reply, nothing from him.

I layed in bed and wondered how the hell I dealt with this on an almost daily basis. How did I get in bed and sleep? How did I not stay up freaking out all night till his fucking ass got home? How did I do any of that for months at a time? I was in a different mindset then, I must say. I was in survival mode.

His excuse? Some guy came in who had relapsed and Chris took it upon himself to stay and deal with him. Now, I don't fucking believe his bullshit. I don't believe it. But I know he wasn't doing drugs. I know what he was like before and that wasn't it, that Monday night. And he had been so excited that it was his 9-month anniversary. But I have no clue what he was doing.

Either way, whether or not he was telling the truth, answer your fucking phone. Pick it up and say you're alive. Pick up the fucking phone and say that yes, you are not arrested. Pick it up and text back. That was the worst part.

I know it was only one time. But he has not changed. I could justify his behavior in my head when he was on crack. It was the drugs. It was the drugs. But when he is clean and sober and "learned his lesson," he still goes out and does the same fucking thing. He has not made one single ounce of progress. That is what hurts the worst. The fact that I thought he was different. I thought he had changed. But he really hasn't. When it is broken down, I am still not the first priority. I am still not the number one and only one.

I can't even explain it adequately but I hope you all understand. I hope you understand how disappointing it was to realize that he is the same person, it just takes a different thing to make him behave that way. It didn't matter that it was the crack. It didn't matter that it was a guy who relapsed. As long as he feels that their is something else that warrants more attention or need, he will choose that over his own fucking wife. He will choose that over me.

My mind has froze.

Annoyed Easily

2007-10-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

There are so many different people in the world. And it's so funny to me how few of them I can put up with. Hah. I am even laughing at myself as I wrote that.

In starting this new job, it took quite awhile before I felt comfortable to be myself with anyone. And it took quite awhile before I made "friends." And now I am finally at that place of comfortability and honesty. Mostly. It only took a fricken month.

I sometimes wonder what people think about me. I am so judgemental. And it usually isn't trying to be mean to people, I just get a vibe and go off that until or unless it steers me wrong. But I wonder how people view me. I am so sarcastic and I am sure unless someone knows me it comes across so bitchy. In fact, the girls I eat lunch with say I am the bitchiest one of them all. One girl says she likes it - she says she likes that I tell it like it is. And sometimes I pride myself in that, but other times I just wonder if I am being mean or too negative.

Another girl describes me as that. Negative. I call it being a "realist." Of course, there is great negativity in that, but that is just who I am.

When I first started this job, I was so quiet. I kept to myself and didn't let my sarcasm drip over and didn't let anything come out of my mouth at all. But then I started to open up a little, and I wondered if people were thinking "Who is this? She used to be so shy." I wonder if people have a sense of these things, like knowing that I was only acting shy because I was new but that I would come out of my shell as things got going.

I like to see who I can trust or who I can be my full self with. I don't want to offend with my rudeness. I know some people can stomach people like me and some can't. Some get offended. I went through a phase where I would say "You are Satan!" when someone was being mean or rude. I was totally kidding and would always laugh after, but once someone got offended and confronted me about it.

I wanted to see who could handle my sarcasm. I wanted to know who I could be myself with before I truly let it explode out. And for the most part, I can be myself now. But some people I am still cautious around.

And then there are first impressions that I take from people. There is one girl that completely rubbed me the wrong way. She is loud, always complaining, and controlling. She thinks she is right about everything. Her experience in social welfare is vast and she doesn't fail to let everyone know. I find it quite annoying. I find HER quite annoying. But maybe that is just her before she knows people, like the way I was. I doubt it though.

A girl I eat with tells me I have a low tolerance for people. I find that amusing, given the field I'm in. But perhaps she's right. I can read people well. Yet even when I say that I think of Chris. I could read him. I knew something wasn't right. I knew he was not doing what he said he was. But I just didn't, couldn't, wouldn't figure out what.

So in reading people well, I see how many of them I don't like. I see how many things I get annoyed with. I see how some people are so stupid. I am annoyed and judge easily. Maybe too easily.

So now that everyone reading this hates me, I will go back to work.

Truth

2007-10-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

I guess I’m back. I will be honest – I am completely unmotivated. I have been completely unmotivated to do anything. It is not like I am sitting at home depressed. I just have no motivation. If I plan to do something, then I look forward to it and will do it with everything I have. But lately, I don’t look forward to much and I don’t plan much.

I am aggravated easily.

Something bad happened a couple days ago. Not bad like Chris using again. But bad, like I got the truth when I don’t really know if I wanted it. I do that a lot. I ask question of him: “Where did you do it? Did you do it in my car? Did you smoke with other girls? Did you do it everyday? How many times a day? Did you do it on our wedding day?” Etc., etc., etc. The list can go on.

With my new job, I find myself driving around the city to visits and wondering if he did it here, or there. If he was in this dangerous place or that one. And so my curiosity finally got the best of me. We went on walk the other day and I asked him. I asked him everything I could think of. The questions come up a lot. They don’t ever stop. I could simply be singing away in my car, minding my own business, and BAM. A question. Something I need to know.

So on this particular day, I got a bunch of things answered. I found out where he did it – the specific streets. Streets I travel on. I found out that he lied, again. Ever since the truth came out, and I say that because I will not say “ever since he came clean” because he didn’t. He did not come clean with me. He did not willingly say to me that he was a crackhead. No, he was arrested. He was caught and that is how it came out.

So I will say again, ever since the truth came out, I lived with that. I lived with what I knew. I had my own image of what he did on a daily, nightly, weekly basis. But after all my questions poured out of me like vomit, I found out that not only was he doing crack on those days, he was also going to the casino two or three times a week with our money. OUR money. Apparently it wasn’t enough that he was buying crack to shove into his lungs, he also needed to waste our money at a fucking casino.

After he came out, and he had the one friend I approved of left over, they wanted to go to the casino. I figured that this was a relatively safe, fun, un-drug-using activity. I’m not a moron though. I know it’s addicting behavior and he has an addictive personality. But I didn’t want to restrict him on everything. And this kid was decent.

So off he went to be an addict. Off he went to gamble away our money. So when he told me that he used to go to the casino all the time when he was doing drugs, I cannot even tell you how that made me feel.

The fact that here I was, thinking I was being nice, thinking I was letting him rarely, sometimes go to the casino, when all along he had been going dozens of times, stealing my money, and enjoying himself made me sick. It made me so mad, infuriated. I could not even comprehend the anger I felt. If I had known, if I had had ONE little inkling, I never in a million years would have let him go to the casino when he had been going there all along.

I felt horrified. I felt betrayed. And what I can name now – taken advantage of. My kindness after EVERYTHING he had put me, us, our marriage through, and he had been doing it all along, was undeserved. I would have GLADLY taken away that privilege if I had known that that is another place all of our money went to. Just writing about it now makes me so unbelievably mad. Does it make sense? Does anyone else understand what I am saying?

The simple fact that I thought I was being nice. I thought I was being NICE. And he was just taking more of our money to a place I never knew he went to THREE TIMES a week. I would have banned that place from him. It hurts.

Do I really want to know all these little truths that may mean nothing to him but sting me down to my bone? Do I really want them to keep coming out over the years? Or is ignorance bliss.

Eeks

2007-10-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

All right, I know it has been almost a week since I have written. But for some reason my stupid wireless card has STILL not arrived and at this point, it's pretty pointless. I will be going home to my lovely laptop which is not in a basement in two days. I promise to read and write and catch up and contribute to CF then. I miss it so much!

Things have been going well. Since I can't read everyone's blogs right now, I hope everything is going well with all of you too.I feel like I am missing out on all of my friend's lives!

I don't want this to be a pointless post, but I wanted you all to know that I am still alive and out here and only two more days until I am back into the full-fledged world of blogging. I hope you all don't think that I fell off the face of the earth! I will see you all then!

Addicted

2007-10-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what my problem is. There is something about me. Or something about them. Addicts, that is. I have been realizing it this weekend, incredibly. Everyone close to me in my life, besides my family, is an addict. Literally everyone. There is Rae and there is S, and there is Chris. Those are the three people closest to me right now.

Rae had a horrible childhood. She was in the drug scene as a teenager to the extent of almost unbelievability. And now, she is no longer in that life style, so while she may not be addicted to anything anymore (besides going to the bars every weekend and getting wasted), she was in the drug field.

Then there is S. Drug and alcohol addict. A week in recovery. Who knows how long it will last.

Chris – my husband. Drugs are his poison of choice. Recovering now for almost eight months. His life was much like Rae’s. So involved in the drug scene – I do not understand it.

So what is about me? Or what is it about them? What attracts me to them? Or them to me? I am addicted to addicts. That is my addiction.

Is it my innate need to cure? To comfort? To take care of all helpless things? My love for animals is a passionate part of me; could it be that it is because they, too, need someone to look out for them? Is that why I am the way I am? Is that why Social Work is my profession? Because I need to care for those who can’t care for themselves?

Let me fix you and protect you and show you someone loves you and is there for you. Let me show you that someone will always be there – dependable and reliable and responsible to the point of being flawed. To the point that someone can run over me and leave me crippled.

It’s an interesting viewpoint – one I may have addressed before. But this weekend more than ever did it become clear to me. It was a weekend filled with Rae and S and Chris and all things addicty, conversational and otherwise, and that is what I concluded. That I’m addicted to addicts.

At my parent's

2007-09-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

I tell you, the computer life is not coming easy with me lately! Now my wireless card died. Yes, it really sucks.

I am house-sitting and dog-sitting while my parents are in Italy for almost two weeks! Yay for them! But, I would like to get on my own computer and read Cunty and type my own Cunty and do all sorts of things that my parents wouldn't approve of. But I can't because my wireless card hates me. So now I have to wait in the mail for one to be sent to me. It sucks. The senders better hurry up or I will have to kick some sender's b-u-t-t.

I am in a rare mood today. I am feeling better and optimistic about the job - finally. I have my own cases now and I am still the secondary person on them, but that is fine. I need time to learn. I am also getting to know the people I work with better and I am starting to like them as well.

Last night I went out with my best friend and we had a few drinks. We were supposed to go out for lunch today with S but my friend is not answering her phone. I hope everything is okay. Also, for those of you who were concerned and who remember, she (Rae) ended up breaking up with that guy. The possessive one. He still calls and she still fights with him, but they are no longer together. I feel really bad. She went through a lot for him and is left with nothing.

My ex-friend who was my ex-lover, for all of you who remember that, called yesterday and I did not answer the call. I was proud of myself for that.

I really want to get back to reading everyone's blogs and being at my parent's is the perfect time to do that, if only I had my computer. I hope it will be soon. I miss the cats and birds at home, but Chris has been going over there to spend time with them and I have went for a little each day as well.

All right, that was a jumbled heap of information but I do not have much time and I hate being in this centipedie basement. Until next time!

Trust Issues

2007-09-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

It's funny how before this job, I lived for going onto Blogger and reading everyone's blogs. Now I am so beyond busy ... I barely have time to do anything! When I get home, I just want to eat and walk and watch TV and do nothing with the computer. I love reading your blogs and writing in my home, but I feel so swamped with everything else - I simply have no energy to read anything!

It was so helpful to read everyone's blogs when Chris first came out of the addiction closet. This was exactly what I needed and continues to be so. I just wanted to thank you all so much - the ones of you who are new to me, and the ones who have been with me from the beginning. Thanks for being there then, with the hundreds of posts, and now, with the few I have time for.

Chris is doing so much better, it seems. There's that word again - seems. Like I said in an earlier post, seems. I don't want to claim to know if I don't. I don't want to look oblivious if he is not. Which I obviously would be because I don't see anything like the past right now. So to me, he is good. It is nice to not to worry about where he is, who he is with, when he'll be back, why he isn't answering his phone, etc.

Don't get me wrong. I am still constantly worrying about the money. It sucks. I hate it. Why am I still worried? What is he doing? Is he buying cigarettes, which he claims he does not smoke, with the credit card? What is he buying? I hate that. I want to know when I will start trusting again. I want to start trusting again. I want to not doubt what he is saying. How do I do that? How can I get over it?

Bored

2007-09-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am sick of talking about my job, though that seems to be the only thing that is going on lately. It is still a huge transition that I am slowly processing. It's actually taken a lot longer than normal job changes, and it is a lot harder too. But I am sure you are all so deathly sick of me talking about my job.

So. Chris is doing well. He is still attending NA every week, twice a week as court-ordered, and I am loving my free time when he is gone. This is sounding like a strange update to my life, and I guess it is. When nothing else is going on, I have nothing to give but updates!

My friend got engaged last night, does that matter to anyone? I don't know. I will stop boring you now. It's a good thing nothing is going on because that means no drama in my life. But it's also a bad thing because you are all bored with my life. Hah.

Nothing

2007-09-19T18:34:00.001-07:00

Nothing new to report. It's weird to be back! Nothing much is going on. Training is going okay. Pretty boring. I can't wait to be out of it! I'm sure I will wish I was back in training then. Haha.

There is some stuff going on that I will report about when I know more information or when I feel it is appropriate and safe. Don't worry. I am fine.

Hopefully, I will have more to report tomorrow!

I'm back!

2007-09-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the computer death! I got my new hard drive in the mail over the weekend, and I put it in and my dad's computer guy fixed more problems and now I am back to share all about my last week that has felt like eternity!

I started my new job. It has been all right so far. This training stuff is killing me though! I know it's something we have to do - I definitely need it because I feel so inexperienced. I know I am, but I hate starting new jobs where I feel like a retard. A new girl was starting at the same time as me, and it turns out she's not so new. Truth is, she has been working in SW for years and years - she's just new to the agency. I really hate that. I know nothing. I feel so out of place. I hate change and I hate the feeling I get with change. I feel depressed and like I wish and want to be back at my old job though I did absolutely nothing there recently. Bored out of my mind.

Speaking of y old job, I got a call last night from S. He said he anted to give me a heads up. M, my office manager had a meeting with B. S and I had both quit (long story about S) and she wanted to take this opportunity to talk to him about his behavior. About taking people for granted, and being grateful with the hard jobs people did.

It ended up backfiring in her face. B pulled out a letter - a letter I had written in May, or around there, complaining about M for the way she treated me and Rae. It was at a time where she made me cry and I wrote a letter venting. I had no full intentions of giving it to B. But Rae insisted we do so and she printed it out. I was nervous and unsure, but figured he had a right to know to make any necessary changed. B read it and even criticized when I said one nice thing about M, as if that was too much to ask. The letter was full of evilness and snobbery - a definite letter of venting. And B promised up and down that it was confidential.

Until he changed his mind yesterday apparently and showed or at least told M about the letter and asked why she was sticking up for me and S, especially me, since I wrote this letter. She was caught off guard. It was a huge mess, I'm told, and I didn't appreciate getting a call or crying over this. I don't even work there anymore - I should not have been dragged into it. Also, that was a really fucked up thing to do. I came to him in a confidentiality and I don't care if he felt cornered by M. That was immature and rude.

It made me so mad. I was furious. I wanted to call and yell at him, but S told me not to for now. S, M, Rae and I ended up going out to the bar on Friday night where it came to light how perverted, disgusting, graphic and wrong B was. Which will lead me to my next Cuntface post.

So, that is what I have been dealing with.

But I am glad to be back! I need to go read everyone's and catch up now!

Quickly!

2007-09-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

I am at my parent's again - for a brief period to check things out. :) I am sorry I cannot keep up-to-date on people's blogs...it kills me!!

I am hoping to order a new hard drive tonight or tomorrow though, so I should be back soon. Thanks for all your kindness and support, and I promise when my computer is up and running I will be back to read everyone's and catch up!

My new job...it's going okay for now. I don't know much - I have to attend a lot of training next week and at the end of this week. Also, I don't do well with change and am having a hard time. I do not feel like I am fitting in (normal) and feel a little depressed. But that is how I always am about change...I know that about myself.

I promise to expand when I can write longer. This sucks!! Please don't kick me out of Cuntface; I will write and catch up as soon as I have my own computer! I think my parents just seeing the word CUNTFACE on their computer would freak them out!

I'll be back soon!! Keep me in your thoughts! Please don't forget me!! I will expand soon. Miss all of you cyber people. :)

No computer

2007-09-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

I have a bit more of bad news for you all. My computer, as I was mentioning before, has taken a turn for the worse. My dad told me it was "sick.." He said it was "very unhealthy." That's funny, isn't it? It made me sad actually, to hear that my hard drive was sick. In fact, it is so sick that it no longer works.

It crashed and my dad's friend/co-worker was able to relieve it for a little for us to pull off all my hard written documents, almost 300 to be exact!, and all of my photos. So I have no way to write to you all.

I am at my parent's right now, and I will be able to come over and update you every couple days and check my email and all that. But I am starting my new job tomorrow so I will not be able to spend hours on Blogger like I was able to at my old job. Perhaps eventually, but not yet. :) I wanted to let everyone know.

Eventually, hopefully soon, I will buy a new hard drive and replace my old one and be able to have access 24/7 but right now, I am stuck in this craphole of not having access to the Internet at home.

Anyways, it is really sad for me - I love my computer. But my parent's computer is in the basement, and a centipede just fell from the ceiling and I am not about to stay down here any longer.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Scattered Showers

2007-09-07T07:57:00.001-07:00

It's funny - the way life is. My mom and I went for a walk yesterday. My mom and I have this unique relationship. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her all about things, all about my life, all about my feelings. Sometimes I visit reality, which tells me that that is not the greatest idea.

My dad and I are closer - we have this special bond. I am the most like him. But as I have gotten older, I have grown closer to my mom too. My mom is great to hang out with. To go shopping with and walk with and drive with, and just anything. She gets me. She laughs at my jokes. She laughs when I make fun of people. Even if she completely disagrees or thinks I am being a heinous bitch, she laughs. It's wonderful. My dad won't laugh. He has to be in right mood. Otherwise, he will look at me in annoyance and ask if that is how he raised me.

I love my parents deeply. They are everything to me. So when I walk with them or hang out with them, I savor it.

When I was walking with my mom, she asked how Chris was doing. I said good. He seemed good. I know that sounded to her like I had no clue what I was talking about. "Seems?" But I don't want to claim to know when what if I don't? And I don't want her to think I don't know anything either. It's a slippery slope. She said he seems ... and she couldn't think of the word. He is eating a lot more, she said. He is talking a lot more as well. I said that he got a little pot belly when he started to eat like a normal human and she laughed. She doesn't know that I love that pot belly.

I love his little belly, with his treasure trail. It is the softest part of his body. Or one of them. It is so smooth and so beautiful. I love it.

Sidetracked. And as I was talking with my mom, I thought to myself how interesting that we have already been married 1 year. Already. And then I thought how this year was absolutely nothing like what I thought it would be. It was perhaps the exact opposite. Already, in my first year of marriage, we have dealt with my husband being a crack addict. It is so beyond anything I would have expected. I don't even know what to type now. I am just staring at the screen in awe about what has happened in my life already.

I am not this girl. I am a boring person. My life is simple. I have not experienced what so many have and already I am miles away from what so many experience. I married an addict who lied and used and stole and hurt for months and months and I am still here, with that same addict, telling my story. I am still here, alive and well, and have pulled myself through it. He is here; he is making steps; he is making progress. For the rest of our lives he will be an addict. For the rest of our lives, he will forever be addicted. And every day for years and years he will have to consciously put those things behind him and choose wisely and differently than in the past.

It's a strange feeling - the feeling of being thrust into something you cannot control and did not expect and yet still coming out. And then to look back on it and see what you have accomplished...I am proud of myself. I am proud of JW, and MPJ, and Married to my Ex, and all the others I am forgetting for sticking with what is so hard and not giving up.

I cannot put into words how I feel right now. But this year was a whirlwind, and a tornado, and a hurricane, and finally, the closest thing I have known to calm in this year - scattered showers.

Bad news

2007-09-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

Well I didn't come back to anything good that's for sure. I come home to find out my computer crashed. A huge monstrous crash, and nothing is working to fix it, and like a typical moron, I didn't save anything to a disk. I have thousands upon thousands of things written in that computer that could be gone forever. I have pictures on there and just ugh. So much stuff. I won't speak too soon because my dad is taking it to his computer guy today, but in the meanwhile, I am just thinking of how I am going to have to pay to fix it, if it's fixable, and that leads me to my second bad thing.

I just checked out our money situation. Lately we have been doing so good - saving so much money and paying all of our bills on time and being good adults. But I see that our bank account has dwindled down to practically nothing. And that is mainly because we missed a week of work when we went to Florida. I know I should just calm down and take it as it comes. I mean, Chris gets paid tomorrow and so do I and we will be right back up to where we should be, but in the meantime, I wanted to get my hair cut for my new job. We need groceries. I think we have an automatic bill payment tomorrow and what if we haven't deposited our checks yet!?

I need to take a deep breath. This is how we lived the entire first half of our marriage yet. Paycheck to paycheck, wracking up the credit card bills. If worse comes to worst, we will simply have to use those credit cards again. After all, it's only one day. Tomorrow is when we get paid. We'll be okay after tomorrow. I still don't know how often I get paid at my new job though, and I don't know if there is a waiting period for new employees and I don't know if we'll be able to make it until I get paid there and on and on and on. I want to go get my hair cut just so I can feel good about myself. But then I think I might regret spending money. We will get through this.

Tomorrow we get paid. And if they try to process a payment from our account, doesn't it take a bit to process anyways? So that gives us time? Ugh. I'm freaking out. I hate this. I need to settle down. It's only till tomorrow.

Still here

2007-09-03T16:51:00.001-07:00

I am still alive and apologize for not writing sooner!

An update on my previous post "Oh, addicts": S was not on a bender. S skipped out of work. He called into work at 3pm, saying that he just took a day off. The short of it is that he wanted to prove to B that if B wants to dispense of him, he can do it. He didn't want to put up with B's constant criticism. He didn't want to come to work and deal with it.

On the one hand, I could completely understand. I could even agree. B is just...it's hard to even come up with a word that single handily covers all of the issues. I can see why S would not want to come in. I didn't want to either.

But. On the other hand, to go about executing your plan like that is selfish. I was worried sick. Rae and my office manager were worried as well. And to simply call in at 3pm saying you were golfing gives one relief but it also filled me with so much anger. How could he be that selfish as not to think that other people are really worried about him?

B never got ahold of him and they haven't spoken yet. I am going out of town tomorrow and Wednesday and will not be around to see what happens.

That is the short version. B also apologized to me for his rude behaviour though he continued to act the same after his apology was over.

I just wanted to let you all know that I will be back in full-fledged action on Wednesday night or Thursday.

Oh, addicts

2007-08-31T11:41:00.000-07:00

I am really worried. S, whom I have spoken about before on here many times, has not showed up for work today. It's 1:40pm. He told me he would meet me here at 8 so we could talk. He had two business meetings. He has not shown up. He has not called. He has not answered his phone for anyone. His mom (who works for us) doesn't know where he is.

I am worried because he is an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic to be precise. He has been on and off the wagon for 6 months, and was doing pretty good. But B has been up his butthole lately. I know he has been stressed out. He has a problem with drugs and alcohol. Chris has told me to have him go to a meeting with him. S has said he would sometime. But that has yet to be seen.

I am worried. Strangely, it reminds me so much of Chris. It reminds me of when he would not answer or come home or call or anything. And I would go out looking for him. I would drive around looking for his car. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Granted, it was 50 times worse when it was Chris, but this is a fraction of that feeling. I recognize it and hate it.

He is my friend, my good friend, and it is not like him to not show up or call. He is not that irresponsible. He is dedicated to work. So that is why I am worried.

For now, I just sit here waiting to hear something. For now, I just call his phone every hour to see if for some reason he answers. But what happens when he does? Do I offer him some company of myself and my addict husband?

I hope he is okay. He needs to call.

I Hate Myself Sometimes

2007-08-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hate myself. I just had a deeply satisfying, while highly unhealthy, meal for lunch. An order of onion rings and a nacho cheese hot dog. Why, why, why?! Tonight Chris and I are supposed to go out for dinner, supposedly.

And now I feel incredibly guilty. I am going to a concert on Tuesday and am doing so good with my weight loss that I thought for sure I would fit into my jeans by then. But when I eat like this...not looking too promising. Granted, I won't be eating a bunch of things like I had for lunch tonight, but still. I hate myself for doing that; and I wish I could exercise willpower.

It only happens like once a week, but still. Now I set myself back a day. Especially if I go out tonight! So I was talking to Rae and she said just to go out tonight and not eat a lot tomorrow. Even though I said maybe I should just go out tomorrow to even things out. I don't know. I just really want to keep losing healthily and to fit into that pair of jeans!!

It's not the end of the world if I don't fit into them by that exact day - I just really wanted to. I just really thought I could reach that goal. And I'm sure I could if I didn't eat out all week until Tuesday. And even if I didn't, I still wouldn't be at my maximum goal. That was just a little goal in between.

So what do I do? Eat tonight? Or eat tomorrow? At the restaurant, that is. I know it's not the end of the world but I have been so proud of myself for getting this far. I just really thought I could do it quickly. I suppose it I stay diligent all weekend and just eat what I normally do, and walk like I normally do, I'll be okay. But it's Labor Day weekend and I'm sure I will be invited to a barbecue and ugh. I am so obsessive about this.

So one time a week eating like a pig is okay, right? One day of stuffing myself. Just eat out tonight and be careful tomorrow. I just don't want to GAIN anything tonight. Which I'm afraid will happen. It probably will, I don't know what I'm saying. I'll just have to walk a lot.

I hate myself sometimes.

Give me a break!!

2007-08-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Have I ever written about my boss? I don't think I really have. Not the real boss, that is. I have written about my friend the boss, but this boss is nothing like my friend. He is the same person. He has many different personalities.

B has been my boss since February. I liked him since my interview. He is outgoing, friendly, funny - just a fun person to be around. However, he is also the most unique person I have ever met. He is obsessed, in a way that I have never seen, with sex. His life is sex. Now I know there are people out there (I used to be one of them!) who love sex and crave it constantly, but he is beyond normal. He constantly talks about every different kind of sex you can think of. He makes extremely inappropriate remarks, and is a frequent shopper at our local porn shop. He violates the women employees in many ways, but often gives kindly $100 bills "for no reason."

For awhile, I thought he was nice. I thought he was just being kind and compassionate to us poor folks who need money. But I figured it out after awhile that he is basically paying us to stay quiet. Paying us to let him be crude and rude and wrong. He has done so many inappropriate things that I do not even want to mention on here because it is embarrassing and humiliating. Maybe I will mention them on Cuntface.

As I got to know B, he turned out to be nothing like what I originally thought. This is shameful to me because I am usually excellent at reading people and judging them on first impressions. Lately, he has been a real asshole.

He is the owner of the company and has worked with S, my other boss just under B, for the last 15 years. Yet he still does not trust S. S has never stolen, never done anything wrong to B. He is in constant watch over S, checking his timesheets, checking all of his work, and constantly down-talking him behind his back.

My loyalty used to be to B. Perhaps it's because he used to slip me bills, or perhaps it's because I felt "closer" to him. But then I started to work with S. S has become one of my good friends. I see all the work he does. He is not a sexual harasser. Also, I work directly for S.

Yesterday, B came into my office, saw S's payroll (I do all payroll) and complained about it in a not-so-subtle way, yet not-so-verbal way as well. I asked him point blank if there was anything more he would like to see. After typing into his calculator (yes, he is one of those), he said no. He found out all he needed to know - as if he was paying S too much. Let me also state here that this company has no benefits. None. S has never had benefits through this company.

So besides that annoying me, he then proceeded to asked why I had not made S' hours available on the "server" before he left for vacation. We got into a little disagreement then about how I had, they were there, and he just didn't know how to access them. B then went out to ask the computer guy to show him.

I sent him a message stating that I was leaving. And I left. A couple minutes later I get a call from Rae that is saying that he wants the print out of the the payroll. Through a series of events that I will not bore you with, he exploded on Rae about how nothing ever gets done the way he wants. No one listens to him. He then complained to my office manager about how she was not supposed to tell S what he said about S' payroll.

I realize this is getting long and I'm sure it will mean nothing to all of you, but the long and short of it is that he is a huge jerk. He takes everyone for granted, is unappreciative, a micro-manager, rude, and wrong on all sorts of levels.

So today, I was all prepared for a fight. Normally after disagreeing with him for a minute, I will say okay or something to just end it. But I was ready today. I am done being demeaned and disrespected and I was ready to go at it. But he has ignored me all day. It was fine at first, but now I just want to yell at him and get it off my chest. Stop being so immature. We are not 8. We don't ignore. We talk about our problems.

Then again, he has been immature since day 1. What was once his charm is now his downfall.

Update -and- it's my fault

2007-08-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

Today is a very good day! I stepped on the scale...and I have lost 11 pounds total! 11 pounds out of the 20 I need to lose, soooo, that is a good day.

I have been waiting and depriving myself of such unhealthy yet delicious food, but when the time comes like this, it is certainly a payoff. I know when I get back to my normal weight I have to be careful about what I eat so I don't go right back up, but I know what to do and I know that I will maintain my weight once I get back there.

Life has been pretty slow lately. There is no traumatic news or huge update to tell you all. I am back at work; and I start my new job on the 10th of September. It is coming quick, and I am little nervous. Starting new jobs always scares me a little. Not knowing anyone and having to learn an entirely new set of rules, systems, etc., freaks me out. But I know I will be fine.

I realize I have not posted Background #5 yet so I promise I will get to that soon. I am not able to write as much during work because I actually have to train someone and concentrate on getting things done because I am leaving. However, I will do it soon.

It's funny that I usually only write a lot when things are stressful and I need to vent. When things are going well though, I guess I just want to savor them and not blog about them. But things with Chris are good. He is attending his meetings regularly and does things around the house so much.

I should really express how grateful and proud I am to him, but like I said, I tend to turn into a cold heartless bitch most of the time. I wish I knew how to not do that. I am the one who is making this not work; I am the one who is making this fail. I wish I could just magically fix that with my magical hoohah.

Now that I think about it, I really need to work on that - I just don't know how. I want to be more loving and open, but I am not doing a good job. I want to show him my gratefulness, my proudness. I am the reason for the problems. He did all he can do. I need to forgive and let go. So hard though. I am being incredibly bitter and shutting myself down. I don't know how to open myself up. He is making so much progress yet I am holding on to the past.

Wow. It's my fault. The way it is now - it's my fault.

8 Random Things

2007-08-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by Missunderstandings. I am supposed to say 8 random things about me...so...here it goes.

I love when it is raining in the morning and dark yet, especially when I am not working so I can sleep.
I say things without thinking of how they will affect other people all the time. Big mouth.
My favorite food is potatoes. I love any and every kind, minus sweet.
I love to write. I have written 3 novels. I was in the process of publishing, but I quit.
My favorite musical artist is Damien Rice. He can touch your soul like no one can.
I have serious friend issues. I become jealous and insecure over everything.
I married a crack addict. :)
I don't like to get too personal.

I think I get to tag 3 people now. So I am tagging Married to my Ex, Behind Pinned Eyes, and Mantramine.

Anniversary expectations...upheld!

2007-08-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

The anniversary yesterday was done very well. Chris woke me up with decorating the kitchen with red streamers and a bouncy bow hanging from the fan. On the table under it was a vase filled with beautiful flowers of all different colors, and next to that was a plate filled with waffles. There was a clean, single plate in front of a chair - all for me. I love waffles so much and haven't had them forever! So I was able to eat waffles soaked in syrup and butter and share them with the man I love.

And my present, aside from a bag of Pizza Combos (yum!!) and a couple candy bars, was a diamond necklace. Yes, a diamond necklace. So he did a couple things right on our first anniversary!

It was a good day. We spent the day together and later on went out for dinner with my family because my siblings are leaving for school. It was a nice day.

I do have some other things to discuss, but I will do that in a different post.

Anniversary expectations

2007-08-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

Wow. I really suck at keeping you guys up to date on things lately. Actually, not much has been going on.

Tomorrow is Chris and I's first year anniversary. One year of marriage. It is a pretty big deal to me. If only for the reason that I want Chris to celebrate it and pamper it as he has never done before. I don't know if that will happen. He doesn't take clues very easily - or if he does, he doesn't let on that he let on.

I mean, I literally will flat out say "You should do something very special because it is our first year marriage anniversary." And he will say he knows. But the second I say that, I hate myself because I want him to think of something on his own. This must be the classic female scenario. If you don't say something, he might not do something. If you say something, he will most likely do it and then you will think he did it just because you told him to.

Wow. We women really make life so difficult. Hah.

Either way, tomorrow is the big one year. August 26th. We have made it through one year of marriage. It has mostly been tough. I will say that. It has not been easy. Each day is a struggle. And a lot of days I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, the majority of the days, I lose the struggle to be kind. To give the benefit of the doubt. To start to trust. To laugh. I lose the struggle.

It is sad, actually. Because I will get home from work, and I will shut down. I turn evil. And not evil evil, but I close up towards him. I put on my hard shell. I do not have fun, and that is my own doing. Instead of loosening up and joking and enjoying myself, I shut down and don't do any of the aforementioned things. I am cold. I am cold towards him.

It is slightly late and I am slightly tired so I am slightly rambling. But to sum it up. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I will tell you what he does and if he makes me proud.

Not How I Planned It

2007-08-23T18:54:00.000-07:00

I told my co-workers today. Yes, I told S and my boss and my manager. It was really nervewracking, and since I am an emotional crazy person, I feel pretty wiped out from all of it.

It turns out that my good friend Rae (the one in the last bunch of posts) told S. And S in turn told my boss. S took me out for coffee this morning to go over work things and in the meantime, as we were working, he asked if he could interrupt for a moment. And then he said "Are you going to tell me or not?" I looked at him for awhile and then said "I don't want to."

I acted like a fool afterwards and started to cry. He is a good friend to me and was nice about it but I felt like a moron.

I was actually really mad at Rae because while she did help a little by making it easier, I feel like it made me look like a coward for not telling them myself. We all know the reason I didn't. I didn't want to tell them over the phone while I was in Florida. I wanted to tell them in person, but she beat me to it.

She is texting me now, telling me that she didn't mean to but that S was being very pushy. It really doesn't matter. Everyone but my immediate manager knew. I wish they didn't partially - so I could have told them, but I am also a little glad they did know, like I said.

Either way, I wish they would have heard it first from me. S and I finished our coffee and talked about some other life things - it was all around a nice coffee time and he was understanding. I was and still am sad about leaving these people that I have grown to care about tremendously, but it is high time for this position. I have been waiting awhile, and am so excited for it. While I will miss these people a lot, it is time for me to move into a position that I will love - something I enjoy doing and something that I look forward to coming to every day. It is time to start my career.

So tomorrow I have my physical for my new job. Eeks! I hate blood withdrawals and stuff. I'll let you know how that goes.

This post is kind of all over the place so when I am feeling a little more up to it, I will post more details if anyone cares.

Should be proud

2007-08-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Guess who messaged me last night? Yes, M. M the ex. I stared at it for awhile, but thankfully, I was on the phone with that friend from back home, and had some distraction. When I got off the phone, M was still on, still waiting for a response.

Chris and the friend told me to ignore it or to say I was busy. But it was taking all my willpower not to respond. So I text messaged my sister, asking her for advice quickly. She said ignore at all costs. So I did. I ignored at all costs.

And I should feel happy. I should feel proud that I ignored. But instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment and finally one-up-ment, I feel sad. I feel like I am missing out on what could be a beautiful friendship. It could, couldn't it? I know, I know. I am just talking myself into this craziness, and I should be proud for ignoring. But I am not that kind of person. I am friendly. I am nice. I don't ignore. I don't ignore friends.

I know M is not my friend. M has been using me. But what if I needed M? Really truly needed? I know M would be there for me. So is it really using if I just have not taken M up on the "usage"?

But I am reminded, by someone who commented, the reason I am ignoring M is because of my deep feelings that haven't went away. And I need to ignore M because it only wreaks havoc on my emotions after the talking. Maybe I should tell M that I can't talk anymore because of my feelings?

Oh brother. Well. I should be proud, right.

My old job

2007-08-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I know I am a very emotional person. But sometimes things just hit me out of nowhere.

I had to call work today, from Florida!, to answer a call from my boss. Turns out all four of them, which are like the little family, are all on the way to lunch together. It made me so sad! I wasn't with them, and then it hit me that after two weeks, I won't be anymore again. They will go on their lunches without me because I won't work there anymore. It's really sad, quite honestly. I won't be part of the little family anymore.

S was asking if I miss him, and saying he missed me, and that it has been a long time (3 weeks) and again, it will be a lot longer most likely when I quit, unless we hang out together some time, which we have been known to do. A whole part of my life, a part that I have loved, will be gone.

Don't get me wrong - I was and am NOT a fan of the work I was doing there. All I could think was that it was below me. That I was better than it, and that I should not be doing expenses and payroll and answering calls. I should be doing social work. But I loved the people, and that is why I went every day. I am friends with all of them in unique ways. We are all a tight knit group and I won't be a part of that anymore.

So while I am leaving to pursue a job that I will (hopefully) be content in, I am leaving them behind. I am leaving to do what I have wanted to do for a long time. The hard part is leaving this camaraderie, leaving the group of friends behind. When I first started, they told me it was like working with your friends - hanging out with your friends. And they were right (for the most part.) It's hard to weigh the options - stay with your friends and enjoy it but hate your job, or find a job you love and make new friends there.

I didn't know it would be so hard.

News from beyond

2007-08-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

Some surprising and exciting news! The phone rang yesterday morning before 9 - hah, needless to say I was sound asleep. The number looked like the future employer that I have been so hoping to work for. Remember that interview I had?

Well, they called a couple days ago, wanting another reference. To be quite honest, I had thought they were not interested in me. But when I listened to my message, (yikes! roaming) she offered me the job! Yes, I got the job! I cannot even tell you how excited I was, am! I have waited a year for a social work job. I have been waiting forever for one.

I jumped up and down and screamed, and then...I realized that when I get back from vacation I am going to have to quit my current job. This actually saddens me because everyone there is like a tight knit group of family or friends. And my friend, the one I have mentioned in the past two posts, works there as well and I will no longer get to see her every day. Or make fun of people every day. Hah.

I know that my boss, the owner, has no clue whatsoever that I am thinking of leaving. The last time I mentioned it was when my manager was being a real Satanic whore and he said that I was just emotional and was probably "on my period." Yeah, he's that kind of guy. Either way, I am going to have to break the news to him when I return and this is not that fun of a thing to think about when I am on vacation.

I am super excited though! This job is going to kick butt - tuition reimbursement (to get my master's!), paid vacations, benefits after one month, and flexible hours. Yes, basically a normal job. But the job I have now is a small company that is just starting to offer insurance. They do not have paid vacations, or tuition reimbursement. The sad part about that is though - the job I have now was going to pay for my insurance entirely.

The excitement of the new job has not worn off entirely though - I am still out of my freakin' mind excited for this and all the possibilities that lay ahead. I am finally in my field. I am finally doing what I have longed to do.

So that is my post from Florida. :) Exciting news on vacation!

Florida

2007-08-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well after a long hectic day of flying and driving, I am finally here - Florida! I cannot guarantee I will be on every day to chat and talk. We brought the laptop in case we are bored, or in case we need to find something to do around here.

I am tired and stressed out. We got into the condo and our room had not even been cleaned! I do not know where we will sleep tonight. Sleeping on someone else's nastiness is NOT appealing to me in the least.

Also, I am homesick. I am a huge dork, but I have always been like this. I am sorry for my dear husband, but that is just the way I am. Hopefully I will snap out of it by tomorrow. Anyways - that was just a quick update! Try to check in more later!

The next phase

2007-08-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

That friend from the previous post has sunk out of the "I don't care" phase and entered the phase of crying, depression, and not caring about anything else.

She didn't come to work today and when I talked to her she told me that she had been having a horrible two weeks and simply needed a day to cry. So that's what she was going to do. She is really my greatest friend right now but this guy is no good for her.

She works with me (who doesn't??:)) and has missed days already for completely unprofessional reasons and treated the "missing days" like trivial things. I know that if I were not so close to her, I would recommend her *ss get fired! Not because I am Satan, but it really is completely wrong what she has been doing.

That's a different post. This post is about my feelings about this guy. I have hung out with him and her and I think he is awesome. I can see how he would cheat though. He is extremely flirtatious, touching me and flirting with me in front of Chris, in front of my friend. But I did not picture him as someone who would go beyond that simple harmless touching flirty thing. And now, the question is not whether he did or not. Actually, it is no longer a question. He lied.

He lied to her. And if a guy is going to mess you up this much, enough to make you sit at home alone and cry all day when she should be making money to support her and her son, he is a loser.

She tells me how he comes over every morning before work (he is in a Huber facility) and bangs on the door until she lets him in. Why, I say? Why? You said you were going to leave him alone, not talk to him or anything until you figured out what you wanted to do. She said that if she does not get the door, he will not stop banging on it and it is embarrassing to her. Well then call the cops. I know she loves him.

But the picture she is painting is not looking good. He is possessive; he has no intention of "letting her go." He will come everyday and bang, bang, bang until she opens the door. He told her she cannot go out drinking, even though she told him that she was taking a break from him. He said whatever guy she is talking to, he will send his brother out to beat him up.

I was watching something today about abusive relationships and this struck me as a little odd. I didn't say anything. I don't think he is abusing her, or ever has. I just think he is beyond possessive and that if she really, truly wants a break, she needs to set her boundaries. Who cares if he is banging on the door? Let the neighbors call the cops then.

I know, so much easier said than done. And I know she loves him and part of her wants him to come every day because it shows he still wants to be with her. I know she loves him. And I still support her. And he was always cool when we hung out. But this just doesn't feel right.

I know this isn't about me, but my life has been so good and so boring lately! I don't have much to say! I could write the next part of my life, but none a ya all have read Background #4 as it is!!

Cheaters

2007-08-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand. What is it about men? My recently-became best friend just found out her boyfriend is cheating on her. And to make matters worse, the other woman told her. To make them worse than that, he lied about it upon the initial confrontation.

Yes, he straight up lied. It has taken days upon days of her asking, of him denying, of her ignoring - until he finally admitted it. He hasn't confessed to all of it, not yet, but he is still a dog. It is so sad. She has been there for him through everything - when he had cancer, when he was in the hospital - and this is what he does.

What is up with guys? Drugs, sex, (rock and roll hah) - they can't seem to get enough of it, from everyone. Why can't they just be happy with what they have? Is it really necessary to go out and do more drugs or kiss up on some girl?

Or is our fault, the women? Are just too stupid and blinded and naive to think that our men just simply love us and want to be with us and make us happy, when in reality they are screwing anything that breathes? I realize that sometimes great relationships (JW and G) are formed out of affairs, but I feel horrible for my friend who has been living her life in happiness and trust and now this. She is now in the "I don't care" stage which is possibly one of the worst.

That stage - in all its glory - brings about actions of nonsensicalness. But I think that even when we are in deepest stage of "I-don't-care-ness" we really do. There is still some part of us that cares about what happens or what doesn't happen.

All I can do is sit and listen and comfort and offer my words of advice. When she wants to know what I would do, I honestly have no clue. This is one of the first times I don't act like I know what I do - don't proclaim to know everything. Because how many people would have told me to leave Chris? I know cheating on someone is different, but is it that much different?

Besides, I have recognized this in myself so much lately - who am I to judge? I am not going to judge her for what she picks because I don't know what the right way is. If he makes her happy, then good. If he is her "one", then I am not going to fault her. In fact, I don't even have that in my normally judgmental head.

What I am thinking is that I love this girl. And I have absolutely no fricken clue what I would do. After this past year, I am different. I stayed with my addict. No one has the right to judge that. After this past year, I see more clearly that no one will ever fully know why one person stays with another. If he makes her happy, then I am glad she would stay with him.

Either way, she hasn't made a decision yet but she is torn up.

This post is so clearly just a bunch of ramblations but oh well.

$161

2007-08-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am so bothered! Chris and I are going on vacation, in case all ya' all don't read past posts - and I have been quoted TWO, YES TWO, times as the price to rent the car, my age and all, at 161. $161!! That is insanely good and I have looked, oh believe me, I have looked.

So today, I call that place, the $161 place, and they said, "Okay, after taxes and blahblahblah, it will be $291." $291!? Are you fucking kidding me? That is insane, and I am so fricken' mad about that. Why the hell don't you say $291 to begin with? Why do you lie to me, when I gave you the exact same information last time I called?

Why the hell did you say $161 if you really meant $291?! You get my hopes up and you don't even mean it! That is just wrong!!

Fricken' liars. Why the heck are rental cars so expensive for us 23-year-olds? We are good drivers! Or at least I am, minus that speeding ticket I got 2 weeks ago! So come on!! So fricken' aggravating.

Gave up

2007-08-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

I feel refreshed and wonderful this morning. It is Friday so that could be one of the reasons. Also, I feel like things are a little more settled. My parents are coming for dinner on Sunday night (oh, no!! diet will be out the window!), and Chris and I are going to Florida on Wednesday for a week. It will be nice to regroup and to refocus on our relationship.

This morning when I got to work, I read a blog that really reminded me of me. Mantramine posted some incredible things. She talked about how she had already walked away from her husband in her heart and how she was excited to no longer have him, or more likely, this problem of drug addiction in her life.

This affected me so much, I cannot even put it into words. I withdrew from my husband as well. Strange, I was going to write "she was excited to give up on him." The words give up are not what I meant at all, at least not in the sense they are usually meant. I meant it in the way that I change it to. But when I read that giving up, what I myself wrote, I realized how accurate that was in my own life.

When I first came to grips with the fact that Chris was addicted to crack cocaine, not only did I feel relief but I felt that we could work through it now. Now that the truth was out. But as I delved further into how deep his lies had taken us and as I realized how seriously in trouble we were in on so many levels, it seemed impossible.

And soon, I didn't want it in my life. I didn't want him in my life. I, in essence, gave up. And I don't think it was because I was weak. I don't think it was because I didn't love him anymore. It was because he had caused too much damage. We had lost so much money, so much respect, so much freedom, and the worst thing to me was trust. I simply did not think I could get it back. And honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want to. I was excited to let go and be done with the entire situation.

Perhaps that was because I now knew I could make it on my own. Perhaps it was because if I had to go live with my parents no one could blame me. Perhaps it was because I knew that M would be there for me if I left Chris (when in all actuality M had no plans to be with me). But I had walked away from him in my heart.

When I finally decided to walk back, it was so hard. I still am not fully there. Like Mantramine said, "detached" if she goes back. And it is not only hard to go back, but it is hard to be detached to begin with. It's hard all around.

So I am back. I am back in my heart. I care. I do. And I am giving this a fighting chance. The detachment is different. It is so hard not to wonder if he has used again, why he is gone so long, why he is not answering his phone - so many things. But it's one step at a time for me, one day at a time. I hope one day I can be fully there, not always guarding my heart.

Detachment is different than what I mean there, I believe. But it is hard nonetheless. Each day is difficult, sometimes increasingly so. But if I really want it, I can do it.

Budgeting

2007-08-09T07:25:00.000-07:00

We sat down after I got off work last night and discussed our finances. We layed out a budget, which has been too long in coming. Then he called credit card companies to see what he could do about setting up a payment plan. It was a huge blessing - combined, two credit card companies dropped over $1500 for us. Not like we are special, but they dropped the late payments and overcharges and interest. I feel like we are not so deep in debt now.

We are still deep, but now it is beyond reasonable. We can pay things off a lot quicker than before. I feel so much better. It was also really nice to sit down and discuss things and handle things like adults. To figure out how much we are taking in and how much we can put out.

The next step is rebuilding our credit and I think that will be much easier than this. We do not plan on using our credit cards unless for emergencies, and now I can't wait to buy a house. My friend's sister has her realtor's license so I was able to look at houses we could afford. It is so exciting even though it is so far away. I can't wait to build that dream - to have our own house, and have our animals there, and get a puppy.

It is so exciting. Even though I do need a new car. Either way, I am so satisfied and happy that we finally got what was looming over my head settled. Now we just have to keep track of when bills are due and how much of it is due.

One baby step though - a giant leap for mankind.

Redeeming Myself

2007-08-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

I hope so, at least.

M called about 1/2 an hour ago. I was on the other line at the time, so I looked at it, smiled to myself, and ignored it. Three minutes later, another call. I ignored it again.

No voicemail, but a few minutes later again, a text message reading "Made a mistake Please disregard my phone call" I am not sure what that means. Does it mean M made a mistake calling tonight, or calling last night? Does it mean M made a mistake because feelings are actually presenting themselves, or because I was offended by some comments?

I am itching to text back and need some encouragement, quick! I simply want to know what M meant! That's all! I feel like I am not being able to shove it in M's face the way I want to. I want to be able to send a text of question and get a response, and then ignore that. This just seems like I am doing just what M wants. Disregarding. And I want to disregard on my terms. I want to disregard with a dagger to M.

A dagger for using me. A dagger for coming back into my life. A dagger for thinking I would always be there. A dagger for the insults, when M knows absolutely nothing about me anymore, and never will. A dagger right to emotional heart.

Mean, I know. But honest. So I am torn between texting back to find out what M meant or simply not writing back at all ever.

I can be strong, right? I can stay above the temptation. I can. But it's so hard.

What a friggin idiot

2007-08-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

Oh, why did I not listen to myself? Why did I not get that note of encouragement so badly needed to help me stay in the right direction (from Amy)? Instead, I saw it after I was nearly off the phone with M.

Yes, M called last night, and we talked for nearly 1 and 1/2 hours. I mainly listened, offered a little advice here and there, and then listened some more. Towards the end of the conversation, the focus was on me and some things M knew about back in the day. It turned sour quickly. M's opinion is based on M's own experiences and really doesn't know anything about mine. I started to take offense and ended up saying "Okay, well I don't really want to get into it so I'm going to go now. Have a good night." And M said "Whatever" or some snobby comment, and I said bye and hung up.

The reason for the offending is something I am not ready to get into on here yet, but it was strictly none of M's business anymore and nothing M would be knowledgeable about. Also, M has no idea of anything that has been going on. M does not know about Chris' crack addictions and the mess we are in. It offended me for M to presume to know things, to know how to solve things, to tell me something was easy when M has no clue.

Either way, I was a stupid idiot for even conversing. I know I was being used and I was okay with it. But I wish with all my heart I would have ignored the call. I wish I could have rejected M so M would know that I am not interested in these games. Which a couple of months ago, I wasn't. I told myself I wasn't. I wasn't going to do the half-ass things of talking once every couple months and that's it. So I need to stick to that.

I can do better than M. It was a good time in my life, a great time, but I am not going back to it and not looking back. I was hurt and M was hurt, and I am not interested in giving up some more of my heart to M when I am already a little too vulnerable for my liking.

I kind of wish M would call just so I could not answer. Hah. Evil, I know. But I need to practice some of the advice I gave - don't be so readily available. You're not in a relationship anymore. I wish I wasn't so f-ing dumb about it last night. I wish I would have been strong!!

I wish I would have not answered. M would have known why and I would have known why and it would have been a great message to send and now I am beating myself up.

Stupid stupid.

The Call

2007-08-06T07:26:00.002-07:00

That old lover called last night. Apparently, M's relationship fell apart. M is again single.

For some sick and twisted reason, I found pleasure in that. I found that pleasure because the last time I talked to M, I was told that even had I decided to not marry Chris and to stay with M, it would not have mattered. M would have went off to be with the new flame the second it was possible. That crushed me.

Here I was, months into my marriage, wondering if I made a huge mistake by not picking M and wondering if M missed me, felt the same about me. But no. M had moved on beyond me, so far beyond there was not even a thought. And that's what was said.

So when M got ahold of me last night and told me that, I didn't know just what to think. "Old school advice" is what was said, but I can't help but thinking that M just was coming back to something familiar, something that gave solace, something that gave comfort. And why not go get advice from the one best friend since elementary school? Why me?

I couldn't talk long because my sister was coming over and she would not approve of this conversation. I told M that. Why did I tell M that? There was really no reason. No need to say that. But M said I should not say anything to my sister about us talking and I should call later.

Through the movie all I could think of was calling M. I am so pathetic! I am a married woman - my husband is in the next room! But I started to entertain thoughts of grandiosity - of me going over there, of talking, of starting something up. Maybe not even something romantic, but something on terms of friendliness again. Something where we are central in each other's lives as the greatest friends again.

I miss that - our friendship. The easy going way we had with each other. But I don't think it is possible to have again. We sabotaged it when we forged ahead with a deeper meaning to the relationship. And when that part ended, so did everything else good about us.

I wonder if this is how it will be though. Calling each other when we need to talk, when we need the "old school" comfort or when things get tough. We have that connection. Will it always be there? Will it always be there in that way that it is now? When we haven't talked for months and something sad or tragic happens we can just call each other up because we know we will be there for each other, and that we have that bond?

And if it is like that, I'm not sure it is safe. Every time the feelings for M seem to die down, there M is, right back in my life. I am so obviously not over M, and when we were in a relationship it was pretty unhealthy. Not that any relationships before that or after that were healthy, but nonetheless. I would do everything in my power to make M as happy as possible, usually disregarding my own feelings in the process. And I can see myself slipping back into that same pattern every time the phone rings.

M said nevermind about calling later then (too late) and we never did get to talk, but I layed awake for awhile thinking about the situation and situations to come and talking to M and not talking to M. I wonder if M will call back today. I highly doubt it. It's a new day. I bet clarity has come and I will no longer be needed. Yet I will hope I do get a call which is so dangerous and so wrong. I don't need this.

Why do I want it. I know no call will come - it was a moment of weakness on M's part, I can tell. And while I am busy conjugating things in my mind that I want to happen, M will be moving on. Like normal.

Yucky

2007-08-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am very annoyed with myself today. Again, about weight. I have only lost five pounds at the most the entire time I have been trying to lose weight. I am starting to wonder if I am just destined to stay the same I am now. If my body just won't lose anymore.

There are still a couple things I am dying to fit into to wear before summer is out and that does not look possible. Just ten more pounds - that's all I want. It really shouldn't be that hard, should it? Only ten more!

I am crabby and annoyed and just fed up. I love to eat! I love to eat when I want and what I want and I have always been able to do so, and now the fact that I can't is lurking behind everything I do. Every thing. It bothers me so much. I just want to lose those final ten.

I don't even know how I lost the first five. I just ate a little teeny bit less, and started walking every day and swam a couple days a week. I have continued this regiment and have not gone up or down. So I am wondering if that is just how I am gonna be. If this is the weight I am stuck at now.

I kind of want to just eat one meal a day for a couple days until I am down but I know that I'll shoot right back up after that when I go back to eating my normal way. Sometimes I am so torn about myself because there are days when I just simply don't care.

I think "I'm not fat!! I'm not even close to fat! So big deal that I can't fit into the same cute pants that I love!" That does happen sometimes. I am happy with myself. I know I'm skinny. I know my husband still wants to bang my brains out. And I think that why does it matter? I'll eat what I want, in proportion, but I will eat what I want and be okay.

But I am not satisfied with myself which just brings everything down. It's really really frustrating. I just want to fit into my old clothes. And I don't want to throw them out and buy new clothes that make me feel good because what if one day I can fit into them!?

I don't know what to do. Just ten pounds. That's all I want. Maybe I should just eat fruit and vegetables for the next week so that by the time I go on vacation I will be down to my normal weight that I have been at all my life.

I want to cry just thinking about it! I just recently looked at a picture of these baggy pants I was wearing and my stomach was showing a little and I was so cute. And now, when I try those pants on, they are so tight. Not even a little baggy.

That was my skinniest point, I'd say. And I want to get back there.

Background #4

2007-08-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

A month after New Year's Eve, literally January 31st, he didn't come home. And to be quite honest, I can't even remember how long he was gone. It could have been one night, it could have been 1/2 a day, it could have been two nights.

It's funny, isn't it? How your memory does that to you? So many things I don't remember. I try so hard to remember. I think I am trying to protect myself by blocking out painful things.

All I remember was that his parents knew he was not home, again. I was so calm and relaxed. I only started worrying when they said they were coming over. I knew something had happened then. I knew something bad. I didn't think death; I thought jail. I thought a crime. Something we would have to go through. And sadly, sometimes I wished it was death. It sounds so horrible to say, but I was living in hell and couldn't bear much more.

They came up and we stood in the kitchen for what seemed like eternity before I said "Okay, what happened." Negatively, preparing for the worst. I remember his mom saying the exact words, "Well, he's not dead." Sarcastically, annoyed. And I knew that whatever he had done was possibly worse than death. I knew that everything I had been going through and every moment was culiminating to this.

He was in jail. He was arrested the night before for something with drugs. They didn't know much else. I stood there. I just stood there. His parents stood there too. We just stared on. I finally said "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

What a ridiculous question! What stupidity! Like they were going to tell me what to do with my life. Like they were going to tell me how to handle their fucked-up son. Like I would listen to their answers anyways.

I started crying then. I did not want to cry in front of them - such vulnerabilty, such a show of emotion for people I did not show emotion in front of. His dad hugged me then, held me really, for an eternity, minutes upon minutes.

They told me they would not leave me alone. They wanted me to call someone, and I told them I would. But who to call? No one really knew what I was going through. No one knew anything. I could not just surprise them with this thing - completely out of the blue. Besides, I didn't need anybody.

But I told them I would call my friend. I told them I would call Amber. And true to my word, I did call her. But she was in another city and could not get back.

I spent the night by myself, knowing my husband, my brand new husband, was sitting in county.

What Happened

2007-08-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

The interview went fine, I believe. I was hardly nervous - I have found I am barely nervous about anything these days. I was only afraid I wouldn't get it. However, I was not scared of the interview process.

I already have a job so I knew that if I failed at getting this job, I could not be disappointed for not having a job because I still do!

It was a dark orange/red brick building that had defintely seen better days. I would also say that it must have at one time been a factory. I got there early and made my way upstairs. I walked.

I was wearing a professional suit, but the weather here is incredibly hot (as it is most places, I believe!) and thankfully, she said I could take off my suit coat. I met with two women.

Social work interviews are the worst. You have to answer a series of situational questions. One that I can remember goes like this: "A child has been living with their foster parents for quite some times now. He/she loves living there and has transitioned smoothly. The foster parents would like to adopt, but the child would not like to be adopted. What are some of the possible reasons for this?"

How nervewracking! The questions were not for specific answers but broad ones. My experience with children is vast, but certainly not in the foster or adoption system. I did not want to seem foolish. I did not want to seem like I knew nothing.

We will see. They are hiring 4 or 5 individuals. That is good news. I am excited for that. However, I still worry that I do not have enough qualifications for the position. I did tell them that I was planning on going back to school and that I was almost done with my state certification.

I will find out within a week and a half, they said. They told me not to worry if I do not hear back from them soon. I took that as a good thing, that they liked me, but I do not want to get my hopes too far up.

So that, Amy, :) is what happened.

Interview!!

2007-07-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have an interview today, yay!! Finally, finally, FINALLY, in social work with children - the exact reason I went into this field. I am so very excited, but trying to limit myself because I know the chances are slim I will get the job.

They want the new hire to have their Master's degree and I have not yet begun to climb that slope. I wanted to get a job in my field before I went back to school. I am hoping that this is the lead I need, and that even if I don't get this particular job, that other interviews will come my way.

I am so excited about this possibility. This particular job seems like something I would love to do. I hope I impress them with my wonderful friendly skills, and with the little professional experience I do have. I hope they see something in me worth hiring.

I know there are many other candidates, probably some who are much more qualified than me, but everyone has to start somewhere!!

Eeeks!! My excitement needs to be tamed so I am not disappointed if/when I don't get it.

Fucking Debt

2007-07-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

I can't handle it today. I just can't. I don't know how to even explain to him how I feel.

We were discussing our bills. Discussing how tomorrow I'm going to a bank to fill out an application for a loan. We have no collateral - no house, no boat, nothing. And the car I do have - a discontinued sports car to one day become a classic - is not worth anything to them either apparently.

He is such a fucking bastard sometimes. He says he is sorry that we are in this fucking mess, but it doesn't help one fucking bit. We still owe a shit load of money, and every penny is because of him. Because of him I opened another credit card so I could pay rent. Because of him, we couldn't pay off his credit cards that already existed and now the interest is incredible.

But he doesn't see it this way. He gets defensive. He says that I should have had a full time job when we got married then. It's my fault of course.

I fill up with anger and frustration and all kinds of hatred but I cannot express it fully. The only thing I can do is tell him that I am mad at him for those things. And he says sorry for one second and then changes his course five minutes later.

He fucked up my credit. He fucked up everything related to it. Before we got married, my credit was a beautiful thing. I paid them off in TOTAL every single fucking month. Now I can barely make the minimum payment.

That wonderful car I was talking about? It is incredible. My dream car. But since I have no money, I cannot put anything into it. I need to start thinking of a new car, or if I should put money into this one. Each of those things requires a loan for me. And I can't fucking get one until his fucking bills are paid off.

The ramifications of what he did go deep. Every time I think we are a little better, something else pops up and my anger bubbles over again. Will we ever be rid of his fucking stupidity? Will it ever be officially over? Will I ever be free to mostly forget that he was a fucking crackhead who wasted our money?

I wish he would be grateful for everything I do. I am the one who made the appointment with the bank tomorrow. I am the one going. I am the one who pays the bills every month. I'm the one who keeps track of everything. I am the one who found our new fucking apartment; I am the one who figures out what we need when we go shopping. I am the one who keeps track of the fucking money in our fucking account.

Such a fucking ingrate who fucked up my life.

Sad news

2007-07-27T11:19:00.001-07:00

Chris' mom texted me a little while ago. Chris' beloved dog passed away this morning unexpected. She doesn't really know how. He got sick yesterday, and they were going to take him to the ER vet this morning, but B didn't make it to the truck.

It is completely shocking. Chris' brother E is picking him up from work and is going to tell him then. I am not sure how I feel about this. He will be by himself for about an hour after that and this will be the first time since stopping crack that something bad has happened. I am hoping that he doesn't feel the need to go back to it.

It kind of scares me.

But I am so surprised. I didn't know I would be so emotional about it. I really liked the dog so much. He was so full of energy, and he was monstrous. We have taken him for walks and really enjoyed him.

And when we finally buy our first house, B was going to move in with us. It really is heartbreaking. I can't even imagine how I will be when my own sweet dog passes away.

Background #3

2007-07-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

On New Year's Eve, we had plans to spend our first "Eve" as a married couple. But at 10:45pm, Chris had to go to the bathroom. Embarrassing enough as it is, we were out of toilet paper. We were poor, and didn't make time to run out and get some.

So Chris said he was just going to run to Walgreens right down the road, grab some, and be back here before the big ball dropped. I told him that he never came back on time. He promised he would.

At 11:15pm, I figured he would be back any minute. At 11:30pm, he still wasn't back. I was getting a little anxious, not wanting to miss the big moment with my husband. I called, but big surprise, no answer.

11:45pm, not here. At 11:59, after numerous phone calls, he still wasn't back and I sat and watched a new year begin by myself. Drinking my fake champagne.

Of course, I kept calling and eventually crawled into bed. I worked the next morning and could not wait up forever. The next morning came and he was not there. He still didn't answer. I got ready for work, and on the way there, calling his mom and telling her because I did not know what else to do.

It was typical for him not to come home, as I've noted in past blogs, but it was not typical for him to be gone all night. And since I couldn't keep calling, and since I couldn't go looking, I let his mom know. She asked if he had been home last night. And against my usual nature of protecting him and trying to save face, I said no.

She said thanks for letting her know and she would keep me posted. I worked for awhile and his aunt called my work. We have always had an instant connection - she is crazy and loud like me - and I broke down to her.

I will spare the details, but I ended up leaving early (time and 1/2!!) and stayed at his aunt's for the day. They lived right down the street from where we did so they could constantly drive by and see if his car was there.

After his family showed up there, and my sister did too, his car was in our apartment driveway. His dad dragged him to his aunts, where I refused to come out and he refused to come in.

He claimed he had went to Walgreens but that there was a note on the door saying they would be back in 1/2 an hour. He claims he fell asleep waiting. In the morning, when he woke up, it was because cops were knocking at his window wanting to know what he was doing there. Searching his car, searching him.

I did not believe him, obviously. Walgreens, having a note like that?! Please. Maybe a little Ma-and-Pop store. But Walgreens? And then to be delayed by the cops for what, six hours? Sure.

After awhile of that, he left.

I decided to leave. I was going to stay at my parents. So my sister, and his parents, went back with me to our apartment and as I was going in, he was walking out. We didn't talk, nothing.

I went to my parents. I stayed there for three days. During this time, he would call, he would text, etc.

I can't even tell you how I felt. At first, I was so angry with him lying. I was so mad and so hurt that he did that to me on New Year's and at all! Then I just didn't care. I didn't care what he was saying because I knew it was nothing but lies.

I told myself that if he didn't come in to talk to me (at his aunt's), then I was not talking to him. And if he didn't tell me the truth, the whole truth (and nothing but), I was leaving.

And so I did.

The first day without him was a blur. I was depressed, and so confused. I didn't know what to do. I'm sure my family was also so confused, but that is for another installment of the "Background" series.

On the 2nd day, at night, I wanted to go over and discuss. But at 9pm, he still wasn't answering his phone. My dad, probably more pissed off than me, volunteered to drive to Chris' work and see if his car was there. I said no, it was okay. I waited a little, then told my parents I was going there.

I think they were worried about my safety, being that they already suspected something horrible.

I did the spying wife game, and drove to his work only to see that his car wasn't there. He was at home when I arrived. We talked about what happened, and about didn't happen. He stood by his story, never budging, and I repeatedly asked if he was doing drugs. Over, and over. He denied it to the bottom of his heart. He swore up and down.

Manipulating bastard.

Bored

2007-07-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days I really hate. I am sitting here, staring at the screen, thinking of all these things to write about, but my mood just simply isn't in the place to write.

I am supposed to be working but I have nothing to do, and I am bored out of my mind so I am surfing the Internet. I am also waiting to hear back from my friend and co-worker, S. Her boyfriend is in the hospital and has been since Saturday morning.

Chris and I went and visited Saturday night, but he had a high fever and was drugged up so he slept almost the entire time. No one really knows what is wrong with him. He has an infection that spread to his groin from his foot, and now apparently has a pus-filled sack somewhere. The doctors are deciding to have surgery.

S is quite scared because they "keep finding lumps" and since her boyfriend used to have cancer, any lump is not a good sign. I offer my ear and my shoulder but I am not sure either does any good.

I told her just to say the magic word and I would be there. I am unsure if she is trying to be like me, saying she doesn't want me to come but really screaming for me to; or if when she says no, it's okay, she means it. I will take her at her word for now but if when she calls later she sounds like she needs me, I will go.

I know this posting was short, but like I said, I am not in the mood to discuss more things.

On a lighter note!

2007-07-20T08:22:00.001-07:00

Chris brought me home two presents last night. They are presents with beating hearts, and cute faces, and soft little paws. He brought me home one kitten and one cat!!

Chris and I had talked about getting a little kitten for awhile, but it was never really a "for sure" thing. After all, I would much rather get a puppy, but we can't have dogs in our apartment. Plus, my baby lives with my parents and it breaks my heart. I simply could not share my love for another dog.

He went to a humane society and picked those two out because they were playing together and having fun. It was exciting and scary and new and fun. Their names are Dr. Dre and Quincy Jones, respectively. I found this so humorous. I did not name them! I still find it humorous!

We are changing the name of the kitten from Dr. Dre. As for Quincy, I think I might still call him Jonesy. It's cute. And Quincy is okay. But I don't really want to change his name as he has had it for quite awhile, I'm sure.

However, I am not as excited as I would be. The reason: we have four parakeets. I have never had cats before, never had parakeets before - only dogs. Well, and hamsters and fish. But never birds and cats. They are in totally different categories.

We have had the birds since earlier this year. I have become so fond of them. You can see their little personalities. I am in love with them. And last night, as Jonesy stared up at them in lust, I knew this could never work. Since I have never had these two animals, let alone together, I have no clue what to do.

I don't want to lock the birds in the bedroom all day. They are used to flying about, and sitting on their favorite chair. They own the living room. But now, with these scary predators wandering about, I don't know what to do. Any ideas? Is this even worth trying?

I have read different things to do so that the birds and cats can live peacefully. We will have to see. But I am not comfortable with it in the least!

Background #2

2007-07-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

To my in love, naive, sweet self, I never in a million years expected Chris to be cheating on me with the worst whore there is - drugs. I knew he had flirted with her in the past. I knew he had tasted her and lusted after her, but I thought I had satisfied his needs. I thought he had grown too old and too mature for that kind of "love."

I was wrong.

We went on our honeymoon. It was a mixed bag. It was great; it was awful. It was miserable. One of the days in the middle of the 5 day stay, he found a bag of pot behind a picture on the wall. Funny, looking back on it. His paranoia of flushing it, then throwing out the baggie far away from our room. I understood it originally, but looking back on it shows a completely different reason for his fear.

We got back from our honeymoon on Saturday night. And it went downhill from there. From then, September of 06 to February of this year, he would leave at weird times. He would say he had to go to his parents for something and he would not be back for hours. I would text his brother or his dad, and they would say he hadn't been there for an hour, sometimes not even at all.

We would get in huge fights, huge blowouts over something stupid, and he would leave. Often after a physical fight. Other times, I would grab him, pull him, crying and sobbing. Hanging onto his arm, his sweatshirt as he headed down the stairs. I would sit at the top of them, tears streaming down my face, screaming for him to come back. That we shouldn't leave like this. That we should work things out. That we shouldn't have fights like this. That he promised he wouldn't leave me during a fight anymore.

I would scream his name, sobs in my throat, even after the apartment door was closed. Futile efforts. For what seemed like a futile relationship.

Some days, most days, he would text me saying he had to work late. Late meant, not 5, not 6, but 11 or even 1am.

I am not stupid. I knew he was not working. But it was so much easier to live in the easy ignorance. The ignorance that is really knowledge, but fear of having to deal with it. Of having my marriage end at the age of 22.

I would spend hours making elaborate, beautiful, delicious dinners. I would spend money from our dwindling bank account to buy the ingredients. I would wait for him until 8 or 9pm before I would eat myself. And then his portion would sit on the stove, in the cold stove, in the microwave, in the fridge, until he got home. I would eat these meals of chicken and mashed potatoes and bread by myself in front of the TV.

I would go to bed at 12am. I would go to bed at 1am, by myself. Three nights a week. Sometimes more. At first, it was hard. It was so hard. I could barely sleep. I had so much anxiety. My stomach was in knots.

But after awhile though, I got used to going to bed by myself. I got used to turning off the lights (it didn't make it any less scarier), got used to climbing into bed. I got used to tucking myself in, and used to calling him incessantly, hoping, daring him to answer. I got used to praying myself to sleep.

I often woke up at 3 in the morning to pee, and would hear a key turning in the lock. He would make his way upstairs. Always with a different excuse.

I tried so many things. Ignoring him, ignoring his apologies. Slapping him straight across the face. Hard. Breaking down into more waterfalls.

Nothing changed. I thought it would. I thought whatever he was doing, whatever he wasn't doing - if there was a remote possibility he was at work - he would see my pain and my anger and my sadness and my complete loss of anything close to respect and happiness and he would change it. He would do something to make it right.

He didn't.

Expectations

2007-07-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

They seem to be on everyone's mind lately. It's interesting - how I was all ready to write about them, yet The Junkys Wife seems to have beat me to it. It's funny how sometimes we, and others, seem to go through almost the same things at very similar times.

It seems Chris lied to me. About money. How surprising. Heaven forbid I start to trust him. Or get expectations. That is exactly what has happened.

Things were going so well. But I had to be my normal self, checking up on him, checking on the bank records.

To start with, I asked to see his check stubs. I want to see just how much he is bringing in so we can start to pay off his long, monstrous credit card debts. Yet, debt with an S. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

He said he doesn't know where it is. He said it is in his car somewhere, but he's not sure where. He has to find it, however, because his PO needs to see it tomorrow. Well, he didn't find it. I asked if he took any money out of his last check instead of simply depositing the whole thing. No, he stated, he put the entire thing in.

Perhaps some would call it spying. Some would call it snooping. I call it being smart. Being wise after being screwed over.

He took money out of his last check and even more out of the check before that. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. My sister has just been over and we had just been talking about how good he was doing, and how I needed to give him little things so he could continue to show me that he was being trustworthy. And then that.

The fight was horrible. He said sorry, but that really meant nothing. It doesn't take back the fact that he took money without even discussing it, and the worst part is he lied right to my face. I didn't even have one little clue, after all these months of lies, that he was lying right to me.

The apology meant nothing. It usually doesn't. I was hurt. I left. I went to my friend's.

To get to my point, I started to ponder my expectations. Are they too high? Am I setting myself up, and everyone around me, to fail? I realized that Chris isn't the only one that I have expectations for. I put them on everyone.

It's inevitable that at some point someone will let me down. At some point, Chris will let me down.

But then how do I not have expectations at all? It's a tricky place. It's so hard, impossible I think!, not to have expectations. At some point, one will come up. Without expectations, wouldn't it be to simply not care?

And shouldn't I have expectations for my recovering crack addict? Without them, he cannot strive to get what we do not have. Without the expectations, he cannot possibly earn my trust. Shouldn't he have expectations put on him?

I think I need to have them for him so that I know that he will one day live up to them. And I really don't think that being honest about money or checks or any of that is that hard of an expectation to live up to.

Of course, I feel like I could say much more on this, but I am dreadfully tired. I don't really know what the answer is. I don't know how to not have expectations, and I don't know how to not be saddened when Chris does not live up to them. I'm stuck.

Interlude #2 (The affair)

2007-07-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

After he proposed in December, things were going great. We were excited and anticipant (word?) of the upcoming wedding date we had set. Our minds, or at least mine, was in a flurry over plans and things to be done.

It seemed to go so slow. Little did I know that in March, Chris started doing crack cocaine. And at the end of March, he was arrested with his first (and only) DUI. Needless to say, while this angered and confused me, I stayed with him. And looking back on this, I am sure the majority of it was because I was so freakin' excited over getting married. I didn't stop to think about the future, the real future.

I did not know he was doing drugs during this time. He was acting the same as he had before he started and things were still going well.

During this time, I started a relationship with M. We had been best friends for 3 years and embarked, without planning to, into a romantic relationship. I could not stop it. I did not want to stop it. I was in love with M. There was no one else I had connected this deep with.

I cannot explain the passion I felt, or the passion we had towards each other. But because of my parents and their strict religious viewpoints, and because of my deep founded respect (and co-dependence) for them, I told M that I was going to marry Chris.

Don't get me wrong. I loved Chris. I loved him so much. But he did not make me as happy as M did. M could not promise me forever. And even if there was that promise, I don't know if I could have been able to live that way. To possibly lose my family.

So now, looking back, I am filled with even more questions. Did I make the wrong decision? My husband was addicted to crack cocaine even then. If I had known that, would I have dropped him all together?

There are days though, more often than not, that I am very happy that I chose Chris. That I am forging ahead with him as my life partner. We have great times. We have horrible times. But in the end, I am happy I chose him.

And after the conversation with M yesterday, I learned that had I chosen differently, I would have chosen wrong. Chris is mine. I am his.

This affair is one of my saddest and happiest moments. Great memories, but a guilt I hold looking back at our engagement. M and I broke it off the day I got married. Our future was finalized then. M called when I got back from the honeymoon, but things were not the same.

And since then, we have talked probably a total of two or three times. For birthdays mostly.

I miss M. And it's hard to let go of the past. Of good memories and bad ones. But I have to. I am growing happier and more content each day.

I am rambling. I will start over.

Clinging to the past

2007-07-15T17:57:00.001-07:00

I talked to that other lover tonight. M will be the initial I shall use. M updated me on life, on family, on relationships. And I found out M is completely and entirely over me, even with some regrets concerning me.

This made me realize so much how I have been clinging to the past. How I have been wishing that I had chosen M, how I have been living in sadness in regards to the life I chose with Chris. M told me that there are never thoughts about it anymore and that I made the best decision. For M, at least.

That broke my heart. I don't want to be the only one wondering. But I realized that, like I said, I have been clinging to the past. It's time to let go. M does not want me. And why should that be bad? I should be happy that M has someone who brings happiness.

I am happy sometimes. And I can't go back. I can't get M back. And even if I could, M does not want me. I need to move on. I need to let go. I need to let go of Chris' crack addiction. I need to be happy.

And I can't start being happy until I let go.

Interlude #1

2007-07-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting - reading my own background. Funny how that works, isn't it? Seeing how even when I was 16-years-old, a child!, I ignored my gut about this guy who lied. It's interesting to me now, that the same gut feeling I had back then, I have even now.

I am not saying I made a mistake. I am not saying I didn't make a mistake. I just find it so fascinating that I had all these clues right in front of me, even back then, that he was not the man he said he was, and I ignored it because I loved him. I let them all slip by.

What is it about me, I wonder?

I feel this part of the story may be somewhat important, as I was reflecting on it earlier today. Right before Chris and I broke up, I met a guy whom I had known briefly at the two-year university.

During this time, before Chris and I ended, he became a very good friend. We took the bus to the school to save gas, and we talked on the way there every day. When Chris and I were done, he became one of my best friends. We would talk nightly, on the bus, and other times as well. He was completely the rebound guy in every sense of the word.

He was beautiful, intelligent, caring, sensitive - he was an amazing man. About three months after the split, this man (W) and I started dating. At first, it was great. I had never dated anyone besides Chris, nonetheless anyone like W.

We had fun all the time. It was never boring. We fit perfectly into each other's lives. He was very family-oriented, as am I. I loved his family; I loved his house. We would spend hours just walking and talking. His sister and I became great friends.

I was so comfortable around him. I am not the kind of person who falls asleep during movies. It is impossible. But I would fall asleep in his arms, and would not wake up until 3 in the morning. My parents never had any qualms or concerns with me getting home at 4am. I loved this. They loved W. They had no reason to doubt him or his sincerity or his honesty. They knew he was a great guy. It was refreshing.

But soon, when stupid little fights occurred, (nothing big could happen that early on!) I would call him "Chris" or insult him with something in regards to Chris. I knew this was completely wrong, and hurtful, but I did it anyways. Kind of as a protection to myself.

I thought about Chris sometimes. Not frequently though; and it certainly bothered W when Chris started his texting and calling. I can see and understand why completely.

Towards the end of W's and my relationship, I started doubting whether I wanted to be with W instead of Chris. W knew this. We talked about everything. And eventually, he broke it off. It was amicable - I agreed it was the right decision - but hurt feelings still remained.

Funny, now that I look back on it.

Do I crave drama? Can I not survive without it? Am I a co-dependent with drama issues? I think I am. And of course, he had nothing for me to fix. He was just the kind of man a normal woman is looking for. A normal, non-co-dependent woman. Unfortunately for me, and however fortunate for him, he had no issues that I could find.

The ones I could find could be easily fixed. And my heart belonged to someone else.

It makes me sad to think about what could have been. The memories give me good thoughts, but it still makes me sad. He was a great person and I did not treat him as such.

That was one little interlude. I debated whether or not it was important, or whether or not to share it, but as I wrote it, I can see that it really did play a big part.

Background #1

2007-07-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today, surprisingly, I have nothing new to write about. So I am going to take this time to give you a little background on me and Chris.

I am sure the majority of the information that is important is the time when he was doing, and addicted, and I found out about the crack cocaine. But I feel that the entire story of us is important. Don't worry - I will not bore you with the boring details, or information I do not wish to share.

Chris and I met junior year of high school. I was 16. He was 17. He was the new guy at school, and beautiful. Lots of girls wanted him. He was the "bad boy." Long hair, baggy clothes, tall. In short, the druggie. That was so appealing to me because I was this good girl. I had a thing for bad boys.

Through a series of events, we started dating. It was a tumultuous relationship, sort of like now. The trust went out the window soon after we started dating, which should have been a huge sign.

He got into trouble with the law (shocker) for drugs (another shocker). He lied about it, at least I think he did, and never came clean. It was one incident after another, but I was crazy about him. He sparked something inside me. I didn't think I would feel that way about anyone ever again.

We graduated high school and I went off to a two-year community college while he went to tech school. Near the end of this time, he got a job in a factory, putting in long hours on second shift. He only had one day free to see me.

I had just started attending a 4-year university. My time was limited as well. I attended day and night classes, and worked. I was twenty.

After a couple weeks of falling asleep during movies, and being late to come over because he was sleeping, I had come to the end of my rope. One particular Sunday, he was invited over to have dinner with my family. It was a big thing to me - Sunday dinner always was, and this was even bigger because my sister's boyfriend was invited too. The time came and went with no call from him.

Two hours after dinner, he called, sounding like he had just woken up. Needless to say, I was livid. I gave him two weeks to come to his senses. We were on a break.

After two weeks, we broke up. We were broken up for 8 months, during which time I pursued another interest and generally had a good time. However, I missed him; I cried; it was hard.

After those 8 months, and repeated attempts at contacting me, we hung out one night. We hung out for awhile after that, and then got back together. I saw a definite change in him. He cared more. He was over a lot. He was like a new person.

Three months after we got back together, he proposed.

I am going to take a break in the story now. After this, the details became busy. The lies become more frequent. And my energy isn't up for it this morning, at least not yet.

Migraines & Marriages

2007-07-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

Last night was a kind of awakening night for me. I am one of those people who are afflicted with migraines. And last night was one of those lovely nights. I stupidly did not take any medicine on the onset of it, and was left with a throbbing so painful I could barely close my eyes to sleep.

Chris and I fought a little which did not help, but as I lay there, my mind running over everything - running over the excruciating pain as well, I started to feel something. All these fights, all the little bitter, bickering arguments that amount to nothing but useless and stress - are pointless. They get us no where. And I don't care to do it anymore.

Pick my battles - that's what's important. And I don't care to be so petty, so trivial, and so immature. Yes, I am angry and yes, I am bitter. But I am not going to let that affect me in every area any more. I am going to work on that, much harder than in the past.

I am sick of fighting over such stupid stuff. Actually, I am sick of fighting in general! But I am, from now on, going to keep up the mantra "Not my bucket of sh*t." And "Pick my battles."

I am done being that way. And to add another goal to the pile, I am going to really start being happy with me. I am completely happy with me normally, but I am going to get my life the way I want it. And I know I am going to be content and happy with my life if Chris and I don't work out.

So this morning, I apologized for my part in the argument last night. I never apologize. But I did. And I am glad I did. We are on the right path. And while my migraine is still hiding behind the wall of Excedrin this afternoon, ready to spring, I know I can handle it.

Weight & Water

2007-07-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, we went swimming every day, and some days before, and I actually lost two pounds! How is that possible in only 4 days? I am sure it is unhealthy. Either way, no need to get excited for me because I have put those two pounds right back on. I think it is pointless to try to lose weight anymore.

My goal was to be back to my normal weight by the end of June. Well that has come and gone and nothing has changed. I am maintaining my weight. It is neither going up or down. Actually, on occasion it does go down, but nothing significant. Either way, I felt good enough to go swimming.

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I can be watching TV and a commercial will come on and the ocean will be sprawled across the screen. Of course it is clear water, white sand, palm trees gently waving in the wind, the sun beautiful behind the whole picture. It would never be the ocean that you can't see to the bottom of or a shark looming near by. It is complete serenity. And when I see that, my whole body literally yearns to be in the water, to feel the swooshing of the waves against my body.

Usually, the feeling passes but sometimes I have to gulp down some water. Maybe I'm dehydrated? Either way, I feel better after that.

The point is - water is an incredible thing. Either around you or in you. Just feeling it go down your throat is amazing. And being in it! You feel light, you feel clean, refreshed.

Perhaps the point of this blog was to waste time at work. Hah. But I really do like water. There is nothing that quenches quite like water.

Nar-Anon/Al-Anon

2007-07-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

This is something I very much would like to try. I would love to know I have the support of other people going through the same thing, in my own area. I have looked into it - I did a long time ago actually. However, the closest Nar-Anon meeting is in the city - not a close drive - and not in a very safe part of the city at that.

Perhaps one day I will take my friend, whose boyfriend has addict problems as well, to a meeting.

As for Al-Anon, I have not looked into that because everything I have read about it states that it is for those who are close with someone who is an alcoholic. Not a crack addict. But maybe I will give that a chance.

I did go to a couple meetings at my church. Apparently it's a national (maybe world-wide?) group, like Nar-Anon, yet sadly at this moment I can't remember what it was called. Either way, it was decent, but it was incredibly small.

I was the only one who was there for a loved one - not for them being an addict. The structure was not laid out in a typical manner because it was a Christian organization. But talking to Chris, it seems like the same thing just different methods. Just different higher powers.

I was not that fond of it. I can read the Bible at home. Also, when you wanted to talk about things going on, or feelings you were having, there seemed to be a time table to stick to. You couldn't talk for long periods of time because you had to follow the structure of the program. It seems to me though, that if I was going there, I wanted to talk. I wanted to vent; I wanted to listen to other people as well. And that time was limited.

I would like to get involved with some kind of support meeting. It is just a matter of finding one that is close, makes sense, and gives me something out of it.

Breaking the rules

2007-07-07T09:21:00.001-07:00

We went out with friend last night. We went to a comedy club in the city. Oh, how I love the city. I call it the city because it is way more massive than the suburb I live in. I love the people going about their business, so many people, so many things to watch! I love everything about it. I love the energy and I love how it is never dead.

So Chris broke all the rules of probation last night. Okay, not quite all of them. But we did go to two bars, where he hesitantly drank 4? bottles of beer. Not much, but still. He then proceeded to smoke quite a few cigarettes, something he proclaims that he does not do "normally." We then all squeezed into a Chevy Cavalier, 5 of us that is, and proceeded to drive further into the city, everyone but me having no license. And I don't mean, "Whoops! They forgot it!" I mean, they literally do not HAVE a license. Chris technically does, but any contact with police, especially after those beers, would be trouble.

So how many rules were broken? I count three, and my own personal rule #4. I hate smoking. Don't smoke. And he did.

So I really don't know how I feel about these rule breakings. I made him come with me to the bar. And I'm sure I totally made him drink by telling him it was okay; his probation officer meeting isn't for two weeks. And I don't see the problem, really. It's not like we were shooting heroin or smoking crack. It was a couple beers, and I don't care. But should I be enforcing, enabling, agreeing, with this behavior? Should I say it's okay to drink when in reality he should not be drinking for the next 18 months?

I'm sure this all comes back to my own personal vendetta against the PO. "She doesn't own me. She can't run my life. I'll go to a fricken bar if I want to go to one!" So I do. And I make Chris go with. And I make him drink. And I think he should be able to. I mean, how fun is it to leave your husband at home when you're going out?

So should I be promoting and encouraging this lying behavior? Am I feeding the flames? Or should I enforce the strict rules of the PO?

Am I reading into this, digging too deep, making more out of it than it is?

Secrets

2007-07-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

I guess the popular topic of the past few days for me has been friends.

One of my best friends, someone I have discussed before -Amber - , has decided to share some of my life to our mutual friends. I was pretty upset about this last night, but I have since calmed down a little.

We went to high school together and hang out with a group of guys. We are all friends, but I only see the guys once every two months or so, if that. She told me last night that she told them about Chris. I am not sure how much detail she went into but they now know that he was "in trouble with the law" regarding "drugs." I know this is vague, but it did upset me.

Amber said it's a good thing for people to know. But isn't that up to my discretion? I have always known that she is a very poor secret keeper, but I trusted her with one of the biggest and most important events thus far in my life. It hurt me because I would like to be the one to choose who knows about this.

I realize they are my friends as well, but it was hard enough telling her, telling anyone! for that matter, and it should be up to me who knows about this. It is embarrassing to me. I know it is not my fault, but it is embarrassing nonetheless.

I am trying to protect Chris partly, but mostly, I am trying to establish that I told her so many times not to tell anyone about my husband being a crack addict. I told her to keep it between us. I told her it was private.

It's so hard to know who to trust in life, and perhaps that is my issue all along. That is why I don't tell people stuff, I know that. But I chose to tell her. However stupid that may be. And I trusted her to keep it between us.

Apparently, no one these days views privacy, friendships, and respect the way I do.

Civilized Women

2007-07-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

I guess I should just prepare myself for a fight pretty much once a week. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean huge, blow-up, out-and-out brawls. Like tonight.

It always starts with something so stupid. He didn't pick up some stuff in our apartment. I don't see why not. We just moved here. There is tons to do. And he was home 3 hours before me but he always has some stupid excuse.

I am too tired to expand, too exhausted, but it escalated (like normal) into a shouting and pushing match. Eventually, I told him to leave. And he did.

I just don't understand. How hard is it to just help me out? Just start putting things away. Just go downstairs to storage and put some fucking boxes away.

I have a found a new friend though. One I have mentioned a couple times. She works with me and has become my best friend. She goes though quite the same things as me and we are able to talk and vent at work and on the phone. We talk often. So tonight, I went over to her house.

We sat on her back patio and drank wine, like two civilized adult women, without a care in the world. Like two civilized adult women talking about our boring mundane lives. Funny, our conversations revolving around our addict men, our lovers who can't get their act together. Funny how our "civilized" talks are about so much more than what we should ever have to deal with.

I can't even be more grateful for what I have found in her. She has been my confidant, my friend, someone I can turn to with everything. It is so hard and so rare to find someone that you can talk to about your life without fear of being judged. I am going to cherish it and not take it for granted. Friends are hard to find. Good friends. I will not be quick to let her go. I feel fortunate to have someone like her around.

Have a good 4th, bloggers.

Co-dependence

2007-07-03T07:20:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know. Another post! Two in one day!!

When I go to bed at night, I am like many other people. I cannot turn off my brain. Things I have to do run through, my mind thinks up the strangest ideas, and I seem to focus on interesting viewpoints of my life. And last night, there was no exception.

I was thinking about the blog situation as I layed in bed last night. I was thinking about the sick little game I play. The game is simple. To me, at least. I pride myself in being strong. In being brave, in being independent, in being able to handle anything.

I thought last night about myself, how strange I am. I crave Chris' attention, I crave his acceptance. I want him to be okay, to like, to love, everything I do at all times. If I want to work out, if I want to get back down to a size 2 like I was before he kept me up all night being gone, if I want to have a blog, if I want to make dinner, if I want to shower - I want him to adore everything I do. And at the same time, if he is annoyed or thinks I am stupid or doesn't agree with what I want, I say I don't care. I act like I don't care.

In reality, (come on, we all know reality!!), I am screaming out for his approval. Approval. Of me.

Let's get the facts straight. He is a druggie. A junkie. A crack addict. A man who is screwed me over so many times in the past, yet I want his fricken' approval. I want him to validate me.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I want everyone's approval which is a real freakin' let down. I am not supposed to be this way. This is a real eye-opener. I am actually admitting this out loud.

People's blogs I read, they all write about co-dependence. And all the while I was thinking, well lucky for me, I'm not that! So I did a little lesson today. I looked up co-dependence.

The facts, the characteristics, shocked me. I stopped reading half way down the list. Here they are:

Positive feelings about themselves stem from being liked and accepted by others.
Mental attention is focused on solving the problems of others or relieving their pain, and when these goals are accomplished, their self-esteem rises.
Co-dependents tend to personalize all that happens around them, seeing everything as being directly related to them.
Unless they are externally validated, they have difficulty trusting their own perceptions.
Significant others' clothing, personal appearance and behavior are dictated by the co-dependent, as he or she feels that the significant other is a reflection of him or her.
Co-dependents have unrealistic expectations of themselves, are unable to accept their own limitations, and use control and manipulation to avoid facing reality.
They view themselves as failures when they cannot control everything or meet everyone's expectations.
They fear rejection and abandonment, so they feel they must be involved and needed in every aspect of the lives of others. Not to be involved and needed equals abandonment.
Co-dependents are not aware of how they feel; they are aware of how others feel. Co-dependents are not aware of what they want; they ask what others want. If they are not aware, they assume.
Social circles diminish as they become more involved in their disease.

Just looking at this makes me want to scream. I could give an example for every single bullet point. I am co-dependent! I am sure tomorrow I will look at this and justify it. Hell, it could be later today! Either way, I hate admitting this.

Probably why I am a social worker. So I relieve people's pain.

But the flip side is, perhaps that's why I can't lose weight. Perhaps I am doomed to never be a size 2 again. Because I have an unrealistic expectation of myself. And because I am unable to accept my own limitations. I should be okay. I should swallow my sadness and throw out my cute skirts and shorts and be proud of my slightly larger body. Right?

Easier said than done.

Sharing

2007-07-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

It's interesting. My previous post, "Back Story", came up quite a bit for me last night and this morning already, and it's only 8:30am!

Chris and I sat down last night, before bed, and hooked up the Ethernet cable at our new place. I wanted to come to my blog, so the computer slowly, (oh, so slowly!) took me there. Chris looked over at saw.

"Married to an Addict," he said. So matter-of-factly. I felt a mix of emotion. The kind where I so desperately wanted to show him, which brought up a whole 'nother bag of issues to deal with later, and the kind where I wanted to keep it to myself.

He read some of the title entries on the "posts" page. I read him The Junkys Wife Nicole Richie entry. I felt it fit perfectly for him - being a crazy crackhead and all.

He said I should read one I wrote, so I read one - a safe one of course.

It was the after feeling I completely hated. I wished so much that I hadn't read it to him. I wished that it was just mine. That is another issue with me. I hate sharing. That probably explains why I am so secretive, but I hate sharing anything in my life that I view as mine.

I don't mean crackers or a candy bar or money. I mean, if I view something as valuable to me, close to my heart, something personal and wonderful and only something I can understand, I do not want to share it. I feel like a little piece of me dies. Like a little piece of me is taken away when I share something, when I give up something.

I instantly regretted it. This something was mine. It was mine to share my life, to vent about the very man I was reading a post to. He would never understand its meaning to me. Even I don't fully understand its meaning to me!

Chris had known that I had a blog. He knew it was about him, our life, his addiction. And he didn't seem mad. He wasn't mad.

Maybe my problem with sharing comes from the fact that if I share, I let someone in. And if I let someone in, I have to deal with possibility of being hurt.

Too early in the morning for this.

Back Story

2007-07-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

There are some parts of my life that I keep to myself. That is the strange thing about me, I think. Perhaps lots of people are like this?

I am so outgoing. I am friendly, I am loud - not to the point of obnoxiousness, though I'm sure some would beg to differ - but I am loud. I am a generous, kind, nice person. But I am also extremely withdrawn. It is a weird trait to have, I think. I can be friends with you for years upon years, and yet you will know absolutely nothing significant about me.

It can take years to get to know me. I keep things so bottled up. I am sure other people are like this, but it is sad when I think about it. How shut down I really am. People I talk to and laugh with really do not know me.

One friend I had, she said to me more than once, "Why don't you let me in? Why don't you talk to me, or tell me anything?" I was closer to this friend, closer to her than anyone I have ever been in a relationship with. And that really struck me. I thought I was being open with her. At the time, I was thinking that I told her everything. And I did tell her so much. But some things I just didn't tell anyone. No one could be trusted.

I think she didn't realize how much of me she knew. But I pick and choose. I pick what people need to know. I pick what people need to understand and learn about me. I feel that this is an advantage for me. In reality, this is probably a hinderance.

If people knew the back story of me, they would surely understand why I am the way I am. They would see what shaped me.

Even here, on this blog, in the world of anonymous, I keep things private. I am either ashamed, embarrassed, or anything else about the things in my life.

This little confessional started by reading The Junkys Wife post about Seroquel. It reminded me of the problems I had weening off of a prescription drug I took. I wanted to write about it. Then I thought, "Then I'll have to share why I took it. Which will lead to the background of that."

Perhaps the point of this is that I realize more about myself the more I write. Don't get me wrong - I know I am the hardest person to get to know. But I learn a little more when I write. It's like little revelations each day.

A Quickie

2007-07-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

No, not sex, silly!! We are finally in our new apartment - after a long and heavy Saturday. Today, we wasted a hundred bucks at Wal-Mart, a store I hate more than anything ever, and continued to try to unpack through the downpour of boxes.

I am not fully used to the whole new apartment thing. I kind of feel like we are living in a cabin and hotel. We have a balcony that we are grilling out on tonight, but the whole feel of the apartment is nothing like our old one. Our old one was an old Victorian, complete with the slanted ceilings, surrounded by windows. Covered in dust.

But now I have internet access!

I will write more tomorrow! Dinner is served!!

PO Last Night

2007-06-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

I told you I would update you on the PO meeting yesterday. Well, there is nothing to update. She couldn't find our house apparently, and Chris doesn't answer numbers that are restricted or unrecognized. So he didn't answer her call. He did call back and she returned his call later on that night, and their next meeting is scheduled for July 18th. I'm hoping that since it is so far away, she doesn't suspect him of doing drugs or at least doesn't seem him as one of her problem "clients".

So there is nothing really to report on that front. That's probably a good thing, thought I had gotten myself all mentally prepared to meet her to no avail. Oh well. Some other time.

She said she hasn't checked yet on the results of his mailed in drug test. Weird, right? I'm not quite sure why she hasn't looked. I'll assume all is well.

Work is calling!

Paris Hilton

2007-06-28T06:48:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know. Against my better judgment, and perhaps against all sound mind, I watched her last night on Larry King Live.

I have mixed feelings about the entire situation with Ms. Hilton. She is fascinating to me, but then again, most celebrities are. And I am quite fed up about the news coverage she received while her sentencing and jail time went on. But my mixed feelings come in to play about her jail situation.

There are the two sides of course - the crime did not fit the punishment, and vice versa. And I went back and forth on them. I still haven't fully made up my mind, as if I think about this all day. But the thing that was interesting was listening to her.

She talked about how this was such a traumatic experience and that she learned and grew and found herself in the midst of all of it. For awhile, I could believe her. I am sure for anyone it would be hard, but can you imagine the lifestyle she is accustomed to? Most people know nothing of it. All that glamour, all the money you can spend - it's impossible to fathom!

And then being ripped from that and put in a jail cell. I am sure it was quite hard. I know it would be for me and I am not even close to the amount of wealth she is.

But it's 3 weeks. 3 weeks. It really is not that long. And yes, that doesn't make it any more fun, but people spend years upon years locked up. And I got annoyed.

Then she talked about how she just considered herself a normal person. How she was just a normal girl. She talked about how she just learned so much, going through this. And that is when my bitterness poked out its ugly head.

Seriously now, Paris. You are not normal. You are so not normal. You live in a fricken' castle. And learning so much? What will you change now? I highly doubt anything.

I wanted her to walk in my shoes. To walk in my crack addict's wife too-big shoes. To walk in The Junkys Wife shoes. To walk in MPJ's shoes. To walk in anyone's shoes that has been living and loving an addict.

But that is life. That is how the cookie crumbles. She was handed her life on a platinum platter. And who knows what she has been through. Those sex tapes surfacing may have scarred her for life. Who knows.

Weighty-ness

2007-06-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time with my weight lately. It seems to be going up and down. Only by a couple pounds, but for those of you who have read earlier posts regarding my weight, you know that I was so excited to be down one pound!

I am not up any further than I was before; in fact, I am not even up as high as I was before which is not really high at all. I am just very down about it because it is so hot out and I can't fit into my clothes that I wore just one short year ago. My goal was that by the end of June I would be down to my goal, fitting in my shorts, but I am not even close.

It is a huge disappointment. I knew I would fail though because my boss consistently and constantly buys lunches for us nearly every day. Fattening, greasy, delicious lunches. I can't resist.

I have tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. I am not fat! I am cute. I am still little. Not as little as before though, is what I keep hearing. Chris still wants me. I'm not unhealthy. That should be all that matters, right? That's what I tell myself. I repeat it to myself.

I walk every night, and did sit-ups every night. I stopped that when Chris wasn't home one night, and since then I haven't picked it back up. I guess it really doesn't matter because while I may have been getting muscle tone from it, I wasn't losing weight. And I wasn't fitting in my shorts.

It doesn't help. I just want to fit into my shorts. That's all. Why won't it happen?!

We Will See

2007-06-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

The PO is coming today for a house visit. Part of me wants to be there to meet this lady who is going to be running my life for the next 18 months, and the other part wants nothing to do with her. With my luck, I will think she will be gone by the time I get home, and she won't have even arrived yet.

It will be interesting to see what she does. I was talking to my dad about this yesterday - about how some of these people get on massive power trips. She already said to us that "she guesses" she will "let" us move because of our "situation." And what situation would that be, lady?

Power trips are never a good thing in authorities of the law. My dad, and come to think of it, my mom, threw in then how I was a social worker and might get on a power trip of my own one day. Maybe. The fact is that I hate that I have to change my lifestyle for Chris now. My parents constantly remind me that I married him. That it is what I have to do. In reality though, I don't have to. I can keep all the booze I want around the house. Wouldn't bode well for him, but as I read so often, "not my bucket of shit."

Somehow I am on this mindset of wanting to tell this lady that my record is crystal. That I am a good girl. Well, mostly. But everyone knows that will get us no where. Embarrassingly enough, I carted all my bottles of alcohol (not that big of a drinker!) to my parents so Chris wouldn't get in trouble. Now is that love or what?

She will be there at the end of the day today so we'll see what happens.

No, I still have not heard about Chris' strange drug test issue, but I am hoping and thinking that if it were positive, he would have certainly received a phone call unless she plans on telling him today. Don't quite know what to think about that. But, like always, we will see.

Memory

2007-06-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling kind of down right now. I was reading MPJ's blog, and I read one about she had entitled My Past: The Cast. One of the entries was so startingly like my life, that I felt about to cry and immediately sunk down into memory land. I refer to it as "sinking down" because there is nothing up about it. At least not yet. Maybe after years and years of memory repression - purposeful memory repression - I will move on from the pain and heartbreak of past mistakes, but for now, I am wallowing it and can't seem to move out.

I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy.

My Prize

2007-06-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

It's funny how the smallest, weirdest little things can make you smile. I was reading The Junkys Wife today, and saw that I was Rockin' Blogger Girl to her. It made me smile, reading that we should meet for coffee and that we could talk for hours and hours. I agree. It put a smile on my face to know that someone who has never even met me thought about me and the similarity of our situation and has empathy.

So thank you, Junkys Wife, for the great prize! I shall wear it proudly!

Grow up.

2007-06-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel like a babysitter majority of the time? I feel like I am simply an underpaid nanny, telling the children what to do. "Brush your teeth, take a shower, take out the trash, clean the bird cage, vacuum up their poop, turn off your game, etc., etc."

All I want is someone who is a grown adult! It really is not that hard, I don't think. I just want someone, or more specifically, him!!, to act like a grown up. I really don't like having to yell at him or having to tell him how to take care of himself. I want him to do it on his own.

Perhaps it is just all the stress of moving that is causing me to want to punch him in his face. It's this Saturday and while we have a lot done, we don't really have that much done. It's hard to calculate what we need or don't need for the week. I don't want to pack stuff away and then need it five minutes later.

I am also annoyed because I don't know when we are actually getting in to our new place. Sometime before July 5th is the best I know. That sucks! I work too much to play these guessing games. I simply want to know a day, even if it is July 5th, so I can plan accordingly and know how this moving crap is going to work out.

The good thing about it is free cable and free Internet. I can finally get on the computer at home and not do it only at work!

I am hoping moving in there will be like a whole new start for us. New place, new neighbors, new location, just a new start with everything. I am hoping things will be better now. Maybe then I won't be a babysitter. I guess we'll see.

This blog entry certainly was all over the place! I am sure you get my drift. I am sick of babysitting a grown man. Get your act together. Know when to shave, when to shower, when to brush. It's a huge turn off. I should probably just stop telling him what to do and hope he realizes that he needs to grow up.

PO Side Note

2007-06-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where I want to write all day, but I can't get my thoughts together. So I will just write that I am still alive, yes, and that I really have much to say but once I get my thoughts together I will come back. Nothing new or exciting has happened.

Same old fights about the same old things. Except, yesterday, I actually felt like his PO is in charge of and dictating my life now. For the next 18 months. And I want to agree The Junkys Wife when she says it's not my bucket of shit. But I cannot fully. Because it has become mine. And that is because I married the junkie.

I wish I had known. And really, what would I have changed?

PO #1

2007-06-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Chris went to see his probation officer for the first time today. He said he was drug tested and there were five lines on it. He said he tested negative for four, and one came up as unknown.

He said he "freakin' the 'f' out." I acted like it didn't matter. I acted like I didn't care. Like I knew it would happen, like I knew he couldn't stay clean. He said he hasn't done anything and that he had no clue why it was unknown. He said his PO sent it to a lab and would find out.

He's worried about going to prison.

I was a bitch. I acted like I didn't care. I didn't want to act vulnerable. I didn't want to act scared. I didn't want to act like I gave a shit because then I would have to care later.

In reality, I am freaked out. I don't know. I just, I don't. He has acted so clean. In my mind, I think he is. He is home all the time. He is reliable. He has passed every other drug test. He answers his phone. He is like a completely different person. So how could he be doing drugs?

My new found friend tells me that he will get three chances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Chris told me that one "f" up and he is going away for a year if the judge says so. I don't know if I can believe that either.

What could that unknown mean? Could he be doing something behind my back? Or wouldn't that come up as positive then? Could it be a stupid glitch? Could Chris fall victim to the "false-positive" world of being sent away as an innocent?

I am freaking out too. I believe he is innocent. But when will we find out the results of the test? I thought things were getting better. I really hope that he will not be sent to jail, just like that. But he said his PO said that he might be "sitting in county for awhile" if he is lying about not doing anything.

Deep breath. This is not what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to come up clean. He was supposed to be able to go to Florida with me. It was supposed to be like visiting his fairy godmother. But it's not.

That lover

2007-06-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about that lover today. The one that was everything to me for so long. The one I would have given my heart to had I not been so afraid of others.

I haven't talked to this lover in months. The last time we talked was around my birthday, two months ago today. Perhaps that is where this sudden nostalgia is coming from. I read something about this person today. Back in college. I smiled when I read it, not even a smile of evilness or a smile of secret happiness over their plight of dropping out and finding nothing that satisfies them.

I smiled because I was glad that they are back in school. But sadness overwhelmed me quickly thereafter. My best friend - my one - is back in school and I had to read about it to find out. No talking about it, no helping make that decision.

My ex-lover is in a relationship now too. I wonder if this new person satisfies mine in the way I did. I wonder if " the new" makes my lover shake in ecstasy. I wonder if my lover thinks of me at all. If I am ever on the forefront of their mind. I wonder if I mean as much to my lover as they mean to me, still.

Its hardly ever like this now. I am content and happy, mostly, with the life I chose to live. With the person I chose to spend my life with. But sometimes the days are harder than others; sometimes I miss my ex more than I have ever missed anything or anyone in life. Sometimes I wish I could take back the last 10 months and just be with this person.

The story may not be over. But I made my choice. I will always wonder what could have been. Could I have been truly happy? Could I have made them truly happy? Could we have lived, just the two of us, committed, for the rest of our lives, or would my ex stray, not being satisfied with only me?

Only one person knows of this. Only one person knows of me and my ex. But no one will ever fathom quite the way it was. I miss our life then so much, so often. But things are different now.

And honestly, I am happy. The memories aren't so poignant anymore. And I live my life with Chris, however many lies fill it, knowing he is mine. My only.

"August to February"

2007-06-19T07:18:00.001-07:00

It came up again last night. The fact that he worked from "August to February" while I am working now. It did not go over well. Of course. What was he thinking? So I laid into him. I just cannot take that. It angers me so much.

How dare he say that. How dare he act like what I am doing right now is anywhere near to what he is doing. And all my explaining, and my yelling gets me nowhere.

Telling him I work 50 hours a week, telling him I get one day off a week since February, does nothing. I exploded in a fit of memories. The sad thing, or maybe the good thing, is that these memories no longer pain me. They no longer hurt me, or make me cry. They are now just facts. Just moments of my life that I can no longer get back. Just facts.

The memory I happened to remind him of last night was being a young newlywed, and home every night faithfully, and cooking and cooking and cooking. I made the most deluxe, gourmet, delicious meals I could. All sorts of chicken dishes, experiments with potatoes, noodles, steak. I was truly the most perfect housewife. The classic housewife.

How many nights were there - I lost track - where I would spend hours cooking and perfecting, and he would not show up? So often. I would eat by myself, barely able to taste these delicious meals, in front of the TV.

So last night, we lay in bed, and I chastised him for ten minutes straight, telling him it was not the same. Me working my ass off? Not the same at all. I work, I am working. I am not out smoking crack. I am not getting high. I am working every minute I say I am working. And all that money I get? I bring it home. I bring it home and attempt to pay portions of bills before I even allow myself the slightest gratification of buying something for myself.

And what did he do? I'm sure he knows. But to remind him - he invested in drugs first. He invested in his physical and mental high before he realized he had no money left to pay the bills. And we were forced again to ask for help. And I went through another month of stress, wondering how in the world we would pay rent.

Sacrificing myself - telling him that sure, we could eat macaroni every day. Sure, Ramen noodles. In order to save money. And all along, we never really had to do that. All along, he was an addict.

After the fight last night, or, more accurately, I once again went on and on at him, we lay there in silence. I longed to touch him. I wanted to feel his skin under my fingers, to feel him there. But I kept myself full of pride. I didn't allow myself the satisfaction of feeling him. He was naughty. He needed to be punished.

Maybe I was the one who was punished after that outburst. He said one thing the entire time, and I don't even remember what it was. Even after I was done with my verbal assaults, he lay there in silence. I know he was awake. He went to the bathroom afterwards. I felt bad. But not bad enough.

I want him to have a taste, just a taste, of what it is like to be in my shoes. What it was like. Did he never think about his wife at home, crying? Staring out at the window at every car passing by, wondering where her husband was? No. He didn't think of that. And I want him to understand how it was for me. I want him to see, to feel, how it was in my shoes.

But he never will. Will I always be like this towards him? Because while I am no longer sad about the past, I am full of anger. Full of anger and more substantially, hate.

Friends in the city

2007-06-18T09:05:00.001-07:00

We went out with friends this weekend, Saturday night. We went to a family-style Italian restaurant in the city. It was my best friend, and one of my close friends and their boyfriends.

It was a good time, which surprised me kind of. It was intimate, and Chris is usually a shy person which comes off as quite snobby. However, perhaps due to the camaraderie within the group, he opened up quite quickly. It was nice actually.

It was nice to be with friends, calm and normal people, and not be fighting. There is something about being with your friends and your husband. I feel so close to him. He's mine. No one else's. And there is something about having that soul next to you, knowing their there.

Taking a bite out of their food, sharing drinks. It is so hard to put words to, but having that intimate connection with someone. I loved it. I love it. I could feel him with me, and loved having him there.

We went for a nice walk after that, late in the dark, and then made love. It was one of the best love-making times we have had. He is such a passionate lover. He is full of consideration. He has always been like that. Making sure I am satisfied, making sure things are perfect for me too. It is a little disconcerting - but it is sweet.

With each day, I can forgive a little more. I can be patient a little more. I can love a little more.

NA

2007-06-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

Chris tried out a new NA meeting on Tuesday this week. Since he is now ordered to attend two a week, he tried a different one that he has never been too. He called frantic, late, looking for the church name. He only arrived two minutes late, and called to tell me that he was not going in - he was late.

I said that was stupid, drove 1/2 an hour, and get in there. He called ten minutes later and told me it sucked. He said no one came and greeted him, no one was friendly, and it was stupid. He left.

I had mixed feelings about this. He only gave it ten minutes! I said that to him, but apparently his other group was extremely friendly and greeted and included him right away.

I do not want him to be uncomfortable or feel like an outsider, but sometimes you have to tough things out at first and it will get better. Life is not always some warm cushy place. And since he has to go to two a week from now on, he is going to have to be a little more persistent in sticking with a place.

He attended another one last night. He stayed through this whole one. We only talked about it for a little but he seemed to enjoy this one more.

It's hard to have him leave two times a week now. It's hard to trust that's where he is. I'm used to him leaving or being gone so often that all trust has vanished.

Money Problems

2007-06-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

The world without the internet is a sad thing, isn't it? I am at my parents house, on my sister's computer, wishing I could do this at home, on my own computer.

We had a fight this morning. Over something that should not have blown up so huge. I'm sure the neighbors think we are sorrily married.

He went to the casino on Friday. With my permission, not blessings. He told me he was only taking out $30, perhaps $40. However, I asked today what he took out and we were coming back from a bike ride, such good athletes, and he was silent. I knew what that meant. That he knew I'd be mad. He told me he took out $80. He needed gas, he needed money for gambling.

I was upset. I didn't quite blow up, but I said he didn't say $80. He said he told me he was taking fifty out for the casino and twenty for gas. Shocker. I never heard such a thing.

It's not like I think he's buying crack with it, but it is the principal. Can you not tell the truth for one second in your life? Stop giving excuses. You were wrong. It is not your money to throw away. We need to save, we need to pay our bills, we need to eat.

It escalated miserably. I slammed the house door as hard as possible and he rammed my mom's bike across the grass until it hurtled to the ground. The anger went up and he called me names and said fuck you, and I told him I wanted a divorce and I meant it.

It went on for at least twenty minutes, till I managed to get in the shower. I got a new tattoo the night before, and did my best to keep it from getting pounded as I leaned against the tile, crying incessantly. It was a loud crying, one of those where you can't keep the noises that come with it inside.

All because he took out too much money.

New

2007-06-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

I went out again last night. People from work again, except this particular man went as well, with his girlfriend. There were also two other work people there.

I can tell you it was not as fun as previously. Perhaps because there was all this tension with him and I couldn't relax. However, as the night wore on, and him and his girlfriend wore beyond wasted, I found comfort in the fact that it really doesn't matter.

No longer am I on the dating scene. I am not running after men, I am not/should not! be interested in anyone else. And all I could think about was going home. I just wanted to go home. I was thinking to myself, "I am missing Frasier for this!?"

I even called Chris at one point to pick me up, but he was sleeping and I didn't have the heart to tell him to come get me when he works early. I toughed it out.

I have no tolerance, no patience, for people who are drunk. Everyone was well on their way to becoming so, but I just wanted to crawl into bed next to Chris and feel his skin under my hand. And so when I got home, I did just that.

The apartment was freezing, and the warm contact was a weird feeling. But I made a decision last night. To stop acting like a flirt. To be content, or show it at least, because I am. I am done with the old me.

And this morning, I put on the new me.

Moving

2007-06-06T09:28:00.001-07:00

My life is quieter than normal lately. I have no ups and downs to write about, no new information on Chris. He has his first meeting with his probation officer on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Chris and I are moving at the end of June, to a new apartment a city away. It will be mixed feelings. I like our neighbors so much right now, but I hate our landlord. Our apartment itself is cute and quaint, but it is dirty and not well kept but the previously mentioned landlord.

I am excited to move though. My cousin is the manager of the new complex and is giving us a deal on our unit. So much is included with the rent and grounds are kept up so well. The only hassle is actually going through the whole moving process.

It's quiet there though, so when Chris and I do fight, we will have to keep it much quieter than it is now.

Pure sex

2007-06-05T13:51:00.001-07:00

There's this guy. One of those people that you feel nothing towards but pure sexual attraction. Raw sex. He is just one of those people that you just want to fuck.

He works as a mechanic for our company, and I had the pleasure of meeting him before anyone else did. Before he was even technically hired. It was from there.

He is older than me - more than a decade older to be precise, but he is crazy sexy. He flirted incessantly with me for awhile, telling me he would take me out to dinner, etc., when we would joke around. Until he finally asked if I had a boyfriend. I played it off coyly. Two days later, he met my husband.

After that, he told me I was married and he didn't know that and "we couldn't do this" or something, when in reality all we were doing was talking on the phone.

Nothing has happened. And nothing will. I am horrifyingly loyal, and he has a girlfriend as well. But I saw him today, and spent time with him as he worked on my car.

There is nothing sexier and more powerful than seeing a man doing his job.

I don't know what it is with me - I always fall for the bad boys. The guy is not a winner. He has been in and out of jail, has kids, and the list can go on. Chris is nothing to write home about, obviously. And B, another guy I dated, looked completely hard-core but was nothing like that. He had the cleanest record I have ever come across. That didn't last.

Could that be the reason? I need drama? Maybe he was seriously beautiful, but not dangerous enough for me. I don't know.

Either way, I am not a cheating spouse. I have no intention of cheating. In fact, I have every intention to NOT cheat. I just thought I would write about pure sexual attraction.

Memories

2007-06-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

I was reminded this morning of something Chris told me awhile ago. It hurts every time I think about it because of the lengths of secrecy he would go to.

He told me when we would ride together in his car, he would take out his crack pipes and leave them in the grass next to the car so that they wouldn't be in there with me. I am not sure if this was so I wouldn't be incriminated if something would happen, or so I simply would not find it. I am sure it was the latter.

He went so far with this routine, that when the ground was layered with snow, he would take out his pipes and shove them into some snow so he knew where they were but no passersby would see them. Mainly me.

I often ask him about things. Such as "Was this in our house?! Was this in my car?" I remember one night; he didn't have his car. We had just went out for dinner and he had asked me three times already if he could go to the city to get money from a friend who owed him some.

A black friend. A black friend who lived in the ghetto. Who owed him money. For some unknown reason. If this wasn't a fricken clue, I have no idea what was.

I said no. Over and over. I said "You are not taking my car to go there. $50? Not that important. Not in the night, not with my car, and not when you don't come back when you are supposed to. You don't even answer his phone." He asked again. I said, "What is the big deal about this f-ing $50??" He said that it was fine. It didn't matter; he would just go when he got his car.

Turns out he wanted to go smoke. He wanted to do crack in my car with his drug dealing friend in the city.

It is painful, and awakening to see how many more moments in our short marriage are like this. Lies from the pit of his soul - it feels like everything out of his mouth was a lie.

I could name off a bunch more right now, but emotional time is done.

Downs

2007-06-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

What an early morning disappointment. I weigh myself every morning, every single morning before I get in the shower, and that is how and when I judge my weight. I was up a pound today. A pound! I know that is not that much, but it is no way to start the morning. Granted, I did have that piece of apple pie last night at 9:30. Perhaps that is the reason for my sudden poundage. But it is quite discouraging for my morning wake-up.

Probation Beginnings

2007-06-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

Probation has started. Maybe not officially, but it has started. He brought home the list of rules of things we can, or more specifically, can't do.

I feel like I am on some sort of punishment. "Sorry, April. The beginnings of relaxation you were feeling? Yeah, don't get too excited. You will be paying your PO for the next 18 months of your life. How much? The amount is unknown. And the supposed 'free' vacation you were taking to Florida in August - you can stop looking forward to it. All the fun things you were planning because he has a job will have to be some other time.

"Sorry, April. Because you married a crack addict, you might have to drive him to work every day due to having his license taken away. Also, because you married a crack addict, if you are having those killer cramps you get where you are incapacitated for hours on end, you cannot send him to the store with the credit card because his PO has to okay that first. And when you are driven to drink because of this inane lunacy, you can't do that either.

"We will check in on you. Your living conditions, what you live with, any alcohol. Have fun with that."

18 months without a fricken drink in my own home? That's a little excessive, don't you think? His problem wasn't alcohol. But hey. That's what I pay. That's the dues I take, grudgingly, to be with the man I love.

Bring me the drinks!

2007-06-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a new and exciting one. At my work, for the most part, we are all like friends (for the most part) and a couple of us went out on Saturday night. S was invited to a random girl's birthday party and he wanted some moral support, so he invited me, Amber, and A. It was interesting. Chris was also invited, but he said he would rather not attend.

This actually made me happy. I like to go out with people that are not him. People that are fun, and people that have the power to make me laugh and I have no sort of hold or doubt over them.

S has been talking about sushi for quite some time, and this has no appeal to me, but we all headed over to this Japanese restaurant that I have never heard of. We laughed and ate until our sides split open. So much for my diet on this night. Also, alcohol is not a help in diets, but I just couldn't help myself. Bring me the drinks, please.

The random girl harassed and called many times, but S did not want to go. Mainly for that reason. So we went to two bars, both dead due to a festival going on by the lake front. We played darts, and pool, and danced and laughed and had a jolly good time.

Crazy though, that by the end of the night, I couldn't wait to get home to Chris. Not to snuggle, nothing like that, but just to be home with the man I love after a night with friends. It was a great, beautiful night. And since I came home at midnight, or shortly after, I desperately wanted to walk around the neighborhood. But as Amber pulled around my street and into my driveway, I saw that all the lights were off in our little triangled windows.

I kissed him gently when I went in, asking to go on a walk, but he said he'd been in bed for an hour already. This was surprising for a couple reasons. Firstly, I thought for sure he would wait for me to go to bed. Secondly, I know he wanted sex. I had promised him before I left that when I got home I would lay it on him.

Maybe I lucked out?

I really had no energy. I washed my face, and did all the things I do, before quietly making it back to the bedroom. When I pulled the covers down, sitting on my pillow was a condom and sex toy "tingling" gel that it is really fantastic. As I am writing now, I can't help but laugh.

Shorten the story, he did not get it. At least, not that night. But we had a lovely Sunday morning.

Jobs

2007-06-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just really need to vent about work, right? Well today is that time. My boss, though great and understanding about my life problems, thinks she is absolutely 100% right about everything. I find it irritating in every way. Probably because I am the same way.

Our co-office-worker makes mistake after mistake after mistake while following all the pre-ordained guidelines while I do it my own way. Not breaking any rules, just simply doing things that seem smarter, more efficient, and more effective. But to my boss, it is wrong. To my boss, only her way is smart, efficient, and effective.

Heaven forbid I am saving the company time and money by having to send people out to fix co-girl's problems. I have not had one incident close to what she has had. Yet, I see myself being ridiculed and yelled at so much more than her. If she makes the same "mistakes" I do, which she does, she does not face what do.

That is probably because she stands there like a meek little lamb, whereas I will fight you to the death. Defend to the death. And I am horrible at surrendering. If I feel that is in everyone's best interest to simply stop fighting, I will simply say okay. And for the life of me, I cannot make it sound sincere. I am sarcastic. That is me.

I am sorry, but the job I am doing now, and the job my manager is doing, is not the most important job in the world. We are landscapers. It is not life-changing, nor life-saving. Customer service is not number one to me. It is not the most fucking important thing.

I want to just yell - tell her that I have a degree in social work. I know how to treat people. I know what it is important. I know how to sway people in one direction or another. But I am stuck here, because I cannot find a job in my field. I cannot find a job.

And I know social work is not all important either. But it is a hell of a better thing than landscaping.

Court

2007-06-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

Court was today. His lawyer has been pushing this off for months now. Months. He took forever to call. He got 18 months of probation, has to attend NA two times a week, and continue maintaining a clean lifestyle.

I just don't quite understand this. I thought the entire goal of this was to have a reduced sentence. The felonies were dropped; he was only up for two misdemeanors. And since his lawyer kept pushing it back, I, however naively, thought his sentence would not be so long. I am not retarded. 18 months of probation is great, considering.

But come on. I thought only a year, at the most. And all I really cared about, honestly, is if our vacation to Florida would be jeopardized. It's in August. We'll see.

I am not complaining. I am not. I am happy that it is not jail. I am just confused as to what the point was of waiting so long, if this all could have been started in March.

It's so frustrating to have him call and tell me this, at work, and not answer my questions in a nice, understanding way. I want information - I crave information, I always have. And he is the kind who just gets by with the important things. Don't have a fricken attitude about things that I want and need to know.

We had one of our huge blow-outs last night. The screaming kind, the kind where I threaten to leave. What was it over? I have no clue anymore. Probably something dumb. From what I can recall, there was words and actions thrown around over household chores.

I wish he would comprehend the fact that I am working my ass off and the least thing he could do, the least, is to have the house clean when I get home from work. Do the dishes. Vacuum. Mow the lawn without whining. Make the bed. Do the laundry. Just do something.

He has a job now. I understand that. We both need to chip in. He doesn't need to tell me that he happened to work for the first 7 months of our marriage and he didn't whine when I didn't. It's a lie. I worked. Part-time, but I worked. And his work? That means nothing to me anymore.

I'm not grateful for it. I'm not okay. He may have worked but I don't know how long. He went out to smoke crack. He may have gotten foolish amounts of money, but I wouldn't know. He liked to just "get by" so he could go out. So I am not appreciative. And it's not a legitimate argument because I never saw a penny. I saw us scraping by, begging help from people.

So his job? Means nothing.

Drugs or Me

2007-06-01T11:19:00.001-07:00

For anyone who has ever had to cope with anyone doing drugs, any kind, this song is for us. It has touched me in many ways, for years.

Drugs or Me
Jimmy Eat World

Disclaimer: The video is not what is important. It is the words.

Custard craving

2007-05-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

Guess what, dear readers? I have lost another pound. I am purely delighted in myself! Only 16 more to go! Ha. It seems like an incredible amount, one I am not ready for. I have lost four, maybe 5 already, but that maybe not be a legitimate amount. I can't remember if the five poundage was after I had eaten or what.

Either way, I am still on my way. It is so hard. I never knew how hard it would be! Not eating after dinner. How I crave that custard that is withering into ice crystals in my freezer! It breaks my heart to the fullest.