No computer

I have a bit more of bad news for you all. My computer, as I was mentioning before, has taken a turn for the worse. My dad told me it was "sick.." He said it was "very unhealthy." That's funny, isn't it? It made me sad actually, to hear that my hard drive was sick. In fact, it is so sick that it no longer works.

It crashed and my dad's friend/co-worker was able to relieve it for a little for us to pull off all my hard written documents, almost 300 to be exact!, and all of my photos. So I have no way to write to you all.

I am at my parent's right now, and I will be able to come over and update you every couple days and check my email and all that. But I am starting my new job tomorrow so I will not be able to spend hours on Blogger like I was able to at my old job. Perhaps eventually, but not yet. :) I wanted to let everyone know.

Eventually, hopefully soon, I will buy a new hard drive and replace my old one and be able to have access 24/7 but right now, I am stuck in this craphole of not having access to the Internet at home.

Anyways, it is really sad for me - I love my computer. But my parent's computer is in the basement, and a centipede just fell from the ceiling and I am not about to stay down here any longer.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Bad news

Well I didn't come back to anything good that's for sure. I come home to find out my computer crashed. A huge monstrous crash, and nothing is working to fix it, and like a typical moron, I didn't save anything to a disk. I have thousands upon thousands of things written in that computer that could be gone forever. I have pictures on there and just ugh. So much stuff. I won't speak too soon because my dad is taking it to his computer guy today, but in the meanwhile, I am just thinking of how I am going to have to pay to fix it, if it's fixable, and that leads me to my second bad thing.

I just checked out our money situation. Lately we have been doing so good - saving so much money and paying all of our bills on time and being good adults. But I see that our bank account has dwindled down to practically nothing. And that is mainly because we missed a week of work when we went to Florida. I know I should just calm down and take it as it comes. I mean, Chris gets paid tomorrow and so do I and we will be right back up to where we should be, but in the meantime, I wanted to get my hair cut for my new job. We need groceries. I think we have an automatic bill payment tomorrow and what if we haven't deposited our checks yet!?

I need to take a deep breath. This is how we lived the entire first half of our marriage yet. Paycheck to paycheck, wracking up the credit card bills. If worse comes to worst, we will simply have to use those credit cards again. After all, it's only one day. Tomorrow is when we get paid. We'll be okay after tomorrow. I still don't know how often I get paid at my new job though, and I don't know if there is a waiting period for new employees and I don't know if we'll be able to make it until I get paid there and on and on and on. I want to go get my hair cut just so I can feel good about myself. But then I think I might regret spending money. We will get through this.

Tomorrow we get paid. And if they try to process a payment from our account, doesn't it take a bit to process anyways? So that gives us time? Ugh. I'm freaking out. I hate this. I need to settle down. It's only till tomorrow.

Fucking Debt

I can't handle it today. I just can't. I don't know how to even explain to him how I feel.

We were discussing our bills. Discussing how tomorrow I'm going to a bank to fill out an application for a loan. We have no collateral - no house, no boat, nothing. And the car I do have - a discontinued sports car to one day become a classic - is not worth anything to them either apparently.

He is such a fucking bastard sometimes. He says he is sorry that we are in this fucking mess, but it doesn't help one fucking bit. We still owe a shit load of money, and every penny is because of him. Because of him I opened another credit card so I could pay rent. Because of him, we couldn't pay off his credit cards that already existed and now the interest is incredible.

But he doesn't see it this way. He gets defensive. He says that I should have had a full time job when we got married then. It's my fault of course.

I fill up with anger and frustration and all kinds of hatred but I cannot express it fully. The only thing I can do is tell him that I am mad at him for those things. And he says sorry for one second and then changes his course five minutes later.

He fucked up my credit. He fucked up everything related to it. Before we got married, my credit was a beautiful thing. I paid them off in TOTAL every single fucking month. Now I can barely make the minimum payment.

That wonderful car I was talking about? It is incredible. My dream car. But since I have no money, I cannot put anything into it. I need to start thinking of a new car, or if I should put money into this one. Each of those things requires a loan for me. And I can't fucking get one until his fucking bills are paid off.

The ramifications of what he did go deep. Every time I think we are a little better, something else pops up and my anger bubbles over again. Will we ever be rid of his fucking stupidity? Will it ever be officially over? Will I ever be free to mostly forget that he was a fucking crackhead who wasted our money?

I wish he would be grateful for everything I do. I am the one who made the appointment with the bank tomorrow. I am the one going. I am the one who pays the bills every month. I'm the one who keeps track of everything. I am the one who found our new fucking apartment; I am the one who figures out what we need when we go shopping. I am the one who keeps track of the fucking money in our fucking account.

Such a fucking ingrate who fucked up my life.

A little more

He read the blog last night...the blog I happened to steal from The Junkys Wife's website. The blog that was from a man's point of view - the one staying that she is always yelling. Always mad. Never wanting to kiss, to hug, to make love. He read it.

I cried the first time I read it. And when I read it parts of it over last night, I cried again. His comments were what I could expect. That he was trying. That he knows I cannot just let go of it. He tried to joke saying that I need counseling, as one part in the blog states. I did not, could not, laugh. What was funny about that? No doubt I need counseling for the hell he put me through. But it is doubtful he is referring to that. I kind of took it as him saying he thinks I need counseling in general. Not a time to joke, Chris. Really.

His reaction to the blog was less than what I hoped for. But I know him, or at least I think I do, and I know his reactions and that was one I definitely saw coming.

Good news to report today though - he finally got a job. I realize since I have only started to record these happenings, you do not realize how long it has been. Months. Months that felt like years. I am enthusiastic about this, don't get me wrong. However, as I was thinking about it this morning, I realized that I am the main reason he received this job.

A co-worker of mine knows someone who knows someone at a temp agency. She told me he could definitely get Chris a job if he simply went. I told him to go. He did. He got a job. Of course, it was up to him to go, and it was up to him to present himself in a professional manner, but in reality, he did nothing but that. He didn't look for it. I am giving him a handout. In this case and in many cases, it is all through who you know. But I wish he could have done this one thing alone.

Don't get me wrong - I am happy he has a job. The money will be greatly appreciated. He is swimming in debt. I disassociate myself with this because "it isn't me." I get the lecture repeatedly about we are married, it IS me. When we want a house, or a new car, or anything that involves a credit check, it will not look good. It is just another reminder of how he screwed me over.

But at least he will start paying his bills off, right? Or I will. Access to money through me from him has become almost an impossible task - just another way for me to control his every move. Perhaps that's wrong. Perhaps that pushes him away. But he has been clean almost 90 days now, so he says. And I have had control of the money, the cards, the finances, everything - for just as long. Just another burden to add to my already aching shoulders.

I say that I would love to relinquish my control. I say that I would love to give up the control of everything. But would I? At least if something goes wrong I have no one to blame but myself. And in reality, I would hate it, I think. Trusting someone?! Practically unheard of. Especially to take care of ME? To take care of our finances? What a joke.

For now, I will be content with the fact that a job has come his way.

And I will be content that I can laugh a little more. I can giggle at his strange way of joking, the absurd things he does to make me laugh. I can relax a little more.

Bottled Up

I feel a little better today. Not that I felt too bad yesterday, but the looming implications of a license returned irked me to no end.

Today is a new day though and I will face it head on. That is how it is. I am lucky enough to have a job that I enjoy coming to work for. I am lucky that my boss has been through a situation very similar to mine and is there whenever I break down.

She sees things I don't. For example, last week, as I was crying in her office about how he had ruined everything, she said that we were both going through similar things. Hardships-wise. Her husband hated his job and wanted to quit and she felt like she had to support him. She said she had no problem doing that because she loved him and wanted to stay with him. But she said that she did not see that from me. She said I need to decide if I want to stay with him.

The thing is - I love this man. I want to stay with him. I want to work things out. But as I believe I have stated before, I cannot let go of my bitterness and anger towards him.

I had this friend. She was my best friend in the entire world. But not for the reasons that most best friends are so. She made my spirits soar - we had more fun than I have ever had in my life. When I got married though, our communication stopped. She called for my birthday - sometimes I would hear from her. But a couple months ago we talked and she asked how I was. It was shortly after the news that I was married to a crack addict came out.

I told her I was okay. That I had been tempted to call her a week or so before but thought better of it. She asked why, but all I told her was that everything was okay now.

How could I tell this girl, this girl that used to be the number one person in my life, that she had been right all along? That when she said he wasn't good enough for me she was right? How could I give her the satisfaction? And when in reality, as she would gloat to herself and pity would wash over her, all I would think was that she had no fucking clue how it was. She lived her life of parties and flirtations and simple nothings and this would be much too big.

I'm not saying she couldn't understand. She had been through hardships that I have never even dreamed of. But I don't think that anything can really compare to being yoked to someone for the rest of your life - and that someone has lied to and betrayed you beyond any recognizable point. I don't think that she would be able to understand how it would be to know that you just signed your life to someone who was addicted to crack cocaine. Her hard decisions in life were what to wear that night to a bar.

That may sound so bitchy. But it is the truth. And maybe that is all 23-year-olds should have to think about. The sad truth is though that that is what I do think about. I think about how my life has changed. How I need to decide if I want to be married to a liar.

It was nearly impossible those nights; the nights where I spent crying alone, before and after I found out the truth. It was so impossible I wanted to call her up and run to her house - a place where I could be myself and relax and be comfortable and forget about my problems. But I didn't. I stayed strong, whether that was good or bad, because I did not want to be the weak one. My own problem of pride I know.

I had no one. I had no one to turn to. And even while I write this, I cringe knowing that it is a lie. I had someone. I always did. My family is nothing but supportive. They would have been there if I just asked. But I am a strong-willed, overly prideful human being. I don't want to ask for help. I want to come across as independent, needing nothing. I am sure that is my main dilemma. I didn't turn to them until after he was arrested.

I kept it all bottled up. The late nights, the fights, the missing money, the debt we were falling into. Debt is harder to get out of then I ever thought possible.

I am working my butt off now - paying off the bills, paying for everything - while he "looks" for a job. I have more money in my account now than I ever did before, but it dwindles out as I pay the bills.

Sorry for that interspersion of debt. The fact is, because I kept it all in, I am more unhealthy than ever before.

I get mad at him for the stupidest little things. Such if life for now though. I need an emotional break.