Peeing Crack

I did it. It took a lot of deep breaths, it took a lot of trying and failing, but I finally called to talk to someone. It is for this Tuesday. We'll see what happens.

My parents believe that the drug test he took that day was wrong. He also took one yesterday for his PO. And passed. So thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks for the support. I know they are trying to be supportive and trying to look out for me. But they think he drank something to detox his system before taking a drug test. That’s a lot, even for him. He wouldn’t know I would give it to him.

Even if he would, I need to get away. I can’t have my parents breathing down my throat on this. I can’t constantly live like this. He was fine. I swear he was fine before we got there. I swear he was fine when we went out with his parents. How could it only have affected him for that short time?

I can’t play the ifs, ands, and buts games. He was clean, wasn’t he? Even so, the fact that they don’t believe, and would go so far to look up in the internet to see if he drank something and how fast it would work, is really bothersome. They have always had problems with trusting. If one of us kids messed up, it would take forever to trust us again. Literally forever.

I want them to let me live my own life. To not treat me like a fricken idiot. I know the signs. I know when he looks high. I know when he looks fucked up. I don’t need a constant reminder; I don’t need a constant question and answer session.

Now it is going to be awkward, and worst part is, I feel like a fucking idiot because I have started to believe him. He loves NA, he loves it so much. He loves having been in recovery for almost a year. He prides himself on it. And I really don’t think he would want to start all over. That’s why I find it so hard to believe that he would do fucking crack again.

Maybe I am just one of those fucking idiots I hate. Those ones who actually believe that shit because they just don’t want to know the truth. The “ignorance is bliss” people. I used to be like that.

It’s easier. It’s cleaner. But it’s a lie.

What is the truth? Should I believe him? Should I believe the drug test? I am already angry with my parents for being so untrusting. For taking time out of their precious lives to look up my fucking husband’s ways out of peeing crack.

Am I wrong to be that mad at them?

I can’t seem to get out everything I want to say. I’m easily distracted right now. The point is two drug tests came out clean. The point is that he denied it. The point is is that I can’t handle anything else! I am going to fucking break.

Annoyed Easily

There are so many different people in the world. And it's so funny to me how few of them I can put up with. Hah. I am even laughing at myself as I wrote that.

In starting this new job, it took quite awhile before I felt comfortable to be myself with anyone. And it took quite awhile before I made "friends." And now I am finally at that place of comfortability and honesty. Mostly. It only took a fricken month.

I sometimes wonder what people think about me. I am so judgemental. And it usually isn't trying to be mean to people, I just get a vibe and go off that until or unless it steers me wrong. But I wonder how people view me. I am so sarcastic and I am sure unless someone knows me it comes across so bitchy. In fact, the girls I eat lunch with say I am the bitchiest one of them all. One girl says she likes it - she says she likes that I tell it like it is. And sometimes I pride myself in that, but other times I just wonder if I am being mean or too negative.

Another girl describes me as that. Negative. I call it being a "realist." Of course, there is great negativity in that, but that is just who I am.

When I first started this job, I was so quiet. I kept to myself and didn't let my sarcasm drip over and didn't let anything come out of my mouth at all. But then I started to open up a little, and I wondered if people were thinking "Who is this? She used to be so shy." I wonder if people have a sense of these things, like knowing that I was only acting shy because I was new but that I would come out of my shell as things got going.

I like to see who I can trust or who I can be my full self with. I don't want to offend with my rudeness. I know some people can stomach people like me and some can't. Some get offended. I went through a phase where I would say "You are Satan!" when someone was being mean or rude. I was totally kidding and would always laugh after, but once someone got offended and confronted me about it.

I wanted to see who could handle my sarcasm. I wanted to know who I could be myself with before I truly let it explode out. And for the most part, I can be myself now. But some people I am still cautious around.

And then there are first impressions that I take from people. There is one girl that completely rubbed me the wrong way. She is loud, always complaining, and controlling. She thinks she is right about everything. Her experience in social welfare is vast and she doesn't fail to let everyone know. I find it quite annoying. I find HER quite annoying. But maybe that is just her before she knows people, like the way I was. I doubt it though.

A girl I eat with tells me I have a low tolerance for people. I find that amusing, given the field I'm in. But perhaps she's right. I can read people well. Yet even when I say that I think of Chris. I could read him. I knew something wasn't right. I knew he was not doing what he said he was. But I just didn't, couldn't, wouldn't figure out what.

So in reading people well, I see how many of them I don't like. I see how many things I get annoyed with. I see how some people are so stupid. I am annoyed and judge easily. Maybe too easily.

So now that everyone reading this hates me, I will go back to work.

Trust Issues

It's funny how before this job, I lived for going onto Blogger and reading everyone's blogs. Now I am so beyond busy ... I barely have time to do anything! When I get home, I just want to eat and walk and watch TV and do nothing with the computer. I love reading your blogs and writing in my home, but I feel so swamped with everything else - I simply have no energy to read anything!

It was so helpful to read everyone's blogs when Chris first came out of the addiction closet. This was exactly what I needed and continues to be so. I just wanted to thank you all so much - the ones of you who are new to me, and the ones who have been with me from the beginning. Thanks for being there then, with the hundreds of posts, and now, with the few I have time for.

Chris is doing so much better, it seems. There's that word again - seems. Like I said in an earlier post, seems. I don't want to claim to know if I don't. I don't want to look oblivious if he is not. Which I obviously would be because I don't see anything like the past right now. So to me, he is good. It is nice to not to worry about where he is, who he is with, when he'll be back, why he isn't answering his phone, etc.

Don't get me wrong. I am still constantly worrying about the money. It sucks. I hate it. Why am I still worried? What is he doing? Is he buying cigarettes, which he claims he does not smoke, with the credit card? What is he buying? I hate that. I want to know when I will start trusting again. I want to start trusting again. I want to not doubt what he is saying. How do I do that? How can I get over it?