Bored

I am sick of talking about my job, though that seems to be the only thing that is going on lately. It is still a huge transition that I am slowly processing. It's actually taken a lot longer than normal job changes, and it is a lot harder too. But I am sure you are all so deathly sick of me talking about my job.

So. Chris is doing well. He is still attending NA every week, twice a week as court-ordered, and I am loving my free time when he is gone. This is sounding like a strange update to my life, and I guess it is. When nothing else is going on, I have nothing to give but updates!

My friend got engaged last night, does that matter to anyone? I don't know. I will stop boring you now. It's a good thing nothing is going on because that means no drama in my life. But it's also a bad thing because you are all bored with my life. Hah.

PO #1

Chris went to see his probation officer for the first time today. He said he was drug tested and there were five lines on it. He said he tested negative for four, and one came up as unknown.

He said he "freakin' the 'f' out." I acted like it didn't matter. I acted like I didn't care. Like I knew it would happen, like I knew he couldn't stay clean. He said he hasn't done anything and that he had no clue why it was unknown. He said his PO sent it to a lab and would find out.

He's worried about going to prison.

I was a bitch. I acted like I didn't care. I didn't want to act vulnerable. I didn't want to act scared. I didn't want to act like I gave a shit because then I would have to care later.

In reality, I am freaked out. I don't know. I just, I don't. He has acted so clean. In my mind, I think he is. He is home all the time. He is reliable. He has passed every other drug test. He answers his phone. He is like a completely different person. So how could he be doing drugs?

My new found friend tells me that he will get three chances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Chris told me that one "f" up and he is going away for a year if the judge says so. I don't know if I can believe that either.

What could that unknown mean? Could he be doing something behind my back? Or wouldn't that come up as positive then? Could it be a stupid glitch? Could Chris fall victim to the "false-positive" world of being sent away as an innocent?

I am freaking out too. I believe he is innocent. But when will we find out the results of the test? I thought things were getting better. I really hope that he will not be sent to jail, just like that. But he said his PO said that he might be "sitting in county for awhile" if he is lying about not doing anything.

Deep breath. This is not what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to come up clean. He was supposed to be able to go to Florida with me. It was supposed to be like visiting his fairy godmother. But it's not.

NA

Chris tried out a new NA meeting on Tuesday this week. Since he is now ordered to attend two a week, he tried a different one that he has never been too. He called frantic, late, looking for the church name. He only arrived two minutes late, and called to tell me that he was not going in - he was late.


I said that was stupid, drove 1/2 an hour, and get in there. He called ten minutes later and told me it sucked. He said no one came and greeted him, no one was friendly, and it was stupid. He left.

I had mixed feelings about this. He only gave it ten minutes! I said that to him, but apparently his other group was extremely friendly and greeted and included him right away.

I do not want him to be uncomfortable or feel like an outsider, but sometimes you have to tough things out at first and it will get better. Life is not always some warm cushy place. And since he has to go to two a week from now on, he is going to have to be a little more persistent in sticking with a place.

He attended another one last night. He stayed through this whole one. We only talked about it for a little but he seemed to enjoy this one more.

It's hard to have him leave two times a week now. It's hard to trust that's where he is. I'm used to him leaving or being gone so often that all trust has vanished.