Breaking the rules

We went out with friend last night. We went to a comedy club in the city. Oh, how I love the city. I call it the city because it is way more massive than the suburb I live in. I love the people going about their business, so many people, so many things to watch! I love everything about it. I love the energy and I love how it is never dead.

So Chris broke all the rules of probation last night. Okay, not quite all of them. But we did go to two bars, where he hesitantly drank 4? bottles of beer. Not much, but still. He then proceeded to smoke quite a few cigarettes, something he proclaims that he does not do "normally." We then all squeezed into a Chevy Cavalier, 5 of us that is, and proceeded to drive further into the city, everyone but me having no license. And I don't mean, "Whoops! They forgot it!" I mean, they literally do not HAVE a license. Chris technically does, but any contact with police, especially after those beers, would be trouble.

So how many rules were broken? I count three, and my own personal rule #4. I hate smoking. Don't smoke. And he did.

So I really don't know how I feel about these rule breakings. I made him come with me to the bar. And I'm sure I totally made him drink by telling him it was okay; his probation officer meeting isn't for two weeks. And I don't see the problem, really. It's not like we were shooting heroin or smoking crack. It was a couple beers, and I don't care. But should I be enforcing, enabling, agreeing, with this behavior? Should I say it's okay to drink when in reality he should not be drinking for the next 18 months?

I'm sure this all comes back to my own personal vendetta against the PO. "She doesn't own me. She can't run my life. I'll go to a fricken bar if I want to go to one!" So I do. And I make Chris go with. And I make him drink. And I think he should be able to. I mean, how fun is it to leave your husband at home when you're going out?

So should I be promoting and encouraging this lying behavior? Am I feeding the flames? Or should I enforce the strict rules of the PO?

Am I reading into this, digging too deep, making more out of it than it is?

PO Last Night

I told you I would update you on the PO meeting yesterday. Well, there is nothing to update. She couldn't find our house apparently, and Chris doesn't answer numbers that are restricted or unrecognized. So he didn't answer her call. He did call back and she returned his call later on that night, and their next meeting is scheduled for July 18th. I'm hoping that since it is so far away, she doesn't suspect him of doing drugs or at least doesn't seem him as one of her problem "clients".

So there is nothing really to report on that front. That's probably a good thing, thought I had gotten myself all mentally prepared to meet her to no avail. Oh well. Some other time.

She said she hasn't checked yet on the results of his mailed in drug test. Weird, right? I'm not quite sure why she hasn't looked. I'll assume all is well.

Work is calling!

We Will See

The PO is coming today for a house visit. Part of me wants to be there to meet this lady who is going to be running my life for the next 18 months, and the other part wants nothing to do with her. With my luck, I will think she will be gone by the time I get home, and she won't have even arrived yet.

It will be interesting to see what she does. I was talking to my dad about this yesterday - about how some of these people get on massive power trips. She already said to us that "she guesses" she will "let" us move because of our "situation." And what situation would that be, lady?

Power trips are never a good thing in authorities of the law. My dad, and come to think of it, my mom, threw in then how I was a social worker and might get on a power trip of my own one day. Maybe. The fact is that I hate that I have to change my lifestyle for Chris now. My parents constantly remind me that I married him. That it is what I have to do. In reality though, I don't have to. I can keep all the booze I want around the house. Wouldn't bode well for him, but as I read so often, "not my bucket of shit."

Somehow I am on this mindset of wanting to tell this lady that my record is crystal. That I am a good girl. Well, mostly. But everyone knows that will get us no where. Embarrassingly enough, I carted all my bottles of alcohol (not that big of a drinker!) to my parents so Chris wouldn't get in trouble. Now is that love or what?

She will be there at the end of the day today so we'll see what happens.

No, I still have not heard about Chris' strange drug test issue, but I am hoping and thinking that if it were positive, he would have certainly received a phone call unless she plans on telling him today. Don't quite know what to think about that. But, like always, we will see.

PO Side Note

Today is one of those days where I want to write all day, but I can't get my thoughts together. So I will just write that I am still alive, yes, and that I really have much to say but once I get my thoughts together I will come back. Nothing new or exciting has happened.

Same old fights about the same old things. Except, yesterday, I actually felt like his PO is in charge of and dictating my life now. For the next 18 months. And I want to agree The Junkys Wife when she says it's not my bucket of shit. But I cannot fully. Because it has become mine. And that is because I married the junkie.

I wish I had known. And really, what would I have changed?

PO #1

Chris went to see his probation officer for the first time today. He said he was drug tested and there were five lines on it. He said he tested negative for four, and one came up as unknown.

He said he "freakin' the 'f' out." I acted like it didn't matter. I acted like I didn't care. Like I knew it would happen, like I knew he couldn't stay clean. He said he hasn't done anything and that he had no clue why it was unknown. He said his PO sent it to a lab and would find out.

He's worried about going to prison.

I was a bitch. I acted like I didn't care. I didn't want to act vulnerable. I didn't want to act scared. I didn't want to act like I gave a shit because then I would have to care later.

In reality, I am freaked out. I don't know. I just, I don't. He has acted so clean. In my mind, I think he is. He is home all the time. He is reliable. He has passed every other drug test. He answers his phone. He is like a completely different person. So how could he be doing drugs?

My new found friend tells me that he will get three chances. But I don't know if I can believe that. Chris told me that one "f" up and he is going away for a year if the judge says so. I don't know if I can believe that either.

What could that unknown mean? Could he be doing something behind my back? Or wouldn't that come up as positive then? Could it be a stupid glitch? Could Chris fall victim to the "false-positive" world of being sent away as an innocent?

I am freaking out too. I believe he is innocent. But when will we find out the results of the test? I thought things were getting better. I really hope that he will not be sent to jail, just like that. But he said his PO said that he might be "sitting in county for awhile" if he is lying about not doing anything.

Deep breath. This is not what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to come up clean. He was supposed to be able to go to Florida with me. It was supposed to be like visiting his fairy godmother. But it's not.

Probation Beginnings

Probation has started. Maybe not officially, but it has started. He brought home the list of rules of things we can, or more specifically, can't do.

I feel like I am on some sort of punishment. "Sorry, April. The beginnings of relaxation you were feeling? Yeah, don't get too excited. You will be paying your PO for the next 18 months of your life. How much? The amount is unknown. And the supposed 'free' vacation you were taking to Florida in August - you can stop looking forward to it. All the fun things you were planning because he has a job will have to be some other time.

"Sorry, April. Because you married a crack addict, you might have to drive him to work every day due to having his license taken away. Also, because you married a crack addict, if you are having those killer cramps you get where you are incapacitated for hours on end, you cannot send him to the store with the credit card because his PO has to okay that first. And when you are driven to drink because of this inane lunacy, you can't do that either.

"We will check in on you. Your living conditions, what you live with, any alcohol. Have fun with that."

18 months without a fricken drink in my own home? That's a little excessive, don't you think? His problem wasn't alcohol. But hey. That's what I pay. That's the dues I take, grudgingly, to be with the man I love.