It Never Ends

Thanks to everyone who wrote to me on my last post. It meant so much.

This week has been better. For those who asked, nothing happened this last Monday. At least, nothing I know of. He was home "on time" and was looking and acting normal. It was quite weird, this Monday. Nothing like the past two.

I have been stressed beyond normal this week. Remember the car things I would write? That my car was going down hill fast? This last week it took a turn for the worst. It can't get up hills, even small hills, at more than 15mph. It really worried me because winter is coming.

My dad let me take his car - they have an extra car - and I have been feeling lucky and spoiled and safe, driving around in this luxury car, full of everything I could ever want. But last week I had to switch back for a day, and though I felt at home and less in need of responsibility in my own car, a huge dose of reality hit me. I would never make it through the winter. I probably wouldn't even make it through the next few weeks.

I started looking hardcore for a car, all the while knowing that the chances of getting one without anyone's help was slim. I can make the car payments. I can do it all. I just have bad credit. And why? And that's another dose of reality that hit me this week.

I was turned down at one after another credit loaning companies, though I would have a car as collateral. I felt so hopeless. Though my parents would help me, my dad couldn't resist the temptation for a lecture. And I just sat there, nodding, though the anger rose inside me quickly. "It's not my fault, Dad!"

"I would have asked for help."

"No, you wouldn't have. You can't say that."

"I would have asked my parents for help."

Silence. Staring. Fine. You would've asked. In your mind you would've. But when you are in the situation, you don't know. When you are newly married, struggling in your mind to wonder if you've made the right decision as it is, you don't want to ask for help because your husband is wasting away your money at only God knows what.

Today, as we stood in the lobby of a bank, waiting for someone to call me in, me and my co-signer, he leaned over and said "I know it's not your fault. You can be happy."

My eyes filled with tears. I had to quickly blink them away - I turned to the window.

I got a new car. But the depth of what Chris has done still shocks me and amazes me every day with it's hidden surprises and fun. Credit card debt, not getting a loan, still struggling to catch up on everything we are behind in. All the credit cards, student loans. And because of our hectic and frantic catch-up game, and the fact that we still have to survive, I haven't concentrated on paying on time. We have been late, we have been on time, we have paid too little, we have paid too much. And now here we are. Struggling for a fricken' car loan.

But I got a car. And I can be happy. My daddy, my protector, the man I have looked up to for my life span - he says I can.

Moving

My life is quieter than normal lately. I have no ups and downs to write about, no new information on Chris. He has his first meeting with his probation officer on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Chris and I are moving at the end of June, to a new apartment a city away. It will be mixed feelings. I like our neighbors so much right now, but I hate our landlord. Our apartment itself is cute and quaint, but it is dirty and not well kept but the previously mentioned landlord.

I am excited to move though. My cousin is the manager of the new complex and is giving us a deal on our unit. So much is included with the rent and grounds are kept up so well. The only hassle is actually going through the whole moving process.

It's quiet there though, so when Chris and I do fight, we will have to keep it much quieter than it is now.

Jobs

Sometimes you just really need to vent about work, right? Well today is that time. My boss, though great and understanding about my life problems, thinks she is absolutely 100% right about everything. I find it irritating in every way. Probably because I am the same way.

Our co-office-worker makes mistake after mistake after mistake while following all the pre-ordained guidelines while I do it my own way. Not breaking any rules, just simply doing things that seem smarter, more efficient, and more effective. But to my boss, it is wrong. To my boss, only her way is smart, efficient, and effective.

Heaven forbid I am saving the company time and money by having to send people out to fix co-girl's problems. I have not had one incident close to what she has had. Yet, I see myself being ridiculed and yelled at so much more than her. If she makes the same "mistakes" I do, which she does, she does not face what do.

That is probably because she stands there like a meek little lamb, whereas I will fight you to the death. Defend to the death. And I am horrible at surrendering. If I feel that is in everyone's best interest to simply stop fighting, I will simply say okay. And for the life of me, I cannot make it sound sincere. I am sarcastic. That is me.

I am sorry, but the job I am doing now, and the job my manager is doing, is not the most important job in the world. We are landscapers. It is not life-changing, nor life-saving. Customer service is not number one to me. It is not the most fucking important thing.

I want to just yell - tell her that I have a degree in social work. I know how to treat people. I know what it is important. I know how to sway people in one direction or another. But I am stuck here, because I cannot find a job in my field. I cannot find a job.

And I know social work is not all important either. But it is a hell of a better thing than landscaping.

Instigator

It’s strange really, how much the lifestyle of drugs surrounds you. Our downstairs neighbors in our building (3 family farmhouse) apparently are a family of pot-smokers. All of them. There are quite many who live there and for our little old-fashioned suburb this is quite interesting news to hear. In all honestly, I am sure there are others like this out there.

The father, the son, the friends – they all smoke pot. Chris seems to be coming friends with one of the sons, Tyler, who said he used to be completely messed up with prescription painkillers, etc. He said now he steers clear from all that. Interesting. I wonder what he does when his family smokes up. I wonder if he is lying.

Then there is my brother and his friends. His friend, I should say, the instigator. I used to babysit this friend, back when I was twelve and thirteen. I had great fun messing with these children. They were raised similar to me. Four of them, brothers. In a Christian home, stricter than anything, always feeling tied down.

But these brothers had it rough. They were rarely allowed to watch TV and when they did, it was carefully monitored. No PG, certainly no PG-13. And the one cable channel they were allowed to watch was the Discovery Channel.

I babysat these kids and we would spend hours playing board games. When lunch was served, I would entertain them with childish jokes and stories, hoping to corrupt their little minds with things such as "boogers" and "bloody fingers." They laughed until their little bellies jiggled.

But now the oldest brother has turned into something unfortunate. He uses prescription drugs mostly, for his own highs. And over the weekend, he passed it on to my brother, and their mutual friend. It was nothing major, nothing big, but it was still quite shocking to me.

No matter where I turn, someone in my life will have used some kind of drug to the point of trouble. Tragic, in my opinion, that it is the way life is. That innocence can be so quickly lost.

There is always an instigator though, isn't there? Someone who starts it and transfers it to someone else. It doesn't matter the age. There is always someone. Peer pressure. It's tough, even for the strongest person.

I wonder - can someone be an instigator for a good thing?