I'm back

Wow, I can't believe it's been more than a month since I have posted. I didn't for quite some time because everything seemingly was going okay. But he was still being his stupid immature self. The thing I think about him is that he is really hung up on himself. I don't mean that he is full of himself because of his good looks or any of that crap; I mean that he only thinks of himself. Which we all knew and know was the problem, but he still doesn't understand that he needs to be responsible to other people at some points in his life.

So about a week before Valentine's, he went to the casino. However, he didn't tell me that. And for weeks he had been asking me to go and for weeks I had been saying no. And on this particular night, I was calling and calling and calling and calling and nothing. Finally, he called, saying he lost track of time and was at the casino trying to "win money" FOR US. Ridiculous, I know. A week later, the night before Valentine's, he disappeared again because he was "stuck in traffic." So I kicked him out. The night before Valentine's Day. The next time we talked, the next day, he stated that he finally realized he was "trying to be independent." I said "big deal." He said that it was a big deal for him because he had never really placed his finger on it.

I took him back (surprising right?) and since then, it has been the complete opposite. He has answered every time I called. He has been home at the time he has said he would be. He has been acting like a man - showering every day, shaving when necessary, spending time with me and not always playing video games. He has been a husband. It has been a welcome change.

We will see if he stays like that, but I certainly like what I see. Maybe I should not get too used to it or get my hopes up too high, but I am liking the new Chris. I hope that thing he "realized" really sticks with him.

Don't have to forgive...now

Amazing that I would write I am going to break, because something else has happened this week. I am not fully ready to discuss it, and I am still pressing on with him, but we will see for how long.

The meeting on Tuesday went nothing as I expected. She told me to start attending Al-Anon, which I have known forever, and commiserated with me. But I did not feel as if anything was sorted out. She told me about some of her experiences with her first husband, and recommended some books. I don't know what I expected, but I know I didn't expect to just vent and complain, and then have no resolution. She didn't even teach me or tell me or anything about how to slowly resolve my never-ending anger towards him. She did tell me it is just the beginning and that I am further ahead than most, but that I don't have to forgive him right away or be done in my anger. Which whether or not she said that, it didn't matter, because I know I can't do either.

I am going read the book(s) she recommended, and look into Al-Anon, but in the meantime, I am going to start looking for fun things to do, whether it is taking classes or attending lectures or plays, or anything to get me out of the house. He needs to see that I am not just sitting around waiting for him. I have my own life.

This week has not been easy. Tough situations have came up. Thanks to everyone for your comments and support.

Anniversary expectations...upheld!

The anniversary yesterday was done very well. Chris woke me up with decorating the kitchen with red streamers and a bouncy bow hanging from the fan. On the table under it was a vase filled with beautiful flowers of all different colors, and next to that was a plate filled with waffles. There was a clean, single plate in front of a chair - all for me. I love waffles so much and haven't had them forever! So I was able to eat waffles soaked in syrup and butter and share them with the man I love.

And my present, aside from a bag of Pizza Combos (yum!!) and a couple candy bars, was a diamond necklace. Yes, a diamond necklace. So he did a couple things right on our first anniversary!

It was a good day. We spent the day together and later on went out for dinner with my family because my siblings are leaving for school. It was a nice day.

I do have some other things to discuss, but I will do that in a different post.

Anniversary expectations

Wow. I really suck at keeping you guys up to date on things lately. Actually, not much has been going on.

Tomorrow is Chris and I's first year anniversary. One year of marriage. It is a pretty big deal to me. If only for the reason that I want Chris to celebrate it and pamper it as he has never done before. I don't know if that will happen. He doesn't take clues very easily - or if he does, he doesn't let on that he let on.

I mean, I literally will flat out say "You should do something very special because it is our first year marriage anniversary." And he will say he knows. But the second I say that, I hate myself because I want him to think of something on his own. This must be the classic female scenario. If you don't say something, he might not do something. If you say something, he will most likely do it and then you will think he did it just because you told him to.

Wow. We women really make life so difficult. Hah.

Either way, tomorrow is the big one year. August 26th. We have made it through one year of marriage. It has mostly been tough. I will say that. It has not been easy. Each day is a struggle. And a lot of days I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, the majority of the days, I lose the struggle to be kind. To give the benefit of the doubt. To start to trust. To laugh. I lose the struggle.

It is sad, actually. Because I will get home from work, and I will shut down. I turn evil. And not evil evil, but I close up towards him. I put on my hard shell. I do not have fun, and that is my own doing. Instead of loosening up and joking and enjoying myself, I shut down and don't do any of the aforementioned things. I am cold. I am cold towards him.

It is slightly late and I am slightly tired so I am slightly rambling. But to sum it up. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I will tell you what he does and if he makes me proud.

Gave up

I feel refreshed and wonderful this morning. It is Friday so that could be one of the reasons. Also, I feel like things are a little more settled. My parents are coming for dinner on Sunday night (oh, no!! diet will be out the window!), and Chris and I are going to Florida on Wednesday for a week. It will be nice to regroup and to refocus on our relationship.

This morning when I got to work, I read a blog that really reminded me of me. Mantramine posted some incredible things. She talked about how she had already walked away from her husband in her heart and how she was excited to no longer have him, or more likely, this problem of drug addiction in her life.

This affected me so much, I cannot even put it into words. I withdrew from my husband as well. Strange, I was going to write "she was excited to give up on him." The words give up are not what I meant at all, at least not in the sense they are usually meant. I meant it in the way that I change it to. But when I read that giving up, what I myself wrote, I realized how accurate that was in my own life.

When I first came to grips with the fact that Chris was addicted to crack cocaine, not only did I feel relief but I felt that we could work through it now. Now that the truth was out. But as I delved further into how deep his lies had taken us and as I realized how seriously in trouble we were in on so many levels, it seemed impossible.

And soon, I didn't want it in my life. I didn't want him in my life. I, in essence, gave up. And I don't think it was because I was weak. I don't think it was because I didn't love him anymore. It was because he had caused too much damage. We had lost so much money, so much respect, so much freedom, and the worst thing to me was trust. I simply did not think I could get it back. And honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want to. I was excited to let go and be done with the entire situation.

Perhaps that was because I now knew I could make it on my own. Perhaps it was because if I had to go live with my parents no one could blame me. Perhaps it was because I knew that M would be there for me if I left Chris (when in all actuality M had no plans to be with me). But I had walked away from him in my heart.

When I finally decided to walk back, it was so hard. I still am not fully there. Like Mantramine said, "detached" if she goes back. And it is not only hard to go back, but it is hard to be detached to begin with. It's hard all around.

So I am back. I am back in my heart. I care. I do. And I am giving this a fighting chance. The detachment is different. It is so hard not to wonder if he has used again, why he is gone so long, why he is not answering his phone - so many things. But it's one step at a time for me, one day at a time. I hope one day I can be fully there, not always guarding my heart.

Detachment is different than what I mean there, I believe. But it is hard nonetheless. Each day is difficult, sometimes increasingly so. But if I really want it, I can do it.

Budgeting

We sat down after I got off work last night and discussed our finances. We layed out a budget, which has been too long in coming. Then he called credit card companies to see what he could do about setting up a payment plan. It was a huge blessing - combined, two credit card companies dropped over $1500 for us. Not like we are special, but they dropped the late payments and overcharges and interest. I feel like we are not so deep in debt now.

We are still deep, but now it is beyond reasonable. We can pay things off a lot quicker than before. I feel so much better. It was also really nice to sit down and discuss things and handle things like adults. To figure out how much we are taking in and how much we can put out.

The next step is rebuilding our credit and I think that will be much easier than this. We do not plan on using our credit cards unless for emergencies, and now I can't wait to buy a house. My friend's sister has her realtor's license so I was able to look at houses we could afford. It is so exciting even though it is so far away. I can't wait to build that dream - to have our own house, and have our animals there, and get a puppy.

It is so exciting. Even though I do need a new car. Either way, I am so satisfied and happy that we finally got what was looming over my head settled. Now we just have to keep track of when bills are due and how much of it is due.

One baby step though - a giant leap for mankind.

Migraines & Marriages

Last night was a kind of awakening night for me. I am one of those people who are afflicted with migraines. And last night was one of those lovely nights. I stupidly did not take any medicine on the onset of it, and was left with a throbbing so painful I could barely close my eyes to sleep.

Chris and I fought a little which did not help, but as I lay there, my mind running over everything - running over the excruciating pain as well, I started to feel something. All these fights, all the little bitter, bickering arguments that amount to nothing but useless and stress - are pointless. They get us no where. And I don't care to do it anymore.

Pick my battles - that's what's important. And I don't care to be so petty, so trivial, and so immature. Yes, I am angry and yes, I am bitter. But I am not going to let that affect me in every area any more. I am going to work on that, much harder than in the past.

I am sick of fighting over such stupid stuff. Actually, I am sick of fighting in general! But I am, from now on, going to keep up the mantra "Not my bucket of sh*t." And "Pick my battles."

I am done being that way. And to add another goal to the pile, I am going to really start being happy with me. I am completely happy with me normally, but I am going to get my life the way I want it. And I know I am going to be content and happy with my life if Chris and I don't work out.

So this morning, I apologized for my part in the argument last night. I never apologize. But I did. And I am glad I did. We are on the right path. And while my migraine is still hiding behind the wall of Excedrin this afternoon, ready to spring, I know I can handle it.

Civilized Women

I guess I should just prepare myself for a fight pretty much once a week. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean huge, blow-up, out-and-out brawls. Like tonight.

It always starts with something so stupid. He didn't pick up some stuff in our apartment. I don't see why not. We just moved here. There is tons to do. And he was home 3 hours before me but he always has some stupid excuse.

I am too tired to expand, too exhausted, but it escalated (like normal) into a shouting and pushing match. Eventually, I told him to leave. And he did.

I just don't understand. How hard is it to just help me out? Just start putting things away. Just go downstairs to storage and put some fucking boxes away.

I have a found a new friend though. One I have mentioned a couple times. She works with me and has become my best friend. She goes though quite the same things as me and we are able to talk and vent at work and on the phone. We talk often. So tonight, I went over to her house.

We sat on her back patio and drank wine, like two civilized adult women, without a care in the world. Like two civilized adult women talking about our boring mundane lives. Funny, our conversations revolving around our addict men, our lovers who can't get their act together. Funny how our "civilized" talks are about so much more than what we should ever have to deal with.

I can't even be more grateful for what I have found in her. She has been my confidant, my friend, someone I can turn to with everything. It is so hard and so rare to find someone that you can talk to about your life without fear of being judged. I am going to cherish it and not take it for granted. Friends are hard to find. Good friends. I will not be quick to let her go. I feel fortunate to have someone like her around.

Have a good 4th, bloggers.

Co-dependence

Yes, I know. Another post! Two in one day!!

When I go to bed at night, I am like many other people. I cannot turn off my brain. Things I have to do run through, my mind thinks up the strangest ideas, and I seem to focus on interesting viewpoints of my life. And last night, there was no exception.

I was thinking about the blog situation as I layed in bed last night. I was thinking about the sick little game I play. The game is simple. To me, at least. I pride myself in being strong. In being brave, in being independent, in being able to handle anything.

I thought last night about myself, how strange I am. I crave Chris' attention, I crave his acceptance. I want him to be okay, to like, to love, everything I do at all times. If I want to work out, if I want to get back down to a size 2 like I was before he kept me up all night being gone, if I want to have a blog, if I want to make dinner, if I want to shower - I want him to adore everything I do. And at the same time, if he is annoyed or thinks I am stupid or doesn't agree with what I want, I say I don't care. I act like I don't care.

In reality, (come on, we all know reality!!), I am screaming out for his approval. Approval. Of me.

Let's get the facts straight. He is a druggie. A junkie. A crack addict. A man who is screwed me over so many times in the past, yet I want his fricken' approval. I want him to validate me.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I want everyone's approval which is a real freakin' let down. I am not supposed to be this way. This is a real eye-opener. I am actually admitting this out loud.

People's blogs I read, they all write about co-dependence. And all the while I was thinking, well lucky for me, I'm not that! So I did a little lesson today. I looked up co-dependence.

The facts, the characteristics, shocked me. I stopped reading half way down the list. Here they are:

• Positive feelings about themselves stem from being liked and accepted by others.
  
• Mental attention is focused on solving the problems of others or relieving their pain, and when these goals are accomplished, their self-esteem rises.
  
• Co-dependents tend to personalize all that happens around them, seeing everything as being directly related to them.
  
• Unless they are externally validated, they have difficulty trusting their own perceptions.
  
• Significant others' clothing, personal appearance and behavior are dictated by the co-dependent, as he or she feels that the significant other is a reflection of him or her.
  
• Co-dependents have unrealistic expectations of themselves, are unable to accept their own limitations, and use control and manipulation to avoid facing reality.
  
• They view themselves as failures when they cannot control everything or meet everyone's expectations.
  
• They fear rejection and abandonment, so they feel they must be involved and needed in every aspect of the lives of others. Not to be involved and needed equals abandonment.
  
• Co-dependents are not aware of how they feel; they are aware of how others feel. Co-dependents are not aware of what they want; they ask what others want. If they are not aware, they assume.
  
• Social circles diminish as they become more involved in their disease.
  
  

Just looking at this makes me want to scream. I could give an example for every single bullet point. I am co-dependent! I am sure tomorrow I will look at this and justify it. Hell, it could be later today! Either way, I hate admitting this.

Probably why I am a social worker. So I relieve people's pain.

But the flip side is, perhaps that's why I can't lose weight. Perhaps I am doomed to never be a size 2 again. Because I have an unrealistic expectation of myself. And because I am unable to accept my own limitations. I should be okay. I should swallow my sadness and throw out my cute skirts and shorts and be proud of my slightly larger body. Right?

Easier said than done.

Sharing

It's interesting. My previous post, "Back Story", came up quite a bit for me last night and this morning already, and it's only 8:30am!

Chris and I sat down last night, before bed, and hooked up the Ethernet cable at our new place. I wanted to come to my blog, so the computer slowly, (oh, so slowly!) took me there. Chris looked over at saw.

"Married to an Addict," he said. So matter-of-factly. I felt a mix of emotion. The kind where I so desperately wanted to show him, which brought up a whole 'nother bag of issues to deal with later, and the kind where I wanted to keep it to myself.

He read some of the title entries on the "posts" page. I read him The Junkys Wife Nicole Richie entry. I felt it fit perfectly for him - being a crazy crackhead and all.

He said I should read one I wrote, so I read one - a safe one of course.

It was the after feeling I completely hated. I wished so much that I hadn't read it to him. I wished that it was just mine. That is another issue with me. I hate sharing. That probably explains why I am so secretive, but I hate sharing anything in my life that I view as mine.

I don't mean crackers or a candy bar or money. I mean, if I view something as valuable to me, close to my heart, something personal and wonderful and only something I can understand, I do not want to share it. I feel like a little piece of me dies. Like a little piece of me is taken away when I share something, when I give up something.

I instantly regretted it. This something was mine. It was mine to share my life, to vent about the very man I was reading a post to. He would never understand its meaning to me. Even I don't fully understand its meaning to me!

Chris had known that I had a blog. He knew it was about him, our life, his addiction. And he didn't seem mad. He wasn't mad.

Maybe my problem with sharing comes from the fact that if I share, I let someone in. And if I let someone in, I have to deal with possibility of being hurt.

Too early in the morning for this.

A Quickie

No, not sex, silly!! We are finally in our new apartment - after a long and heavy Saturday. Today, we wasted a hundred bucks at Wal-Mart, a store I hate more than anything ever, and continued to try to unpack through the downpour of boxes.

I am not fully used to the whole new apartment thing. I kind of feel like we are living in a cabin and hotel. We have a balcony that we are grilling out on tonight, but the whole feel of the apartment is nothing like our old one. Our old one was an old Victorian, complete with the slanted ceilings, surrounded by windows. Covered in dust.

But now I have internet access!

I will write more tomorrow! Dinner is served!!

Grow up.

Why do I feel like a babysitter majority of the time? I feel like I am simply an underpaid nanny, telling the children what to do. "Brush your teeth, take a shower, take out the trash, clean the bird cage, vacuum up their poop, turn off your game, etc., etc."

All I want is someone who is a grown adult! It really is not that hard, I don't think. I just want someone, or more specifically, him!!, to act like a grown up. I really don't like having to yell at him or having to tell him how to take care of himself. I want him to do it on his own.

Perhaps it is just all the stress of moving that is causing me to want to punch him in his face. It's this Saturday and while we have a lot done, we don't really have that much done. It's hard to calculate what we need or don't need for the week. I don't want to pack stuff away and then need it five minutes later.

I am also annoyed because I don't know when we are actually getting in to our new place. Sometime before July 5th is the best I know. That sucks! I work too much to play these guessing games. I simply want to know a day, even if it is July 5th, so I can plan accordingly and know how this moving crap is going to work out.

The good thing about it is free cable and free Internet. I can finally get on the computer at home and not do it only at work!

I am hoping moving in there will be like a whole new start for us. New place, new neighbors, new location, just a new start with everything. I am hoping things will be better now. Maybe then I won't be a babysitter. I guess we'll see.

This blog entry certainly was all over the place! I am sure you get my drift. I am sick of babysitting a grown man. Get your act together. Know when to shave, when to shower, when to brush. It's a huge turn off. I should probably just stop telling him what to do and hope he realizes that he needs to grow up.

"August to February"

It came up again last night. The fact that he worked from "August to February" while I am working now. It did not go over well. Of course. What was he thinking? So I laid into him. I just cannot take that. It angers me so much.

How dare he say that. How dare he act like what I am doing right now is anywhere near to what he is doing. And all my explaining, and my yelling gets me nowhere.

Telling him I work 50 hours a week, telling him I get one day off a week since February, does nothing. I exploded in a fit of memories. The sad thing, or maybe the good thing, is that these memories no longer pain me. They no longer hurt me, or make me cry. They are now just facts. Just moments of my life that I can no longer get back. Just facts.

The memory I happened to remind him of last night was being a young newlywed, and home every night faithfully, and cooking and cooking and cooking. I made the most deluxe, gourmet, delicious meals I could. All sorts of chicken dishes, experiments with potatoes, noodles, steak. I was truly the most perfect housewife. The classic housewife.

How many nights were there - I lost track - where I would spend hours cooking and perfecting, and he would not show up? So often. I would eat by myself, barely able to taste these delicious meals, in front of the TV.

So last night, we lay in bed, and I chastised him for ten minutes straight, telling him it was not the same. Me working my ass off? Not the same at all. I work, I am working. I am not out smoking crack. I am not getting high. I am working every minute I say I am working. And all that money I get? I bring it home. I bring it home and attempt to pay portions of bills before I even allow myself the slightest gratification of buying something for myself.

And what did he do? I'm sure he knows. But to remind him - he invested in drugs first. He invested in his physical and mental high before he realized he had no money left to pay the bills. And we were forced again to ask for help. And I went through another month of stress, wondering how in the world we would pay rent.

Sacrificing myself - telling him that sure, we could eat macaroni every day. Sure, Ramen noodles. In order to save money. And all along, we never really had to do that. All along, he was an addict.

After the fight last night, or, more accurately, I once again went on and on at him, we lay there in silence. I longed to touch him. I wanted to feel his skin under my fingers, to feel him there. But I kept myself full of pride. I didn't allow myself the satisfaction of feeling him. He was naughty. He needed to be punished.

Maybe I was the one who was punished after that outburst. He said one thing the entire time, and I don't even remember what it was. Even after I was done with my verbal assaults, he lay there in silence. I know he was awake. He went to the bathroom afterwards. I felt bad. But not bad enough.

I want him to have a taste, just a taste, of what it is like to be in my shoes. What it was like. Did he never think about his wife at home, crying? Staring out at the window at every car passing by, wondering where her husband was? No. He didn't think of that. And I want him to understand how it was for me. I want him to see, to feel, how it was in my shoes.

But he never will. Will I always be like this towards him? Because while I am no longer sad about the past, I am full of anger. Full of anger and more substantially, hate.

Friends in the city

We went out with friends this weekend, Saturday night. We went to a family-style Italian restaurant in the city. It was my best friend, and one of my close friends and their boyfriends.

It was a good time, which surprised me kind of. It was intimate, and Chris is usually a shy person which comes off as quite snobby. However, perhaps due to the camaraderie within the group, he opened up quite quickly. It was nice actually.

It was nice to be with friends, calm and normal people, and not be fighting. There is something about being with your friends and your husband. I feel so close to him. He's mine. No one else's. And there is something about having that soul next to you, knowing their there.

Taking a bite out of their food, sharing drinks. It is so hard to put words to, but having that intimate connection with someone. I loved it. I love it. I could feel him with me, and loved having him there.

We went for a nice walk after that, late in the dark, and then made love. It was one of the best love-making times we have had. He is such a passionate lover. He is full of consideration. He has always been like that. Making sure I am satisfied, making sure things are perfect for me too. It is a little disconcerting - but it is sweet.

With each day, I can forgive a little more. I can be patient a little more. I can love a little more.

Money Problems

The world without the internet is a sad thing, isn't it? I am at my parents house, on my sister's computer, wishing I could do this at home, on my own computer.

We had a fight this morning. Over something that should not have blown up so huge. I'm sure the neighbors think we are sorrily married.

He went to the casino on Friday. With my permission, not blessings. He told me he was only taking out $30, perhaps $40. However, I asked today what he took out and we were coming back from a bike ride, such good athletes, and he was silent. I knew what that meant. That he knew I'd be mad. He told me he took out $80. He needed gas, he needed money for gambling.

I was upset. I didn't quite blow up, but I said he didn't say $80. He said he told me he was taking fifty out for the casino and twenty for gas. Shocker. I never heard such a thing.

It's not like I think he's buying crack with it, but it is the principal. Can you not tell the truth for one second in your life? Stop giving excuses. You were wrong. It is not your money to throw away. We need to save, we need to pay our bills, we need to eat.

It escalated miserably. I slammed the house door as hard as possible and he rammed my mom's bike across the grass until it hurtled to the ground. The anger went up and he called me names and said fuck you, and I told him I wanted a divorce and I meant it.

It went on for at least twenty minutes, till I managed to get in the shower. I got a new tattoo the night before, and did my best to keep it from getting pounded as I leaned against the tile, crying incessantly. It was a loud crying, one of those where you can't keep the noises that come with it inside.

All because he took out too much money.

Moving

My life is quieter than normal lately. I have no ups and downs to write about, no new information on Chris. He has his first meeting with his probation officer on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Chris and I are moving at the end of June, to a new apartment a city away. It will be mixed feelings. I like our neighbors so much right now, but I hate our landlord. Our apartment itself is cute and quaint, but it is dirty and not well kept but the previously mentioned landlord.

I am excited to move though. My cousin is the manager of the new complex and is giving us a deal on our unit. So much is included with the rent and grounds are kept up so well. The only hassle is actually going through the whole moving process.

It's quiet there though, so when Chris and I do fight, we will have to keep it much quieter than it is now.