Last Post..For Now

I was reading a fellow blogger's account...The Junky's Wife...and saw that she decided to be done writing for now because of "other stories". I tend to agree. Not because I am copying her but because I have been leaving this blog open for months on end and not writing anything. Perhaps it would be better to close this blog out.

While I will always face constant reminders of what Chris did at the beginning of our marriage and before, I am moving on and feel the need to let this blog go. It was invaluable to me, along with all of your comments. It would be wrong for me to leave it open, only for me to come to it once in awhile.

I feel that our marriage has improved so much and I am continually working on things that are still wrong, and ways to improve it. Thank you all so much for your support through these last few years.

My email address on the left will remain in tact and I will check it more often than I have been lately. I will continue to blog as well, but about different parts of my life. If you click into my profile, you will be able to see where I am now.

Again, thank you. And I can only hope that this touched at least one person going through something similiar to what I went through.

Impotence

I've been thinking a lot lately of our first year of marriage.

I don't even recognize who I was back then. How did I get through that? I had no one...or at least, I let no one in. I don't know the person who made it through the nights where he didn't come home until the early morning hours. I don't know how I cooked him a meal every night, only to have it sit in the fridge until 3am - most nights, not even getting eaten. I don't even recognize myself from back then.

However, I see one remnant...almost daily...to remind me of that part of our lives. It's a painful one, and it rests solely on me. I'm sad to say it but our intimate life...the side that husbands and wives should cherish, the side where you express your love...it has all but left. For me.

When we were younger, when we were teenagers, all I wanted to do was to touch him. I wanted to feel his tongue in my mouth, and hold him in my hand. I could barely keep myself off of him. In fact, some days, we were like exhibitionists.

But something happened. I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know where. But I stopped feeling that way. I can't entirely blame it on him, because if you have been following this, you know I cheated on him during our engagement. I am not sure if it's because of this that left me not wanting him. Or if it's because of the crack.

It's not like I still want that other person. There is no one else. But I am closed off to him, and I am clueless as to how to re-open.

He craves me. He physically craves me. He reaches for me, he touches me, and instead of re-coiling, I'm just numb to his touch. It means nothing. When he is inside me, I am doing it solely for him. I don't care to do it at all. It is nothing I look forward to.

This really scares me. We have been through a lot and if he were to cheat on me, honestly, I couldn't blame him. I do nothing. I do it out of guilt, and enjoy none of it.

It makes me sound horrible. It makes me sound like a freak.

I was on meds for awhile while we were married. Perhaps that f-cked up my sex drive. I don't know. All I know is that I want it back.

I want to embrace him and to feel wanting for him. To feel physical desire towards him and with him and to feel that sexual passion ignite again and to never want to be away. I have tried everything. I have tried romantic things, forceful things, dominating things - nothing puts me in that place.

And it's hard to think it's just him because I feel this way towards everything. I simply have no desire to do anything sexual.

Is this salvageable? I don't know. I just know I really want it back.

Good Evening

Hello Fellow Bloggers. I cannot believe it has been SO long since I have last checked in.
I have made it. I am a teacher. And I love it! It was so scary and the days are long, and some are so tough!, but it is worth it. I love all of the boys. They each have something so unique to bring to the table.

Things with Chris are going great. He has been sober now for two years. Can you believe it?? I can't. Things have changed so completely. I look back on that time of my life with amazement. I wonder often...how did I get through it? How did I ever fall asleep at night? It seems like I was such a different person - which really, I was. I remember all the little things that I did or didn't do that were so different and how I got through it. It is so ... such a lifetime ago.

I just wanted to give a quick update. I have been incredibly busy and have really forgot all about this...this time in my life that feels like a million years ago. But I will check in more frequently. I hope I can be of help to anyone who needs it. If I made it through that, and it could spring up anytime, I know anyone else can.

SVU Mates

There is a man who lives across from me. I don't know who he is, what he does, or if anyone lives with him. All I know is that he only leaves his apartment once or twice a day and he is always wearing jeans. He is never dressed up...I don't know if he has a job. And he never walks to his garage for his car. He walks the opposite way.

What I know, from a random occurrence when I glanced across the divide between our homes, was that his TV was turned onto the show that I can't seem to get enough of - Law & Order: SVU. Now, whenever I am watching it, I can't seem to stop glancing over once or twice to see if he is watching too. And he usually is! However, it is not the same episode I am watching, which leads me to believe he records it...as do I. And though I have never met this strange man, I feel like we are two kindred spirits.

I mean, he may not work; he may be loaded. He may be a psycho. He may just sit in his house all day. But you know what? At least he watches SVU.

Yes

Nearly three months since my last post.

I switched careers. To teaching. I was in social work, for those of you that need a refresher. I have been enjoying the transition...until today. I applied and was accepted into an accelerated teaching program and loved it, and loved the kids I worked with during summer school, but in a few SO SHORT weeks, I will be in charge of my own classroom of 9 students in special education. I will lead them through this school year and help them grow and learn.

I met the principal today. And the principal's assistant. I received mixed messages. Looks of disdain, disbelief, annoyance. I know I look young. I am young. But that does not make me incompetent. Once these people told me what I would be experiencing, like I didn't know, I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

How can this be? I have been feeling called to this - I have seen signs directing me to go in this direction. And when someone simply challenges my thoughts or makes me feel inadequate I want to give up? That is my own downfall and I cannot let it continue.

They warned me of it all. They warned me of what these 9 boys will do. I felt small and insignificant, someone who surely can't make a change in this world - in THEIR world. I will be teaching in the inner city. I am not familiar, at least, not as much, with this way of life, but I know a lot about it and I believe I can make a difference, if merely a small one. Having people doubt me just makes it worse. I want someone to encourage me and to say, even if untrue, that I WILL be able to handle it.

I took a tour of the school and saw my own classroom. Instead of a rush of excitement to decorate my own classroom and to make it my own, I felt discouraged. I don't know if I can do it. How can I demand authority? What if they don't listen, which they won't? When a student runs from the classroom, who goes after him...me or the paraprofessional? I can't leave the other 8 by themselves!

More and more questions present themselves and I am feeling continuously let down. During this small break, it didn't seem real but now that I have seen the classroom, I know it is, and I now have a limited amount of time to prepare. Lessons, classroom management, classroom decor, etc. I only have a week and a half and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know these kids! I don't know their needs, their weaknesses. What do I do the first week of school?

I just feel so surprised and so shaken up, but by what? I knew what I was getting into. It is not a shock. Maybe now that I see how much responsibility I have. Now that I see that I have so much to do in this short time, I am feeling stressed and anxious and rushed and don't know how it will be that first day. Who these kids are.

Anyways. That's been my life.