Yes

Nearly three months since my last post.

I switched careers. To teaching. I was in social work, for those of you that need a refresher. I have been enjoying the transition...until today. I applied and was accepted into an accelerated teaching program and loved it, and loved the kids I worked with during summer school, but in a few SO SHORT weeks, I will be in charge of my own classroom of 9 students in special education. I will lead them through this school year and help them grow and learn.

I met the principal today. And the principal's assistant. I received mixed messages. Looks of disdain, disbelief, annoyance. I know I look young. I am young. But that does not make me incompetent. Once these people told me what I would be experiencing, like I didn't know, I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

How can this be? I have been feeling called to this - I have seen signs directing me to go in this direction. And when someone simply challenges my thoughts or makes me feel inadequate I want to give up? That is my own downfall and I cannot let it continue.

They warned me of it all. They warned me of what these 9 boys will do. I felt small and insignificant, someone who surely can't make a change in this world - in THEIR world. I will be teaching in the inner city. I am not familiar, at least, not as much, with this way of life, but I know a lot about it and I believe I can make a difference, if merely a small one. Having people doubt me just makes it worse. I want someone to encourage me and to say, even if untrue, that I WILL be able to handle it.

I took a tour of the school and saw my own classroom. Instead of a rush of excitement to decorate my own classroom and to make it my own, I felt discouraged. I don't know if I can do it. How can I demand authority? What if they don't listen, which they won't? When a student runs from the classroom, who goes after him...me or the paraprofessional? I can't leave the other 8 by themselves!

More and more questions present themselves and I am feeling continuously let down. During this small break, it didn't seem real but now that I have seen the classroom, I know it is, and I now have a limited amount of time to prepare. Lessons, classroom management, classroom decor, etc. I only have a week and a half and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know these kids! I don't know their needs, their weaknesses. What do I do the first week of school?

I just feel so surprised and so shaken up, but by what? I knew what I was getting into. It is not a shock. Maybe now that I see how much responsibility I have. Now that I see that I have so much to do in this short time, I am feeling stressed and anxious and rushed and don't know how it will be that first day. Who these kids are.

Anyways. That's been my life.

At my parent's

I tell you, the computer life is not coming easy with me lately! Now my wireless card died. Yes, it really sucks.

I am house-sitting and dog-sitting while my parents are in Italy for almost two weeks! Yay for them! But, I would like to get on my own computer and read Cunty and type my own Cunty and do all sorts of things that my parents wouldn't approve of. But I can't because my wireless card hates me. So now I have to wait in the mail for one to be sent to me. It sucks. The senders better hurry up or I will have to kick some sender's b-u-t-t.

I am in a rare mood today. I am feeling better and optimistic about the job - finally. I have my own cases now and I am still the secondary person on them, but that is fine. I need time to learn. I am also getting to know the people I work with better and I am starting to like them as well.

Last night I went out with my best friend and we had a few drinks. We were supposed to go out for lunch today with S but my friend is not answering her phone. I hope everything is okay. Also, for those of you who were concerned and who remember, she (Rae) ended up breaking up with that guy. The possessive one. He still calls and she still fights with him, but they are no longer together. I feel really bad. She went through a lot for him and is left with nothing.

My ex-friend who was my ex-lover, for all of you who remember that, called yesterday and I did not answer the call. I was proud of myself for that.

I really want to get back to reading everyone's blogs and being at my parent's is the perfect time to do that, if only I had my computer. I hope it will be soon. I miss the cats and birds at home, but Chris has been going over there to spend time with them and I have went for a little each day as well.

All right, that was a jumbled heap of information but I do not have much time and I hate being in this centipedie basement. Until next time!

Still here

I am still alive and apologize for not writing sooner!

An update on my previous post "Oh, addicts": S was not on a bender. S skipped out of work. He called into work at 3pm, saying that he just took a day off. The short of it is that he wanted to prove to B that if B wants to dispense of him, he can do it. He didn't want to put up with B's constant criticism. He didn't want to come to work and deal with it.

On the one hand, I could completely understand. I could even agree. B is just...it's hard to even come up with a word that single handily covers all of the issues. I can see why S would not want to come in. I didn't want to either.

But. On the other hand, to go about executing your plan like that is selfish. I was worried sick. Rae and my office manager were worried as well. And to simply call in at 3pm saying you were golfing gives one relief but it also filled me with so much anger. How could he be that selfish as not to think that other people are really worried about him?

B never got ahold of him and they haven't spoken yet. I am going out of town tomorrow and Wednesday and will not be around to see what happens.

That is the short version. B also apologized to me for his rude behaviour though he continued to act the same after his apology was over.

I just wanted to let you all know that I will be back in full-fledged action on Wednesday night or Thursday.

Oh, addicts

I am really worried. S, whom I have spoken about before on here many times, has not showed up for work today. It's 1:40pm. He told me he would meet me here at 8 so we could talk. He had two business meetings. He has not shown up. He has not called. He has not answered his phone for anyone. His mom (who works for us) doesn't know where he is.

I am worried because he is an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic to be precise. He has been on and off the wagon for 6 months, and was doing pretty good. But B has been up his butthole lately. I know he has been stressed out. He has a problem with drugs and alcohol. Chris has told me to have him go to a meeting with him. S has said he would sometime. But that has yet to be seen.

I am worried. Strangely, it reminds me so much of Chris. It reminds me of when he would not answer or come home or call or anything. And I would go out looking for him. I would drive around looking for his car. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Granted, it was 50 times worse when it was Chris, but this is a fraction of that feeling. I recognize it and hate it.

He is my friend, my good friend, and it is not like him to not show up or call. He is not that irresponsible. He is dedicated to work. So that is why I am worried.

For now, I just sit here waiting to hear something. For now, I just call his phone every hour to see if for some reason he answers. But what happens when he does? Do I offer him some company of myself and my addict husband?

I hope he is okay. He needs to call.

Give me a break!!

Have I ever written about my boss? I don't think I really have. Not the real boss, that is. I have written about my friend the boss, but this boss is nothing like my friend. He is the same person. He has many different personalities.

B has been my boss since February. I liked him since my interview. He is outgoing, friendly, funny - just a fun person to be around. However, he is also the most unique person I have ever met. He is obsessed, in a way that I have never seen, with sex. His life is sex. Now I know there are people out there (I used to be one of them!) who love sex and crave it constantly, but he is beyond normal. He constantly talks about every different kind of sex you can think of. He makes extremely inappropriate remarks, and is a frequent shopper at our local porn shop. He violates the women employees in many ways, but often gives kindly $100 bills "for no reason."

For awhile, I thought he was nice. I thought he was just being kind and compassionate to us poor folks who need money. But I figured it out after awhile that he is basically paying us to stay quiet. Paying us to let him be crude and rude and wrong. He has done so many inappropriate things that I do not even want to mention on here because it is embarrassing and humiliating. Maybe I will mention them on Cuntface.

As I got to know B, he turned out to be nothing like what I originally thought. This is shameful to me because I am usually excellent at reading people and judging them on first impressions. Lately, he has been a real asshole.

He is the owner of the company and has worked with S, my other boss just under B, for the last 15 years. Yet he still does not trust S. S has never stolen, never done anything wrong to B. He is in constant watch over S, checking his timesheets, checking all of his work, and constantly down-talking him behind his back.

My loyalty used to be to B. Perhaps it's because he used to slip me bills, or perhaps it's because I felt "closer" to him. But then I started to work with S. S has become one of my good friends. I see all the work he does. He is not a sexual harasser. Also, I work directly for S.

Yesterday, B came into my office, saw S's payroll (I do all payroll) and complained about it in a not-so-subtle way, yet not-so-verbal way as well. I asked him point blank if there was anything more he would like to see. After typing into his calculator (yes, he is one of those), he said no. He found out all he needed to know - as if he was paying S too much. Let me also state here that this company has no benefits. None. S has never had benefits through this company.

So besides that annoying me, he then proceeded to asked why I had not made S' hours available on the "server" before he left for vacation. We got into a little disagreement then about how I had, they were there, and he just didn't know how to access them. B then went out to ask the computer guy to show him.

I sent him a message stating that I was leaving. And I left. A couple minutes later I get a call from Rae that is saying that he wants the print out of the the payroll. Through a series of events that I will not bore you with, he exploded on Rae about how nothing ever gets done the way he wants. No one listens to him. He then complained to my office manager about how she was not supposed to tell S what he said about S' payroll.

I realize this is getting long and I'm sure it will mean nothing to all of you, but the long and short of it is that he is a huge jerk. He takes everyone for granted, is unappreciative, a micro-manager, rude, and wrong on all sorts of levels.

So today, I was all prepared for a fight. Normally after disagreeing with him for a minute, I will say okay or something to just end it. But I was ready today. I am done being demeaned and disrespected and I was ready to go at it. But he has ignored me all day. It was fine at first, but now I just want to yell at him and get it off my chest. Stop being so immature. We are not 8. We don't ignore. We talk about our problems.

Then again, he has been immature since day 1. What was once his charm is now his downfall.

Not How I Planned It

I told my co-workers today. Yes, I told S and my boss and my manager. It was really nervewracking, and since I am an emotional crazy person, I feel pretty wiped out from all of it.

It turns out that my good friend Rae (the one in the last bunch of posts) told S. And S in turn told my boss. S took me out for coffee this morning to go over work things and in the meantime, as we were working, he asked if he could interrupt for a moment. And then he said "Are you going to tell me or not?" I looked at him for awhile and then said "I don't want to."

I acted like a fool afterwards and started to cry. He is a good friend to me and was nice about it but I felt like a moron.

I was actually really mad at Rae because while she did help a little by making it easier, I feel like it made me look like a coward for not telling them myself. We all know the reason I didn't. I didn't want to tell them over the phone while I was in Florida. I wanted to tell them in person, but she beat me to it.

She is texting me now, telling me that she didn't mean to but that S was being very pushy. It really doesn't matter. Everyone but my immediate manager knew. I wish they didn't partially - so I could have told them, but I am also a little glad they did know, like I said.

Either way, I wish they would have heard it first from me. S and I finished our coffee and talked about some other life things - it was all around a nice coffee time and he was understanding. I was and still am sad about leaving these people that I have grown to care about tremendously, but it is high time for this position. I have been waiting awhile, and am so excited for it. While I will miss these people a lot, it is time for me to move into a position that I will love - something I enjoy doing and something that I look forward to coming to every day. It is time to start my career.

So tomorrow I have my physical for my new job. Eeks! I hate blood withdrawals and stuff. I'll let you know how that goes.

This post is kind of all over the place so when I am feeling a little more up to it, I will post more details if anyone cares.

Interview!!

I have an interview today, yay!! Finally, finally, FINALLY, in social work with children - the exact reason I went into this field. I am so very excited, but trying to limit myself because I know the chances are slim I will get the job.

They want the new hire to have their Master's degree and I have not yet begun to climb that slope. I wanted to get a job in my field before I went back to school. I am hoping that this is the lead I need, and that even if I don't get this particular job, that other interviews will come my way.

I am so excited about this possibility. This particular job seems like something I would love to do. I hope I impress them with my wonderful friendly skills, and with the little professional experience I do have. I hope they see something in me worth hiring.

I know there are many other candidates, probably some who are much more qualified than me, but everyone has to start somewhere!!

Eeeks!! My excitement needs to be tamed so I am not disappointed if/when I don't get it.