Good Evening

Hello Fellow Bloggers. I cannot believe it has been SO long since I have last checked in.
I have made it. I am a teacher. And I love it! It was so scary and the days are long, and some are so tough!, but it is worth it. I love all of the boys. They each have something so unique to bring to the table.

Things with Chris are going great. He has been sober now for two years. Can you believe it?? I can't. Things have changed so completely. I look back on that time of my life with amazement. I wonder often...how did I get through it? How did I ever fall asleep at night? It seems like I was such a different person - which really, I was. I remember all the little things that I did or didn't do that were so different and how I got through it. It is so ... such a lifetime ago.

I just wanted to give a quick update. I have been incredibly busy and have really forgot all about this...this time in my life that feels like a million years ago. But I will check in more frequently. I hope I can be of help to anyone who needs it. If I made it through that, and it could spring up anytime, I know anyone else can.

Yes

Nearly three months since my last post.

I switched careers. To teaching. I was in social work, for those of you that need a refresher. I have been enjoying the transition...until today. I applied and was accepted into an accelerated teaching program and loved it, and loved the kids I worked with during summer school, but in a few SO SHORT weeks, I will be in charge of my own classroom of 9 students in special education. I will lead them through this school year and help them grow and learn.

I met the principal today. And the principal's assistant. I received mixed messages. Looks of disdain, disbelief, annoyance. I know I look young. I am young. But that does not make me incompetent. Once these people told me what I would be experiencing, like I didn't know, I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

How can this be? I have been feeling called to this - I have seen signs directing me to go in this direction. And when someone simply challenges my thoughts or makes me feel inadequate I want to give up? That is my own downfall and I cannot let it continue.

They warned me of it all. They warned me of what these 9 boys will do. I felt small and insignificant, someone who surely can't make a change in this world - in THEIR world. I will be teaching in the inner city. I am not familiar, at least, not as much, with this way of life, but I know a lot about it and I believe I can make a difference, if merely a small one. Having people doubt me just makes it worse. I want someone to encourage me and to say, even if untrue, that I WILL be able to handle it.

I took a tour of the school and saw my own classroom. Instead of a rush of excitement to decorate my own classroom and to make it my own, I felt discouraged. I don't know if I can do it. How can I demand authority? What if they don't listen, which they won't? When a student runs from the classroom, who goes after him...me or the paraprofessional? I can't leave the other 8 by themselves!

More and more questions present themselves and I am feeling continuously let down. During this small break, it didn't seem real but now that I have seen the classroom, I know it is, and I now have a limited amount of time to prepare. Lessons, classroom management, classroom decor, etc. I only have a week and a half and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know these kids! I don't know their needs, their weaknesses. What do I do the first week of school?

I just feel so surprised and so shaken up, but by what? I knew what I was getting into. It is not a shock. Maybe now that I see how much responsibility I have. Now that I see that I have so much to do in this short time, I am feeling stressed and anxious and rushed and don't know how it will be that first day. Who these kids are.

Anyways. That's been my life.