NA

Chris tried out a new NA meeting on Tuesday this week. Since he is now ordered to attend two a week, he tried a different one that he has never been too. He called frantic, late, looking for the church name. He only arrived two minutes late, and called to tell me that he was not going in - he was late.


I said that was stupid, drove 1/2 an hour, and get in there. He called ten minutes later and told me it sucked. He said no one came and greeted him, no one was friendly, and it was stupid. He left.

I had mixed feelings about this. He only gave it ten minutes! I said that to him, but apparently his other group was extremely friendly and greeted and included him right away.

I do not want him to be uncomfortable or feel like an outsider, but sometimes you have to tough things out at first and it will get better. Life is not always some warm cushy place. And since he has to go to two a week from now on, he is going to have to be a little more persistent in sticking with a place.

He attended another one last night. He stayed through this whole one. We only talked about it for a little but he seemed to enjoy this one more.

It's hard to have him leave two times a week now. It's hard to trust that's where he is. I'm used to him leaving or being gone so often that all trust has vanished.

Money Problems

The world without the internet is a sad thing, isn't it? I am at my parents house, on my sister's computer, wishing I could do this at home, on my own computer.

We had a fight this morning. Over something that should not have blown up so huge. I'm sure the neighbors think we are sorrily married.

He went to the casino on Friday. With my permission, not blessings. He told me he was only taking out $30, perhaps $40. However, I asked today what he took out and we were coming back from a bike ride, such good athletes, and he was silent. I knew what that meant. That he knew I'd be mad. He told me he took out $80. He needed gas, he needed money for gambling.

I was upset. I didn't quite blow up, but I said he didn't say $80. He said he told me he was taking fifty out for the casino and twenty for gas. Shocker. I never heard such a thing.

It's not like I think he's buying crack with it, but it is the principal. Can you not tell the truth for one second in your life? Stop giving excuses. You were wrong. It is not your money to throw away. We need to save, we need to pay our bills, we need to eat.

It escalated miserably. I slammed the house door as hard as possible and he rammed my mom's bike across the grass until it hurtled to the ground. The anger went up and he called me names and said fuck you, and I told him I wanted a divorce and I meant it.

It went on for at least twenty minutes, till I managed to get in the shower. I got a new tattoo the night before, and did my best to keep it from getting pounded as I leaned against the tile, crying incessantly. It was a loud crying, one of those where you can't keep the noises that come with it inside.

All because he took out too much money.

New

I went out again last night. People from work again, except this particular man went as well, with his girlfriend. There were also two other work people there.

I can tell you it was not as fun as previously. Perhaps because there was all this tension with him and I couldn't relax. However, as the night wore on, and him and his girlfriend wore beyond wasted, I found comfort in the fact that it really doesn't matter.

No longer am I on the dating scene. I am not running after men, I am not/should not! be interested in anyone else. And all I could think about was going home. I just wanted to go home. I was thinking to myself, "I am missing Frasier for this!?"

I even called Chris at one point to pick me up, but he was sleeping and I didn't have the heart to tell him to come get me when he works early. I toughed it out.

I have no tolerance, no patience, for people who are drunk. Everyone was well on their way to becoming so, but I just wanted to crawl into bed next to Chris and feel his skin under my hand. And so when I got home, I did just that.

The apartment was freezing, and the warm contact was a weird feeling. But I made a decision last night. To stop acting like a flirt. To be content, or show it at least, because I am. I am done with the old me.

And this morning, I put on the new me.

Moving

My life is quieter than normal lately. I have no ups and downs to write about, no new information on Chris. He has his first meeting with his probation officer on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Chris and I are moving at the end of June, to a new apartment a city away. It will be mixed feelings. I like our neighbors so much right now, but I hate our landlord. Our apartment itself is cute and quaint, but it is dirty and not well kept but the previously mentioned landlord.

I am excited to move though. My cousin is the manager of the new complex and is giving us a deal on our unit. So much is included with the rent and grounds are kept up so well. The only hassle is actually going through the whole moving process.

It's quiet there though, so when Chris and I do fight, we will have to keep it much quieter than it is now.

Pure sex

There's this guy. One of those people that you feel nothing towards but pure sexual attraction. Raw sex. He is just one of those people that you just want to fuck.

He works as a mechanic for our company, and I had the pleasure of meeting him before anyone else did. Before he was even technically hired. It was from there.

He is older than me - more than a decade older to be precise, but he is crazy sexy. He flirted incessantly with me for awhile, telling me he would take me out to dinner, etc., when we would joke around. Until he finally asked if I had a boyfriend. I played it off coyly. Two days later, he met my husband.

After that, he told me I was married and he didn't know that and "we couldn't do this" or something, when in reality all we were doing was talking on the phone.

Nothing has happened. And nothing will. I am horrifyingly loyal, and he has a girlfriend as well. But I saw him today, and spent time with him as he worked on my car.

There is nothing sexier and more powerful than seeing a man doing his job.

I don't know what it is with me - I always fall for the bad boys. The guy is not a winner. He has been in and out of jail, has kids, and the list can go on. Chris is nothing to write home about, obviously. And B, another guy I dated, looked completely hard-core but was nothing like that. He had the cleanest record I have ever come across. That didn't last.

Could that be the reason? I need drama? Maybe he was seriously beautiful, but not dangerous enough for me. I don't know.

Either way, I am not a cheating spouse. I have no intention of cheating. In fact, I have every intention to NOT cheat. I just thought I would write about pure sexual attraction.