Wednesday, October 31, 2007

No change

Wow. Eternity, I know. I have been so unmotivated and so busy with work, I just come home and do nothing. Chris and I had a monster of an argument on Monday night. He went to his NA meeting and didn't come home until after midnight. Midnight!! You bloggers are only the second people I am telling about this. Of course, I called my best friend and she walked me through things. What the fuck was he doing?

It was horrible. I was catapulted back to 9 months ago. Exactly nine months on Monday. I was panicky, I was scared, I was terrified, I was fucking pissed the fuck off. No answer, no reply, nothing from him.
I layed in bed and wondered how the hell I dealt with this on an almost daily basis. How did I get in bed and sleep? How did I not stay up freaking out all night till his fucking ass got home? How did I do any of that for months at a time? I was in a different mindset then, I must say. I was in survival mode.

His excuse? Some guy came in who had relapsed and Chris took it upon himself to stay and deal with him. Now, I don't fucking believe his bullshit. I don't believe it. But I know he wasn't doing drugs. I know what he was like before and that wasn't it, that Monday night. And he had been so excited that it was his 9-month anniversary. But I have no clue what he was doing.

Either way, whether or not he was telling the truth, answer your fucking phone. Pick it up and say you're alive. Pick up the fucking phone and say that yes, you are not arrested. Pick it up and text back. That was the worst part.

I know it was only one time. But he has not changed. I could justify his behavior in my head when he was on crack. It was the drugs. It was the drugs. But when he is clean and sober and "learned his lesson," he still goes out and does the same fucking thing. He has not made one single ounce of progress. That is what hurts the worst. The fact that I thought he was different. I thought he had changed. But he really hasn't. When it is broken down, I am still not the first priority. I am still not the number one and only one.

I can't even explain it adequately but I hope you all understand. I hope you understand how disappointing it was to realize that he is the same person, it just takes a different thing to make him behave that way. It didn't matter that it was the crack. It didn't matter that it was a guy who relapsed. As long as he feels that their is something else that warrants more attention or need, he will choose that over his own fucking wife. He will choose that over me.

My mind has froze.