Friday, December 07, 2007


Last night we were arguing. Nothing new, nothing surprising. Rae called and asked if we would go on a double date with a guy that she previously dated. I'm all for it, because lately it is the only way I can see Rae at all. But Chris - not so much. He is not a fan of the double dates.

The fight escalated into so many thing that it shouldn't have been. All I really wanted was for him to say okay. He doesn't have to enjoy it. But I just wanted him to sacrifice for me. Sacrifice a few hours of his life, and make me happy. We are going to dinner. There is food involved. It was turning into a huge deal and it was really hurting me. We have had this discussion so many times.
I know he doesn't enjoy the same things I do. I know he doesn't particularly want to go. But I don't really want him to be gone at NA's all the time.

The thing is, I don't think he really realizes how much I have sacrificed and lost for him. I know he does things around the house and he tries to be a good husband now, but that's it. It's now. It's not then. I know I probably need to forgive but that is way too easy to say. I just want him to realize what he put me through. I just want him to realize that for the first 7 months of our marriage, he was married to crack. He was never around. I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I lived alone. And when he "decided" through his arrest that he would become "clean", I lost him again to 3 nights of NA.

I don't want to sound like a complaining bitch who is not happy that he doing what he should be doing. I am glad that he is doing this - to get support, to have friends, to be involved with something greater than himself and greater than drugs. But at the same time, when he tells me I never do what HE wants, I believe in essence I am doing what HE wants every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, when I sit at home and veg in front of the tv. It is not my choice to be alone so often. I would love to go do something. I would love to do something every week, just the two of us.

There is a church thing. Every Wednesday. I would like to do that with my husband. But when I said that last night in the heat of the argument, he said "I'm sorry...but Wednesday's are my home group." Oh, your HOME group! Well, I'm sorry. I'm only your wife. Have never been the priority. but I would like to be.

I want him to get his priorities straight. I want him to WANT to put my first, not only do it because I tell him to.

It's not only about the fricken' double date. It's about compromise; it's about sacrifice. It's about doing things that you may not want to because you love that person. Apparently, I am way too far ahead of him for him to even try to grasp onto that knowledge.