PO Last Night

I told you I would update you on the PO meeting yesterday. Well, there is nothing to update. She couldn't find our house apparently, and Chris doesn't answer numbers that are restricted or unrecognized. So he didn't answer her call. He did call back and she returned his call later on that night, and their next meeting is scheduled for July 18th. I'm hoping that since it is so far away, she doesn't suspect him of doing drugs or at least doesn't seem him as one of her problem "clients".

So there is nothing really to report on that front. That's probably a good thing, thought I had gotten myself all mentally prepared to meet her to no avail. Oh well. Some other time.

She said she hasn't checked yet on the results of his mailed in drug test. Weird, right? I'm not quite sure why she hasn't looked. I'll assume all is well.

Work is calling!

Paris Hilton

Yes, I know. Against my better judgment, and perhaps against all sound mind, I watched her last night on Larry King Live.

I have mixed feelings about the entire situation with Ms. Hilton. She is fascinating to me, but then again, most celebrities are. And I am quite fed up about the news coverage she received while her sentencing and jail time went on. But my mixed feelings come in to play about her jail situation.

There are the two sides of course - the crime did not fit the punishment, and vice versa. And I went back and forth on them. I still haven't fully made up my mind, as if I think about this all day. But the thing that was interesting was listening to her.

She talked about how this was such a traumatic experience and that she learned and grew and found herself in the midst of all of it. For awhile, I could believe her. I am sure for anyone it would be hard, but can you imagine the lifestyle she is accustomed to? Most people know nothing of it. All that glamour, all the money you can spend - it's impossible to fathom!

And then being ripped from that and put in a jail cell. I am sure it was quite hard. I know it would be for me and I am not even close to the amount of wealth she is.

But it's 3 weeks. 3 weeks. It really is not that long. And yes, that doesn't make it any more fun, but people spend years upon years locked up. And I got annoyed.

Then she talked about how she just considered herself a normal person. How she was just a normal girl. She talked about how she just learned so much, going through this. And that is when my bitterness poked out its ugly head.

Seriously now, Paris. You are not normal. You are so not normal. You live in a fricken' castle. And learning so much? What will you change now? I highly doubt anything.

I wanted her to walk in my shoes. To walk in my crack addict's wife too-big shoes. To walk in The Junkys Wife shoes. To walk in MPJ's shoes. To walk in anyone's shoes that has been living and loving an addict.

But that is life. That is how the cookie crumbles. She was handed her life on a platinum platter. And who knows what she has been through. Those sex tapes surfacing may have scarred her for life. Who knows.

Weighty-ness

I'm having a hard time with my weight lately. It seems to be going up and down. Only by a couple pounds, but for those of you who have read earlier posts regarding my weight, you know that I was so excited to be down one pound!

I am not up any further than I was before; in fact, I am not even up as high as I was before which is not really high at all. I am just very down about it because it is so hot out and I can't fit into my clothes that I wore just one short year ago. My goal was that by the end of June I would be down to my goal, fitting in my shorts, but I am not even close.

It is a huge disappointment. I knew I would fail though because my boss consistently and constantly buys lunches for us nearly every day. Fattening, greasy, delicious lunches. I can't resist.

I have tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. I am not fat! I am cute. I am still little. Not as little as before though, is what I keep hearing. Chris still wants me. I'm not unhealthy. That should be all that matters, right? That's what I tell myself. I repeat it to myself.

I walk every night, and did sit-ups every night. I stopped that when Chris wasn't home one night, and since then I haven't picked it back up. I guess it really doesn't matter because while I may have been getting muscle tone from it, I wasn't losing weight. And I wasn't fitting in my shorts.

It doesn't help. I just want to fit into my shorts. That's all. Why won't it happen?!

We Will See

The PO is coming today for a house visit. Part of me wants to be there to meet this lady who is going to be running my life for the next 18 months, and the other part wants nothing to do with her. With my luck, I will think she will be gone by the time I get home, and she won't have even arrived yet.

It will be interesting to see what she does. I was talking to my dad about this yesterday - about how some of these people get on massive power trips. She already said to us that "she guesses" she will "let" us move because of our "situation." And what situation would that be, lady?

Power trips are never a good thing in authorities of the law. My dad, and come to think of it, my mom, threw in then how I was a social worker and might get on a power trip of my own one day. Maybe. The fact is that I hate that I have to change my lifestyle for Chris now. My parents constantly remind me that I married him. That it is what I have to do. In reality though, I don't have to. I can keep all the booze I want around the house. Wouldn't bode well for him, but as I read so often, "not my bucket of shit."

Somehow I am on this mindset of wanting to tell this lady that my record is crystal. That I am a good girl. Well, mostly. But everyone knows that will get us no where. Embarrassingly enough, I carted all my bottles of alcohol (not that big of a drinker!) to my parents so Chris wouldn't get in trouble. Now is that love or what?

She will be there at the end of the day today so we'll see what happens.

No, I still have not heard about Chris' strange drug test issue, but I am hoping and thinking that if it were positive, he would have certainly received a phone call unless she plans on telling him today. Don't quite know what to think about that. But, like always, we will see.

Memory

I'm feeling kind of down right now. I was reading MPJ's blog, and I read one about she had entitled My Past: The Cast. One of the entries was so startingly like my life, that I felt about to cry and immediately sunk down into memory land. I refer to it as "sinking down" because there is nothing up about it. At least not yet. Maybe after years and years of memory repression - purposeful memory repression - I will move on from the pain and heartbreak of past mistakes, but for now, I am wallowing it and can't seem to move out.

I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy.

My Prize

It's funny how the smallest, weirdest little things can make you smile. I was reading The Junkys Wife today, and saw that I was Rockin' Blogger Girl to her. It made me smile, reading that we should meet for coffee and that we could talk for hours and hours. I agree. It put a smile on my face to know that someone who has never even met me thought about me and the similarity of our situation and has empathy.

So thank you, Junkys Wife, for the great prize! I shall wear it proudly!

Grow up.

Why do I feel like a babysitter majority of the time? I feel like I am simply an underpaid nanny, telling the children what to do. "Brush your teeth, take a shower, take out the trash, clean the bird cage, vacuum up their poop, turn off your game, etc., etc."

All I want is someone who is a grown adult! It really is not that hard, I don't think. I just want someone, or more specifically, him!!, to act like a grown up. I really don't like having to yell at him or having to tell him how to take care of himself. I want him to do it on his own.

Perhaps it is just all the stress of moving that is causing me to want to punch him in his face. It's this Saturday and while we have a lot done, we don't really have that much done. It's hard to calculate what we need or don't need for the week. I don't want to pack stuff away and then need it five minutes later.

I am also annoyed because I don't know when we are actually getting in to our new place. Sometime before July 5th is the best I know. That sucks! I work too much to play these guessing games. I simply want to know a day, even if it is July 5th, so I can plan accordingly and know how this moving crap is going to work out.

The good thing about it is free cable and free Internet. I can finally get on the computer at home and not do it only at work!

I am hoping moving in there will be like a whole new start for us. New place, new neighbors, new location, just a new start with everything. I am hoping things will be better now. Maybe then I won't be a babysitter. I guess we'll see.

This blog entry certainly was all over the place! I am sure you get my drift. I am sick of babysitting a grown man. Get your act together. Know when to shave, when to shower, when to brush. It's a huge turn off. I should probably just stop telling him what to do and hope he realizes that he needs to grow up.

PO Side Note

Today is one of those days where I want to write all day, but I can't get my thoughts together. So I will just write that I am still alive, yes, and that I really have much to say but once I get my thoughts together I will come back. Nothing new or exciting has happened.

Same old fights about the same old things. Except, yesterday, I actually felt like his PO is in charge of and dictating my life now. For the next 18 months. And I want to agree The Junkys Wife when she says it's not my bucket of shit. But I cannot fully. Because it has become mine. And that is because I married the junkie.

I wish I had known. And really, what would I have changed?