Thursday, June 07, 2007


I went out again last night. People from work again, except this particular man went as well, with his girlfriend. There were also two other work people there.

I can tell you it was not as fun as previously. Perhaps because there was all this tension with him and I couldn't relax. However, as the night wore on, and him and his girlfriend wore beyond wasted, I found comfort in the fact that it really doesn't matter.

No longer am I on the dating scene. I am not running after men, I am not/should not! be interested in anyone else. And all I could think about was going home. I just wanted to go home. I was thinking to myself, "I am missing Frasier for this!?"

I even called Chris at one point to pick me up, but he was sleeping and I didn't have the heart to tell him to come get me when he works early. I toughed it out.

I have no tolerance, no patience, for people who are drunk. Everyone was well on their way to becoming so, but I just wanted to crawl into bed next to Chris and feel his skin under my hand. And so when I got home, I did just that.

The apartment was freezing, and the warm contact was a weird feeling. But I made a decision last night. To stop acting like a flirt. To be content, or show it at least, because I am. I am done with the old me.

And this morning, I put on the new me.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


My life is quieter than normal lately. I have no ups and downs to write about, no new information on Chris. He has his first meeting with his probation officer on Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

Chris and I are moving at the end of June, to a new apartment a city away. It will be mixed feelings. I like our neighbors so much right now, but I hate our landlord. Our apartment itself is cute and quaint, but it is dirty and not well kept but the previously mentioned landlord.

I am excited to move though. My cousin is the manager of the new complex and is giving us a deal on our unit. So much is included with the rent and grounds are kept up so well. The only hassle is actually going through the whole moving process.

It's quiet there though, so when Chris and I do fight, we will have to keep it much quieter than it is now.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Pure sex

There's this guy. One of those people that you feel nothing towards but pure sexual attraction. Raw sex. He is just one of those people that you just want to fuck.

He works as a mechanic for our company, and I had the pleasure of meeting him before anyone else did. Before he was even technically hired. It was from there.

He is older than me - more than a decade older to be precise, but he is crazy sexy. He flirted incessantly with me for awhile, telling me he would take me out to dinner, etc., when we would joke around. Until he finally asked if I had a boyfriend. I played it off coyly. Two days later, he met my husband.

After that, he told me I was married and he didn't know that and "we couldn't do this" or something, when in reality all we were doing was talking on the phone.

Nothing has happened. And nothing will. I am horrifyingly loyal, and he has a girlfriend as well. But I saw him today, and spent time with him as he worked on my car.

There is nothing sexier and more powerful than seeing a man doing his job.

I don't know what it is with me - I always fall for the bad boys. The guy is not a winner. He has been in and out of jail, has kids, and the list can go on. Chris is nothing to write home about, obviously. And B, another guy I dated, looked completely hard-core but was nothing like that. He had the cleanest record I have ever come across. That didn't last.

Could that be the reason? I need drama? Maybe he was seriously beautiful, but not dangerous enough for me. I don't know.

Either way, I am not a cheating spouse. I have no intention of cheating. In fact, I have every intention to NOT cheat. I just thought I would write about pure sexual attraction.


I was reminded this morning of something Chris told me awhile ago. It hurts every time I think about it because of the lengths of secrecy he would go to.

He told me when we would ride together in his car, he would take out his crack pipes and leave them in the grass next to the car so that they wouldn't be in there with me. I am not sure if this was so I wouldn't be incriminated if something would happen, or so I simply would not find it. I am sure it was the latter.

He went so far with this routine, that when the ground was layered with snow, he would take out his pipes and shove them into some snow so he knew where they were but no passersby would see them. Mainly me.

I often ask him about things. Such as "Was this in our house?! Was this in my car?" I remember one night; he didn't have his car. We had just went out for dinner and he had asked me three times already if he could go to the city to get money from a friend who owed him some.

A black friend. A black friend who lived in the ghetto. Who owed him money. For some unknown reason. If this wasn't a fricken clue, I have no idea what was.

I said no. Over and over. I said "You are not taking my car to go there. $50? Not that important. Not in the night, not with my car, and not when you don't come back when you are supposed to. You don't even answer his phone." He asked again. I said, "What is the big deal about this f-ing $50??" He said that it was fine. It didn't matter; he would just go when he got his car.

Turns out he wanted to go smoke. He wanted to do crack in my car with his drug dealing friend in the city.

It is painful, and awakening to see how many more moments in our short marriage are like this. Lies from the pit of his soul - it feels like everything out of his mouth was a lie.

I could name off a bunch more right now, but emotional time is done.


What an early morning disappointment. I weigh myself every morning, every single morning before I get in the shower, and that is how and when I judge my weight. I was up a pound today. A pound! I know that is not that much, but it is no way to start the morning. Granted, I did have that piece of apple pie last night at 9:30. Perhaps that is the reason for my sudden poundage. But it is quite discouraging for my morning wake-up.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Probation Beginnings

Probation has started. Maybe not officially, but it has started. He brought home the list of rules of things we can, or more specifically, can't do.

I feel like I am on some sort of punishment. "Sorry, April. The beginnings of relaxation you were feeling? Yeah, don't get too excited. You will be paying your PO for the next 18 months of your life. How much? The amount is unknown. And the supposed 'free' vacation you were taking to Florida in August - you can stop looking forward to it. All the fun things you were planning because he has a job will have to be some other time.

"Sorry, April. Because you married a crack addict, you might have to drive him to work every day due to having his license taken away. Also, because you married a crack addict, if you are having those killer cramps you get where you are incapacitated for hours on end, you cannot send him to the store with the credit card because his PO has to okay that first. And when you are driven to drink because of this inane lunacy, you can't do that either.

"We will check in on you. Your living conditions, what you live with, any alcohol. Have fun with that."

18 months without a fricken drink in my own home? That's a little excessive, don't you think? His problem wasn't alcohol. But hey. That's what I pay. That's the dues I take, grudgingly, to be with the man I love.

Bring me the drinks!

This weekend was a new and exciting one. At my work, for the most part, we are all like friends (for the most part) and a couple of us went out on Saturday night. S was invited to a random girl's birthday party and he wanted some moral support, so he invited me, Amber, and A. It was interesting. Chris was also invited, but he said he would rather not attend.

This actually made me happy. I like to go out with people that are not him. People that are fun, and people that have the power to make me laugh and I have no sort of hold or doubt over them.

S has been talking about sushi for quite some time, and this has no appeal to me, but we all headed over to this Japanese restaurant that I have never heard of. We laughed and ate until our sides split open. So much for my diet on this night. Also, alcohol is not a help in diets, but I just couldn't help myself. Bring me the drinks, please.

The random girl harassed and called many times, but S did not want to go. Mainly for that reason. So we went to two bars, both dead due to a festival going on by the lake front. We played darts, and pool, and danced and laughed and had a jolly good time.

Crazy though, that by the end of the night, I couldn't wait to get home to Chris. Not to snuggle, nothing like that, but just to be home with the man I love after a night with friends. It was a great, beautiful night. And since I came home at midnight, or shortly after, I desperately wanted to walk around the neighborhood. But as Amber pulled around my street and into my driveway, I saw that all the lights were off in our little triangled windows.

I kissed him gently when I went in, asking to go on a walk, but he said he'd been in bed for an hour already. This was surprising for a couple reasons. Firstly, I thought for sure he would wait for me to go to bed. Secondly, I know he wanted sex. I had promised him before I left that when I got home I would lay it on him.

Maybe I lucked out?

I really had no energy. I washed my face, and did all the things I do, before quietly making it back to the bedroom. When I pulled the covers down, sitting on my pillow was a condom and sex toy "tingling" gel that it is really fantastic. As I am writing now, I can't help but laugh.

Shorten the story, he did not get it. At least, not that night. But we had a lovely Sunday morning.