Saturday, August 23, 2008

SVU Mates

There is a man who lives across from me. I don't know who he is, what he does, or if anyone lives with him. All I know is that he only leaves his apartment once or twice a day and he is always wearing jeans. He is never dressed up...I don't know if he has a job. And he never walks to his garage for his car. He walks the opposite way.

What I know, from a random occurrence when I glanced across the divide between our homes, was that his TV was turned onto the show that I can't seem to get enough of - Law & Order: SVU. Now, whenever I am watching it, I can't seem to stop glancing over once or twice to see if he is watching too. And he usually is! However, it is not the same episode I am watching, which leads me to believe he records do I. And though I have never met this strange man, I feel like we are two kindred spirits.

I mean, he may not work; he may be loaded. He may be a psycho. He may just sit in his house all day. But you know what? At least he watches SVU.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


Nearly three months since my last post.

I switched careers. To teaching. I was in social work, for those of you that need a refresher. I have been enjoying the transition...until today. I applied and was accepted into an accelerated teaching program and loved it, and loved the kids I worked with during summer school, but in a few SO SHORT weeks, I will be in charge of my own classroom of 9 students in special education. I will lead them through this school year and help them grow and learn.

I met the principal today. And the principal's assistant. I received mixed messages. Looks of disdain, disbelief, annoyance. I know I look young. I am young. But that does not make me incompetent. Once these people told me what I would be experiencing, like I didn't know, I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

How can this be? I have been feeling called to this - I have seen signs directing me to go in this direction. And when someone simply challenges my thoughts or makes me feel inadequate I want to give up? That is my own downfall and I cannot let it continue.

They warned me of it all. They warned me of what these 9 boys will do. I felt small and insignificant, someone who surely can't make a change in this world - in THEIR world. I will be teaching in the inner city. I am not familiar, at least, not as much, with this way of life, but I know a lot about it and I believe I can make a difference, if merely a small one. Having people doubt me just makes it worse. I want someone to encourage me and to say, even if untrue, that I WILL be able to handle it.

I took a tour of the school and saw my own classroom. Instead of a rush of excitement to decorate my own classroom and to make it my own, I felt discouraged. I don't know if I can do it. How can I demand authority? What if they don't listen, which they won't? When a student runs from the classroom, who goes after or the paraprofessional? I can't leave the other 8 by themselves!

More and more questions present themselves and I am feeling continuously let down. During this small break, it didn't seem real but now that I have seen the classroom, I know it is, and I now have a limited amount of time to prepare. Lessons, classroom management, classroom decor, etc. I only have a week and a half and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know these kids! I don't know their needs, their weaknesses. What do I do the first week of school?

I just feel so surprised and so shaken up, but by what? I knew what I was getting into. It is not a shock. Maybe now that I see how much responsibility I have. Now that I see that I have so much to do in this short time, I am feeling stressed and anxious and rushed and don't know how it will be that first day. Who these kids are.

Anyways. That's been my life.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


Hello all. Please don't want to kill me or make me go through some horrible "married to an addict" life. Yeah, I don't know what that was. My pathetic attempt at some sort of joke. Anyways, it has been more than two months since I have been on here. I know I suck.

Things are going well. Yet everytime I write that here, I feel as if something will come crashing down, or like I am being incredibly naive. It IS possible for things to get well again, isn't it? They aren't always going to be horrible?

There has been maybe two times at most in the past months where his eyes looked suspicious. But he acted normal. I don't know. He is staying strong in his probation and passing all of his drug tests.

I have found new friends at work and have found joy in doing my own thing. Now that the weather is nicer, I can go out and walk when he is not there. I am kept busy by moving things to our new apartment, and studying for an exam for a career change I am embarking on. I am kept busy with my own friends' problems so I no longer focus on my own.

And the best thing is, I have started to forgive. I really have. I may have said that before. But I have been better at letting go and I am even laughing a little now-a-days. It's not easy, but I try.

I will try, TRY!, to update more, but I admit that it will not be easy. This site has now been blocked at work, and I usually forget by the time I get home.

In the meantime, can anyone tell me what happened to Cuntface McBitchfuck??

Sunday, March 02, 2008

I'm back

Wow, I can't believe it's been more than a month since I have posted. I didn't for quite some time because everything seemingly was going okay. But he was still being his stupid immature self. The thing I think about him is that he is really hung up on himself. I don't mean that he is full of himself because of his good looks or any of that crap; I mean that he only thinks of himself. Which we all knew and know was the problem, but he still doesn't understand that he needs to be responsible to other people at some points in his life.

So about a week before Valentine's, he went to the casino. However, he didn't tell me that. And for weeks he had been asking me to go and for weeks I had been saying no. And on this particular night, I was calling and calling and calling and calling and nothing. Finally, he called, saying he lost track of time and was at the casino trying to "win money" FOR US. Ridiculous, I know. A week later, the night before Valentine's, he disappeared again because he was "stuck in traffic." So I kicked him out. The night before Valentine's Day. The next time we talked, the next day, he stated that he finally realized he was "trying to be independent." I said "big deal." He said that it was a big deal for him because he had never really placed his finger on it.

I took him back (surprising right?) and since then, it has been the complete opposite. He has answered every time I called. He has been home at the time he has said he would be. He has been acting like a man - showering every day, shaving when necessary, spending time with me and not always playing video games. He has been a husband. It has been a welcome change.

We will see if he stays like that, but I certainly like what I see. Maybe I should not get too used to it or get my hopes up too high, but I am liking the new Chris. I hope that thing he "realized" really sticks with him.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Don't have to

Amazing that I would write I am going to break, because something else has happened this week. I am not fully ready to discuss it, and I am still pressing on with him, but we will see for how long.

The meeting on Tuesday went nothing as I expected. She told me to start attending Al-Anon, which I have known forever, and commiserated with me. But I did not feel as if anything was sorted out. She told me about some of her experiences with her first husband, and recommended some books. I don't know what I expected, but I know I didn't expect to just vent and complain, and then have no resolution. She didn't even teach me or tell me or anything about how to slowly resolve my never-ending anger towards him. She did tell me it is just the beginning and that I am further ahead than most, but that I don't have to forgive him right away or be done in my anger. Which whether or not she said that, it didn't matter, because I know I can't do either.

I am going read the book(s) she recommended, and look into Al-Anon, but in the meantime, I am going to start looking for fun things to do, whether it is taking classes or attending lectures or plays, or anything to get me out of the house. He needs to see that I am not just sitting around waiting for him. I have my own life.

This week has not been easy. Tough situations have came up. Thanks to everyone for your comments and support.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Peeing Crack

I did it. It took a lot of deep breaths, it took a lot of trying and failing, but I finally called to talk to someone. It is for this Tuesday. We'll see what happens.

My parents believe that the drug test he took that day was wrong. He also took one yesterday for his PO. And passed. So thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks for the support. I know they are trying to be supportive and trying to look out for me. But they think he drank something to detox his system before taking a drug test. That’s a lot, even for him. He wouldn’t know I would give it to him.

Even if he would, I need to get away. I can’t have my parents breathing down my throat on this. I can’t constantly live like this. He was fine. I swear he was fine before we got there. I swear he was fine when we went out with his parents. How could it only have affected him for that short time?

I can’t play the ifs, ands, and buts games. He was clean, wasn’t he? Even so, the fact that they don’t believe, and would go so far to look up in the internet to see if he drank something and how fast it would work, is really bothersome. They have always had problems with trusting. If one of us kids messed up, it would take forever to trust us again. Literally forever.

I want them to let me live my own life. To not treat me like a fricken idiot. I know the signs. I know when he looks high. I know when he looks fucked up. I don’t need a constant reminder; I don’t need a constant question and answer session.

Now it is going to be awkward, and worst part is, I feel like a fucking idiot because I have started to believe him. He loves NA, he loves it so much. He loves having been in recovery for almost a year. He prides himself on it. And I really don’t think he would want to start all over. That’s why I find it so hard to believe that he would do fucking crack again.

Maybe I am just one of those fucking idiots I hate. Those ones who actually believe that shit because they just don’t want to know the truth. The “ignorance is bliss” people. I used to be like that.

It’s easier. It’s cleaner. But it’s a lie.

What is the truth? Should I believe him? Should I believe the drug test? I am already angry with my parents for being so untrusting. For taking time out of their precious lives to look up my fucking husband’s ways out of peeing crack.

Am I wrong to be that mad at them?

I can’t seem to get out everything I want to say. I’m easily distracted right now. The point is two drug tests came out clean. The point is that he denied it. The point is is that I can’t handle anything else! I am going to fucking break.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Eating Me Alive

He went to his friend's house yesterday to play poker with his friend and his friend's dad and uncle. He was late coming home to go to my parent's for a play-off game. He looked normal. He acted normal. We got to my parent's house. He looked like a crack head. He acted like a crack head. He rubbed his eyes a lot, he barely ate, and he was literally falling asleep, like those great old days.

Of course, my dad noticed. He cornered me in the kitchen, asking me what was going on asking me where he was earlier. I lied, of course, and said he had been at home playing video games all day. I didn’t want him to know the truth, but I thought I knew the truth. Telling my dad that he had been gone, not under my supervision, would surely show my dad that he was doing drugs.

It went downhill and I bought a drug test after and he took it, and passed. It was a weird night, because he acted like a crack head there, but then we went out to dinner with his parents and he looked and acted normal.

I dreaded today because I knew my parents would take about it to me. And they did. My mom said I didn’t deserve this and I needed to talk to someone about forgiving (I had told her I couldn’t forgive him.)

I need help. This bitterness and hatred is eating me alive. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to finally tell the truth. And that truth is that I don’t think I can do it anymore. I tell myself I am doing good, I tell myself that I am taking baby steps and that each day is getting better. Some days are getting better.

But deep inside, I think I hate him. Sometimes I will look at him with such disgust. Some days I don’t even want to go home. Some days I love him, and want to hold him, and want to feel surrounded by his arms. Some days I laugh with him, and am thankful for him.

But those days are few and far between. I feel like I am drowning in my own anger. I can’t seem to get over it. Every thing he does wrong reminds me of then. Every time he is late, reminds me of then. Every time he doesn’t answer his phone I get angry all over again.

I honestly don’t want to be like this. It may be hard to believe, but I really don’t. I want to move on. I want to be strong within myself, not within my madness.

I want to embrace him, I want to look at him in love. I want to see the man I fell in love with, not the drug addict who fucked up my life.

I doubt him, I doubt everything about him. I doubt his truths, I doubt his lies. I doubt him.

I am not who I want to be. I want to be amazing. I want to be forgiving. I want to enjoy life. I don’t want this to be eating me alive. I want to love going home, not wishing that Sunday was actually a Monday.
I hate life. I hate this. I didn’t sign up for this. I thought I could do it. But maybe I can’t. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hating him, and hating myself.

I want to be close. But I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t touch him. I can’t make love to him. I can’t smile at him. I can’t even laugh at his stupid jokes.

He has become a chore. He has become a goal to conquer. A goal for me to become a better person.

Worst of all, I keep it all inside. I don’t talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have any friends I would be comfortable telling this to. I want to scream that I am not happy. I am not this person.

I need help.