Wednesday, October 31, 2007

No change

Wow. Eternity, I know. I have been so unmotivated and so busy with work, I just come home and do nothing. Chris and I had a monster of an argument on Monday night. He went to his NA meeting and didn't come home until after midnight. Midnight!! You bloggers are only the second people I am telling about this. Of course, I called my best friend and she walked me through things. What the fuck was he doing?

It was horrible. I was catapulted back to 9 months ago. Exactly nine months on Monday. I was panicky, I was scared, I was terrified, I was fucking pissed the fuck off. No answer, no reply, nothing from him.
I layed in bed and wondered how the hell I dealt with this on an almost daily basis. How did I get in bed and sleep? How did I not stay up freaking out all night till his fucking ass got home? How did I do any of that for months at a time? I was in a different mindset then, I must say. I was in survival mode.

His excuse? Some guy came in who had relapsed and Chris took it upon himself to stay and deal with him. Now, I don't fucking believe his bullshit. I don't believe it. But I know he wasn't doing drugs. I know what he was like before and that wasn't it, that Monday night. And he had been so excited that it was his 9-month anniversary. But I have no clue what he was doing.

Either way, whether or not he was telling the truth, answer your fucking phone. Pick it up and say you're alive. Pick up the fucking phone and say that yes, you are not arrested. Pick it up and text back. That was the worst part.

I know it was only one time. But he has not changed. I could justify his behavior in my head when he was on crack. It was the drugs. It was the drugs. But when he is clean and sober and "learned his lesson," he still goes out and does the same fucking thing. He has not made one single ounce of progress. That is what hurts the worst. The fact that I thought he was different. I thought he had changed. But he really hasn't. When it is broken down, I am still not the first priority. I am still not the number one and only one.

I can't even explain it adequately but I hope you all understand. I hope you understand how disappointing it was to realize that he is the same person, it just takes a different thing to make him behave that way. It didn't matter that it was the crack. It didn't matter that it was a guy who relapsed. As long as he feels that their is something else that warrants more attention or need, he will choose that over his own fucking wife. He will choose that over me.

My mind has froze.


Amy said...

I'm so sorry this happened. And I can see why it is so disappointing. You blamed all his immature or inconsiderate traits on drugs, and now there's no drugs but the traits are still there. Oh no - you're stuck with that! It probably feels very hopeless to you.
BUT a therapist once told me that the way you can tell if someone's problem is improving is to gauge if the events are becoming less serious and further apart in frequency. And based on your writings, I would judge that yes, they are certainly further apart, and while this was serious, it isn't like he was gone for DAYS the way it was before. So while he's not 'all better', he is getting better. And maybe you can take some comfort in that. I hope...

Addicted 2 my addict said...

i hear you 100% I thought F would be different when he wasnt doing drugs...and those excuses i had made.."it was the drugs making him this way" I realized that ALOT of the way he just him yes the drugs made it MUCH MUCH worse but its still the same person. Maybe its an addict thing..but i dont feel that i am his number one too often.. i mean i used to but it always seems he NEEDS to help someone else or rescue someone elses needs and im left thinking "what about me?" i dont know..then again i think our relationship is going down the drain..who knows..keep your head up..tell him how that made you feel.

John said...

I once read that a woman marries a man in hopes that she can change him. A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change. Maybe it's not that he doesn't want to change, maybe he can't.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Big hugs. Yes, I know how you feel. I have definitely had the feeling of: "After years in recovery, I can't believe it's just the same stupid fucking shit and lies again." Keep taking care of yourself.

db said...

i am hysterical. as i read your story, i feel like it is my own, except your crack is my alcohol/cocaine. sometimes i feel like i am suffocating. i feel so alone. i feel like i am dealing with someone who is not human