Thursday, May 24, 2007

Tiny update

Will wonders never cease?! I came home from work last night and he told me that he would not be bringing his friend home from NA because I don't want him too. I asked if his friend couldn't go then and he said, his friend had another ride home. My heart melted because finally, FINALLY, he put me first without a huge argument. He was home early and we cleaned our apartment and watched LOST and spent time together and savored the moment. It was nice. It was nice to finally be number one.

Earlier in the day, my mind reeled with things to write. With updates and backstories to fill you in on, but now, I am content and ready to go home. The long work day is done, he is waiting for me at home, and who knows what the night brings. But I am ready.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

NA and friends

Seriously. Tonight is NA. For all you unfamiliar with drugs/drug users/addiction help things, it is Narcotics Anonymous.

Getting his license back and getting his car back have already been big enough steps! Why the hell should I let him pick up his friend FOR NA and bring him BACK from NA? That's a joke. I need to get used to the whole idea of him having his license back and all this freedom before I let him cart his little crack addict friends around.

Trust, right? Trust him - give him a chance to prove himself. That's what people say. Well, what I say is that I don't care. I knew this would happen. I knew that when he got his car back he would let people walk all over him again. He would please everyone else before me. He would make everyone else happy and do what everyone else wanted before me.

And try to make me freel guilty. Try to tell me that "If he doesn't go one time, he might not come back. He could slip back into it." Not my problem. Not my concern. Not a big deal to me. Right? Not my problem? Not my concern?

It shouldn't be. And normally it isn't. My concern is ME. I don't give a fuck about his stupid friends. I don't trust HIM. He needs to be home RIGHT after NA. I don't care if his "friend" can't come tonight. I'm not responsible for him. I'm not married to him. I'm not going to be waiting at home for him. Prove yourself to me first and then maybe, MAYBE, I will let you take your friends places.

For now, I am number one. For now, I am the person whose feelings matter the most. Remember that.

A little more

He read the blog last night...the blog I happened to steal from The Junkys Wife's website. The blog that was from a man's point of view - the one staying that she is always yelling. Always mad. Never wanting to kiss, to hug, to make love. He read it.

I cried the first time I read it. And when I read it parts of it over last night, I cried again. His comments were what I could expect. That he was trying. That he knows I cannot just let go of it. He tried to joke saying that I need counseling, as one part in the blog states. I did not, could not, laugh. What was funny about that? No doubt I need counseling for the hell he put me through. But it is doubtful he is referring to that. I kind of took it as him saying he thinks I need counseling in general. Not a time to joke, Chris. Really.

His reaction to the blog was less than what I hoped for. But I know him, or at least I think I do, and I know his reactions and that was one I definitely saw coming.

Good news to report today though - he finally got a job. I realize since I have only started to record these happenings, you do not realize how long it has been. Months. Months that felt like years. I am enthusiastic about this, don't get me wrong. However, as I was thinking about it this morning, I realized that I am the main reason he received this job.

A co-worker of mine knows someone who knows someone at a temp agency. She told me he could definitely get Chris a job if he simply went. I told him to go. He did. He got a job. Of course, it was up to him to go, and it was up to him to present himself in a professional manner, but in reality, he did nothing but that. He didn't look for it. I am giving him a handout. In this case and in many cases, it is all through who you know. But I wish he could have done this one thing alone.

Don't get me wrong - I am happy he has a job. The money will be greatly appreciated. He is swimming in debt. I disassociate myself with this because "it isn't me." I get the lecture repeatedly about we are married, it IS me. When we want a house, or a new car, or anything that involves a credit check, it will not look good. It is just another reminder of how he screwed me over.

But at least he will start paying his bills off, right? Or I will. Access to money through me from him has become almost an impossible task - just another way for me to control his every move. Perhaps that's wrong. Perhaps that pushes him away. But he has been clean almost 90 days now, so he says. And I have had control of the money, the cards, the finances, everything - for just as long. Just another burden to add to my already aching shoulders.

I say that I would love to relinquish my control. I say that I would love to give up the control of everything. But would I? At least if something goes wrong I have no one to blame but myself. And in reality, I would hate it, I think. Trusting someone?! Practically unheard of. Especially to take care of ME? To take care of our finances? What a joke.

For now, I will be content with the fact that a job has come his way.

And I will be content that I can laugh a little more. I can giggle at his strange way of joking, the absurd things he does to make me laugh. I can relax a little more.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Bottled Up

I feel a little better today. Not that I felt too bad yesterday, but the looming implications of a license returned irked me to no end.

Today is a new day though and I will face it head on. That is how it is. I am lucky enough to have a job that I enjoy coming to work for. I am lucky that my boss has been through a situation very similar to mine and is there whenever I break down.

She sees things I don't. For example, last week, as I was crying in her office about how he had ruined everything, she said that we were both going through similar things. Hardships-wise. Her husband hated his job and wanted to quit and she felt like she had to support him. She said she had no problem doing that because she loved him and wanted to stay with him. But she said that she did not see that from me. She said I need to decide if I want to stay with him.

The thing is - I love this man. I want to stay with him. I want to work things out. But as I believe I have stated before, I cannot let go of my bitterness and anger towards him.

I had this friend. She was my best friend in the entire world. But not for the reasons that most best friends are so. She made my spirits soar - we had more fun than I have ever had in my life. When I got married though, our communication stopped. She called for my birthday - sometimes I would hear from her. But a couple months ago we talked and she asked how I was. It was shortly after the news that I was married to a crack addict came out.

I told her I was okay. That I had been tempted to call her a week or so before but thought better of it. She asked why, but all I told her was that everything was okay now.

How could I tell this girl, this girl that used to be the number one person in my life, that she had been right all along? That when she said he wasn't good enough for me she was right? How could I give her the satisfaction? And when in reality, as she would gloat to herself and pity would wash over her, all I would think was that she had no fucking clue how it was. She lived her life of parties and flirtations and simple nothings and this would be much too big.

I'm not saying she couldn't understand. She had been through hardships that I have never even dreamed of. But I don't think that anything can really compare to being yoked to someone for the rest of your life - and that someone has lied to and betrayed you beyond any recognizable point. I don't think that she would be able to understand how it would be to know that you just signed your life to someone who was addicted to crack cocaine. Her hard decisions in life were what to wear that night to a bar.

That may sound so bitchy. But it is the truth. And maybe that is all 23-year-olds should have to think about. The sad truth is though that that is what I do think about. I think about how my life has changed. How I need to decide if I want to be married to a liar.

It was nearly impossible those nights; the nights where I spent crying alone, before and after I found out the truth. It was so impossible I wanted to call her up and run to her house - a place where I could be myself and relax and be comfortable and forget about my problems. But I didn't. I stayed strong, whether that was good or bad, because I did not want to be the weak one. My own problem of pride I know.

I had no one. I had no one to turn to. And even while I write this, I cringe knowing that it is a lie. I had someone. I always did. My family is nothing but supportive. They would have been there if I just asked. But I am a strong-willed, overly prideful human being. I don't want to ask for help. I want to come across as independent, needing nothing. I am sure that is my main dilemma. I didn't turn to them until after he was arrested.

I kept it all bottled up. The late nights, the fights, the missing money, the debt we were falling into. Debt is harder to get out of then I ever thought possible.

I am working my butt off now - paying off the bills, paying for everything - while he "looks" for a job. I have more money in my account now than I ever did before, but it dwindles out as I pay the bills.

Sorry for that interspersion of debt. The fact is, because I kept it all in, I am more unhealthy than ever before.

I get mad at him for the stupidest little things. Such if life for now though. I need an emotional break.

Monday, May 21, 2007


Pretty pathetic that I can get mad just reading about crack addiction. It can ruin my attitude and make me so mad. Why? To what end? It's going to get me nowhere. If anything, I will just have a bad attitude towards everyone else for the rest of the day.

He gets his license back today. Not too excited about that. At least this way, I could dictate his every action and if I didn't want him to do something, he couldn't do it. Now he could just get back in his car and leave. Not looking forward to it at all.

I realize this post sucks. But whatever.


My name is April. That is my real name. I will not use a fake name for myself. But in the future, other names will be changed.

My name is April and I am married to a crack addict. I am 23-years-old. In the eyes of many, I am a baby. But I have had to face things that many people have never and will never face in their lives. I am a grown-up 23 yr. old. I have been married almost 9 months.

It is the first year of my first marriage and I am drowning in pain, in anger, and in utter confusion. I married a stranger. I married a man I had no knowledge about.

Every day is a struggle and I am someone I do not wish to be. I am consumed with anger and have no problem showing it to him at all times. As far as I am concerned, he ruined what could have been the start of a beautiful marriage. As far as I am concerned, he ruined what trust we had.

I knew that something was going on. But I am one of those women, one of those people, who hates change. Who would rather live a horrible existence than face any kind of new or unfamiliar thing. I would spend nights alone. I would wake up at 2 in the morning to him not being there. I would call and leave frantic, scared, turning to threatening messages. But it wouldn't matter. Nothing would happen. I would hear nothing back.

I was a newlywed in my own sad, scared web of lies.

He had lie after lie after lie. Saying he had to work late - saying his boss made him stay. I am not stupid. I didn't believe him. But pressing the issue was not getting me anywhere.

He would come home late and I would slap him, I would hit him as hard as I could as I was sobbing. He always apologized. Always said he was sorry, there was nothing he could do. He broke my heart over and over.

The truth only came out when he was arrested.

I am hoping this blog will help me release some of myself. I am hoping others will read this and help, share their own experiences, or get hope from mine.

I am not who I want to be. I am not the person I thought I would. I am not where I wanted to be. I am merely a supporter. I am the bread-winner. I am the provider. I am broken and I do not know how to heal.