Anniversary expectations

Wow. I really suck at keeping you guys up to date on things lately. Actually, not much has been going on.

Tomorrow is Chris and I's first year anniversary. One year of marriage. It is a pretty big deal to me. If only for the reason that I want Chris to celebrate it and pamper it as he has never done before. I don't know if that will happen. He doesn't take clues very easily - or if he does, he doesn't let on that he let on.

I mean, I literally will flat out say "You should do something very special because it is our first year marriage anniversary." And he will say he knows. But the second I say that, I hate myself because I want him to think of something on his own. This must be the classic female scenario. If you don't say something, he might not do something. If you say something, he will most likely do it and then you will think he did it just because you told him to.

Wow. We women really make life so difficult. Hah.

Either way, tomorrow is the big one year. August 26th. We have made it through one year of marriage. It has mostly been tough. I will say that. It has not been easy. Each day is a struggle. And a lot of days I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, the majority of the days, I lose the struggle to be kind. To give the benefit of the doubt. To start to trust. To laugh. I lose the struggle.

It is sad, actually. Because I will get home from work, and I will shut down. I turn evil. And not evil evil, but I close up towards him. I put on my hard shell. I do not have fun, and that is my own doing. Instead of loosening up and joking and enjoying myself, I shut down and don't do any of the aforementioned things. I am cold. I am cold towards him.

It is slightly late and I am slightly tired so I am slightly rambling. But to sum it up. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I will tell you what he does and if he makes me proud.

Not How I Planned It

I told my co-workers today. Yes, I told S and my boss and my manager. It was really nervewracking, and since I am an emotional crazy person, I feel pretty wiped out from all of it.

It turns out that my good friend Rae (the one in the last bunch of posts) told S. And S in turn told my boss. S took me out for coffee this morning to go over work things and in the meantime, as we were working, he asked if he could interrupt for a moment. And then he said "Are you going to tell me or not?" I looked at him for awhile and then said "I don't want to."

I acted like a fool afterwards and started to cry. He is a good friend to me and was nice about it but I felt like a moron.

I was actually really mad at Rae because while she did help a little by making it easier, I feel like it made me look like a coward for not telling them myself. We all know the reason I didn't. I didn't want to tell them over the phone while I was in Florida. I wanted to tell them in person, but she beat me to it.

She is texting me now, telling me that she didn't mean to but that S was being very pushy. It really doesn't matter. Everyone but my immediate manager knew. I wish they didn't partially - so I could have told them, but I am also a little glad they did know, like I said.

Either way, I wish they would have heard it first from me. S and I finished our coffee and talked about some other life things - it was all around a nice coffee time and he was understanding. I was and still am sad about leaving these people that I have grown to care about tremendously, but it is high time for this position. I have been waiting awhile, and am so excited for it. While I will miss these people a lot, it is time for me to move into a position that I will love - something I enjoy doing and something that I look forward to coming to every day. It is time to start my career.

So tomorrow I have my physical for my new job. Eeks! I hate blood withdrawals and stuff. I'll let you know how that goes.

This post is kind of all over the place so when I am feeling a little more up to it, I will post more details if anyone cares.

Should be proud

Guess who messaged me last night? Yes, M. M the ex. I stared at it for awhile, but thankfully, I was on the phone with that friend from back home, and had some distraction. When I got off the phone, M was still on, still waiting for a response.

Chris and the friend told me to ignore it or to say I was busy. But it was taking all my willpower not to respond. So I text messaged my sister, asking her for advice quickly. She said ignore at all costs. So I did. I ignored at all costs.

And I should feel happy. I should feel proud that I ignored. But instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment and finally one-up-ment, I feel sad. I feel like I am missing out on what could be a beautiful friendship. It could, couldn't it? I know, I know. I am just talking myself into this craziness, and I should be proud for ignoring. But I am not that kind of person. I am friendly. I am nice. I don't ignore. I don't ignore friends.

I know M is not my friend. M has been using me. But what if I needed M? Really truly needed? I know M would be there for me. So is it really using if I just have not taken M up on the "usage"?

But I am reminded, by someone who commented, the reason I am ignoring M is because of my deep feelings that haven't went away. And I need to ignore M because it only wreaks havoc on my emotions after the talking. Maybe I should tell M that I can't talk anymore because of my feelings?

Oh brother. Well. I should be proud, right.

My old job

I know I am a very emotional person. But sometimes things just hit me out of nowhere.

I had to call work today, from Florida!, to answer a call from my boss. Turns out all four of them, which are like the little family, are all on the way to lunch together. It made me so sad! I wasn't with them, and then it hit me that after two weeks, I won't be anymore again. They will go on their lunches without me because I won't work there anymore. It's really sad, quite honestly. I won't be part of the little family anymore.

S was asking if I miss him, and saying he missed me, and that it has been a long time (3 weeks) and again, it will be a lot longer most likely when I quit, unless we hang out together some time, which we have been known to do. A whole part of my life, a part that I have loved, will be gone.

Don't get me wrong - I was and am NOT a fan of the work I was doing there. All I could think was that it was below me. That I was better than it, and that I should not be doing expenses and payroll and answering calls. I should be doing social work. But I loved the people, and that is why I went every day. I am friends with all of them in unique ways. We are all a tight knit group and I won't be a part of that anymore.

So while I am leaving to pursue a job that I will (hopefully) be content in, I am leaving them behind. I am leaving to do what I have wanted to do for a long time. The hard part is leaving this camaraderie, leaving the group of friends behind. When I first started, they told me it was like working with your friends - hanging out with your friends. And they were right (for the most part.) It's hard to weigh the options - stay with your friends and enjoy it but hate your job, or find a job you love and make new friends there.

I didn't know it would be so hard.