Friday, July 13, 2007

Interlude #1

I find it interesting - reading my own background. Funny how that works, isn't it? Seeing how even when I was 16-years-old, a child!, I ignored my gut about this guy who lied. It's interesting to me now, that the same gut feeling I had back then, I have even now.

I am not saying I made a mistake. I am not saying I didn't make a mistake. I just find it so fascinating that I had all these clues right in front of me, even back then, that he was not the man he said he was, and I ignored it because I loved him. I let them all slip by.

What is it about me, I wonder?

I feel this part of the story may be somewhat important, as I was reflecting on it earlier today. Right before Chris and I broke up, I met a guy whom I had known briefly at the two-year university.

During this time, before Chris and I ended, he became a very good friend. We took the bus to the school to save gas, and we talked on the way there every day. When Chris and I were done, he became one of my best friends. We would talk nightly, on the bus, and other times as well. He was completely the rebound guy in every sense of the word.

He was beautiful, intelligent, caring, sensitive - he was an amazing man. About three months after the split, this man (W) and I started dating. At first, it was great. I had never dated anyone besides Chris, nonetheless anyone like W.

We had fun all the time. It was never boring. We fit perfectly into each other's lives. He was very family-oriented, as am I. I loved his family; I loved his house. We would spend hours just walking and talking. His sister and I became great friends.

I was so comfortable around him. I am not the kind of person who falls asleep during movies. It is impossible. But I would fall asleep in his arms, and would not wake up until 3 in the morning. My parents never had any qualms or concerns with me getting home at 4am. I loved this. They loved W. They had no reason to doubt him or his sincerity or his honesty. They knew he was a great guy. It was refreshing.

But soon, when stupid little fights occurred, (nothing big could happen that early on!) I would call him "Chris" or insult him with something in regards to Chris. I knew this was completely wrong, and hurtful, but I did it anyways. Kind of as a protection to myself.

I thought about Chris sometimes. Not frequently though; and it certainly bothered W when Chris started his texting and calling. I can see and understand why completely.

Towards the end of W's and my relationship, I started doubting whether I wanted to be with W instead of Chris. W knew this. We talked about everything. And eventually, he broke it off. It was amicable - I agreed it was the right decision - but hurt feelings still remained.

Funny, now that I look back on it.

Do I crave drama? Can I not survive without it? Am I a co-dependent with drama issues? I think I am. And of course, he had nothing for me to fix. He was just the kind of man a normal woman is looking for. A normal, non-co-dependent woman. Unfortunately for me, and however fortunate for him, he had no issues that I could find.

The ones I could find could be easily fixed. And my heart belonged to someone else.

It makes me sad to think about what could have been. The memories give me good thoughts, but it still makes me sad. He was a great person and I did not treat him as such.

That was one little interlude. I debated whether or not it was important, or whether or not to share it, but as I wrote it, I can see that it really did play a big part.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Background #1

Today, surprisingly, I have nothing new to write about. So I am going to take this time to give you a little background on me and Chris.

I am sure the majority of the information that is important is the time when he was doing, and addicted, and I found out about the crack cocaine. But I feel that the entire story of us is important. Don't worry - I will not bore you with the boring details, or information I do not wish to share.

Chris and I met junior year of high school. I was 16. He was 17. He was the new guy at school, and beautiful. Lots of girls wanted him. He was the "bad boy." Long hair, baggy clothes, tall. In short, the druggie. That was so appealing to me because I was this good girl. I had a thing for bad boys.

Through a series of events, we started dating. It was a tumultuous relationship, sort of like now. The trust went out the window soon after we started dating, which should have been a huge sign.

He got into trouble with the law (shocker) for drugs (another shocker). He lied about it, at least I think he did, and never came clean. It was one incident after another, but I was crazy about him. He sparked something inside me. I didn't think I would feel that way about anyone ever again.

We graduated high school and I went off to a two-year community college while he went to tech school. Near the end of this time, he got a job in a factory, putting in long hours on second shift. He only had one day free to see me.
I had just started attending a 4-year university. My time was limited as well. I attended day and night classes, and worked. I was twenty.

After a couple weeks of falling asleep during movies, and being late to come over because he was sleeping, I had come to the end of my rope. One particular Sunday, he was invited over to have dinner with my family. It was a big thing to me - Sunday dinner always was, and this was even bigger because my sister's boyfriend was invited too. The time came and went with no call from him.

Two hours after dinner, he called, sounding like he had just woken up. Needless to say, I was livid. I gave him two weeks to come to his senses. We were on a break.

After two weeks, we broke up. We were broken up for 8 months, during which time I pursued another interest and generally had a good time. However, I missed him; I cried; it was hard.

After those 8 months, and repeated attempts at contacting me, we hung out one night. We hung out for awhile after that, and then got back together. I saw a definite change in him. He cared more. He was over a lot. He was like a new person.

Three months after we got back together, he proposed.
I am going to take a break in the story now. After this, the details became busy. The lies become more frequent. And my energy isn't up for it this morning, at least not yet.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Migraines & Marriages

Last night was a kind of awakening night for me. I am one of those people who are afflicted with migraines. And last night was one of those lovely nights. I stupidly did not take any medicine on the onset of it, and was left with a throbbing so painful I could barely close my eyes to sleep.

Chris and I fought a little which did not help, but as I lay there, my mind running over everything - running over the excruciating pain as well, I started to feel something. All these fights, all the little bitter, bickering arguments that amount to nothing but useless and stress - are pointless. They get us no where. And I don't care to do it anymore.

Pick my battles - that's what's important. And I don't care to be so petty, so trivial, and so immature. Yes, I am angry and yes, I am bitter. But I am not going to let that affect me in every area any more. I am going to work on that, much harder than in the past.

I am sick of fighting over such stupid stuff. Actually, I am sick of fighting in general! But I am, from now on, going to keep up the mantra "Not my bucket of sh*t." And "Pick my battles."

I am done being that way. And to add another goal to the pile, I am going to really start being happy with me. I am completely happy with me normally, but I am going to get my life the way I want it. And I know I am going to be content and happy with my life if Chris and I don't work out.

So this morning, I apologized for my part in the argument last night. I never apologize. But I did. And I am glad I did. We are on the right path. And while my migraine is still hiding behind the wall of Excedrin this afternoon, ready to spring, I know I can handle it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Weight & Water

Over the weekend, we went swimming every day, and some days before, and I actually lost two pounds! How is that possible in only 4 days? I am sure it is unhealthy. Either way, no need to get excited for me because I have put those two pounds right back on. I think it is pointless to try to lose weight anymore.
My goal was to be back to my normal weight by the end of June. Well that has come and gone and nothing has changed. I am maintaining my weight. It is neither going up or down. Actually, on occasion it does go down, but nothing significant. Either way, I felt good enough to go swimming.

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I can be watching TV and a commercial will come on and the ocean will be sprawled across the screen. Of course it is clear water, white sand, palm trees gently waving in the wind, the sun beautiful behind the whole picture. It would never be the ocean that you can't see to the bottom of or a shark looming near by. It is complete serenity. And when I see that, my whole body literally yearns to be in the water, to feel the swooshing of the waves against my body.

Usually, the feeling passes but sometimes I have to gulp down some water. Maybe I'm dehydrated? Either way, I feel better after that.

The point is - water is an incredible thing. Either around you or in you. Just feeling it go down your throat is amazing. And being in it! You feel light, you feel clean, refreshed.

Perhaps the point of this blog was to waste time at work. Hah. But I really do like water. There is nothing that quenches quite like water.

Monday, July 09, 2007


This is something I very much would like to try. I would love to know I have the support of other people going through the same thing, in my own area. I have looked into it - I did a long time ago actually. However, the closest Nar-Anon meeting is in the city - not a close drive - and not in a very safe part of the city at that.

Perhaps one day I will take my friend, whose boyfriend has addict problems as well, to a meeting.

As for Al-Anon, I have not looked into that because everything I have read about it states that it is for those who are close with someone who is an alcoholic. Not a crack addict. But maybe I will give that a chance.

I did go to a couple meetings at my church. Apparently it's a national (maybe world-wide?) group, like Nar-Anon, yet sadly at this moment I can't remember what it was called. Either way, it was decent, but it was incredibly small.

I was the only one who was there for a loved one - not for them being an addict. The structure was not laid out in a typical manner because it was a Christian organization. But talking to Chris, it seems like the same thing just different methods. Just different higher powers.

I was not that fond of it. I can read the Bible at home. Also, when you wanted to talk about things going on, or feelings you were having, there seemed to be a time table to stick to. You couldn't talk for long periods of time because you had to follow the structure of the program. It seems to me though, that if I was going there, I wanted to talk. I wanted to vent; I wanted to listen to other people as well. And that time was limited.

I would like to get involved with some kind of support meeting. It is just a matter of finding one that is close, makes sense, and gives me something out of it.