This morning when I got to work, I read a blog that really reminded me of me. Mantramine posted some incredible things. She talked about how she had already walked away from her husband in her heart and how she was excited to no longer have him, or more likely, this problem of drug addiction in her life.
This affected me so much, I cannot even put it into words. I withdrew from my husband as well. Strange, I was going to write "she was excited to give up on him." The words give up are not what I meant at all, at least not in the sense they are usually meant. I meant it in the way that I change it to. But when I read that giving up, what I myself wrote, I realized how accurate that was in my own life.
When I first came to grips with the fact that Chris was addicted to crack cocaine, not only did I feel relief but I felt that we could work through it now. Now that the truth was out. But as I delved further into how deep his lies had taken us and as I realized how seriously in trouble we were in on so many levels, it seemed impossible.
And soon, I didn't want it in my life. I didn't want him in my life. I, in essence, gave up. And I don't think it was because I was weak. I don't think it was because I didn't love him anymore. It was because he had caused too much damage. We had lost so much money, so much respect, so much freedom, and the worst thing to me was trust. I simply did not think I could get it back. And honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want to. I was excited to let go and be done with the entire situation.
Perhaps that was because I now knew I could make it on my own. Perhaps it was because if I had to go live with my parents no one could blame me. Perhaps it was because I knew that M would be there for me if I left Chris (when in all actuality M had no plans to be with me). But I had walked away from him in my heart.
When I finally decided to walk back, it was so hard. I still am not fully there. Like Mantramine said, "detached" if she goes back. And it is not only hard to go back, but it is hard to be detached to begin with. It's hard all around.
So I am back. I am back in my heart. I care. I do. And I am giving this a fighting chance. The detachment is different. It is so hard not to wonder if he has used again, why he is gone so long, why he is not answering his phone - so many things. But it's one step at a time for me, one day at a time. I hope one day I can be fully there, not always guarding my heart.
Detachment is different than what I mean there, I believe. But it is hard nonetheless. Each day is difficult, sometimes increasingly so. But if I really want it, I can do it.