Friday, August 10, 2007

Gave up

I feel refreshed and wonderful this morning. It is Friday so that could be one of the reasons. Also, I feel like things are a little more settled. My parents are coming for dinner on Sunday night (oh, no!! diet will be out the window!), and Chris and I are going to Florida on Wednesday for a week. It will be nice to regroup and to refocus on our relationship.

This morning when I got to work, I read a blog that really reminded me of me. Mantramine posted some incredible things. She talked about how she had already walked away from her husband in her heart and how she was excited to no longer have him, or more likely, this problem of drug addiction in her life.

This affected me so much, I cannot even put it into words. I withdrew from my husband as well. Strange, I was going to write "she was excited to give up on him." The words give up are not what I meant at all, at least not in the sense they are usually meant. I meant it in the way that I change it to. But when I read that giving up, what I myself wrote, I realized how accurate that was in my own life.

When I first came to grips with the fact that Chris was addicted to crack cocaine, not only did I feel relief but I felt that we could work through it now. Now that the truth was out. But as I delved further into how deep his lies had taken us and as I realized how seriously in trouble we were in on so many levels, it seemed impossible.

And soon, I didn't want it in my life. I didn't want him in my life. I, in essence, gave up. And I don't think it was because I was weak. I don't think it was because I didn't love him anymore. It was because he had caused too much damage. We had lost so much money, so much respect, so much freedom, and the worst thing to me was trust. I simply did not think I could get it back. And honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want to. I was excited to let go and be done with the entire situation.

Perhaps that was because I now knew I could make it on my own. Perhaps it was because if I had to go live with my parents no one could blame me. Perhaps it was because I knew that M would be there for me if I left Chris (when in all actuality M had no plans to be with me). But I had walked away from him in my heart.

When I finally decided to walk back, it was so hard. I still am not fully there. Like Mantramine said, "detached" if she goes back. And it is not only hard to go back, but it is hard to be detached to begin with. It's hard all around.

So I am back. I am back in my heart. I care. I do. And I am giving this a fighting chance. The detachment is different. It is so hard not to wonder if he has used again, why he is gone so long, why he is not answering his phone - so many things. But it's one step at a time for me, one day at a time. I hope one day I can be fully there, not always guarding my heart.

Detachment is different than what I mean there, I believe. But it is hard nonetheless. Each day is difficult, sometimes increasingly so. But if I really want it, I can do it.

Thursday, August 09, 2007


We sat down after I got off work last night and discussed our finances. We layed out a budget, which has been too long in coming. Then he called credit card companies to see what he could do about setting up a payment plan. It was a huge blessing - combined, two credit card companies dropped over $1500 for us. Not like we are special, but they dropped the late payments and overcharges and interest. I feel like we are not so deep in debt now.

We are still deep, but now it is beyond reasonable. We can pay things off a lot quicker than before. I feel so much better. It was also really nice to sit down and discuss things and handle things like adults. To figure out how much we are taking in and how much we can put out.

The next step is rebuilding our credit and I think that will be much easier than this. We do not plan on using our credit cards unless for emergencies, and now I can't wait to buy a house. My friend's sister has her realtor's license so I was able to look at houses we could afford. It is so exciting even though it is so far away. I can't wait to build that dream - to have our own house, and have our animals there, and get a puppy.

It is so exciting. Even though I do need a new car. Either way, I am so satisfied and happy that we finally got what was looming over my head settled. Now we just have to keep track of when bills are due and how much of it is due.

One baby step though - a giant leap for mankind.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Redeeming Myself

I hope so, at least.

M called about 1/2 an hour ago. I was on the other line at the time, so I looked at it, smiled to myself, and ignored it. Three minutes later, another call. I ignored it again.

No voicemail, but a few minutes later again, a text message reading "Made a mistake Please disregard my phone call" I am not sure what that means. Does it mean M made a mistake calling tonight, or calling last night? Does it mean M made a mistake because feelings are actually presenting themselves, or because I was offended by some comments?

I am itching to text back and need some encouragement, quick! I simply want to know what M meant! That's all! I feel like I am not being able to shove it in M's face the way I want to. I want to be able to send a text of question and get a response, and then ignore that. This just seems like I am doing just what M wants. Disregarding. And I want to disregard on my terms. I want to disregard with a dagger to M.

A dagger for using me. A dagger for coming back into my life. A dagger for thinking I would always be there. A dagger for the insults, when M knows absolutely nothing about me anymore, and never will. A dagger right to emotional heart.

Mean, I know. But honest. So I am torn between texting back to find out what M meant or simply not writing back at all ever.

I can be strong, right? I can stay above the temptation. I can. But it's so hard.

What a friggin idiot

Oh, why did I not listen to myself? Why did I not get that note of encouragement so badly needed to help me stay in the right direction (from Amy)? Instead, I saw it after I was nearly off the phone with M.

Yes, M called last night, and we talked for nearly 1 and 1/2 hours. I mainly listened, offered a little advice here and there, and then listened some more. Towards the end of the conversation, the focus was on me and some things M knew about back in the day. It turned sour quickly. M's opinion is based on M's own experiences and really doesn't know anything about mine. I started to take offense and ended up saying "Okay, well I don't really want to get into it so I'm going to go now. Have a good night." And M said "Whatever" or some snobby comment, and I said bye and hung up.

The reason for the offending is something I am not ready to get into on here yet, but it was strictly none of M's business anymore and nothing M would be knowledgeable about. Also, M has no idea of anything that has been going on. M does not know about Chris' crack addictions and the mess we are in. It offended me for M to presume to know things, to know how to solve things, to tell me something was easy when M has no clue.

Either way, I was a stupid idiot for even conversing. I know I was being used and I was okay with it. But I wish with all my heart I would have ignored the call. I wish I could have rejected M so M would know that I am not interested in these games. Which a couple of months ago, I wasn't. I told myself I wasn't. I wasn't going to do the half-ass things of talking once every couple months and that's it. So I need to stick to that.

I can do better than M. It was a good time in my life, a great time, but I am not going back to it and not looking back. I was hurt and M was hurt, and I am not interested in giving up some more of my heart to M when I am already a little too vulnerable for my liking.

I kind of wish M would call just so I could not answer. Hah. Evil, I know. But I need to practice some of the advice I gave - don't be so readily available. You're not in a relationship anymore. I wish I wasn't so f-ing dumb about it last night. I wish I would have been strong!!

I wish I would have not answered. M would have known why and I would have known why and it would have been a great message to send and now I am beating myself up.

Stupid stupid.

Monday, August 06, 2007

The Call

That old lover called last night. Apparently, M's relationship fell apart. M is again single.

For some sick and twisted reason, I found pleasure in that. I found that pleasure because the last time I talked to M, I was told that even had I decided to not marry Chris and to stay with M, it would not have mattered. M would have went off to be with the new flame the second it was possible. That crushed me.

Here I was, months into my marriage, wondering if I made a huge mistake by not picking M and wondering if M missed me, felt the same about me. But no. M had moved on beyond me, so far beyond there was not even a thought. And that's what was said.

So when M got ahold of me last night and told me that, I didn't know just what to think. "Old school advice" is what was said, but I can't help but thinking that M just was coming back to something familiar, something that gave solace, something that gave comfort. And why not go get advice from the one best friend since elementary school? Why me?

I couldn't talk long because my sister was coming over and she would not approve of this conversation. I told M that. Why did I tell M that? There was really no reason. No need to say that. But M said I should not say anything to my sister about us talking and I should call later.

Through the movie all I could think of was calling M. I am so pathetic! I am a married woman - my husband is in the next room! But I started to entertain thoughts of grandiosity - of me going over there, of talking, of starting something up. Maybe not even something romantic, but something on terms of friendliness again. Something where we are central in each other's lives as the greatest friends again.

I miss that - our friendship. The easy going way we had with each other. But I don't think it is possible to have again. We sabotaged it when we forged ahead with a deeper meaning to the relationship. And when that part ended, so did everything else good about us.

I wonder if this is how it will be though. Calling each other when we need to talk, when we need the "old school" comfort or when things get tough. We have that connection. Will it always be there? Will it always be there in that way that it is now? When we haven't talked for months and something sad or tragic happens we can just call each other up because we know we will be there for each other, and that we have that bond?

And if it is like that, I'm not sure it is safe. Every time the feelings for M seem to die down, there M is, right back in my life. I am so obviously not over M, and when we were in a relationship it was pretty unhealthy. Not that any relationships before that or after that were healthy, but nonetheless. I would do everything in my power to make M as happy as possible, usually disregarding my own feelings in the process. And I can see myself slipping back into that same pattern every time the phone rings.

M said nevermind about calling later then (too late) and we never did get to talk, but I layed awake for awhile thinking about the situation and situations to come and talking to M and not talking to M. I wonder if M will call back today. I highly doubt it. It's a new day. I bet clarity has come and I will no longer be needed. Yet I will hope I do get a call which is so dangerous and so wrong. I don't need this.

Why do I want it. I know no call will come - it was a moment of weakness on M's part, I can tell. And while I am busy conjugating things in my mind that I want to happen, M will be moving on. Like normal.