Oh, addicts

I am really worried. S, whom I have spoken about before on here many times, has not showed up for work today. It's 1:40pm. He told me he would meet me here at 8 so we could talk. He had two business meetings. He has not shown up. He has not called. He has not answered his phone for anyone. His mom (who works for us) doesn't know where he is.

I am worried because he is an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic to be precise. He has been on and off the wagon for 6 months, and was doing pretty good. But B has been up his butthole lately. I know he has been stressed out. He has a problem with drugs and alcohol. Chris has told me to have him go to a meeting with him. S has said he would sometime. But that has yet to be seen.

I am worried. Strangely, it reminds me so much of Chris. It reminds me of when he would not answer or come home or call or anything. And I would go out looking for him. I would drive around looking for his car. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Granted, it was 50 times worse when it was Chris, but this is a fraction of that feeling. I recognize it and hate it.

He is my friend, my good friend, and it is not like him to not show up or call. He is not that irresponsible. He is dedicated to work. So that is why I am worried.

For now, I just sit here waiting to hear something. For now, I just call his phone every hour to see if for some reason he answers. But what happens when he does? Do I offer him some company of myself and my addict husband?

I hope he is okay. He needs to call.

I Hate Myself Sometimes

Sometimes I hate myself. I just had a deeply satisfying, while highly unhealthy, meal for lunch. An order of onion rings and a nacho cheese hot dog. Why, why, why?! Tonight Chris and I are supposed to go out for dinner, supposedly.

And now I feel incredibly guilty. I am going to a concert on Tuesday and am doing so good with my weight loss that I thought for sure I would fit into my jeans by then. But when I eat like this...not looking too promising. Granted, I won't be eating a bunch of things like I had for lunch tonight, but still. I hate myself for doing that; and I wish I could exercise willpower.

It only happens like once a week, but still. Now I set myself back a day. Especially if I go out tonight! So I was talking to Rae and she said just to go out tonight and not eat a lot tomorrow. Even though I said maybe I should just go out tomorrow to even things out. I don't know. I just really want to keep losing healthily and to fit into that pair of jeans!!

It's not the end of the world if I don't fit into them by that exact day - I just really wanted to. I just really thought I could reach that goal. And I'm sure I could if I didn't eat out all week until Tuesday. And even if I didn't, I still wouldn't be at my maximum goal. That was just a little goal in between.

So what do I do? Eat tonight? Or eat tomorrow? At the restaurant, that is. I know it's not the end of the world but I have been so proud of myself for getting this far. I just really thought I could do it quickly. I suppose it I stay diligent all weekend and just eat what I normally do, and walk like I normally do, I'll be okay. But it's Labor Day weekend and I'm sure I will be invited to a barbecue and ugh. I am so obsessive about this.

So one time a week eating like a pig is okay, right? One day of stuffing myself. Just eat out tonight and be careful tomorrow. I just don't want to GAIN anything tonight. Which I'm afraid will happen. It probably will, I don't know what I'm saying. I'll just have to walk a lot.

I hate myself sometimes.

Give me a break!!

Have I ever written about my boss? I don't think I really have. Not the real boss, that is. I have written about my friend the boss, but this boss is nothing like my friend. He is the same person. He has many different personalities.

B has been my boss since February. I liked him since my interview. He is outgoing, friendly, funny - just a fun person to be around. However, he is also the most unique person I have ever met. He is obsessed, in a way that I have never seen, with sex. His life is sex. Now I know there are people out there (I used to be one of them!) who love sex and crave it constantly, but he is beyond normal. He constantly talks about every different kind of sex you can think of. He makes extremely inappropriate remarks, and is a frequent shopper at our local porn shop. He violates the women employees in many ways, but often gives kindly $100 bills "for no reason."

For awhile, I thought he was nice. I thought he was just being kind and compassionate to us poor folks who need money. But I figured it out after awhile that he is basically paying us to stay quiet. Paying us to let him be crude and rude and wrong. He has done so many inappropriate things that I do not even want to mention on here because it is embarrassing and humiliating. Maybe I will mention them on Cuntface.

As I got to know B, he turned out to be nothing like what I originally thought. This is shameful to me because I am usually excellent at reading people and judging them on first impressions. Lately, he has been a real asshole.

He is the owner of the company and has worked with S, my other boss just under B, for the last 15 years. Yet he still does not trust S. S has never stolen, never done anything wrong to B. He is in constant watch over S, checking his timesheets, checking all of his work, and constantly down-talking him behind his back.

My loyalty used to be to B. Perhaps it's because he used to slip me bills, or perhaps it's because I felt "closer" to him. But then I started to work with S. S has become one of my good friends. I see all the work he does. He is not a sexual harasser. Also, I work directly for S.

Yesterday, B came into my office, saw S's payroll (I do all payroll) and complained about it in a not-so-subtle way, yet not-so-verbal way as well. I asked him point blank if there was anything more he would like to see. After typing into his calculator (yes, he is one of those), he said no. He found out all he needed to know - as if he was paying S too much. Let me also state here that this company has no benefits. None. S has never had benefits through this company.

So besides that annoying me, he then proceeded to asked why I had not made S' hours available on the "server" before he left for vacation. We got into a little disagreement then about how I had, they were there, and he just didn't know how to access them. B then went out to ask the computer guy to show him.

I sent him a message stating that I was leaving. And I left. A couple minutes later I get a call from Rae that is saying that he wants the print out of the the payroll. Through a series of events that I will not bore you with, he exploded on Rae about how nothing ever gets done the way he wants. No one listens to him. He then complained to my office manager about how she was not supposed to tell S what he said about S' payroll.

I realize this is getting long and I'm sure it will mean nothing to all of you, but the long and short of it is that he is a huge jerk. He takes everyone for granted, is unappreciative, a micro-manager, rude, and wrong on all sorts of levels.

So today, I was all prepared for a fight. Normally after disagreeing with him for a minute, I will say okay or something to just end it. But I was ready today. I am done being demeaned and disrespected and I was ready to go at it. But he has ignored me all day. It was fine at first, but now I just want to yell at him and get it off my chest. Stop being so immature. We are not 8. We don't ignore. We talk about our problems.

Then again, he has been immature since day 1. What was once his charm is now his downfall.

Update -and- it's my fault

Today is a very good day! I stepped on the scale...and I have lost 11 pounds total! 11 pounds out of the 20 I need to lose, soooo, that is a good day.

I have been waiting and depriving myself of such unhealthy yet delicious food, but when the time comes like this, it is certainly a payoff. I know when I get back to my normal weight I have to be careful about what I eat so I don't go right back up, but I know what to do and I know that I will maintain my weight once I get back there.

Life has been pretty slow lately. There is no traumatic news or huge update to tell you all. I am back at work; and I start my new job on the 10th of September. It is coming quick, and I am little nervous. Starting new jobs always scares me a little. Not knowing anyone and having to learn an entirely new set of rules, systems, etc., freaks me out. But I know I will be fine.

I realize I have not posted Background #5 yet so I promise I will get to that soon. I am not able to write as much during work because I actually have to train someone and concentrate on getting things done because I am leaving. However, I will do it soon.

It's funny that I usually only write a lot when things are stressful and I need to vent. When things are going well though, I guess I just want to savor them and not blog about them. But things with Chris are good. He is attending his meetings regularly and does things around the house so much.

I should really express how grateful and proud I am to him, but like I said, I tend to turn into a cold heartless bitch most of the time. I wish I knew how to not do that. I am the one who is making this not work; I am the one who is making this fail. I wish I could just magically fix that with my magical hoohah.

Now that I think about it, I really need to work on that - I just don't know how. I want to be more loving and open, but I am not doing a good job. I want to show him my gratefulness, my proudness. I am the reason for the problems. He did all he can do. I need to forgive and let go. So hard though. I am being incredibly bitter and shutting myself down. I don't know how to open myself up. He is making so much progress yet I am holding on to the past.

Wow. It's my fault. The way it is now - it's my fault.

8 Random Things

I have been tagged by Missunderstandings. I am supposed to say 8 random things about me...so...here it goes.

1. I love when it is raining in the morning and dark yet, especially when I am not working so I can sleep.
2. I say things without thinking of how they will affect other people all the time. Big mouth.
3. My favorite food is potatoes. I love any and every kind, minus sweet.
4. I love to write. I have written 3 novels. I was in the process of publishing, but I quit.
5. My favorite musical artist is Damien Rice. He can touch your soul like no one can.
6. I have serious friend issues. I become jealous and insecure over everything.
7. I married a crack addict. :)
8. I don't like to get too personal.

I think I get to tag 3 people now. So I am tagging Married to my Ex, Behind Pinned Eyes, and Mantramine.

Anniversary expectations...upheld!

The anniversary yesterday was done very well. Chris woke me up with decorating the kitchen with red streamers and a bouncy bow hanging from the fan. On the table under it was a vase filled with beautiful flowers of all different colors, and next to that was a plate filled with waffles. There was a clean, single plate in front of a chair - all for me. I love waffles so much and haven't had them forever! So I was able to eat waffles soaked in syrup and butter and share them with the man I love.

And my present, aside from a bag of Pizza Combos (yum!!) and a couple candy bars, was a diamond necklace. Yes, a diamond necklace. So he did a couple things right on our first anniversary!

It was a good day. We spent the day together and later on went out for dinner with my family because my siblings are leaving for school. It was a nice day.

I do have some other things to discuss, but I will do that in a different post.