Friday, December 07, 2007


Last night we were arguing. Nothing new, nothing surprising. Rae called and asked if we would go on a double date with a guy that she previously dated. I'm all for it, because lately it is the only way I can see Rae at all. But Chris - not so much. He is not a fan of the double dates.

The fight escalated into so many thing that it shouldn't have been. All I really wanted was for him to say okay. He doesn't have to enjoy it. But I just wanted him to sacrifice for me. Sacrifice a few hours of his life, and make me happy. We are going to dinner. There is food involved. It was turning into a huge deal and it was really hurting me. We have had this discussion so many times.
I know he doesn't enjoy the same things I do. I know he doesn't particularly want to go. But I don't really want him to be gone at NA's all the time.

The thing is, I don't think he really realizes how much I have sacrificed and lost for him. I know he does things around the house and he tries to be a good husband now, but that's it. It's now. It's not then. I know I probably need to forgive but that is way too easy to say. I just want him to realize what he put me through. I just want him to realize that for the first 7 months of our marriage, he was married to crack. He was never around. I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I lived alone. And when he "decided" through his arrest that he would become "clean", I lost him again to 3 nights of NA.

I don't want to sound like a complaining bitch who is not happy that he doing what he should be doing. I am glad that he is doing this - to get support, to have friends, to be involved with something greater than himself and greater than drugs. But at the same time, when he tells me I never do what HE wants, I believe in essence I am doing what HE wants every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, when I sit at home and veg in front of the tv. It is not my choice to be alone so often. I would love to go do something. I would love to do something every week, just the two of us.

There is a church thing. Every Wednesday. I would like to do that with my husband. But when I said that last night in the heat of the argument, he said "I'm sorry...but Wednesday's are my home group." Oh, your HOME group! Well, I'm sorry. I'm only your wife. Have never been the priority. but I would like to be.

I want him to get his priorities straight. I want him to WANT to put my first, not only do it because I tell him to.

It's not only about the fricken' double date. It's about compromise; it's about sacrifice. It's about doing things that you may not want to because you love that person. Apparently, I am way too far ahead of him for him to even try to grasp onto that knowledge.


Anonymous said...

I know just how you feel. My husband has a cocaine problem. No matter if he gets clean or not his life still revolves around him. He, no matter what I do or say, will never understand the sacrifice I make to support his decisions. He will never realize what it is like to comprimise.

Amy said...

You have married a self-absorbed person. He was self absorbed when he was using and he is self absorbed when he is clean. Did you know this when you were dating? Is it truly a surprise? Did you think it would be different because you got married? Did you date him long enough to truly know his character?
If you are going to stay in this marriage, you have to make some changes in the part that YOU can control. You need to find things to do a few nights/week that make you happier. Sitting around in front of the tv is not your only choice and you know that. It is a default fall-back lazy way to spend time that makes you feel bad about yourself and you use to make him feel guilty.
Take a class, see a friend, plan dinner at your parents' a night a week, start a hobby, go work out. It is a GOOD THING that he is involved in NA, it is FAR better than anything else he could be doing, right? If you choose to use your time constructively, (not every night he is gone, but one or two per week), you are going to feel more satisfied, more fulfilled, be happier when he IS home, have more to talk with him about. It will all work out so much better.
Yes, he was a terrible husband in the beginning. No arguement there. But if you are unpleasant enough when he is home, that isn't going to make it a place he wants to be either.
I agree he should GRACIOUSLY go out with your friends once in a while - with NO COMPLAINING. But I also think that you should see your girlfriends on your own, without the guys there, if AT ALL possible.
From what you wrote, I wouldn't say you are 'ahead of him.' I think you both have lots to learn and grow, just in different areas.
I don't mean to be harsh - but I know you are a smart, strong young woman and you can take it and use it to make yourself better.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Hey, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are. Glad you posted! It's funny, I feel guilty resenting the time my husband spends at meetings, because I know it is making him a healthier person and in the end making our relationship stronger, but I still resent it sometimes anyway.

Anonymous said...

I have been living with my boyfriend for over two years. It was this year in May, that I found out that he was snorting heroin. My life seemed so fake at that moment, I felt like running and never looking back. But, I did not. I stayed... and tried to help. He told me he wanted to changed and so I helped him I took care of bills and his methadone outpatient visits. He seemed to be getting better. But, I just resently cought him doing it again. This time I felt angry at myself, for being so stupid. I like you have had to spend most of my afternoons alone, weekends alone, I cook, clean, and worry about paying bills all on my own. He is a walking zombie. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I can not take this any longer. He has lied to everyone we know. Although he is working and daily works overtime, he is alway short of money and he still asks his friends to let him borrown money. I'm just hanging on by a thread. What should I do?

thejunkyswife said...

Hi lady! I'm glad to see you're back. You were on my mind. I'm going to send you and email now.

Recovery Discovery said...

I make many compromises/sacrifices for my partner, and often wish she'd do the same for me. I also know that na is such a good thing for her, but find myself resentful when she goes out with her na friends when I've begged her to go out with me.

Mantramine just named it for me on her recent post. She said, "I realized that we both spend more time thinking about him, than either of us spends thinking about me, including me."

For me, that names the problem, but it also names the solution. What's really helping me is focusing on me. I don't feel so resentful of her when I'm focusing more on myself. Having my own recovery program (naranon) with my own support network is really helping me. And, as I'm letting go of some of my expectations, she's suiting up and showing up for me more and more.

Anonymous said...

It's me again (the one with the boyfriend who snorts heroin). I am still with him and it has gotten worse although he is not snorting heroin anymore, instead is on a methadone maintenance program, I feel like the methadone has completely klled the boyfriend I knew, he is no longer the person I decided to spend my life with, he has changed, he is just a walking zoombie. He does work, but mainly to pay off al the dept he got himself into due to drug addiction. When he comes home all he does is sleep. And, just wakes up to go to work. It's a routine now, It seems as I no longer exist! I'm home alone when I come home from work and alone at night while he sleeps. I can not move foward if I continue to be here, he has promised to change but, I see nothing. He may have decided to get help but, his behaviors remain the same, he knows he's loosing me but does not try to change it. What should I do???