Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I want it and I want it now.

The first day went easier than planned. I assumed it would be miserable, smaller portions, barely eating at all. It was fine, in actuality, and that was probably because I was so excited about the end result. But the thing about me is that I am so incredibly impatient. If I want something, I will have it right then. I do not think of the consequences or reactions or anything before I do it.

If I want a tattoo, I will go do it. I will not sit and think about it for weeks, wondering if I should. I will not contemplate what I want or where I want it. For the most part, if I know what I want on my body for the rest of my life, I will go do it. And so far, that plan has worked well for me. I do not regret any of the tattoos I have, or any of the piercings.

But weight is different. I do not get to just lose weight the second I want to. I woke up this morning weighing the same as yesterday morning, which I suppose is all fine and well, but I was hoping to be at least one pound lighter. I am aware that one pound a day is probably not the most healthy way to go about losing weight, but like I said, I am incredibly impatient.

So this morning, as I headed to work and sat in my office staring at my screen, the hunger pains took over my body. Yesterday it was so much easier to fight them, but today I just couldn't do it. I had some custard in the freezer in the work kitchen, so I made my way to it, hastily I might add, and could hardly wait for it to be come soft enough to shove that plastic spoon in. In fact, I waited for about two minutes before taking a bite out of the delicious hard cream.

I only had a couple bites, and even now I do not feel guilty. If anything, I just feel mad that I did not lose one more pound. If anything, I hate how I don't fit into those skirts. I hate how skinny I used to be, and now I am still pounds away from that. It sucks. Patience is not something I possess.

I already thought about dinner tonight and how after I ate the minimum portion so as not to fill myself, Chris and I go walk around the neighborhood again. But I remembered that today is Wednesday, however strange that seems, and NA is today. Now that I am typing it, I am sure he will call me shortly, on his break from work (work!) to inquire about giving his friend a ride.

I gave myself to the end of June, at most, to reach my goal of weight loss. My extreme goal was by the end of next week, and I will still aim for that. But if that fails, I will certainly be okay with the end of June. I think. I hope. If I can manage to wait that long. I don't really have much of a choice. I guess I could simply starve myself. Or just eat and eat and eat and forget about this stupid diet thing. Absolute ludicrous. Never in a million years did I think I would be on a diet.

Then again, never in a million years did I think I would be married a crack addict.

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