Thursday, June 21, 2007

That lover

I'm thinking about that lover today. The one that was everything to me for so long. The one I would have given my heart to had I not been so afraid of others.

I haven't talked to this lover in months. The last time we talked was around my birthday, two months ago today. Perhaps that is where this sudden nostalgia is coming from. I read something about this person today. Back in college. I smiled when I read it, not even a smile of evilness or a smile of secret happiness over their plight of dropping out and finding nothing that satisfies them.

I smiled because I was glad that they are back in school. But sadness overwhelmed me quickly thereafter. My best friend - my one - is back in school and I had to read about it to find out. No talking about it, no helping make that decision.

My ex-lover is in a relationship now too. I wonder if this new person satisfies mine in the way I did. I wonder if " the new" makes my lover shake in ecstasy. I wonder if my lover thinks of me at all. If I am ever on the forefront of their mind. I wonder if I mean as much to my lover as they mean to me, still.

Its hardly ever like this now. I am content and happy, mostly, with the life I chose to live. With the person I chose to spend my life with. But sometimes the days are harder than others; sometimes I miss my ex more than I have ever missed anything or anyone in life. Sometimes I wish I could take back the last 10 months and just be with this person.

The story may not be over. But I made my choice. I will always wonder what could have been. Could I have been truly happy? Could I have made them truly happy? Could we have lived, just the two of us, committed, for the rest of our lives, or would my ex stray, not being satisfied with only me?

Only one person knows of this. Only one person knows of me and my ex. But no one will ever fathom quite the way it was. I miss our life then so much, so often. But things are different now.

And honestly, I am happy. The memories aren't so poignant anymore. And I live my life with Chris, however many lies fill it, knowing he is mine. My only.

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