Should be proud

Guess who messaged me last night? Yes, M. M the ex. I stared at it for awhile, but thankfully, I was on the phone with that friend from back home, and had some distraction. When I got off the phone, M was still on, still waiting for a response.

Chris and the friend told me to ignore it or to say I was busy. But it was taking all my willpower not to respond. So I text messaged my sister, asking her for advice quickly. She said ignore at all costs. So I did. I ignored at all costs.

And I should feel happy. I should feel proud that I ignored. But instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment and finally one-up-ment, I feel sad. I feel like I am missing out on what could be a beautiful friendship. It could, couldn't it? I know, I know. I am just talking myself into this craziness, and I should be proud for ignoring. But I am not that kind of person. I am friendly. I am nice. I don't ignore. I don't ignore friends.

I know M is not my friend. M has been using me. But what if I needed M? Really truly needed? I know M would be there for me. So is it really using if I just have not taken M up on the "usage"?

But I am reminded, by someone who commented, the reason I am ignoring M is because of my deep feelings that haven't went away. And I need to ignore M because it only wreaks havoc on my emotions after the talking. Maybe I should tell M that I can't talk anymore because of my feelings?

Oh brother. Well. I should be proud, right.

Redeeming Myself

I hope so, at least.

M called about 1/2 an hour ago. I was on the other line at the time, so I looked at it, smiled to myself, and ignored it. Three minutes later, another call. I ignored it again.

No voicemail, but a few minutes later again, a text message reading "Made a mistake Please disregard my phone call" I am not sure what that means. Does it mean M made a mistake calling tonight, or calling last night? Does it mean M made a mistake because feelings are actually presenting themselves, or because I was offended by some comments?

I am itching to text back and need some encouragement, quick! I simply want to know what M meant! That's all! I feel like I am not being able to shove it in M's face the way I want to. I want to be able to send a text of question and get a response, and then ignore that. This just seems like I am doing just what M wants. Disregarding. And I want to disregard on my terms. I want to disregard with a dagger to M.

A dagger for using me. A dagger for coming back into my life. A dagger for thinking I would always be there. A dagger for the insults, when M knows absolutely nothing about me anymore, and never will. A dagger right to emotional heart.

Mean, I know. But honest. So I am torn between texting back to find out what M meant or simply not writing back at all ever.

I can be strong, right? I can stay above the temptation. I can. But it's so hard.

What a friggin idiot

Oh, why did I not listen to myself? Why did I not get that note of encouragement so badly needed to help me stay in the right direction (from Amy)? Instead, I saw it after I was nearly off the phone with M.

Yes, M called last night, and we talked for nearly 1 and 1/2 hours. I mainly listened, offered a little advice here and there, and then listened some more. Towards the end of the conversation, the focus was on me and some things M knew about back in the day. It turned sour quickly. M's opinion is based on M's own experiences and really doesn't know anything about mine. I started to take offense and ended up saying "Okay, well I don't really want to get into it so I'm going to go now. Have a good night." And M said "Whatever" or some snobby comment, and I said bye and hung up.

The reason for the offending is something I am not ready to get into on here yet, but it was strictly none of M's business anymore and nothing M would be knowledgeable about. Also, M has no idea of anything that has been going on. M does not know about Chris' crack addictions and the mess we are in. It offended me for M to presume to know things, to know how to solve things, to tell me something was easy when M has no clue.

Either way, I was a stupid idiot for even conversing. I know I was being used and I was okay with it. But I wish with all my heart I would have ignored the call. I wish I could have rejected M so M would know that I am not interested in these games. Which a couple of months ago, I wasn't. I told myself I wasn't. I wasn't going to do the half-ass things of talking once every couple months and that's it. So I need to stick to that.

I can do better than M. It was a good time in my life, a great time, but I am not going back to it and not looking back. I was hurt and M was hurt, and I am not interested in giving up some more of my heart to M when I am already a little too vulnerable for my liking.

I kind of wish M would call just so I could not answer. Hah. Evil, I know. But I need to practice some of the advice I gave - don't be so readily available. You're not in a relationship anymore. I wish I wasn't so f-ing dumb about it last night. I wish I would have been strong!!

I wish I would have not answered. M would have known why and I would have known why and it would have been a great message to send and now I am beating myself up.

Stupid stupid.

The Call

That old lover called last night. Apparently, M's relationship fell apart. M is again single.

For some sick and twisted reason, I found pleasure in that. I found that pleasure because the last time I talked to M, I was told that even had I decided to not marry Chris and to stay with M, it would not have mattered. M would have went off to be with the new flame the second it was possible. That crushed me.

Here I was, months into my marriage, wondering if I made a huge mistake by not picking M and wondering if M missed me, felt the same about me. But no. M had moved on beyond me, so far beyond there was not even a thought. And that's what was said.

So when M got ahold of me last night and told me that, I didn't know just what to think. "Old school advice" is what was said, but I can't help but thinking that M just was coming back to something familiar, something that gave solace, something that gave comfort. And why not go get advice from the one best friend since elementary school? Why me?

I couldn't talk long because my sister was coming over and she would not approve of this conversation. I told M that. Why did I tell M that? There was really no reason. No need to say that. But M said I should not say anything to my sister about us talking and I should call later.

Through the movie all I could think of was calling M. I am so pathetic! I am a married woman - my husband is in the next room! But I started to entertain thoughts of grandiosity - of me going over there, of talking, of starting something up. Maybe not even something romantic, but something on terms of friendliness again. Something where we are central in each other's lives as the greatest friends again.

I miss that - our friendship. The easy going way we had with each other. But I don't think it is possible to have again. We sabotaged it when we forged ahead with a deeper meaning to the relationship. And when that part ended, so did everything else good about us.

I wonder if this is how it will be though. Calling each other when we need to talk, when we need the "old school" comfort or when things get tough. We have that connection. Will it always be there? Will it always be there in that way that it is now? When we haven't talked for months and something sad or tragic happens we can just call each other up because we know we will be there for each other, and that we have that bond?

And if it is like that, I'm not sure it is safe. Every time the feelings for M seem to die down, there M is, right back in my life. I am so obviously not over M, and when we were in a relationship it was pretty unhealthy. Not that any relationships before that or after that were healthy, but nonetheless. I would do everything in my power to make M as happy as possible, usually disregarding my own feelings in the process. And I can see myself slipping back into that same pattern every time the phone rings.

M said nevermind about calling later then (too late) and we never did get to talk, but I layed awake for awhile thinking about the situation and situations to come and talking to M and not talking to M. I wonder if M will call back today. I highly doubt it. It's a new day. I bet clarity has come and I will no longer be needed. Yet I will hope I do get a call which is so dangerous and so wrong. I don't need this.

Why do I want it. I know no call will come - it was a moment of weakness on M's part, I can tell. And while I am busy conjugating things in my mind that I want to happen, M will be moving on. Like normal.

Background #4

A month after New Year's Eve, literally January 31st, he didn't come home. And to be quite honest, I can't even remember how long he was gone. It could have been one night, it could have been 1/2 a day, it could have been two nights.

It's funny, isn't it? How your memory does that to you? So many things I don't remember. I try so hard to remember. I think I am trying to protect myself by blocking out painful things.

All I remember was that his parents knew he was not home, again. I was so calm and relaxed. I only started worrying when they said they were coming over. I knew something had happened then. I knew something bad. I didn't think death; I thought jail. I thought a crime. Something we would have to go through. And sadly, sometimes I wished it was death. It sounds so horrible to say, but I was living in hell and couldn't bear much more.

They came up and we stood in the kitchen for what seemed like eternity before I said "Okay, what happened." Negatively, preparing for the worst. I remember his mom saying the exact words, "Well, he's not dead." Sarcastically, annoyed. And I knew that whatever he had done was possibly worse than death. I knew that everything I had been going through and every moment was culiminating to this.

He was in jail. He was arrested the night before for something with drugs. They didn't know much else. I stood there. I just stood there. His parents stood there too. We just stared on. I finally said "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

What a ridiculous question! What stupidity! Like they were going to tell me what to do with my life. Like they were going to tell me how to handle their fucked-up son. Like I would listen to their answers anyways.

I started crying then. I did not want to cry in front of them - such vulnerabilty, such a show of emotion for people I did not show emotion in front of. His dad hugged me then, held me really, for an eternity, minutes upon minutes.

They told me they would not leave me alone. They wanted me to call someone, and I told them I would. But who to call? No one really knew what I was going through. No one knew anything. I could not just surprise them with this thing - completely out of the blue. Besides, I didn't need anybody.

But I told them I would call my friend. I told them I would call Amber. And true to my word, I did call her. But she was in another city and could not get back.

I spent the night by myself, knowing my husband, my brand new husband, was sitting in county.

Interlude #2 (The affair)

After he proposed in December, things were going great. We were excited and anticipant (word?) of the upcoming wedding date we had set. Our minds, or at least mine, was in a flurry over plans and things to be done.

It seemed to go so slow. Little did I know that in March, Chris started doing crack cocaine. And at the end of March, he was arrested with his first (and only) DUI. Needless to say, while this angered and confused me, I stayed with him. And looking back on this, I am sure the majority of it was because I was so freakin' excited over getting married. I didn't stop to think about the future, the real future.

I did not know he was doing drugs during this time. He was acting the same as he had before he started and things were still going well.

During this time, I started a relationship with M. We had been best friends for 3 years and embarked, without planning to, into a romantic relationship. I could not stop it. I did not want to stop it. I was in love with M. There was no one else I had connected this deep with.

I cannot explain the passion I felt, or the passion we had towards each other. But because of my parents and their strict religious viewpoints, and because of my deep founded respect (and co-dependence) for them, I told M that I was going to marry Chris.

Don't get me wrong. I loved Chris. I loved him so much. But he did not make me as happy as M did. M could not promise me forever. And even if there was that promise, I don't know if I could have been able to live that way. To possibly lose my family.

So now, looking back, I am filled with even more questions. Did I make the wrong decision? My husband was addicted to crack cocaine even then. If I had known that, would I have dropped him all together?

There are days though, more often than not, that I am very happy that I chose Chris. That I am forging ahead with him as my life partner. We have great times. We have horrible times. But in the end, I am happy I chose him.

And after the conversation with M yesterday, I learned that had I chosen differently, I would have chosen wrong. Chris is mine. I am his.

This affair is one of my saddest and happiest moments. Great memories, but a guilt I hold looking back at our engagement. M and I broke it off the day I got married. Our future was finalized then. M called when I got back from the honeymoon, but things were not the same.

And since then, we have talked probably a total of two or three times. For birthdays mostly.

I miss M. And it's hard to let go of the past. Of good memories and bad ones. But I have to. I am growing happier and more content each day.

I am rambling. I will start over.

Interlude #1

I find it interesting - reading my own background. Funny how that works, isn't it? Seeing how even when I was 16-years-old, a child!, I ignored my gut about this guy who lied. It's interesting to me now, that the same gut feeling I had back then, I have even now.

I am not saying I made a mistake. I am not saying I didn't make a mistake. I just find it so fascinating that I had all these clues right in front of me, even back then, that he was not the man he said he was, and I ignored it because I loved him. I let them all slip by.

What is it about me, I wonder?

I feel this part of the story may be somewhat important, as I was reflecting on it earlier today. Right before Chris and I broke up, I met a guy whom I had known briefly at the two-year university.

During this time, before Chris and I ended, he became a very good friend. We took the bus to the school to save gas, and we talked on the way there every day. When Chris and I were done, he became one of my best friends. We would talk nightly, on the bus, and other times as well. He was completely the rebound guy in every sense of the word.

He was beautiful, intelligent, caring, sensitive - he was an amazing man. About three months after the split, this man (W) and I started dating. At first, it was great. I had never dated anyone besides Chris, nonetheless anyone like W.

We had fun all the time. It was never boring. We fit perfectly into each other's lives. He was very family-oriented, as am I. I loved his family; I loved his house. We would spend hours just walking and talking. His sister and I became great friends.

I was so comfortable around him. I am not the kind of person who falls asleep during movies. It is impossible. But I would fall asleep in his arms, and would not wake up until 3 in the morning. My parents never had any qualms or concerns with me getting home at 4am. I loved this. They loved W. They had no reason to doubt him or his sincerity or his honesty. They knew he was a great guy. It was refreshing.

But soon, when stupid little fights occurred, (nothing big could happen that early on!) I would call him "Chris" or insult him with something in regards to Chris. I knew this was completely wrong, and hurtful, but I did it anyways. Kind of as a protection to myself.

I thought about Chris sometimes. Not frequently though; and it certainly bothered W when Chris started his texting and calling. I can see and understand why completely.

Towards the end of W's and my relationship, I started doubting whether I wanted to be with W instead of Chris. W knew this. We talked about everything. And eventually, he broke it off. It was amicable - I agreed it was the right decision - but hurt feelings still remained.

Funny, now that I look back on it.

Do I crave drama? Can I not survive without it? Am I a co-dependent with drama issues? I think I am. And of course, he had nothing for me to fix. He was just the kind of man a normal woman is looking for. A normal, non-co-dependent woman. Unfortunately for me, and however fortunate for him, he had no issues that I could find.

The ones I could find could be easily fixed. And my heart belonged to someone else.

It makes me sad to think about what could have been. The memories give me good thoughts, but it still makes me sad. He was a great person and I did not treat him as such.

That was one little interlude. I debated whether or not it was important, or whether or not to share it, but as I wrote it, I can see that it really did play a big part.

Memory

I'm feeling kind of down right now. I was reading MPJ's blog, and I read one about she had entitled My Past: The Cast. One of the entries was so startingly like my life, that I felt about to cry and immediately sunk down into memory land. I refer to it as "sinking down" because there is nothing up about it. At least not yet. Maybe after years and years of memory repression - purposeful memory repression - I will move on from the pain and heartbreak of past mistakes, but for now, I am wallowing it and can't seem to move out.

I hope you are doing well. I hope you are happy.

That lover

I'm thinking about that lover today. The one that was everything to me for so long. The one I would have given my heart to had I not been so afraid of others.

I haven't talked to this lover in months. The last time we talked was around my birthday, two months ago today. Perhaps that is where this sudden nostalgia is coming from. I read something about this person today. Back in college. I smiled when I read it, not even a smile of evilness or a smile of secret happiness over their plight of dropping out and finding nothing that satisfies them.

I smiled because I was glad that they are back in school. But sadness overwhelmed me quickly thereafter. My best friend - my one - is back in school and I had to read about it to find out. No talking about it, no helping make that decision.

My ex-lover is in a relationship now too. I wonder if this new person satisfies mine in the way I did. I wonder if " the new" makes my lover shake in ecstasy. I wonder if my lover thinks of me at all. If I am ever on the forefront of their mind. I wonder if I mean as much to my lover as they mean to me, still.

Its hardly ever like this now. I am content and happy, mostly, with the life I chose to live. With the person I chose to spend my life with. But sometimes the days are harder than others; sometimes I miss my ex more than I have ever missed anything or anyone in life. Sometimes I wish I could take back the last 10 months and just be with this person.

The story may not be over. But I made my choice. I will always wonder what could have been. Could I have been truly happy? Could I have made them truly happy? Could we have lived, just the two of us, committed, for the rest of our lives, or would my ex stray, not being satisfied with only me?

Only one person knows of this. Only one person knows of me and my ex. But no one will ever fathom quite the way it was. I miss our life then so much, so often. But things are different now.

And honestly, I am happy. The memories aren't so poignant anymore. And I live my life with Chris, however many lies fill it, knowing he is mine. My only.