Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Trust Issues

It's funny how before this job, I lived for going onto Blogger and reading everyone's blogs. Now I am so beyond busy ... I barely have time to do anything! When I get home, I just want to eat and walk and watch TV and do nothing with the computer. I love reading your blogs and writing in my home, but I feel so swamped with everything else - I simply have no energy to read anything!

It was so helpful to read everyone's blogs when Chris first came out of the addiction closet. This was exactly what I needed and continues to be so. I just wanted to thank you all so much - the ones of you who are new to me, and the ones who have been with me from the beginning. Thanks for being there then, with the hundreds of posts, and now, with the few I have time for.

Chris is doing so much better, it seems. There's that word again - seems. Like I said in an earlier post, seems. I don't want to claim to know if I don't. I don't want to look oblivious if he is not. Which I obviously would be because I don't see anything like the past right now. So to me, he is good. It is nice to not to worry about where he is, who he is with, when he'll be back, why he isn't answering his phone, etc.

Don't get me wrong. I am still constantly worrying about the money. It sucks. I hate it. Why am I still worried? What is he doing? Is he buying cigarettes, which he claims he does not smoke, with the credit card? What is he buying? I hate that. I want to know when I will start trusting again. I want to start trusting again. I want to not doubt what he is saying. How do I do that? How can I get over it?

6 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I know what you mean. I have over 100 posts in Google reader that I have yet to read. How did that happen?

On the trust thing -- I still don't trust what my husband says, only what I can see, everything else is off in that vague land of Maybe... And I let it be.

thejunkyswife said...

Yeah...

My sponsor said not to even begin to think about trusting him until he has a year of clean time. That helped me give myself permission not to trust him until he's earned it in a real way.

Addicted 2 my addict said...

you can..its just going to take time and patience alot of each.

Recovery Discovery said...

I really love the word "seems." It's my latest, and one of my best recovery tools. I give you credit for it all the time. As for the trust thing, I credit MPJ with "a new kind of trust." If you haven't read it, go check it out on her site. (http://mamampj.blogspot.com/2007/04/new-kind-of-trust.html)

sKILLz said...

I seem to get so far behin on my reading and I hate that. Feels like I will never catch up.

The trust I think comes with time and him showing you that you can in fact trust him.
I know its hard but its something he has to show and prove to you. Its not something thats just born overnight.

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