Monday, October 15, 2007

Truth

I guess I’m back. I will be honest – I am completely unmotivated. I have been completely unmotivated to do anything. It is not like I am sitting at home depressed. I just have no motivation. If I plan to do something, then I look forward to it and will do it with everything I have. But lately, I don’t look forward to much and I don’t plan much.

I am aggravated easily.

Something bad happened a couple days ago. Not bad like Chris using again. But bad, like I got the truth when I don’t really know if I wanted it. I do that a lot. I ask question of him: “Where did you do it? Did you do it in my car? Did you smoke with other girls? Did you do it everyday? How many times a day? Did you do it on our wedding day?” Etc., etc., etc. The list can go on.

With my new job, I find myself driving around the city to visits and wondering if he did it here, or there. If he was in this dangerous place or that one. And so my curiosity finally got the best of me. We went on walk the other day and I asked him. I asked him everything I could think of. The questions come up a lot. They don’t ever stop. I could simply be singing away in my car, minding my own business, and BAM. A question. Something I need to know.

So on this particular day, I got a bunch of things answered. I found out where he did it – the specific streets. Streets I travel on. I found out that he lied, again. Ever since the truth came out, and I say that because I will not say “ever since he came clean” because he didn’t. He did not come clean with me. He did not willingly say to me that he was a crackhead. No, he was arrested. He was caught and that is how it came out.

So I will say again, ever since the truth came out, I lived with that. I lived with what I knew. I had my own image of what he did on a daily, nightly, weekly basis. But after all my questions poured out of me like vomit, I found out that not only was he doing crack on those days, he was also going to the casino two or three times a week with our money. OUR money. Apparently it wasn’t enough that he was buying crack to shove into his lungs, he also needed to waste our money at a fucking casino.

After he came out, and he had the one friend I approved of left over, they wanted to go to the casino. I figured that this was a relatively safe, fun, un-drug-using activity. I’m not a moron though. I know it’s addicting behavior and he has an addictive personality. But I didn’t want to restrict him on everything. And this kid was decent.

So off he went to be an addict. Off he went to gamble away our money. So when he told me that he used to go to the casino all the time when he was doing drugs, I cannot even tell you how that made me feel.

The fact that here I was, thinking I was being nice, thinking I was letting him rarely, sometimes go to the casino, when all along he had been going dozens of times, stealing my money, and enjoying himself made me sick. It made me so mad, infuriated. I could not even comprehend the anger I felt. If I had known, if I had had ONE little inkling, I never in a million years would have let him go to the casino when he had been going there all along.

I felt horrified. I felt betrayed. And what I can name now – taken advantage of. My kindness after EVERYTHING he had put me, us, our marriage through, and he had been doing it all along, was undeserved. I would have GLADLY taken away that privilege if I had known that that is another place all of our money went to. Just writing about it now makes me so unbelievably mad. Does it make sense? Does anyone else understand what I am saying?

The simple fact that I thought I was being nice. I thought I was being NICE. And he was just taking more of our money to a place I never knew he went to THREE TIMES a week. I would have banned that place from him. It hurts.

Do I really want to know all these little truths that may mean nothing to him but sting me down to my bone? Do I really want them to keep coming out over the years? Or is ignorance bliss.

6 comments:

Addicted 2 my addict said...

I no exactlly how you feel there are million things i want to ask F.
I want to know where he would do it, with who, when, where did he get the money, what he stole blah blah blah. Asking him now only makes me mad, upset, hurt...makes me feel betrayed. I think those things arent really important for use to know now. We know what was going on..We're not dumb to hear all the dirty details of it now.. months even a year later just makes me sick and somethings are better left unsaid. Sure id really love to just know.. but at the same time it was all so long ago and i don't want to hurt anymore then i already do so i try my hardest to move on and forget about those things.

Chloe said...

There's a quote I found in my Naranon book that I refer to quite often..it's "Look back, but don't stare".
I've wanted to ask my husband, who's DOC was the same, so many things. I haven't though as i know there would be no good to come from it, just more for my mind to try to grasp and work through emotionally. And i know for myself, i wouldn't be able to. I would drive myself insane if i knew the answers to my questions. I read somewhere to imagine the worst answer that could be given and that's probably your answer. I've asked the questions a million times to him..not verbally but in my head and didn't like the answers I came up with. I really don't want to know what HIS answers are. I personally think, sometimes, ignorance IS bliss! I know enough, and really don't need to know anymore. To know anymore, for me, would only be destructive.
Or atleast that's how I feel today.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Yes, I totally know how you feel. I did the crazy question asking thing when my husband first told me about his addiction, and I still do it sometimes. It really helped me to know -- to have all those details -- to know he was willing to be open with me about them -- and move on. I don't think ignorance is bliss -- I think reaching a state where you actually don't need the answers is bliss.

I also know what you mean about the casino stuff -- I was horrified by what my husband did when I thought I was being nice and giving him the opportunity to do some relatively harmless or even healthy thing. Ick.

Saltydogg said...

I'm going thru the same thing. I left early (an hour early) for work this morning just so I didnt have to look at my husband while that STUPID lighter flickerd. I hate it. I dont know what to do. I feel stupid for putting up with it. I told him before I left he was getting worse and he agreed with me, but is he doing anything about it? No, he's probably at home right now 15 mins for the bank opens and then he's going to hit his checking acct. Thank God we have separate accts. I HATE this. How did I get stuck here? I dont drink or do drugs, I pay my bills on time, I have no children. Ive had the same job for 20 years. How did this happen to me?

Anonymous said...

I totally understand what you have been through. I myself have been through the same thing but only worse. How you feel is no different from anyone else who has experienced what we have. To think that you are being ignorent your not i am mad for what my husband has put me through not only for his crack and ccocaine addiction but now his crystal meth addiction I can say to you what has been said to me take one day at a time and stay strong.

Anonymous said...

Mine tells me more than I need to know. I know where the crack houses are...And as far as being nice. This is the phrase I've heard.. I took your kindness for a weakness. that what an addict does.