In starting this new job, it took quite awhile before I felt comfortable to be myself with anyone. And it took quite awhile before I made "friends." And now I am finally at that place of comfortability and honesty. Mostly. It only took a fricken month.
I sometimes wonder what people think about me. I am so judgemental. And it usually isn't trying to be mean to people, I just get a vibe and go off that until or unless it steers me wrong. But I wonder how people view me. I am so sarcastic and I am sure unless someone knows me it comes across so bitchy. In fact, the girls I eat lunch with say I am the bitchiest one of them all. One girl says she likes it - she says she likes that I tell it like it is. And sometimes I pride myself in that, but other times I just wonder if I am being mean or too negative.
Another girl describes me as that. Negative. I call it being a "realist." Of course, there is great negativity in that, but that is just who I am.
When I first started this job, I was so quiet. I kept to myself and didn't let my sarcasm drip over and didn't let anything come out of my mouth at all. But then I started to open up a little, and I wondered if people were thinking "Who is this? She used to be so shy." I wonder if people have a sense of these things, like knowing that I was only acting shy because I was new but that I would come out of my shell as things got going.
I like to see who I can trust or who I can be my full self with. I don't want to offend with my rudeness. I know some people can stomach people like me and some can't. Some get offended. I went through a phase where I would say "You are Satan!" when someone was being mean or rude. I was totally kidding and would always laugh after, but once someone got offended and confronted me about it.
I wanted to see who could handle my sarcasm. I wanted to know who I could be myself with before I truly let it explode out. And for the most part, I can be myself now. But some people I am still cautious around.
And then there are first impressions that I take from people. There is one girl that completely rubbed me the wrong way. She is loud, always complaining, and controlling. She thinks she is right about everything. Her experience in social welfare is vast and she doesn't fail to let everyone know. I find it quite annoying. I find HER quite annoying. But maybe that is just her before she knows people, like the way I was. I doubt it though.
A girl I eat with tells me I have a low tolerance for people. I find that amusing, given the field I'm in. But perhaps she's right. I can read people well. Yet even when I say that I think of Chris. I could read him. I knew something wasn't right. I knew he was not doing what he said he was. But I just didn't, couldn't, wouldn't figure out what.
So in reading people well, I see how many of them I don't like. I see how many things I get annoyed with. I see how some people are so stupid. I am annoyed and judge easily. Maybe too easily.
So now that everyone reading this hates me, I will go back to work.