Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Another Monday night

He came home on Monday night after his class, looking cracked up. Looking like he did at the beginning of this. Looking fucked up. I confronted him on it immediately. He denied it all. He said he was at his meeting. He said he was not lying anymore and why would he risk it? He didn't want to lose me. I said, I don't care. You're a fucking crackhead. You're an addict. Maybe you relapsed. Just tell the truth.

Still denial.

I sent him to Walgreen's to get a drug test. Yes, I did. He called while he was there, asking which test to buy. The one for only crack? Or the one that covers it all. I wanted the one that covers it all, but it is 30 bucks and we are running too low this month. This week. And I was on the phone with Rae, telling her it all. She said to buy the one that covers it all. But by the time I called him back, he had already bought the crack one. The coke one. The one I had originally said. And he had left. I told him to go back; I told him to return it. I would not feel completely secure in the knowledge of sobriety if he didn't test for everything. He didn't go back.

He took the test. He was clean. It didn't mean what it should have. It didn't mean anything. Rae said it was good because that was the main problem.

It was the same "class" as last week, when he wasn't back until 12:30am. Monday nights. He showed me the signature he had gotten from the teacher that he went, for his PO, but that meant shit, as we all know. What's really going on.

What the fuck is going on. I just want the truth. I can be okay, I can be fine, I can be great BY MYSELF. But I cannot be any of those things without knowing the truth.

I will not live in a marriage of lies. I told him that if that happens, I won't even mess around with the talk. He will leave. He will call his father to come pick his revoked license ass up - fuck that, he can drive himself for all I care.

It is unsettling. But I am fine. I'm better than fine. I will be fine whether or not he is a liar. He does not define me. I do not need him. So bring it on. I'm ready.

12 comments:

Amy said...

Sending a hug across the miles. I am so sorry this is so difficult and painful.

Soozey said...

Did you reach into my head and create a blog about my life? How is it that I found your blog on the day my husband is going to treatment for the second time for crack cocaine addiction? How do you know what I am thinking!! Thank you Thank you.

GeekGoddess652 said...

I think I'm partially with Soozey when she says, Did you just reach into my head and blog my life! I so feel what you are going through right now! It's not crack but he's been through the crack addiction to, the latest addiction was pain killers for the 3rd time around! I was fooled and decieved! AGAIN AND AGAIN!

HOW DO WE EVER TRUST AGAIN after being lied to more times than we were ever told the truth? It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling this, but it's also sad that we have to feel this!

It's FUCKING SAD that we have to waste our money on a damn drug test to try and get some form of comfort and trust in what they say!

Let me give you a hug too! And say YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I hope that gives you some of the comfort it has given me! Your blog and a few others like yours have kept me sane! THANK YOU!!!!

Missunderstandings said...

they'll never stop denying it

Mantramine said...

Oh, the brutal lying. You brought me back to my insanity- when I just have to know! But, you know what? You already know. You know he will deny it, you know you will find out absolutely eventually. Right? Let go of fighting for the 'truth'- Please... we know how you feel. But, remember the strength you learned last time.

Amy said...

So how did last night (Monday night) go? I hope things are better for you.

thejunkyswife said...

Yuck. I'm sorry you're on the roller coaster again, too. I've been busy with my own, so I haven't been keeping up with other folks as much lately...but I'm always here if you want to talk.

I never drug test him. I know it wouldn't make a difference to me. If I feel like things aren't right, then something isn't right...a positive test wouldn't have quieted my mind, either.

SDRinChs said...

Sending a HUGE HUG from Charleston, SC. I could have written this blog word for word! I finally have had enough. Went to Probate court and had him committed. My biggest problem was hanging on to the money, being afraid. now that i'm alone in the house i can't believe the peace and quite! He was given the option to enter a half-way house and was kicked out before he got there! Calling the courts this morning, his next stop is jail

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Hey, hugs from me, babe. There is nothing worse than the lying -- it sucks.

ScOuT said...

Yes, I did a ton of damage with all that fucking lying I did. Part of why I lied was because I was deathly afraid that my partner would leave me -- and its the very thing that ended up driving her away.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this again. Keep writing.
Peace,
Scout

Anonymous said...

Well this about tops it all off. I called the courts to have my husband put into jail and when he found out he thought it was all over so he breaks into my house and returned all of my daughter's christmas presents for crack money. I thought I was ahead of the game because I was all finished with shopping but this just takes the cake.

Recovery Discovery said...

You've been tagged to participate in a recovery meme. Here's the rules:


Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
Post these rules on your blog.
List seven things you're grateful to have learned in recovery.
Tag seven people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.