Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Simply Late

Wow, it has been almost two weeks. I have been busy with work and family activities, husband and friend stuff.

Things are decent. I feel like anything I report is going to be too boring and lame to mention. I do have things that are going on to me, things that I feel are changing me, but that will be posted at a later date when I can finish writing it.

I am starting to distance myself from this blog, and it bothers me somewhat. I feel sometimes that things are getting better, and I don't need to blog or write anymore about my husband's addiction, but then something grand will happen and I will be sent right back into that wave of fury.

I was talking with Rae on Sunday, and something hit me. Every time he is late, every time he doesn't answer the phone, every time he calls back an hour later, will I constantly question him? Will I constantly wonder where he is, what he's doing, who he's with? Will doubts always fill my mind, for the rest of my life?

I don't want that! I don't want to always resort to the worst possible thing in my mind just because of things that happened in the past. I know I will for awhile, but I don't want to for the rest of time.

Why can't I just think that he's late? Or his phone is on vibrate? Why do I always have to jump to the worst thing? I hate that dreadful feeling I get, the one that wells up in the pit of your stomach. I hate it.

I don't always want to feel like that. I don't always want to think he went back to crack. Will I ever be able to believe him or trust him again? Or will I always turn into a monster when he is late. I don't want to always think he was arrested or is high or is doing something terrible.

Why can't I just think he is simply late. I don't want to feel nervous all the time. I want it to stop.

5 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I don't know. I know that my husband has been in recovery four years and I don't always go to an anxious place about it (although I still do sometimes) but I do always know there's a real possibility that he is not doing what he says he's doing, that he's back in his addiction and that I can't trust what he says at any given moment. But I trust that he's getting better and so am I.

thejunkyswife said...

It sounds a little like you're beating yourself up or blaming yourself, and I hope you aren't. We got made this way, you know? It wasn't your work to get to this place of constant questioning.

What I try to remember when I'm freaking about what he's doing is that if he's back out there doing mess, it's not my problem. I guess that's the only way to eliminate the anxiety, as much as it can be eliminated, is to remember that it's not my problem, and that all I can do is to work on me.

Yuck.

It's good to hear from you, though, and it's not boring to me to hear that things are going well.

Al-Anon Blogger said...

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Addicted to no one said...

Hey i get what you're saying completly i ALWAYS wonderd if those feelings would ever go away or if it was somthing i would just have to live with. Obviously you don't trust him or you wouldn't be feeling the way you do when things happen like him being late.. or not answering the phone. I was the exact same way as you. It was awful and it's not right.. if youre in a relationship and you want it to work there has to be trust or it simpl wont. You need to trust him if you want to be with him and if you want those feelings to go away... I couldnt trust F that was somthing i had to come to terms with it had to face reality and it sucked it was the worst and best thing i realized but it is what it is.
good luck to you i hope you are able to deal with this so it gets better so you can trust him cuz like i said with out that trust you will continue to feel like that everytime he doesnt pick up the phone or he is late. it takes time but it may take a long time to get there.