I've been thinking a lot lately of our first year of marriage.
I don't even recognize who I was back then. How did I get through that? I had no one...or at least, I let no one in. I don't know the person who made it through the nights where he didn't come home until the early morning hours. I don't know how I cooked him a meal every night, only to have it sit in the fridge until 3am - most nights, not even getting eaten. I don't even recognize myself from back then.
However, I see one remnant...almost daily...to remind me of that part of our lives. It's a painful one, and it rests solely on me. I'm sad to say it but our intimate life...the side that husbands and wives should cherish, the side where you express your love...it has all but left. For me.
When we were younger, when we were teenagers, all I wanted to do was to touch him. I wanted to feel his tongue in my mouth, and hold him in my hand. I could barely keep myself off of him. In fact, some days, we were like exhibitionists.
But something happened. I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know where. But I stopped feeling that way. I can't entirely blame it on him, because if you have been following this, you know I cheated on him during our engagement. I am not sure if it's because of this that left me not wanting him. Or if it's because of the crack.
It's not like I still want that other person. There is no one else. But I am closed off to him, and I am clueless as to how to re-open.
He craves me. He physically craves me. He reaches for me, he touches me, and instead of re-coiling, I'm just numb to his touch. It means nothing. When he is inside me, I am doing it solely for him. I don't care to do it at all. It is nothing I look forward to.
This really scares me. We have been through a lot and if he were to cheat on me, honestly, I couldn't blame him. I do nothing. I do it out of guilt, and enjoy none of it.
It makes me sound horrible. It makes me sound like a freak.
I was on meds for awhile while we were married. Perhaps that f-cked up my sex drive. I don't know. All I know is that I want it back.
I want to embrace him and to feel wanting for him. To feel physical desire towards him and with him and to feel that sexual passion ignite again and to never want to be away. I have tried everything. I have tried romantic things, forceful things, dominating things - nothing puts me in that place.
And it's hard to think it's just him because I feel this way towards everything. I simply have no desire to do anything sexual.
Is this salvageable? I don't know. I just know I really want it back.