Sunday, December 30, 2007

The past is in the past

I am sitting here tonight, thinking of those from my past. It gets like this sometimes; when Chris goes to a meeting, or out to do laundry, my mind wonders to those I left behind in order to fulfill my fantasy with Chris. I often wonder what it would be like if I had stayed on those paths.

In this world of technology, I can find out virtually anything about anyone and sometimes, my temptation gets the best of me and I check on them via their myspace or some other site. I have never been able to be friends with my exes, even if I wanted to, so sometimes this is nice, to see how their life is.
Other times, like tonight, it just depresses me. I start to wonder about my own life - if I will have as good of a friend as I had before, or if this person I am with now can ever make me so truly happy that I have no need to even glance at these people's pages.

It's wrong of me to put that on Chris, and I know it. But sometimes, the feelings of sadness and feelings of "what if" hit hard, and I fall into them and succumb to them.

I love him deeply, and I know that I would've went back to him no matter what. Whether someone made me so incredibly happy that I had never felt that way before, I believe I would have went back to Chris anyways because he holds something for me. There is something about him that I cannot resist. Maybe that is my weakness, maybe that is my strength.

I do not regret the life I have chosen, or the person I ended up with. It has taken a long time for me to say that. It is going to take longer still to change my thought process of thinking myself as higher than him because I do not suffer from this addiction. It is going to be a long road to the complete forgiveness that I wish to give him because he does not deserve to constantly be reminded of or punished for his past mistakes.

Each day is a challenge for both of us. But my desire to get through it will overcome the challenges.

1 comment:

Recovery Discovery said...

Happy New Year. Hope this is a year of serenity and peace.