Sunday, January 13, 2008

Eating Me Alive

He went to his friend's house yesterday to play poker with his friend and his friend's dad and uncle. He was late coming home to go to my parent's for a play-off game. He looked normal. He acted normal. We got to my parent's house. He looked like a crack head. He acted like a crack head. He rubbed his eyes a lot, he barely ate, and he was literally falling asleep, like those great old days.

Of course, my dad noticed. He cornered me in the kitchen, asking me what was going on asking me where he was earlier. I lied, of course, and said he had been at home playing video games all day. I didn’t want him to know the truth, but I thought I knew the truth. Telling my dad that he had been gone, not under my supervision, would surely show my dad that he was doing drugs.

It went downhill and I bought a drug test after and he took it, and passed. It was a weird night, because he acted like a crack head there, but then we went out to dinner with his parents and he looked and acted normal.

I dreaded today because I knew my parents would take about it to me. And they did. My mom said I didn’t deserve this and I needed to talk to someone about forgiving (I had told her I couldn’t forgive him.)

I need help. This bitterness and hatred is eating me alive. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to finally tell the truth. And that truth is that I don’t think I can do it anymore. I tell myself I am doing good, I tell myself that I am taking baby steps and that each day is getting better. Some days are getting better.

But deep inside, I think I hate him. Sometimes I will look at him with such disgust. Some days I don’t even want to go home. Some days I love him, and want to hold him, and want to feel surrounded by his arms. Some days I laugh with him, and am thankful for him.

But those days are few and far between. I feel like I am drowning in my own anger. I can’t seem to get over it. Every thing he does wrong reminds me of then. Every time he is late, reminds me of then. Every time he doesn’t answer his phone I get angry all over again.

I honestly don’t want to be like this. It may be hard to believe, but I really don’t. I want to move on. I want to be strong within myself, not within my madness.

I want to embrace him, I want to look at him in love. I want to see the man I fell in love with, not the drug addict who fucked up my life.

I doubt him, I doubt everything about him. I doubt his truths, I doubt his lies. I doubt him.

I am not who I want to be. I want to be amazing. I want to be forgiving. I want to enjoy life. I don’t want this to be eating me alive. I want to love going home, not wishing that Sunday was actually a Monday.
I hate life. I hate this. I didn’t sign up for this. I thought I could do it. But maybe I can’t. I don’t want to live the rest of my life hating him, and hating myself.

I want to be close. But I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t touch him. I can’t make love to him. I can’t smile at him. I can’t even laugh at his stupid jokes.

He has become a chore. He has become a goal to conquer. A goal for me to become a better person.

Worst of all, I keep it all inside. I don’t talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have any friends I would be comfortable telling this to. I want to scream that I am not happy. I am not this person.

I need help.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Glad you're still here (blogging). Sorry things are rough. I understand those feelings and am sending lots of hugs.

Ashley said...

It's amazing how much this post hits home for me. I felt the same way in September last year. The only thing that helped was going to al-anon (my husband is an alcoholic). Finding a group of people that know exactly what I'm going through has been amazing. I haven't read your blog for long, so don't know if you go to nar-anon ... but if you don't, it may help.

Amy said...

I know you have a new job now, in the human services field. Perhaps there are benefits for mental-health (counseling) through your employment. These are totally confidential (by law) and no one at your work would know what was discussed. It will help you to have a professional to help you sort through this and become clear with your true feelings.
Your post was honest, painful and real. I totally appreciate that you cannot get through this by yourself, and friends/family will not help right now.
PLEASE before you make any permanent decisions, try to find a professional to help you work through this.
You are so young and have been through so much. These are some big choices ahead of you. Please try to find someone who can help you make solid, thoughtful choices that will stand up over time.
Sorry it is so hard, but at least you are getting to the heart of the matter.

Kelli said...

The day my husband went to rehab (Halloween 2007), I happened across your blog. I felt like you were looking into my deepest feelings and writing it down for me. I have followed your blog since that day. My husband relapsed twice in rehab, but got out on January 8, 2008. I feel this exact way. I want to love him, but I can't love him the way I should. Too much of me already hates him for the 2 years of agony he has put me and our 14 month old through. I don't like the person that I have become because of him. Thanks so much for your honest blogging about how it is to live with an addict...

Addicted to no one said...

I felt the exact same way as you as I've told you many times before. Now that i am moving on without him i am a MUCH happier person. I often felt so much anger and hatred towards F and that was turning me into an awful person. You dont want that.

Catherine said...

I found myself putting my hand to my mouth and feeling every word that you wrote. My husband is a recovering alcholic, I am amazed at how similar our feelings are...

davka said...

wow. this is a great blog. so important and well written.

Anonymous said...

I tried to get my husband to read this. "This is me." We cannot get along unless he is using. I know this is part my fault. I have enabled it. I actually hate him when he isn't doing it. This has truly made our family suffer. I am so irritated and angry all of the time. I find my self yelling at our son and not able to hardley cocentrate on anything. I also find myself not coming home. Only when I have to. Staying away from the conflict makes me feel better. He doesn't think he has a problem. He blames me for doing it because he isn't happy. Maybe, I don't know. I would love to chat with someone on a regular basis that is going on through the same thing. I feel so alone and angry all of the time. I feel as though I am going crazy at times.