Thursday, January 17, 2008

Peeing Crack

I did it. It took a lot of deep breaths, it took a lot of trying and failing, but I finally called to talk to someone. It is for this Tuesday. We'll see what happens.

My parents believe that the drug test he took that day was wrong. He also took one yesterday for his PO. And passed. So thanks, Mom and Dad. Thanks for the support. I know they are trying to be supportive and trying to look out for me. But they think he drank something to detox his system before taking a drug test. That’s a lot, even for him. He wouldn’t know I would give it to him.

Even if he would, I need to get away. I can’t have my parents breathing down my throat on this. I can’t constantly live like this. He was fine. I swear he was fine before we got there. I swear he was fine when we went out with his parents. How could it only have affected him for that short time?

I can’t play the ifs, ands, and buts games. He was clean, wasn’t he? Even so, the fact that they don’t believe, and would go so far to look up in the internet to see if he drank something and how fast it would work, is really bothersome. They have always had problems with trusting. If one of us kids messed up, it would take forever to trust us again. Literally forever.

I want them to let me live my own life. To not treat me like a fricken idiot. I know the signs. I know when he looks high. I know when he looks fucked up. I don’t need a constant reminder; I don’t need a constant question and answer session.

Now it is going to be awkward, and worst part is, I feel like a fucking idiot because I have started to believe him. He loves NA, he loves it so much. He loves having been in recovery for almost a year. He prides himself on it. And I really don’t think he would want to start all over. That’s why I find it so hard to believe that he would do fucking crack again.

Maybe I am just one of those fucking idiots I hate. Those ones who actually believe that shit because they just don’t want to know the truth. The “ignorance is bliss” people. I used to be like that.

It’s easier. It’s cleaner. But it’s a lie.

What is the truth? Should I believe him? Should I believe the drug test? I am already angry with my parents for being so untrusting. For taking time out of their precious lives to look up my fucking husband’s ways out of peeing crack.

Am I wrong to be that mad at them?

I can’t seem to get out everything I want to say. I’m easily distracted right now. The point is two drug tests came out clean. The point is that he denied it. The point is is that I can’t handle anything else! I am going to fucking break.


amy said...

I am so proud of you for making that phone call. And I will be prouder of you when Tuesday comes and you go and begin the process of working this through for yourself - not for your parents, or your husband. Just for you. It will not be easy but it will be a road worth walking. Stay on it - don't give up. You need a safe place to work through all these confusing elements of your life with an objective professional.

Re your parents - let me say this (as I am probably about their age): They love you. They want a good life for you. They may make a lot of mistakes, go about things the wrong way, say things that make it worse, and upset you. But their motivation (I believe) is that they love you & want you to be happy. Didn't your dad demonstrate that when he worked it out for you to get the car when you needed his help?
Step away from yourself for a minute and think of things from their perspective. You are their child. Even tho' you are an adult now and don't remember being a baby and little girl, THEY remember it like it was yesterday. Every parent wants their child to grow up and find someone who they can love and be loved by, who they can care for and be taken care of, who can lean and depend on them and who they can lean and depend on. They want their child to marry someone and form a family that will (one day) bring grandchildren and make a family of their own, continuing the line of the family, with love, stability, strength. Every parent wants that and I'm sure your parents are no exception.
And here you are - going into a marriage that immediately is racked by drug abuse and addiction. They wonder, "Who is this man my daughter married? Will he ever be a good husband? A good father to her children? Will she try to trust him only to be hurt again and again?" These are the questions your parents wrestle with and worry about. You can't blame them for being worried and upset - look at the disaster the first year of marriage turned into.
The damage your husband did to your trust, he did to their trust too. And rebuilding with you doesn't mean rebuilding with them. It will take longer with them because they are protective of you in ways that you are not protective of yourself. That is what parents do.
I don't know what was going on when he was at your parents' house, but YOU said you noticed his strange behavior, it wasn't just them that noticed it. I have no idea if he is clean or not or what is going on with him.
BUT I do know that you need the love and support of your parents. You may need to place limits on what things you want to discuss with them (the counselor will probably be able to help you with that) but PLEASE don't alienate yourself from them. You need their support. They are not the bad guys. This is a very difficult situation for everyone, especially for you. You need all the love and support you can get.
Good luck with everything, esp. your meeting on Tuesday.

Amy said...

So how did it go yesterday? I hope it was a good beginning....

thejunkyswife said...

That family stuff drives me's hard enough when you've got your own doubts to contend with, but compounding it with someone else's always just pushes me off a crazy cliff.

I'm sorry you're riding the crazy train, my friend, but it sounds like you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and to keep your perspective as much as you can during the trying times, which is hard to do...and it sounds like he's really doing well. Even if he's fucked up, he's still doing well. I wish my husband were loving N.A. and working a program...if his behavior is behavior that you can live with, then that's your business. It sucks he looked crazy for a minute, but if in general he's a person you love and who pleases you and who you believe is doing the best he can, then that's all good, right?

Good luck to you guys.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to thank you for your blog. I found it one day as I was desperately searching for someone who could relate to my situation. I don't have anyone in my life who could possibly relate to being married to a drug addict. It helps me to feel less alone to know there are others who are in similar situations who feel the same way I do. Good luck with everything.

sKILLz said...

It sucks to always have the "what ifs" in your head. It sucks when the family always wants to chime in and give there 2cents.
These are things that we have to deal with unfortunatly. I REALLY hope everything works out for you.