Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sorry.

Hello all. Please don't want to kill me or make me go through some horrible "married to an addict" life. Yeah, I don't know what that was. My pathetic attempt at some sort of joke. Anyways, it has been more than two months since I have been on here. I know I suck.

Things are going well. Yet everytime I write that here, I feel as if something will come crashing down, or like I am being incredibly naive. It IS possible for things to get well again, isn't it? They aren't always going to be horrible?

There has been maybe two times at most in the past months where his eyes looked suspicious. But he acted normal. I don't know. He is staying strong in his probation and passing all of his drug tests.

I have found new friends at work and have found joy in doing my own thing. Now that the weather is nicer, I can go out and walk when he is not there. I am kept busy by moving things to our new apartment, and studying for an exam for a career change I am embarking on. I am kept busy with my own friends' problems so I no longer focus on my own.

And the best thing is, I have started to forgive. I really have. I may have said that before. But I have been better at letting go and I am even laughing a little now-a-days. It's not easy, but I try.

I will try, TRY!, to update more, but I admit that it will not be easy. This site has now been blocked at work, and I usually forget by the time I get home.

In the meantime, can anyone tell me what happened to Cuntface McBitchfuck??

5 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Yay, you're back! We missed you.

Anonymous said...

I sure hope he stays clean. I too know exactly what you mean when you say "his eyes looked funny but he acted normal" - aren't we queer for noticing that stuff?

Rachel said...

Do you feel jinxed if you come here to write? If so, then do what works for you.

Susie Q said...

I really hope that things can get and stay well. Maybe just maybe we all can have a normal life.

GREENWOOD said...

I know exactly how u feel. As a matter of fact I had to make sure that you and I aren't the same person. LOL. My husband is an addict. He has been sober for a shorter period of time than your husband, but for him it is a long time. As a matter of fact he had gotten so much better until YESTERDAY. Can you believe it? For the last few days I've noticed that he looked guilty or something but I didn't want to accuse him if I didn't really know. I was almost certain just by looking at him that he was using again. I finally told him that I felt like he was using again and he denied it. Yesterday was pay day for him. He usually calls me so I could come pick up the money because we agreed that he can't manage money. Anyway, he didn't call me at all yesterday and finally he came home smelling like burned rubber and broke. He didn't even have a penny.
I know how you feel when you say you feel numb. I feel numb too. It's like for women to enjoy men, they have to had treated us right. It's more emotional for us. Well at least to me. I can't open up to him because he's killing himself softly. I am so hurt. I want to hug him because I feel sorry for him. But I don't want him to think it's ok. I just want to give up on this "marriage." But I have faith that God will make a way.