Tuesday, July 17, 2007


They seem to be on everyone's mind lately. It's interesting - how I was all ready to write about them, yet The Junkys Wife seems to have beat me to it. It's funny how sometimes we, and others, seem to go through almost the same things at very similar times.

It seems Chris lied to me. About money. How surprising. Heaven forbid I start to trust him. Or get expectations. That is exactly what has happened.

Things were going so well. But I had to be my normal self, checking up on him, checking on the bank records.

To start with, I asked to see his check stubs. I want to see just how much he is bringing in so we can start to pay off his long, monstrous credit card debts. Yet, debt with an S. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

He said he doesn't know where it is. He said it is in his car somewhere, but he's not sure where. He has to find it, however, because his PO needs to see it tomorrow. Well, he didn't find it. I asked if he took any money out of his last check instead of simply depositing the whole thing. No, he stated, he put the entire thing in.

Perhaps some would call it spying. Some would call it snooping. I call it being smart. Being wise after being screwed over.

He took money out of his last check and even more out of the check before that. I was so angry. I felt so betrayed. My sister has just been over and we had just been talking about how good he was doing, and how I needed to give him little things so he could continue to show me that he was being trustworthy. And then that.

The fight was horrible. He said sorry, but that really meant nothing. It doesn't take back the fact that he took money without even discussing it, and the worst part is he lied right to my face. I didn't even have one little clue, after all these months of lies, that he was lying right to me.

The apology meant nothing. It usually doesn't. I was hurt. I left. I went to my friend's.

To get to my point, I started to ponder my expectations. Are they too high? Am I setting myself up, and everyone around me, to fail? I realized that Chris isn't the only one that I have expectations for. I put them on everyone.

It's inevitable that at some point someone will let me down. At some point, Chris will let me down.

But then how do I not have expectations at all? It's a tricky place. It's so hard, impossible I think!, not to have expectations. At some point, one will come up. Without expectations, wouldn't it be to simply not care?

And shouldn't I have expectations for my recovering crack addict? Without them, he cannot strive to get what we do not have. Without the expectations, he cannot possibly earn my trust. Shouldn't he have expectations put on him?

I think I need to have them for him so that I know that he will one day live up to them. And I really don't think that being honest about money or checks or any of that is that hard of an expectation to live up to.

Of course, I feel like I could say much more on this, but I am dreadfully tired. I don't really know what the answer is. I don't know how to not have expectations, and I don't know how to not be saddened when Chris does not live up to them. I'm stuck.

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