It seemed to go so slow. Little did I know that in March, Chris started doing crack cocaine. And at the end of March, he was arrested with his first (and only) DUI. Needless to say, while this angered and confused me, I stayed with him. And looking back on this, I am sure the majority of it was because I was so freakin' excited over getting married. I didn't stop to think about the future, the real future.
I did not know he was doing drugs during this time. He was acting the same as he had before he started and things were still going well.
During this time, I started a relationship with M. We had been best friends for 3 years and embarked, without planning to, into a romantic relationship. I could not stop it. I did not want to stop it. I was in love with M. There was no one else I had connected this deep with.
I cannot explain the passion I felt, or the passion we had towards each other. But because of my parents and their strict religious viewpoints, and because of my deep founded respect (and co-dependence) for them, I told M that I was going to marry Chris.
Don't get me wrong. I loved Chris. I loved him so much. But he did not make me as happy as M did. M could not promise me forever. And even if there was that promise, I don't know if I could have been able to live that way. To possibly lose my family.
So now, looking back, I am filled with even more questions. Did I make the wrong decision? My husband was addicted to crack cocaine even then. If I had known that, would I have dropped him all together?
There are days though, more often than not, that I am very happy that I chose Chris. That I am forging ahead with him as my life partner. We have great times. We have horrible times. But in the end, I am happy I chose him.
And after the conversation with M yesterday, I learned that had I chosen differently, I would have chosen wrong. Chris is mine. I am his.
This affair is one of my saddest and happiest moments. Great memories, but a guilt I hold looking back at our engagement. M and I broke it off the day I got married. Our future was finalized then. M called when I got back from the honeymoon, but things were not the same.
And since then, we have talked probably a total of two or three times. For birthdays mostly.
I miss M. And it's hard to let go of the past. Of good memories and bad ones. But I have to. I am growing happier and more content each day.
I am rambling. I will start over.