Background #4

A month after New Year's Eve, literally January 31st, he didn't come home. And to be quite honest, I can't even remember how long he was gone. It could have been one night, it could have been 1/2 a day, it could have been two nights.

It's funny, isn't it? How your memory does that to you? So many things I don't remember. I try so hard to remember. I think I am trying to protect myself by blocking out painful things.

All I remember was that his parents knew he was not home, again. I was so calm and relaxed. I only started worrying when they said they were coming over. I knew something had happened then. I knew something bad. I didn't think death; I thought jail. I thought a crime. Something we would have to go through. And sadly, sometimes I wished it was death. It sounds so horrible to say, but I was living in hell and couldn't bear much more.

They came up and we stood in the kitchen for what seemed like eternity before I said "Okay, what happened." Negatively, preparing for the worst. I remember his mom saying the exact words, "Well, he's not dead." Sarcastically, annoyed. And I knew that whatever he had done was possibly worse than death. I knew that everything I had been going through and every moment was culiminating to this.

He was in jail. He was arrested the night before for something with drugs. They didn't know much else. I stood there. I just stood there. His parents stood there too. We just stared on. I finally said "Well, what am I supposed to do?"

What a ridiculous question! What stupidity! Like they were going to tell me what to do with my life. Like they were going to tell me how to handle their fucked-up son. Like I would listen to their answers anyways.

I started crying then. I did not want to cry in front of them - such vulnerabilty, such a show of emotion for people I did not show emotion in front of. His dad hugged me then, held me really, for an eternity, minutes upon minutes.

They told me they would not leave me alone. They wanted me to call someone, and I told them I would. But who to call? No one really knew what I was going through. No one knew anything. I could not just surprise them with this thing - completely out of the blue. Besides, I didn't need anybody.

But I told them I would call my friend. I told them I would call Amber. And true to my word, I did call her. But she was in another city and could not get back.

I spent the night by myself, knowing my husband, my brand new husband, was sitting in county.