Friday, August 03, 2007
I am very annoyed with myself today. Again, about weight. I have only lost five pounds at the most the entire time I have been trying to lose weight. I am starting to wonder if I am just destined to stay the same I am now. If my body just won't lose anymore.
There are still a couple things I am dying to fit into to wear before summer is out and that does not look possible. Just ten more pounds - that's all I want. It really shouldn't be that hard, should it? Only ten more!
I am crabby and annoyed and just fed up. I love to eat! I love to eat when I want and what I want and I have always been able to do so, and now the fact that I can't is lurking behind everything I do. Every thing. It bothers me so much. I just want to lose those final ten.
I don't even know how I lost the first five. I just ate a little teeny bit less, and started walking every day and swam a couple days a week. I have continued this regiment and have not gone up or down. So I am wondering if that is just how I am gonna be. If this is the weight I am stuck at now.
I kind of want to just eat one meal a day for a couple days until I am down but I know that I'll shoot right back up after that when I go back to eating my normal way. Sometimes I am so torn about myself because there are days when I just simply don't care.
I think "I'm not fat!! I'm not even close to fat! So big deal that I can't fit into the same cute pants that I love!" That does happen sometimes. I am happy with myself. I know I'm skinny. I know my husband still wants to bang my brains out. And I think that why does it matter? I'll eat what I want, in proportion, but I will eat what I want and be okay.
But I am not satisfied with myself which just brings everything down. It's really really frustrating. I just want to fit into my old clothes. And I don't want to throw them out and buy new clothes that make me feel good because what if one day I can fit into them!?
I don't know what to do. Just ten pounds. That's all I want. Maybe I should just eat fruit and vegetables for the next week so that by the time I go on vacation I will be down to my normal weight that I have been at all my life.
I want to cry just thinking about it! I just recently looked at a picture of these baggy pants I was wearing and my stomach was showing a little and I was so cute. And now, when I try those pants on, they are so tight. Not even a little baggy.
That was my skinniest point, I'd say. And I want to get back there.