Friday, August 03, 2007


I am very annoyed with myself today. Again, about weight. I have only lost five pounds at the most the entire time I have been trying to lose weight. I am starting to wonder if I am just destined to stay the same I am now. If my body just won't lose anymore.

There are still a couple things I am dying to fit into to wear before summer is out and that does not look possible. Just ten more pounds - that's all I want. It really shouldn't be that hard, should it? Only ten more!

I am crabby and annoyed and just fed up. I love to eat! I love to eat when I want and what I want and I have always been able to do so, and now the fact that I can't is lurking behind everything I do. Every thing. It bothers me so much. I just want to lose those final ten.

I don't even know how I lost the first five. I just ate a little teeny bit less, and started walking every day and swam a couple days a week. I have continued this regiment and have not gone up or down. So I am wondering if that is just how I am gonna be. If this is the weight I am stuck at now.

I kind of want to just eat one meal a day for a couple days until I am down but I know that I'll shoot right back up after that when I go back to eating my normal way. Sometimes I am so torn about myself because there are days when I just simply don't care.

I think "I'm not fat!! I'm not even close to fat! So big deal that I can't fit into the same cute pants that I love!" That does happen sometimes. I am happy with myself. I know I'm skinny. I know my husband still wants to bang my brains out. And I think that why does it matter? I'll eat what I want, in proportion, but I will eat what I want and be okay.

But I am not satisfied with myself which just brings everything down. It's really really frustrating. I just want to fit into my old clothes. And I don't want to throw them out and buy new clothes that make me feel good because what if one day I can fit into them!?

I don't know what to do. Just ten pounds. That's all I want. Maybe I should just eat fruit and vegetables for the next week so that by the time I go on vacation I will be down to my normal weight that I have been at all my life.

I want to cry just thinking about it! I just recently looked at a picture of these baggy pants I was wearing and my stomach was showing a little and I was so cute. And now, when I try those pants on, they are so tight. Not even a little baggy.

That was my skinniest point, I'd say. And I want to get back there.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Well, my first thought is that it doesn't sound (from what you wrote in an earlier post) like you need to lose weight to be healthy, you're just concerned about an ideal appearance -- or am I off base there? If you are a healthy weight for your height but just want to be thinner because you think it will look better, then I have nothing to say to you but: eat healthy, enjoy your food, accept and love yourself.

But if you are, as I was, actually clinically overweight, then seriously, have you tried the Shangri-La Diet thing? Because I've now lost 30 pounds -- it's been insanely easy. The bad part is that I'm pushing this on everyone -- and it hasn't worked for anyone but me so far. :( But still I press on... Sigh!

Chloe said...

Your body gets used to the regimen you have it on..cutting back on the amount of food, walking & swimming. Your body kind of builds up a "tolerance" so to say. Increase your excercise or continue what you're doing but mix it up a little bit so your body kicks in to a different mode.
Just like drugs..a tolerance is built up so you have to do more to get the same effect.