Guess who messaged me last night? Yes, M. M the ex. I stared at it for awhile, but thankfully, I was on the phone with that friend from back home, and had some distraction. When I got off the phone, M was still on, still waiting for a response.
Chris and the friend told me to ignore it or to say I was busy. But it was taking all my willpower not to respond. So I text messaged my sister, asking her for advice quickly. She said ignore at all costs. So I did. I ignored at all costs.
And I should feel happy. I should feel proud that I ignored. But instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment and finally one-up-ment, I feel sad. I feel like I am missing out on what could be a beautiful friendship. It could, couldn't it? I know, I know. I am just talking myself into this craziness, and I should be proud for ignoring. But I am not that kind of person. I am friendly. I am nice. I don't ignore. I don't ignore friends.
I know M is not my friend. M has been using me. But what if I needed M? Really truly needed? I know M would be there for me. So is it really using if I just have not taken M up on the "usage"?
But I am reminded, by someone who commented, the reason I am ignoring M is because of my deep feelings that haven't went away. And I need to ignore M because it only wreaks havoc on my emotions after the talking. Maybe I should tell M that I can't talk anymore because of my feelings?
Oh brother. Well. I should be proud, right.
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4 comments:
I'm proud...
I just found your blog, and I really enjoy your posts. You are a very good writer, very good at expressing yourself. I will be back...definately
Ooh. You should be proud. The right thing to do is usually the HARDEST thing in the whole world to do. Erase the text and forget about it. It makes me think of the poem that JW had a long time ago about not opening doors. You rememeber? Some doors are better left shut. I typed shit instead of shut and it applies too. Congrats lady! Now I am off to bed b/c us old souls have to be up early!
Ok, that's it! You and I and Long Vowels are going to have to officially form a support group where we can sigh and moan and kvetch about M, Pat and Poland, our ridiculous old flames.
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