Monday, August 06, 2007
That old lover called last night. Apparently, M's relationship fell apart. M is again single.
For some sick and twisted reason, I found pleasure in that. I found that pleasure because the last time I talked to M, I was told that even had I decided to not marry Chris and to stay with M, it would not have mattered. M would have went off to be with the new flame the second it was possible. That crushed me.
Here I was, months into my marriage, wondering if I made a huge mistake by not picking M and wondering if M missed me, felt the same about me. But no. M had moved on beyond me, so far beyond there was not even a thought. And that's what was said.
So when M got ahold of me last night and told me that, I didn't know just what to think. "Old school advice" is what was said, but I can't help but thinking that M just was coming back to something familiar, something that gave solace, something that gave comfort. And why not go get advice from the one best friend since elementary school? Why me?
I couldn't talk long because my sister was coming over and she would not approve of this conversation. I told M that. Why did I tell M that? There was really no reason. No need to say that. But M said I should not say anything to my sister about us talking and I should call later.
Through the movie all I could think of was calling M. I am so pathetic! I am a married woman - my husband is in the next room! But I started to entertain thoughts of grandiosity - of me going over there, of talking, of starting something up. Maybe not even something romantic, but something on terms of friendliness again. Something where we are central in each other's lives as the greatest friends again.
I miss that - our friendship. The easy going way we had with each other. But I don't think it is possible to have again. We sabotaged it when we forged ahead with a deeper meaning to the relationship. And when that part ended, so did everything else good about us.
I wonder if this is how it will be though. Calling each other when we need to talk, when we need the "old school" comfort or when things get tough. We have that connection. Will it always be there? Will it always be there in that way that it is now? When we haven't talked for months and something sad or tragic happens we can just call each other up because we know we will be there for each other, and that we have that bond?
And if it is like that, I'm not sure it is safe. Every time the feelings for M seem to die down, there M is, right back in my life. I am so obviously not over M, and when we were in a relationship it was pretty unhealthy. Not that any relationships before that or after that were healthy, but nonetheless. I would do everything in my power to make M as happy as possible, usually disregarding my own feelings in the process. And I can see myself slipping back into that same pattern every time the phone rings.
M said nevermind about calling later then (too late) and we never did get to talk, but I layed awake for awhile thinking about the situation and situations to come and talking to M and not talking to M. I wonder if M will call back today. I highly doubt it. It's a new day. I bet clarity has come and I will no longer be needed. Yet I will hope I do get a call which is so dangerous and so wrong. I don't need this.
Why do I want it. I know no call will come - it was a moment of weakness on M's part, I can tell. And while I am busy conjugating things in my mind that I want to happen, M will be moving on. Like normal.