Monday, August 06, 2007

The Call

That old lover called last night. Apparently, M's relationship fell apart. M is again single.

For some sick and twisted reason, I found pleasure in that. I found that pleasure because the last time I talked to M, I was told that even had I decided to not marry Chris and to stay with M, it would not have mattered. M would have went off to be with the new flame the second it was possible. That crushed me.

Here I was, months into my marriage, wondering if I made a huge mistake by not picking M and wondering if M missed me, felt the same about me. But no. M had moved on beyond me, so far beyond there was not even a thought. And that's what was said.

So when M got ahold of me last night and told me that, I didn't know just what to think. "Old school advice" is what was said, but I can't help but thinking that M just was coming back to something familiar, something that gave solace, something that gave comfort. And why not go get advice from the one best friend since elementary school? Why me?

I couldn't talk long because my sister was coming over and she would not approve of this conversation. I told M that. Why did I tell M that? There was really no reason. No need to say that. But M said I should not say anything to my sister about us talking and I should call later.

Through the movie all I could think of was calling M. I am so pathetic! I am a married woman - my husband is in the next room! But I started to entertain thoughts of grandiosity - of me going over there, of talking, of starting something up. Maybe not even something romantic, but something on terms of friendliness again. Something where we are central in each other's lives as the greatest friends again.

I miss that - our friendship. The easy going way we had with each other. But I don't think it is possible to have again. We sabotaged it when we forged ahead with a deeper meaning to the relationship. And when that part ended, so did everything else good about us.

I wonder if this is how it will be though. Calling each other when we need to talk, when we need the "old school" comfort or when things get tough. We have that connection. Will it always be there? Will it always be there in that way that it is now? When we haven't talked for months and something sad or tragic happens we can just call each other up because we know we will be there for each other, and that we have that bond?

And if it is like that, I'm not sure it is safe. Every time the feelings for M seem to die down, there M is, right back in my life. I am so obviously not over M, and when we were in a relationship it was pretty unhealthy. Not that any relationships before that or after that were healthy, but nonetheless. I would do everything in my power to make M as happy as possible, usually disregarding my own feelings in the process. And I can see myself slipping back into that same pattern every time the phone rings.

M said nevermind about calling later then (too late) and we never did get to talk, but I layed awake for awhile thinking about the situation and situations to come and talking to M and not talking to M. I wonder if M will call back today. I highly doubt it. It's a new day. I bet clarity has come and I will no longer be needed. Yet I will hope I do get a call which is so dangerous and so wrong. I don't need this.

Why do I want it. I know no call will come - it was a moment of weakness on M's part, I can tell. And while I am busy conjugating things in my mind that I want to happen, M will be moving on. Like normal.


Amy said...

Let me gently and kindly remind you of something: Your life is very complicated right now. You have lots of difficult problems to work through. You really really REALLY do not need one more, which is what you would get if you play with this thing.
You need to stay focused - on improving your situation, making your life better, more stable, healthier. You're making good steps in finding a better job position, working through some of the hurts, disappointments and scars from the situation with your husband's past behaviors.
Please turn away from what will only add more trouble, more hurt, more instability to your world.
Whether your marriage stands or fails, you don't want it to be because you acted less than honorably during it. That is something you will have to live with forever.
And you know this guy isn't good for you anyway, at least based on what you wrote about him.
One day at a time...keep making choices that build you up and make you stronger. And this guy isn't one of them.
But you already know that.
Be strong.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I go to that place sometimes with my friend Pat. I know I especially tend to slip into a fantasy mode about him when other things in my life are hard and I don't want to deal with them. I do have a friendship with him, but we've never had a relationship, just an attraction that's never been acted on -- and that friendship is still damn hard to navigate in a healthy way. Anyway, all these things have been much on my mind lately too...