Don't have to forgive...now

Amazing that I would write I am going to break, because something else has happened this week. I am not fully ready to discuss it, and I am still pressing on with him, but we will see for how long.

The meeting on Tuesday went nothing as I expected. She told me to start attending Al-Anon, which I have known forever, and commiserated with me. But I did not feel as if anything was sorted out. She told me about some of her experiences with her first husband, and recommended some books. I don't know what I expected, but I know I didn't expect to just vent and complain, and then have no resolution. She didn't even teach me or tell me or anything about how to slowly resolve my never-ending anger towards him. She did tell me it is just the beginning and that I am further ahead than most, but that I don't have to forgive him right away or be done in my anger. Which whether or not she said that, it didn't matter, because I know I can't do either.

I am going read the book(s) she recommended, and look into Al-Anon, but in the meantime, I am going to start looking for fun things to do, whether it is taking classes or attending lectures or plays, or anything to get me out of the house. He needs to see that I am not just sitting around waiting for him. I have my own life.

This week has not been easy. Tough situations have came up. Thanks to everyone for your comments and support.

The past is in the past

I am sitting here tonight, thinking of those from my past. It gets like this sometimes; when Chris goes to a meeting, or out to do laundry, my mind wonders to those I left behind in order to fulfill my fantasy with Chris. I often wonder what it would be like if I had stayed on those paths.

In this world of technology, I can find out virtually anything about anyone and sometimes, my temptation gets the best of me and I check on them via their myspace or some other site. I have never been able to be friends with my exes, even if I wanted to, so sometimes this is nice, to see how their life is.

Other times, like tonight, it just depresses me. I start to wonder about my own life - if I will have as good of a friend as I had before, or if this person I am with now can ever make me so truly happy that I have no need to even glance at these people's pages.

It's wrong of me to put that on Chris, and I know it. But sometimes, the feelings of sadness and feelings of "what if" hit hard, and I fall into them and succumb to them.

I love him deeply, and I know that I would've went back to him no matter what. Whether someone made me so incredibly happy that I had never felt that way before, I believe I would have went back to Chris anyways because he holds something for me. There is something about him that I cannot resist. Maybe that is my weakness, maybe that is my strength.

I do not regret the life I have chosen, or the person I ended up with. It has taken a long time for me to say that. It is going to take longer still to change my thought process of thinking myself as higher than him because I do not suffer from this addiction. It is going to be a long road to the complete forgiveness that I wish to give him because he does not deserve to constantly be reminded of or punished for his past mistakes.

Each day is a challenge for both of us. But my desire to get through it will overcome the challenges.

Update -and- it's my fault

Today is a very good day! I stepped on the scale...and I have lost 11 pounds total! 11 pounds out of the 20 I need to lose, soooo, that is a good day.

I have been waiting and depriving myself of such unhealthy yet delicious food, but when the time comes like this, it is certainly a payoff. I know when I get back to my normal weight I have to be careful about what I eat so I don't go right back up, but I know what to do and I know that I will maintain my weight once I get back there.

Life has been pretty slow lately. There is no traumatic news or huge update to tell you all. I am back at work; and I start my new job on the 10th of September. It is coming quick, and I am little nervous. Starting new jobs always scares me a little. Not knowing anyone and having to learn an entirely new set of rules, systems, etc., freaks me out. But I know I will be fine.

I realize I have not posted Background #5 yet so I promise I will get to that soon. I am not able to write as much during work because I actually have to train someone and concentrate on getting things done because I am leaving. However, I will do it soon.

It's funny that I usually only write a lot when things are stressful and I need to vent. When things are going well though, I guess I just want to savor them and not blog about them. But things with Chris are good. He is attending his meetings regularly and does things around the house so much.

I should really express how grateful and proud I am to him, but like I said, I tend to turn into a cold heartless bitch most of the time. I wish I knew how to not do that. I am the one who is making this not work; I am the one who is making this fail. I wish I could just magically fix that with my magical hoohah.

Now that I think about it, I really need to work on that - I just don't know how. I want to be more loving and open, but I am not doing a good job. I want to show him my gratefulness, my proudness. I am the reason for the problems. He did all he can do. I need to forgive and let go. So hard though. I am being incredibly bitter and shutting myself down. I don't know how to open myself up. He is making so much progress yet I am holding on to the past.

Wow. It's my fault. The way it is now - it's my fault.

Anniversary expectations

Wow. I really suck at keeping you guys up to date on things lately. Actually, not much has been going on.

Tomorrow is Chris and I's first year anniversary. One year of marriage. It is a pretty big deal to me. If only for the reason that I want Chris to celebrate it and pamper it as he has never done before. I don't know if that will happen. He doesn't take clues very easily - or if he does, he doesn't let on that he let on.

I mean, I literally will flat out say "You should do something very special because it is our first year marriage anniversary." And he will say he knows. But the second I say that, I hate myself because I want him to think of something on his own. This must be the classic female scenario. If you don't say something, he might not do something. If you say something, he will most likely do it and then you will think he did it just because you told him to.

Wow. We women really make life so difficult. Hah.

Either way, tomorrow is the big one year. August 26th. We have made it through one year of marriage. It has mostly been tough. I will say that. It has not been easy. Each day is a struggle. And a lot of days I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, the majority of the days, I lose the struggle to be kind. To give the benefit of the doubt. To start to trust. To laugh. I lose the struggle.

It is sad, actually. Because I will get home from work, and I will shut down. I turn evil. And not evil evil, but I close up towards him. I put on my hard shell. I do not have fun, and that is my own doing. Instead of loosening up and joking and enjoying myself, I shut down and don't do any of the aforementioned things. I am cold. I am cold towards him.

It is slightly late and I am slightly tired so I am slightly rambling. But to sum it up. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I will tell you what he does and if he makes me proud.

Friends in the city

We went out with friends this weekend, Saturday night. We went to a family-style Italian restaurant in the city. It was my best friend, and one of my close friends and their boyfriends.

It was a good time, which surprised me kind of. It was intimate, and Chris is usually a shy person which comes off as quite snobby. However, perhaps due to the camaraderie within the group, he opened up quite quickly. It was nice actually.

It was nice to be with friends, calm and normal people, and not be fighting. There is something about being with your friends and your husband. I feel so close to him. He's mine. No one else's. And there is something about having that soul next to you, knowing their there.

Taking a bite out of their food, sharing drinks. It is so hard to put words to, but having that intimate connection with someone. I loved it. I love it. I could feel him with me, and loved having him there.

We went for a nice walk after that, late in the dark, and then made love. It was one of the best love-making times we have had. He is such a passionate lover. He is full of consideration. He has always been like that. Making sure I am satisfied, making sure things are perfect for me too. It is a little disconcerting - but it is sweet.

With each day, I can forgive a little more. I can be patient a little more. I can love a little more.