I find it interesting - reading my own background. Funny how that works, isn't it? Seeing how even when I was 16-years-old, a child!, I ignored my gut about this guy who lied. It's interesting to me now, that the same gut feeling I had back then, I have even now.
I am not saying I made a mistake. I am not saying I didn't make a mistake. I just find it so fascinating that I had all these clues right in front of me, even back then, that he was not the man he said he was, and I ignored it because I loved him. I let them all slip by.
What is it about me, I wonder?
I feel this part of the story may be somewhat important, as I was reflecting on it earlier today. Right before Chris and I broke up, I met a guy whom I had known briefly at the two-year university.
During this time, before Chris and I ended, he became a very good friend. We took the bus to the school to save gas, and we talked on the way there every day. When Chris and I were done, he became one of my best friends. We would talk nightly, on the bus, and other times as well. He was completely the rebound guy in every sense of the word.
He was beautiful, intelligent, caring, sensitive - he was an amazing man. About three months after the split, this man (W) and I started dating. At first, it was great. I had never dated anyone besides Chris, nonetheless anyone like W.
We had fun all the time. It was never boring. We fit perfectly into each other's lives. He was very family-oriented, as am I. I loved his family; I loved his house. We would spend hours just walking and talking. His sister and I became great friends.
I was so comfortable around him. I am not the kind of person who falls asleep during movies. It is impossible. But I would fall asleep in his arms, and would not wake up until 3 in the morning. My parents never had any qualms or concerns with me getting home at 4am. I loved this. They loved W. They had no reason to doubt him or his sincerity or his honesty. They knew he was a great guy. It was refreshing.
But soon, when stupid little fights occurred, (nothing big could happen that early on!) I would call him "Chris" or insult him with something in regards to Chris. I knew this was completely wrong, and hurtful, but I did it anyways. Kind of as a protection to myself.
I thought about Chris sometimes. Not frequently though; and it certainly bothered W when Chris started his texting and calling. I can see and understand why completely.
Towards the end of W's and my relationship, I started doubting whether I wanted to be with W instead of Chris. W knew this. We talked about everything. And eventually, he broke it off. It was amicable - I agreed it was the right decision - but hurt feelings still remained.
Funny, now that I look back on it.
Do I crave drama? Can I not survive without it? Am I a co-dependent with drama issues? I think I am. And of course, he had nothing for me to fix. He was just the kind of man a normal woman is looking for. A normal, non-co-dependent woman. Unfortunately for me, and however fortunate for him, he had no issues that I could find.
The ones I could find could be easily fixed. And my heart belonged to someone else.
It makes me sad to think about what could have been. The memories give me good thoughts, but it still makes me sad. He was a great person and I did not treat him as such.
That was one little interlude. I debated whether or not it was important, or whether or not to share it, but as I wrote it, I can see that it really did play a big part.