Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Bottled Up

I feel a little better today. Not that I felt too bad yesterday, but the looming implications of a license returned irked me to no end.

Today is a new day though and I will face it head on. That is how it is. I am lucky enough to have a job that I enjoy coming to work for. I am lucky that my boss has been through a situation very similar to mine and is there whenever I break down.

She sees things I don't. For example, last week, as I was crying in her office about how he had ruined everything, she said that we were both going through similar things. Hardships-wise. Her husband hated his job and wanted to quit and she felt like she had to support him. She said she had no problem doing that because she loved him and wanted to stay with him. But she said that she did not see that from me. She said I need to decide if I want to stay with him.

The thing is - I love this man. I want to stay with him. I want to work things out. But as I believe I have stated before, I cannot let go of my bitterness and anger towards him.

I had this friend. She was my best friend in the entire world. But not for the reasons that most best friends are so. She made my spirits soar - we had more fun than I have ever had in my life. When I got married though, our communication stopped. She called for my birthday - sometimes I would hear from her. But a couple months ago we talked and she asked how I was. It was shortly after the news that I was married to a crack addict came out.

I told her I was okay. That I had been tempted to call her a week or so before but thought better of it. She asked why, but all I told her was that everything was okay now.

How could I tell this girl, this girl that used to be the number one person in my life, that she had been right all along? That when she said he wasn't good enough for me she was right? How could I give her the satisfaction? And when in reality, as she would gloat to herself and pity would wash over her, all I would think was that she had no fucking clue how it was. She lived her life of parties and flirtations and simple nothings and this would be much too big.

I'm not saying she couldn't understand. She had been through hardships that I have never even dreamed of. But I don't think that anything can really compare to being yoked to someone for the rest of your life - and that someone has lied to and betrayed you beyond any recognizable point. I don't think that she would be able to understand how it would be to know that you just signed your life to someone who was addicted to crack cocaine. Her hard decisions in life were what to wear that night to a bar.

That may sound so bitchy. But it is the truth. And maybe that is all 23-year-olds should have to think about. The sad truth is though that that is what I do think about. I think about how my life has changed. How I need to decide if I want to be married to a liar.

It was nearly impossible those nights; the nights where I spent crying alone, before and after I found out the truth. It was so impossible I wanted to call her up and run to her house - a place where I could be myself and relax and be comfortable and forget about my problems. But I didn't. I stayed strong, whether that was good or bad, because I did not want to be the weak one. My own problem of pride I know.

I had no one. I had no one to turn to. And even while I write this, I cringe knowing that it is a lie. I had someone. I always did. My family is nothing but supportive. They would have been there if I just asked. But I am a strong-willed, overly prideful human being. I don't want to ask for help. I want to come across as independent, needing nothing. I am sure that is my main dilemma. I didn't turn to them until after he was arrested.

I kept it all bottled up. The late nights, the fights, the missing money, the debt we were falling into. Debt is harder to get out of then I ever thought possible.

I am working my butt off now - paying off the bills, paying for everything - while he "looks" for a job. I have more money in my account now than I ever did before, but it dwindles out as I pay the bills.

Sorry for that interspersion of debt. The fact is, because I kept it all in, I am more unhealthy than ever before.

I get mad at him for the stupidest little things. Such if life for now though. I need an emotional break.

1 comment:

Vesper said...


As a comment more to your first posting, you are not a baby, but you are outrageously young. Your whole life is just opening ahead of you. Do not deny yourself the blossoming of all the possibilities in front of you. Do not wallow for too long in the excuse of the fear of change. Pour your heart out on this weblog and then get up and fight for the gift of your youth. Simone de Beauvoir, the French philosopher, once said: “There is only one spring every year and only one youth in life. I will make sure not to waste any of the springs of my youth.”