Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A little more

He read the blog last night...the blog I happened to steal from The Junkys Wife's website. The blog that was from a man's point of view - the one staying that she is always yelling. Always mad. Never wanting to kiss, to hug, to make love. He read it.

I cried the first time I read it. And when I read it parts of it over last night, I cried again. His comments were what I could expect. That he was trying. That he knows I cannot just let go of it. He tried to joke saying that I need counseling, as one part in the blog states. I did not, could not, laugh. What was funny about that? No doubt I need counseling for the hell he put me through. But it is doubtful he is referring to that. I kind of took it as him saying he thinks I need counseling in general. Not a time to joke, Chris. Really.

His reaction to the blog was less than what I hoped for. But I know him, or at least I think I do, and I know his reactions and that was one I definitely saw coming.

Good news to report today though - he finally got a job. I realize since I have only started to record these happenings, you do not realize how long it has been. Months. Months that felt like years. I am enthusiastic about this, don't get me wrong. However, as I was thinking about it this morning, I realized that I am the main reason he received this job.

A co-worker of mine knows someone who knows someone at a temp agency. She told me he could definitely get Chris a job if he simply went. I told him to go. He did. He got a job. Of course, it was up to him to go, and it was up to him to present himself in a professional manner, but in reality, he did nothing but that. He didn't look for it. I am giving him a handout. In this case and in many cases, it is all through who you know. But I wish he could have done this one thing alone.

Don't get me wrong - I am happy he has a job. The money will be greatly appreciated. He is swimming in debt. I disassociate myself with this because "it isn't me." I get the lecture repeatedly about we are married, it IS me. When we want a house, or a new car, or anything that involves a credit check, it will not look good. It is just another reminder of how he screwed me over.

But at least he will start paying his bills off, right? Or I will. Access to money through me from him has become almost an impossible task - just another way for me to control his every move. Perhaps that's wrong. Perhaps that pushes him away. But he has been clean almost 90 days now, so he says. And I have had control of the money, the cards, the finances, everything - for just as long. Just another burden to add to my already aching shoulders.

I say that I would love to relinquish my control. I say that I would love to give up the control of everything. But would I? At least if something goes wrong I have no one to blame but myself. And in reality, I would hate it, I think. Trusting someone?! Practically unheard of. Especially to take care of ME? To take care of our finances? What a joke.

For now, I will be content with the fact that a job has come his way.

And I will be content that I can laugh a little more. I can giggle at his strange way of joking, the absurd things he does to make me laugh. I can relax a little more.

1 comment:

Nikki said...

Wow. I could have written this post myself. I just started reading your blog, and I am excited to see where your journey has taken you. I see that you no longer blog, this makes me sad. If you somehow read this, please go check out my blog at
Our stories are very similar. Hope all if well with you now. Nikki