I can't handle it today. I just can't. I don't know how to even explain to him how I feel.
We were discussing our bills. Discussing how tomorrow I'm going to a bank to fill out an application for a loan. We have no collateral - no house, no boat, nothing. And the car I do have - a discontinued sports car to one day become a classic - is not worth anything to them either apparently.
He is such a fucking bastard sometimes. He says he is sorry that we are in this fucking mess, but it doesn't help one fucking bit. We still owe a shit load of money, and every penny is because of him. Because of him I opened another credit card so I could pay rent. Because of him, we couldn't pay off his credit cards that already existed and now the interest is incredible.
But he doesn't see it this way. He gets defensive. He says that I should have had a full time job when we got married then. It's my fault of course.
I fill up with anger and frustration and all kinds of hatred but I cannot express it fully. The only thing I can do is tell him that I am mad at him for those things. And he says sorry for one second and then changes his course five minutes later.
He fucked up my credit. He fucked up everything related to it. Before we got married, my credit was a beautiful thing. I paid them off in TOTAL every single fucking month. Now I can barely make the minimum payment.
That wonderful car I was talking about? It is incredible. My dream car. But since I have no money, I cannot put anything into it. I need to start thinking of a new car, or if I should put money into this one. Each of those things requires a loan for me. And I can't fucking get one until his fucking bills are paid off.
The ramifications of what he did go deep. Every time I think we are a little better, something else pops up and my anger bubbles over again. Will we ever be rid of his fucking stupidity? Will it ever be officially over? Will I ever be free to mostly forget that he was a fucking crackhead who wasted our money?
I wish he would be grateful for everything I do. I am the one who made the appointment with the bank tomorrow. I am the one going. I am the one who pays the bills every month. I'm the one who keeps track of everything. I am the one who found our new fucking apartment; I am the one who figures out what we need when we go shopping. I am the one who keeps track of the fucking money in our fucking account.
Such a fucking ingrate who fucked up my life.
9 comments:
A therapist once told me "The problem with being the strong one is that everyone always expects you to be the strong one." It is a very difficult dynamic to change. He doesn't appreciate it because it's just the way things are, like light in the daytime and darkness at night. Always have been, always will be, at least in his mind. And it's hard to let go and leave some of the work of dealing with this mess to him to manage, b/c you don't trust him not to make it even worse. And I don't blame you for that.
But the cycle gets locked in - he breaks things, you fix them. And you see him more & more as the problem (understandably) and he seems you more and more as the solution (and resents you for it). This is a very hard thing to heal from. It can't be that uncommon of a dynamic in the addictions community - I wonder if there is any advice out there for this.
Hang in there. I'm sorry it's so hard.
Thank you for your recent comments. You have very insightful words.
I see and completely agree with where you are coming from. I do not trust him at all to actually fix something.
Thank you again. Do you have a blog or anything I could visit you at?
No blog. Just a reader of them. I'm about your mom's age (or I should say my daughters are about your age) and I really feel for you. I think it is very hard these days for kids starting out to arrange one's life in a way that is organized and works well, in the best of circumstances. When you add in the drugs, and the lying that always comes with the drugs, it looks near to impossible. And it's so hard to get out of debt once you've gotten in. Also, my husband's daughter is going to be a social worker,like you, starting her MSW this fall. You remind me of her a little. You have a big heart.
3 questions - a. What type of work do you do? (i.e. what population do you work with)
b. What is your relationship like with your parents/family? Sometimes you refer to them as helpful. Are they a support network for you?
c. Do you have an EAP at work that could help provide some support/counseling for you during this difficult time? It might really help. You've been through an awful lot and have a lot of strong emotions to work through.
I'd be glad to leave my email account for you if you'd like to email but I don't really want to leave it on here.
Amy
My email is now on the sidebar so you can feel free to email me from there so you dont have to post your email.
A quick sum of your questions to which I can answer more fully in email - is
my population of preference is children.
My family/parents are helpful but I am very withdrawn. I do not like to discuss things with them. It's a weird relationship. They know of everything and support and love me, but I do not fill them in on much.
Our company will just be getting insurance within the next month or so and hopefully then, I can see someone. Feel free to email!
I just wanted to say that i feel you 149894%. I may not me married to an addict but i have been with one for over a year now and i have been through HELL and back and im still going throught it. Unfortunatlly i dont have any answers for you i dont even have answers for my self. but i am here if you want to talk about it or complain about them lol. I know there is alot of that to do.
Leave him, get a divorce then get a trustee if the debt is unsecured and not on your property.
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That last paragraph, I felt like you took the words right out of my mouth. I, too, do EVERYTHING in my marriage. I pay the bills, buy the groceries, clean the house, take care of the dogs, etc. There is nothing that is his responsibility alone, and I'm tired of it! Whew, sorry to start venting there for a minute lol.
"I wish he would be grateful for everything I do. I am the one who made the appointment with the bank tomorrow. I am the one going. I am the one who pays the bills every month. I'm the one who keeps track of everything. I am the one who found our new fucking apartment; I am the one who figures out what we need when we go shopping. I am the one who keeps track of the fucking money in our fucking account."
You are also the one who is messing your life up.
Stop fixing his messes. Shield yourself from the consequences of his actions, take care of yourself financially and emotionally and leave him alone to do the same. When he no longer has you to rely upon he will have incentive to become functional. This something he must do on his own. If he does not do so, you cannot control that
I have the utmost sympathy and appreciation for your wanting to save him, but you are not saving him: you are destroying yourself. Ask yourself why. Get therapy if you must to get the answer, then stop doing it. He is an adult, not an infant: stop infantilizing him. he needs a big bite of the reality sandwich —and you do, too: get yourself out from under his problem and support him by forcing him to be an adult.
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