Friday, August 10, 2007

Gave up

I feel refreshed and wonderful this morning. It is Friday so that could be one of the reasons. Also, I feel like things are a little more settled. My parents are coming for dinner on Sunday night (oh, no!! diet will be out the window!), and Chris and I are going to Florida on Wednesday for a week. It will be nice to regroup and to refocus on our relationship.

This morning when I got to work, I read a blog that really reminded me of me. Mantramine posted some incredible things. She talked about how she had already walked away from her husband in her heart and how she was excited to no longer have him, or more likely, this problem of drug addiction in her life.

This affected me so much, I cannot even put it into words. I withdrew from my husband as well. Strange, I was going to write "she was excited to give up on him." The words give up are not what I meant at all, at least not in the sense they are usually meant. I meant it in the way that I change it to. But when I read that giving up, what I myself wrote, I realized how accurate that was in my own life.

When I first came to grips with the fact that Chris was addicted to crack cocaine, not only did I feel relief but I felt that we could work through it now. Now that the truth was out. But as I delved further into how deep his lies had taken us and as I realized how seriously in trouble we were in on so many levels, it seemed impossible.

And soon, I didn't want it in my life. I didn't want him in my life. I, in essence, gave up. And I don't think it was because I was weak. I don't think it was because I didn't love him anymore. It was because he had caused too much damage. We had lost so much money, so much respect, so much freedom, and the worst thing to me was trust. I simply did not think I could get it back. And honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want to. I was excited to let go and be done with the entire situation.

Perhaps that was because I now knew I could make it on my own. Perhaps it was because if I had to go live with my parents no one could blame me. Perhaps it was because I knew that M would be there for me if I left Chris (when in all actuality M had no plans to be with me). But I had walked away from him in my heart.

When I finally decided to walk back, it was so hard. I still am not fully there. Like Mantramine said, "detached" if she goes back. And it is not only hard to go back, but it is hard to be detached to begin with. It's hard all around.

So I am back. I am back in my heart. I care. I do. And I am giving this a fighting chance. The detachment is different. It is so hard not to wonder if he has used again, why he is gone so long, why he is not answering his phone - so many things. But it's one step at a time for me, one day at a time. I hope one day I can be fully there, not always guarding my heart.

Detachment is different than what I mean there, I believe. But it is hard nonetheless. Each day is difficult, sometimes increasingly so. But if I really want it, I can do it.


Anonymous said...

This is an awesome post on such a difficult subject......
I have the utmost respect for you and your love and desire to stay -- so very, very much respect.
I hope Chris knows what he has in you and that he is truly blessed to have someone like you in his life. Most women would have run a long, long time ago.
I think I am one of them......I wouldn't have stayed with myself.
P.S. I hope you don't mind I am linking to you.

Married to an Addict said...

No, I don't mind. Thank you very much for your comment(s). I have been starting to read your blog as well. It's nice that we are all a tight-knit community.

Anonymous said...

You all help me very much and I am grateful to have each of you as a part of my recovery.
I'm glad we're tight. It helps so much.
Peace and you are now linked -- even with your own special badge. ;-)

Mantramine said...

Wow- I never thought that post would have this much reverberation. It really did for me too. well, the reverberation had reverberation....

It is !fucking! hard. All of it. I wish us all luck

Married to My Ex said...

I don't think I really understand detachment with love. It is almost an oxymoron (at least to us codepents!). When I gave up on C it was the first time in years that I felt free. And you are giving up, you are giving up the "control" you think you have over him and addiction. Letting go it the first step in the right direction. Even he will be better for it. I am pulling for you sister!!

thejunkyswife said...

I found so much relief when I realized that the work I was doing in my meetings, working on myself, was the work I needed to do for either path I took: staying or leaving...

Recovery Discovery said...

All kinds of things I need to hear. Thanks for sharing. Maybe detachment is GIVING UP the pain and leaving me/us free to love (or even to let go of) the person.