Tuesday, August 07, 2007

What a friggin idiot

Oh, why did I not listen to myself? Why did I not get that note of encouragement so badly needed to help me stay in the right direction (from Amy)? Instead, I saw it after I was nearly off the phone with M.

Yes, M called last night, and we talked for nearly 1 and 1/2 hours. I mainly listened, offered a little advice here and there, and then listened some more. Towards the end of the conversation, the focus was on me and some things M knew about back in the day. It turned sour quickly. M's opinion is based on M's own experiences and really doesn't know anything about mine. I started to take offense and ended up saying "Okay, well I don't really want to get into it so I'm going to go now. Have a good night." And M said "Whatever" or some snobby comment, and I said bye and hung up.

The reason for the offending is something I am not ready to get into on here yet, but it was strictly none of M's business anymore and nothing M would be knowledgeable about. Also, M has no idea of anything that has been going on. M does not know about Chris' crack addictions and the mess we are in. It offended me for M to presume to know things, to know how to solve things, to tell me something was easy when M has no clue.

Either way, I was a stupid idiot for even conversing. I know I was being used and I was okay with it. But I wish with all my heart I would have ignored the call. I wish I could have rejected M so M would know that I am not interested in these games. Which a couple of months ago, I wasn't. I told myself I wasn't. I wasn't going to do the half-ass things of talking once every couple months and that's it. So I need to stick to that.

I can do better than M. It was a good time in my life, a great time, but I am not going back to it and not looking back. I was hurt and M was hurt, and I am not interested in giving up some more of my heart to M when I am already a little too vulnerable for my liking.

I kind of wish M would call just so I could not answer. Hah. Evil, I know. But I need to practice some of the advice I gave - don't be so readily available. You're not in a relationship anymore. I wish I wasn't so f-ing dumb about it last night. I wish I would have been strong!!

I wish I would have not answered. M would have known why and I would have known why and it would have been a great message to send and now I am beating myself up.

Stupid stupid.

1 comment:

Married to My Ex said...

I have had those moments, the moments where you are really looking into the barrell of a gun and you should turn away but you don't. I have stood here and taken it in the head before knowing full well it would hurt but did it to myself regardless. That is the codependent way I suppose.