Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Redeeming Myself

I hope so, at least.

M called about 1/2 an hour ago. I was on the other line at the time, so I looked at it, smiled to myself, and ignored it. Three minutes later, another call. I ignored it again.

No voicemail, but a few minutes later again, a text message reading "Made a mistake Please disregard my phone call" I am not sure what that means. Does it mean M made a mistake calling tonight, or calling last night? Does it mean M made a mistake because feelings are actually presenting themselves, or because I was offended by some comments?

I am itching to text back and need some encouragement, quick! I simply want to know what M meant! That's all! I feel like I am not being able to shove it in M's face the way I want to. I want to be able to send a text of question and get a response, and then ignore that. This just seems like I am doing just what M wants. Disregarding. And I want to disregard on my terms. I want to disregard with a dagger to M.

A dagger for using me. A dagger for coming back into my life. A dagger for thinking I would always be there. A dagger for the insults, when M knows absolutely nothing about me anymore, and never will. A dagger right to emotional heart.

Mean, I know. But honest. So I am torn between texting back to find out what M meant or simply not writing back at all ever.

I can be strong, right? I can stay above the temptation. I can. But it's so hard.


Amy said...

I am so sorry you are struggling so. But what I am seeing here is that this other man is still far too important to you. Whether you want to talk to him, nor not talk to him to hurt him, or send him a message by not answering the phone - all these things are signs that he is still too important to you.
Always remember a core truth - the opposite of love is NOT hate - hate is a strong emotion which is actually very close to love. The opposite of love is apathy - where you just feel nothing and don't care. THAT is the state you are looking to achieve, where you dont care if he tries to call, you don't wonder what he wanted to say, etc.
You need to strengthen some relationships that support your goals right now- family and/or friends that will help you stay focused on the healthy goals you have set for yourself.
Where is your husband, anyway,when you are on the phone for hours or this guy keeps calling or texting? Not that you need to tell your husband who you are talking to every minute - BUT if you are not careful, the next step will be starting to lie to cover your actions. THAT is not the kind of person (at least I don't think it is) that you want to be.
Be strong. Remember to stay true to yourself. In the long run, this guy is just another blip on the screen, not important at all.

Married to an Addict said...


I did end up answering last night and M took offense that I didn't answer the first two times. The last time I was at my friend's. I was send a text later saying "Thanks for all your listening, take care". I want to have the last word as normal, but I just didn't write back.

I will not care anymore. I will strive to be done with this foolishness. Chris is the one I want after all, or else I would not be sticking through with all this hell.

just another addict said...

I'll have to spend some time catching up with your story here....